4 years.. just broke up but I have faith in us...

[AC874]

To all:

 

I am speaking to you, with a lot of sad thoughts and a spirit filled with hope for the future. Your insight and analysis is very appreciated.

 

My x-gf is the type of girl that needs a strong Christian guy in her life. She wants this above all, and requires this if any relantionship is to be initiated or work.

 

My x-gf and I have now been broken up for 1 week. From the outset, she was a very strong Christian, and I was an unbeliever. As the relationship progressed, I became a Christian, but we remained unequally yoked to this day. Because of this very precise issue, I had perhaps some insecurity issues. My commitment remains to improve my spirituality, because this is something that I want for myself. I am 100% certain I will follow through with this commitment to myself. But this is where my optimism remains.

 

Because of this very precise issue, I had some insecurity issues.

 

During the 4 years, we have experienced a very true kind of love for eachother. We loved eachother for the small things. During the whole time, it was very real and genuine. We never had sex in order to honor our commitment to god. We were absolutely amazing friends, she wrote to me on her birthday that "she cherished our friendship above all". We were inseperable. Things got so good this summer, that she told her friends that she could see herself marrying me and having children with me… exactly 2 months ago that is. We then went to San Diego, where she always wanted to go to the zoo (she is an animal freak). We had an amazing time things were clicking. We drove up the pacific, and I watched her fall asleep as the sunset happened right before my eyes. I literally cried.

 

On Sept 27, she was feeling weird. She was pre-occupied with the question "Im not sure whether or not we are meant to be together forever". We agreed to keep moving on. Things never got back to the level I wanted them to, so I forced a brutally honest conversation 2 weeks later. She said she has "doubts" about us, mainly because of the fact that she wants a guy that is more spiritual. She told me the day before, that she loved me. We fooled around, and it was amazing. The morning of, she called me to tell me she loves me. She says that we should continue this relantionship, but it was too much for me. I broke up with her the next morning, after no sleep and a delirious mental state.

 

That, I pretty much cried and begged her to stay with me. She said she would think about it. The next day, I went over to make a pitch about taking things "slowly". She said she needed more time. On the ensuing Thursday, she said that we should remain broken up. And that we should focus individually on god solely. I agreed, and wrote her 2 nice emails the next morning to thank her for amazing times.

 

In church on Sunday, I saw a series that would pinpoint exactly the problem between her and I. I decided to speak to her about it, she was happy to hear this. However, she thought that we should continue to stay broken-up. In fact, she said that she could probably never see us together again.

 

The next day, I spoke to her best friend. She told me that she needs space and time to grow herself individually (as do I), and that she doesn't wanna make any commitments about the future because she doesn't know. She did say that she loves me very much, and that this is equally difficult for us.

 

We are NC for 1 week right now. The problem is, I know that this is the girl I want to marry. I understand that some of my issues and spirituality differences are the reason for which things cant work out right now. I accept those, not because I want to change for her, but for myself. Because this will make a stronger person. I never was OK without her, so how could I present myself as being secure?

 

She is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me…. What do you suggest as my next steps? Me contacting her right now, is a violation of her space. Definitely not the right thing to do, since her space is key right now.

 

Like I said, I truly want to marry this girl. I have always made this girl feel precious and loved. I have always been generous, respectful and gentlemen like with her. I;m just so lost, confused and hurt.

 

I know that in the future, once we our finished this growth phase, that things could take the next step. This is what I believe, and this is why I am not giving up.

 

 

What do I do at this point?

 

Your advise is very much appreciated!

[heloladies21]

Well you shouldn't buy that "it's your beliefs that caused the break up" excuse. It's just an excuse for her confusion. She can't explain why she's confused, but she has to tell you something.

 

Stop trying to be so perfect and exactly the man she says she wants. Very big turn off for a girl. I disagree with changing your beliefs for someone else in principle.

