Hope for those considering a break up- A success story

[StandTall]

Well, I labeled this a success story, but it is very sad nonetheless. My GF and I met, and seemed to have instant chemistry. It did not take long for us to profess love and take some nice trips together. Everything seemed great. Then, she transformed back into who she was before I met her- Traveling, workaholic woman. She usually travels from 2-3 weeks on end. When she left, she would call me and tell me how much she missed me, and couldn't wait to return home to me. That quickly changed- She became cold and distant, and our conversations were brief and the words "I love you" and "I miss you" never came up any longer. After some time, it really bothered me and I called her and asked if we were OK. She said "I don't know". This is a question you may not like the answer to, but you will usually find your painful truth here. She told me that work is placing more of a demand on her than she had expected, and that she could not make me a priority. We had not meant to have such a heavy conversation over the phone, and had decided it should wait until she came home. As days passed, I would call her, and my calls would usually go to voicemail. Then she would call back hours later. I know what you might be thinking- "She's just busy. Well, she doesn't work on Sundays. Anyhow, I had let myself become a crying heap on the couch and had run all of my friends into the ground with my pain. I went to visit my Mom who set me straight. She told me to gather her things, and take them to her place and leave her keys with the manager. I was so over being treated this way, that I did it. She called a few hours later, and I told her what I had done. I also explained why I had done it. I knew that by waiting until she returned to talk, we were simply postponing the breakup, and I could not take another minute of pain. I want to say this- Having the courage to break up with her was one of the HARDEST things I have ever done. I feel far from great or even good this morning, but I no longer have expectations, and am in the process of regaining my self-esteem and my life back. NO ONE deserves to be treated poorly, and when you have reached your lowest point, I hope you can find the courage to cut the pain off at the source.

[rosstheboss]

well done!

 

you knew things were going from bad to worse and acted upon it. that takes guts and in the end you feel so much better for doing it!

people who put their work first need to take a reality check

[StandTall]

I will admit that the pain is horrible- I am a very emotional guy. We even had a cruise planned this weekend, and another trip next weekend for my birthday. I guess the simplest way to look at it is "If you knew you were touching a hot stove and it has hurting you, would you remove your hand?"

[Jdoccan]

Standtall,

 

Good Job! From my perspective, you showed enough respect for yourself to protect yourself. When emotions get high, it is sometimes easy to forget that we need to "bring the heart home."

 

I know when I end up in another relationship, I want both sides to have a decent level of self-respect. Not arrogance, not selfishness, but self worth. I've been with a woman that had no self esteem, and no matter what I did, I couldn't fill that hole in her. It goes both ways.

 

It sure sounds like you took the right path for you, and that takes courage. I hope you have a great birthday.

[StandTall]

Thank you. It is a VERY rough morning for me, and I am crying as I type this. I just can't believe it's over. She will finally be back in town in a day or so, and now I won't even get to see her face to face. I just knew I had no ther choice- I could not even function. Thanks for writing.

[kellbell]

Hi there,

 

Good for you. My mom and I were just saying the other day, "don't you ever notice that things that are for your own good is the hardest things to do in the world?" It's so easy to what's right for others and do for others but when it comes to doing what is right for you and your own good, it's very hard and painful. I am proud of you and for what you did. It's hard when one person in a relationship is more committed to his or her job than you. I am sure she didn't mean for it to get that bad but it happened but it was up to you do take a stand. Hugs to you because I know this couldn't be easy for you. Take care and wishing you all the best.

[StandTall]

That is just it... She went from being loving to being so cold, and that's what hurt. If her work was going to interfere, we could have discussed that rather than dragging me through the mud long distance. The hurricane kept us apart longer than expected and added to our difficulties.

[Jdoccan]

StandTall,

 

There is nothing wrong with crying. Just let it go. Also, even though nothing could seem further from the truth right now, the longing will come to an end. Then, you will be stronger for it, and probably realize just how correct your decision was for you.

 

When we, as men, are in the midst of the emotion associated with that special woman, are we really seeing who she is? Conversely, because of our elevated emotion, is she really seeing who we are? I guess it just comes down to the "love is blind" thing. I bring this up, because sometimes I think we long for someone that never was. Honesty with ourselves and our partners is so very, very important; it cannot be overemphasized from my perspective. You sound like you are being honest with yourself here, so be grateful you have that ability and keep going.

