Not Attractive

[antigravity]

Hi,

 

Throughout my whole life, I've rarely attracted the opposite sex. I've only had one long term relationship (5 years, ended recently by her), and before that I was a kid in high school that didn't get any attention from girls.

 

Now I'm single again, and since I was last single (year 2000), i've lost a lot of hair, and I'm going bald. Which isn't helping anything!

 

Now deep down, I think i'm a lovely person. I'm loving, caring, honest, reliable, and trustworthy. However, i'm not very funny, and i'm not a loud, in your face person. Now, because i'm not very attractive, and don't get alot of attention, people aren't interested in me, and then don't get to experience my good qualities.

 

I don't like to draw attention to myself, and even when I know someone, conversations are always about the other person. Because of this, people never get to know me, but I find it really uncomfortable to talk about myself.

 

How do I show people my good qualities when they don't show through on the surface?

[Serendipity1607307077]

Hi Anti

 

Don't worry - my partner is going bald too! He's 23..

 

I think what the problem is, is that you are scared to show the real you because you feel that people might judge you (or misjudge you)...

 

I was the same as you... I never got any male attention throughout my life, even though I felt I was such an honest, genuine person... and I would often wonder what I had done wrong!

 

The thing you need to do is just relax. Think to yourself, I have had it with this - I don't care what anyone else thinks, I am ME and no one else. If people don't like it, that's just too bad...

 

That's what I did.. and you know what? Being myself (even though it means I'm a serious, rather quiet and quite often grouchy person) meant that people could see the real me.. and a guy took interest! This guy was the person I had had my eye on since I was 15!!!

 

Being confident in yourself can be difficult, especially if you have been through a lot of trauma and mishaps in your life... but you should be happy with yourself and who you are as a person. Every one of us has a different contribution to make to the world!

[DN]

Join some sort of group - social, charitable, volunteer or whatever. Make sure it is something you are interested in but that also has people of your own age, especially women. Be enthusiastic, volunteer for jobs etc. Especially anything done in a group.

 

That way, you can interact with people in a way that you don't have to be loud, funny etc. but allows your qualities to shine through in the activity you are doing. People will notice and you can use that for your advantage.

 

It will also be good for your social skills, your social conscience and will help others at the same time it helps you.

[Steven1607307306]

I think you need to take a good look at yourself in the mirror, and tell yourself, "I am a caring individual, and I know that somone is out there for me." After that, I believe your self-image, will most likely improve. Then you need to just find out where you can meet people, and don't ever underestimate yourself. I may only be 17, but I hope I can help. All I know is that everytime I show someone a picture of my girlfriend, they are like, "How did you get her?" Because she is very beautiful and and fun to be with. Now how did I meet her? I met her because my dog got loose, and she brought her back. Now that sounds like a picture perfect match, but knowing what has happened to me, I think that as long as you are a caring individual, and you know that you are, then you can find somone you love.

As for showing your personality, if I were you I would change the subject, if you are talking about sombody else. Start to ask he about herself... when she says somthing interesting, tell her how you feel about that certain topic, and eventually your feelings will be spilling out, and so will hers.

Anyway, I may not be much help, but I hope you read it and actually try it.

[Jinx]

Well, I think in our time how you look is only one bit to most people interested in a long term relationship. More often than not I've seen men or women with a partner whom by no means I'd consider attractive but key point: They are confident, social individuals with decent self esteem no matter how they look. Usually they have something in the personality department as well to add to this.

 

I don't like to draw attention to myself, and even when I know someone, conversations are always about the other person. Because of this, people never get to know me, but I find it really uncomfortable to talk about myself.

 

I believe that right here is the foggy problem area of the whole situation. I'm assuming drawing attention means you are the quiet individual whom doesn't do much approaching? If so, this in itself is the main problem. There are only so many people who will approach others. There are more waiters than approachers I've learned, and if you're the confident approaching party it will work more towards your benefit.

 

Another issue to address is aside of the physical points you've listed here, why are you uncomfortable about yourself? What is it that makes you rather not speak about yourself? These insecurities are what need addressed before you can become comfortable and social with others and begin talking to the opposite sex and attract.

 

Verbal expression is one of the most important aspects in meeting people, without it, the chances become increasingly less. As I've told others, one thing you may try to do is target a friendly talkative or alone individual that seems still approachable and just come up with a random conversation. It often works better with the latter, more possibilities talk wise, and less interruptions. Bad as it may sound, use them to your social benefit. Nonetheless, you may make a friend or find a partner in the process, you never know until you try. Anyhow, if they're random people you may never see again, what do you have to lose?

[antigravity]

Well I went out last night, and met a few new people, and surprisingly, they all liked me!! It was awesome.

 

I then went out to a club, and met a really cool girl, who was completely all over me. I've never had that happen to me before, but I wasn't complaining!

 

Knowing that people did find me interesting when I let go, makes me feel so much better. And that a few people thought I was cute also, so that was nice

[DN]

Well I went out last night, and met a few new people, and surprisingly, they all liked me!! It was awesome.