 

Do No Contact for you. She's not perfect and you need time to realize it. Anyone who would ask you to change for them is very selfish and delusional. People never truly change for anyone else. They should be accepted as is.

 

Don't agree to become her friend and let her chase you back if that's what she decides. And it can't be easy for her to get you back or else she'll just end up leaving again. See it happen all the time around here.

 

Start talking to other girls. It will put you in the right frame of mind so you can deal with the situation rationally.

[Does_Darkness_Turn2_Light]

You are doing the right thing in not giving up on the relationship and giving her some space. I'm not sure if anyone here can help you. I'm not sure that anyone can help her. Like you I am a christian and I believe that its in gods hands. It has been all along. You just have to be the best person you can be. Give her some space and god will guide you to what is right. Remember everything happens for a reason.

[AC874]

Im not changing my beliefs for anybody but myself.

 

I have a lot of bad habits (that have interfered with the relantionship), and I TRULY believe that through faith in god and prayer, that these things cant be worked on.

 

Like I said, I love this girl. I accept and understand why I am here today, and I pray that god will provide reconciliation.

[AC874]

*bump*

 

Im sure more people have advice to offer.

[AC874]

I called her tonight... and of course I wept, and begged her to come back.

 

She said there is no future for us. She needs her space, and that probably will not speak for a while.

 

I love her so much

[chaos]

If you are a christian then you must believe that God has a plan for everybody. If that is true than everything you are going through is for a reason. I'm only two weeks out of a two year relationship when a girl I thought I'd be with the rest of my life, so I know how much it hurts. I also know that leaving it in God's hands doesn't make the pain go away nor does it make you feel better.

 

I'm not religious myself, but I want to believe that everything happens for a reason. In my case I think there were lessons I needed to learn, mistakes that I made in the relationship that I suspect, in order to avoid this kind of pain again, I won't make again. Learn from it and give it time.

 

My biggest problem right now is trying to remain patient. I miss my ex terribly at times, but it is getting easier. Do the No Contact thing, it will help. Give her time to figure things out, if she wants you back, she'll come to you. For the first week and a half I pleaded, I couldn't believe it was happening. The feeling of lonliness was overwhelming, and still is at times. I wrote her a letter spilling my heart and soul only to have it thrown back in my face. Sadly, it's true, that anything you do right now will only push her away.

 

Let her contact you. In the meantime try and move on as if things are truly over. You'll be better off in the long run and perhaps, if she does come back, you'll realize you don't even want her back. That's what I'm gonna do. Not that I'm ready to meet any new girls, but I'm gonna be open to it should one show any interest. Now, if only I could figure out where to go to meet girls, then figure out how to talk to them, I'll be all set.

 

Best of luck to you. Best of luck to us both.

[AC874]

Amen.

 

God bless you, I hope that I have the courage to move forward.

[AC874]

Things she said yesterday

 

"I have no romantic feelings for you"

 

"we arent compatible"

 

"This absolutely the right desicion".

 

Its 450am, I havent sleep.. and I feel like sh*t.

[NotMyself]

Sounds to me like she is trying to convince herself. Absolutely the right decision? Give me a break.

 

I haven't heard 1 and 3, but I did hear the 2nd one. She also told me how unhappy she was since the beginning. That was after the breakup. I didn't argue with her. I knew she didn't mean it.

 

Now, a few months after being apart, she has been telling me how we had so many good times and how much fun we have had together. She also laid next to me the other night and told me how comfortable she is with me and how happy I make her. I didn't see this happening when we first broke up. This didn't happen overnight. We are going into four months being brokenup.

 

The point is, she is going to say things and do things to get away from you. Let her. The more you fight it, the more she will run. I'm not saying that you have to ignore her or be mean when she does contact you. Be the loving person you are and always sound happy. She won't come back if you are a depressed wreck and you telling her how sad you are will not bring her back to come save you from you wallowing misery.