 

Make sure you are patient with yourself now, and take care of you as you heal. This might sound way out there, but make sure you eat right. If you don't give the body and mind what it needs, this situation might get harder. When it is really rough, contact friends and get busy if you can. There is something healing in being productive. By the way, even though it doesn't feel this way right now, your post has the right title.

 

Hang in there, there are many people out here in the same boat. While I'm not there now, I have been where you are. I made it, and so can you. Finally, there are people thinking about you and pulling for you. I'm one of them.

[kellbell]

That really stinks, yes, I agree, she should have discussed things with you so you can make a choice whether or not you want to continue with the relationship. I dated a guy once whom took a lot of choices away from me by keeping me in the dark about things and not being honest too. It's only when I found out the truth later on that I was able to decide if I wanted to stay or not, and I decided not. But I was in a world of hurt in the end. He could have saved me a lot of pain by just having the b@#lls to be honest with me in the first place. Thank you very much for sharing your story.

[StandTall]

I want to thank you all for your words of kindness and encouragement. I am now dealing with the reality that it is over, and cannot call. I guess there is some small part of me that hopes she comes home from her trip, sees our photos everywhere, and wants to call and fix things. I am not sure what I would do or say- I just want to focus on getting through today.

[kellbell]

You're welcome, anytime. There are so many people here who give great support and advice. Come here often.

[StandTall]

I am trying to function somewhat normally at work today, but still can't figure out why someone who was in love with me would do this. I want to call and try and find answers, but I know I would only find more hurt.

[Jut]

Stand tall

You did great. I was kind of in the same boat as you are but it took me a long time to gather the courage to stand. I broke up a few times but most of the times felt guilty coz of incessant tears. Let me tell you even if she comes back dont go for it. Its gonna fall to the same loop. Had i been strong enough to hold my ground i would have not gone through this much pain and weeks of insomnia.

[StandTall]

Yeah, I'm wondering if that will happen. Will she come home from her trip, see our photos everywhere, and want to talk? I guess I am interested in hearing what she has to say, but I am not optimistic. I'm really sad to be going on the cruise this week we had planned without her. Instead, I am bringing a girl who is a longtime friend. I have been wondering if she is feeling the pain I am feeling today, or was it no big deal to her?

[yunyun_sin]

I admire your strength standtall - something that I'm lacking of. I was in a similar situation to you - everything was great, he went away for a month and a few days after he came back, without any notice or talk, got dumped. ( link removed )

 

We agreed to leave it for a while, have a think and then talk again in a while, but still haven't worked up the courage to do so. We still both have things in each others houses but neither of us have had the courage to say, oi, come pick them up.

 

I wish I had the courage to do what you did, but I just don't. Indeed yours is a success story...

[StandTall]

What I did came out of sheer desperation. I was reduced to a curled up ball crying on the couch. I thought "Look what has become of me from this". Sure it was hard, but I no longer have expectations of my phone ringing. I wanted badly to write an e-mail and just ask why and see if it will make more sense to me, but she has such a wall up that I'm afraid I'll just find more pain. If she wasn't loving and caring during, then why would she be now that I have broken up with her? I call this a success story, but I am very broken and sad this morning. How did someone I thought was so great do this to me?

[FCTex]

One thing you need to keep in mind, is that you removed the bomb before it went off. You saved what could have become an even more intense heartbreaking.

 

My advice is this:

 

She will call you soon. I can assure you of this. You can take the call if you wish, or you can keep your stance, and stay strong and see if she leaves a voicemail.. I always waited for my ex to call, me, and when she did and didnt leave a voicemail, I figured it wasn't important.

 

Right now, there is nothing worth hearing from your ex.. She has the chance to make something of this, to clean it up, to work on things, to win you back. Thats where you stand.. She has to win you back, she needs to show you the love, the respect, the heart- that you showed her.. It's not worth living hurt over, and you understood that and ended it promptly.