 

I then went out to a club, and met a really cool girl, who was completely all over me. I've never had that happen to me before, but I wasn't complaining!

 

Knowing that people did find me interesting when I let go, makes me feel so much better. And that a few people thought I was cute also, so that was nice

 

Good for you. Did you get her number?

[antigravity]

I didn't have my phone on me, but she got my number....

 

I'm not sure whether I want her to call me though. She seemed like a cute, sweet girl, but I'm not sure whether I want to see her again. Is that a bad thing??

[darkblue]

Why are you not sure?

[antigravity]

I think I don't really want to meet her because we had a good time, and I don't want to ruin it by meeting her and not like her. And it goes the other way, I don't want to meet her, and then have her realise i'm ugly, or that she's not really into me.

 

I guess it's my low self confidence coming through again, but we were both a little bit drunk (I was especially drunk later or in the night) and I just got the feeling she really wasn't that into me.

 

I'm not sure why, as she definitely initiated the kissing etc. etc.

 

But I guess i'm not expecting her to call, so if she doesn't, I won't be disappointed. But then, if she did call, I wouldn't know whether I would message or call her back.

[DN]

Don't be so negative - dating someone is all about finding out if you like each other. And if she calls she will be interested.

 

No girl is going to knock on you door and ask you to marry her. And even if she did you should not do it anyway without getting to know her.

 

Get out and about and meet people or you will end up a lonely and bitter hermit.

[Steven1607307306]

I think all you can do is try. If you don't meet her again, will she really care whether or not you were ugly? All she will think about is you not calling her. It is definatly worth it to ask any girl out again, and if she says no, then you don't want her anyway, because she is either shallow, or just a flirt. I personally hate flirts. They get you all worked up and make you think they like them, until then you see them doing the same thing to every guy. Girls are real ego busters.

[Lacuna]

Antigravity,

 

You sound like how I was in my first year of Uni. I thought I was the elephant man and couldn't imagine anyone ever liking me. On the few occasions that I did get some attention I ran screaming because at the back of my mind I figured "Better that they like me from a distance rather than hating me up close".

 

That sort of attitude is being a chicken-sh*t and if you allow that attitude to stick around you will wake up one day and find you are a middle aged man who has lived in fear all his life, that your life is one of a series of missed opportunities.

 

Life is about rejection my friend - learning to deal with it. It will happen no matter what you do so trying to avoid it is just plain silly.

 

Trust me - I'm 30 and single. I look back on my life and realise what a mess I've made of it because I was so concerned about rejection and my self doubts. Do something about it now - even though it might scare the crap out of you. If you start allowing fear to control your life it is only a matter of time until your life is no longer yours.

 

Work out ways to conquer your fear and be who YOU want to be. Start now as it takes a LONG time and you're only getting older. I know it sounds condescending but trust me - when you are older and look back you will realise what a stupid bastard you are being now.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

Look on the bright side. About 10 or more times in my life I have been with several good friends of mine doing something, when a lady will approach us and compliment on how good looking they are. Not just one guy, but different guys. Now if this happens once or twice I think, yes he's good looking I can understand that, but when it happens over and over and over again, I know that I can't attract bees with a honey bikini. It sucks to feel ugly all the time, but it's worse when you're self doubt is proven correct.

[antigravity]

Well she messaged me 2 days after we got together.. She asked me how I felt the following morning, and said that we should have a coffee sometime.

 

Anyway, we sent a couple of messages back and forward, and she wants me to meet her at the club we met at, on Friday... The thing is, my friends aren't going out that night, so if I go, I'll have to go by myself and just be with her, which is kinda scary.. Especially because she'll probably have her friends with her.

 

I'm about to call her to organise what's going to happen on friday.. Damn i'm nervous. After being with someone for 5 years, and then all of a sudden I'm organising to get together with someone I hardly know, is really weird and scary.

 

But you know what.... I'm going to do it.. Stuff it, if I end up looking like an idiot, I walk out of there, and never see them again. No one will need to know.

[antigravity]

Well I just called her (nice and quick... less than a minute!) and I told her that if I come, i'll probably be by myself.

 

She said that she can call me and we can walk in together.. Only problem is that she'll be with all her friends, and I'll be by myself like a loser!!!

 

Man.. what should I do?

[antigravity]

Here we go... worrying again..

 

Now i'm thinking that she didn't sound all that happy to speak to me on the phone... She didn't get excited when I said it was me, and we only spoke for a 1 minute or less..

 

Maybe she didn't like the sound of my voice, or something. Far out this sucks!

[Lacuna]

You're doing it to yourself man...

 

Stop the negative thoughts, don't ALLOW yourself to hold ideas in your head that will stuff you up.

 

Each time you realise you have a thought like 'I'm going to look like a loser" consciously try to think of something else - even if it's a picture of a horse or something silly. It's called Cognitive Therapy - the idea being that the thoughts you let into your head affect you as much as if there was someone standing in front of you and saying the same things.