 

If you have any chance, you have to get yourself together. Don't make all the mistakes I did and so many others on here have. If you do, you will only prolong the chance of any possibility of reconciliation.

 

Good luck and take care. Feel free to IM me or PM me if you need anything. We have all been where you are and do understand the pain. There is so many good people on this site who have reached out to me when I was really down and I am grateful to them all.

 

Remember... something good ol' Dave mentioned to me before. There is nothing you can do to bring her back, but there is plenty of things you can do to push her away.

[AC874]

ThanksNotmyself.

 

This girl is a tough customer. She rarely looks back.

[AC874]

If I go full on N/C, do you think she will try to contact me some day in the future?

[AC874]

Question for all enotaloner's.

 

Is it ok to call her in 3-4 months, ask her to go bowling or something strictly platonic?

 

What is your recommendation. Obviously I dont want to lose her forever

[AC874]

anybody?

[NightsEcho]

Why would you be so concerned about a girl who can walk away so easy?

NE

[Bigbilly]

Buddy, please ....!!!STOP!!!

 

You aren't gonna beg her back. You aren't gonna make sense of it. You aren't gonna get an explanation beyond this smoke screen she's thrown up to cover her escape.

 

Please heed the advice of all of us here at eNotalone, all of us who've been through this, and initiate NC immediately. And understand that No Contact is for what's most important here ...your happiness. You've got some painful days ahead of you, and your efforts to get her back is just fuel in her getaway car.

 

You keep calling her, trying to make sense of it all, you're just gonna drag this unpleasantness out longer than it needs to last. I know it hurts ...it hurts worse than anything in the world. But believe us, it doesn't last forever.

 

Let her go, and start your recovery. One day, hopefully soon, you're gonna be walking down the street and you're gonna realize that the sun's still shining, you're still young, and life is sweet and is too short to spend moping over some girl who doesn't want you.

 

And no, I don't think that in three months you outta be asking her to go bowling or something, strictly platonic. Because it won't be. You're gonna just be tearing that old wound wide open again.

[Trax]

You're only torturing yourself man. Listen to these guys...their stories, mine and yours are all very similar. We all made the same mistake of trying to beg our exes back and tried to figure out why they stopped loving us and we all got the same generic responses.

 

It is honestly in your best interest to go to NC immediately. Remember it is for yourself to get yourself together, not to win her back. I know its hard because you don't have closure and neither do I, but harassing them will only push them further away. It gets better trust me.

[AC874]

Ok well i have done some thinking.

 

I have had insecurities in this relantionship, and they have all been based on the fact that in terms of spirituality, that we were unequally yoked (meaning she was stronger than I was).

 

In the past, that made me uncomfortable.

 

I still want her back big time.

[Fivek]

Listen to Trax and BigBilly. We're here for you.

[AC874]

The worst part is that I still have hope.. I dont know why.

 

But I know I am going to be like this for a LONG time.

[Fivek]

It's ok.

 

All of us here empathize with you, as we are going through the same situation (at different time progressions).

 

You are free to think and contemplate, but do not take action. Eventually you will exhaust yourself out.

[AC874]

What do you mean by not taking action?

[Fivek]

Don't act on your words(e.g. "Don't try to get her back"). Right now you are not in the right state of mind to be making decisions that you may or may not regret in the future.

[AC874]

Ok.. well in 4-5 months from now, if my feelings persist.. then what do I do?

[gattsuga]

NC is not a method to win her back. It's a way for you to move on and heal yourself. Give yourself a time frame on how long you want to grieve... then you have to make that decision to move on. I know it feels like there's no one else better out there for you, but have you even looked? It's really hard to let go, i know.. i'm going through the same thing right now... but go NC, and heal yourself. She didn't fall in love with the current you (the needy, grieving you), take this opportunity and just put all this is God's hands... He's in complete control, and He has the best intentions for both of you. Trust in Him... this could be the step you need to take in order for your faith to grow.