 

You know your worth more.. She knows you deserve more, and perhaps if she doesn't try again with what she has now, then you really know you did the right thing. Be upset about it, it's new to you. It's a broken routine. Everything remind you of them, but I can assure you, as the days go bay, the memories will remain, but the pictures will fade. You will smile again like you used too, you will become the great man you still are, but hidden under in the heart break.

 

There is nothing more you can do at this point. You tried. You realized there were problems, attempted to bring them to light, and left it as is, when you didnt get her wanting to work/talk about them. Thats selfish, thats not caring, and no one deserves that.. Your doing all the work, and she's simply just standing by.

 

I've said this before. When the juice is not worth the squeeze, move on.. Hold your cup tight, and look for someone who's got the real sweet juice, and let the squeeze you up a cup, because it's the best thing you can do for yourself.

 

Take care.

[StandTall]

Thank you all so much for the motivating words of wisdom. I'm leaving on my cruise today, and I am going to try and keep her out of my thoughts. These have been really difficult weeks for me, and I just want to look towards better things and forget her altogether.

[StandTall]

As difficult as things have been, I guess I've been keeping it together rather well. I am very sad right now as my birthday is tonight, and I know she won't be there. I have maintained NC, and will continue to do so. I was the one who broke things off, but I felt like she left me no alternative. I just want to call and ask "Are you hurting as much as me?". She seems like she can hide her feelings quite well, and I'm sure I would get a cold answer. I guess I need to somehow put on my happy face around my friends tonight. I wonder what I could possibly still be clinging to-I know she is the type that will probably never call me again, and that kinda hurts. I wonder how we went from I love you's on the phone to not speaking so quickly.

[StandTall]

I am unsure why, but it feels like day 1 for me. My birthday weekend just passed, and I am very sad this morning. I want to call so badly for some sort of understanding. How could someone who seemed so good have turned so cold? I hate that we can't even talk anymore, yet I feel I'll get hurt even further if I call. I wish I could just forget her and move on. I think I am not comfortable with myself, and thereforeeee I continue to look to her. I really need some support today.

 

Thank you.

[Hawk]

StandTall If you knew that you would get some understanding by making that call then it would be worth it, but you know you are not going to get. All that will happen by calling is that you put yourself back into the process that you have started to work through - hang in there, you will forget her and in time move on. Remember, lots of people here to help you through it.

[StandTall]

Honestly, that is all that keeps me from calling is the fear of being hurt further. I try to wonder if this hurts her like it hurts me, but in the back of my mind I know that doesn't help me one way or the other. I have tried so hard to take the focus off of her, but my mind drifts back.

[bsp_kjm]

StandTall, u are a much stronger person than I. Props to you

[StandTall]

I spoke with a good friend today, and told them about my desire to call her. I told them that I did not want to try and get back together, but that I was sad by how things had ended and I still had things to say. My friend said "You two were in love- What is the crime in calling?" So I called her, and we had a good conversation. I told her how sorry I was that things didn't work out, and that the breakup did not happen face to face (She was away on an extended business trip which was part of the problem). I was worried she might be cold, but she was nice and we agreed that things probably didn't work out due to the situation rather than our feelings for each other. I am still in a great deal of pain, but some of the anxiety has been lifted as I have thought about what I would say for 3 weeks now. I am going to work on making myself stronger, and want to thank everyone in the group for their support.

[Mstyiyd]

StandTall, I read your posts and I am sorry for what you've been going through recently. Especially with your birthday coming and all. I've posted in different forums, and I wonder if my "breakup" with my ex was due to poor timing as well. These boards are so helpful day or night, when you get down and can't call a friend because it's late! Many a night I have lurked on here reading people's stories! It helps to hear that so many others are going through what we personally are. I hope someday we get to start a site where we talk about how in love we are w/whoever we are with (at that time)! Wouldn't that be positive! But continue utilizing the supports you have in your personal life and the ones you have here in cyber space. We don't know each other in real life, I guess, but on here we sure do......I try to get stronger every day myself but I recently began talking, just talking w/my ex, whom Im sure is wanting nothing more than a great friendship even though she is not currently w/anyone. Sigh.....just stay strong and here's some prayers for you! Calling your ex from time to time doesnt always mean they'll be cold, it could be a decent conversation, just dont expect too much from them. Its hard, but if you go in w/that mindset it will make it alot easier. Take care....