 

I.e.- you talk yourself down and you will get down...

 

Think of more helpful things like - if she didn't want to see me she wouldn't call, if she really didn't like me she could just not talk to me etc etc

 

PRETEND you're confident...step up man - how you approach your fear could dictate the rest of your life

[antigravity]

Yeah I'm definitely going to meet her, i'm not going to chicken out.

 

But I'm going to be so nervous, and so worried that she's going to change her mind on me when we get together.

 

I can see myself turning up, meeting her there, and just following her and her friends around all night.. I don't want to do that at all.

 

If she doesn't hang around with me more than anyone else, I'm just going to leave.

 

But i'm going to face it, and see what happens. I hope everything goes well, but for some reason I always think the worst is going to happen.

[Carnatic]

I hope it goes well. It really felt good to see you find out that girls would be attracted to you. I'm kind of hoping I can draw inspiration from this.

 

Like you (or like you said you were) I am ugly as sin, and my good qualities (such as they are) are long term things that don't show through, conversationally I am quite withdrawn, awkward and boring.

 

I have been going out partying, joining societies and meeting girls regularly for about 5 years now. But I've never had a girlfriend, or met a girl who seemed interested (a couple of times girls have flirted with me but they were drunk and I think they were just being friendly).

 

I'm getting quite down and feeling lonely, so reading about you has given me renewed optimism that one day one of the girls I meet will see my good points and will find them attractive.

 

Thanks, and good luck.

 

EDIT: Oh yeah, and impress her friends, it's really important because she will want their opinion on whether you would be a good guy to go with, and think back to why your ex, wanted to go out with you when you first met, see why girls would be attracted to you.

[antigravity]

Yeah well I sent her about 7 texts last night.. I was drunk. She replied to every single one, so I didn't just crazily text and text and text.

 

I just said that I'm looking forward to going out tomorrow, and asked her whether she still wanted to meet up.

 

Is there anything wrong with that?

[Juha]

Antigravity CHILL OUT AND RELAX!!!!!!!

 

This is just another person and yes you will be out of your comfort zone but you don't get what you want by staying in your comfort zone....

 

Yes it would be nice if someone came went with you to the club but you are going to meet her and yes her friends will be there...

 

How do you know you will not hit it off with them and they will like you and want you to hang around??? You don't so let things happen and relax...You may meet a whole new group of friends...

 

If you go there all uptight with her and her friends they won't get to know you at all....Just relax and let things flow...

 

Go with the flow....Relax....You will be fine....She wants you there for a reason and believe she is as nervous as you are that is why you are meeting her in her comfort zone and not yours...

[antigravity]

Thanks Juha and everyone...

 

I'll definitely fill everyone in with what happens tonight.

 

I've got bad vibes about her, but worst case, we won't be interested in each other, and I can still have a good night with friends (i've got about 5 of my mates coming with me now!).

 

Best case, she's all over me again

 

Either way, I'll let everyone know what happens.

[antigravity]

Ok here's what happened.. Lets just say it was a VERY interesting evening

 

The girl that I met last week (D) did turn up, but by the time she got there, I wasn't interested in going any further with her. I'm not sure why. Deep down I just didn't want to take things with her further.

 

One reason is that I had my eyes on someone else. I know that sounds awful, but I'm going to go for what I want after being in a relationship for so long.

 

I spoke to D who was upset.. I was honest with her and said I dont want to be mean, but I don't want anything else from her. I wasn't cold, or nasty, and was actually really upset myself. Knowing that I was doing this to someone.

 

Anyway, this other girl who I had my eyes on © was absolutely stunning. She's half indian, half australian. And what attracted to me more than anything, was that she was modest, and kind of shy, but absolutely breathtaking. She wasnt s!utty, she was just sitting down with our joint friends.. I told her friend I thought she was really cute, and after she knew, I went for it, and started talking to her.

 

We ended up all over each other, and she invited me back to her place where I stayed the night. We pretty much stayed up all night having sex, but more importantly, we snuggled in bed until 10 (she had to go out) talking about everything! We share tons of common interests (she has a DVD collection, plays PS2 games, love cars, loves NBA basketball, and is quiet, kinda shy exactly like me).

 

We both got each others numbers (she didn't want me to leave... either did I) and I told her that I'm definitely looking forward to seeing her again. She said I'm the first guy she's ever snuggled with afterwards. The three other guys she's slept with, she has always felt like she needed to leave or get away, but didn't feel like that with me.

 

I was blown away. I couldn't stop talking to this girl.

 

I am officially smitten. I just hope I don't get hurt.

[antigravity]

Messaged her asking how she was, and that I really enjoyed being with her.

 

She sent me a message back saying she wanted to message me as soon as I left in the morning, but she was worried about being to "clingy". She said she didn't want me to leave. Either did I!

 

I told her the last thing she needs to worry about is scaring me off, and that I'd love to see her again.

 

She invited me over to her place tomorrow...

 

Can't believe it! This girl is amazing. And she's into me. Wow.