When the juice really isn't worth the squeeze; Move on!

[FCTex]

She told me:

 

"That she just wanted to be able to talk to me."

 

"Because I care about you, and you are one of the most genuine people I have ever known."

 

Doesnt say much of anything to me..

 

I think she's just wanting some attention..

 

Last week she asked;

 

"Have you decided that we can't be friends? I can't bare the thought of you not being in my life anymore"

 

 

She's so sketchy, and I'm just really not reading into anything. Until she's single and ready, and open and willing, and mature, I don't have much to forge with her I don't think..

 

Like I said. She's not really "squeezing", and I don't have a "cup"..

[patience]

she wants to have her cake and eat it too

[Bigbilly]

Yup, sounds like it.

 

She's still dating a guy, and trying to get this sort of emotional reaction out of FCTex? That's pretty asinine of her.

[FCTex]

She's not going to be getting much of anything out of me.

 

If she wants to talk in terms of working something out. Or apologizing to me.. Or.. wanting to make things better.. Then perhaps I can lend her one ear..

 

If it's just to feed her guilt.. To ease her pain.. To make her feel like things are okay.. Then no. I don't owe her that, and she needs to learn that she gambled away all friendship, and future contact when she wanted to break up.

 

I'm fine without her in my life, she needs to understand that. I can live with , or without her, eitheir way I'm living and loving it... And I dont need her to validate my happiness anymore like I used to..

 

She can keep talking, but it's nothing I want to hear, and until then, or ever, I'm just smiling at her like a mute.

[Bigbilly]

Hey, FCTex, how long has it been for you now?

 

Just wondering what sorta time frame you've been facing, here. Me, it's been two months. I am a lot better than I was, but I've been relapsing more and more lately. Just now, an Evanescence song started playing on the TV, while I am sitting at my desk working on something ...I almost lost it and had to turn the TV off ('she' loved that band).

[FCTex]

It will be 3 months this weekend.... It's pretty bad when you remember the date it all ended, just as well, if not more than the day it all started..

 

I'm doing fine. I do relapse, but I keep it under wraps. I have no urge to contact her. I only do when she contacts me, and thats just to respond, because she's so mysterious with her text messages. However, I understand that the power of voice means so much more than percieved text, so if it was important, she would call me. Basically, all I'm working on now, is not getting so angry when I'm reminded of her.

 

I'm using my anger towards working on me. I'm making it useful, in the terms of realizing that she's not even worth my anger. I don't owe her anything, and I'm certainly with the understanding that she is not coming back. She's going to have to live her life, knowing that her fathers top man in his company is her ex boyfriend, who was the best guy to ever happen to her, and she'll have to see first hand how successful I become and how happy I will still always be. I find alot of peace in that thought, as mean as it might come accross.

 

She's not worth it. She's a wonderful person, or WAS, when I was with her. She's changed a little, or she's become someone I really can't love anymore. I care for her, but that doesnt get you anywhere in live with someone you can't even talk to at this point. Maybe one day.. Maybe, but I'm not waiting on it, I'm too young to wait.

 

And, yes, like you I get reminded.. More importantly I do it to myself. I will listen to music that is NOTHING but memories for her and I. I force myself to listen to it. Yes, I get sad, but then I play it again, and I can smile. It's okay to remmeber the past, it's okay to hold those memories and the pictures will fade, trust me..

 

Hold strong, and keep your glass at hand, there's some good juice out there.

[FCTex]

I think I just needed to get this off my heart and out of my mind, so just bare with me tonight..

 

 

I've had this huge realization though the past 3 months.. Well, it hasn't been 3 months, I'm just a few days shy of 3 months.. I've looked back at how everything played out.. How I was surprised a few times, but how my gut instinct was so.. right on. My first insticts and my first thoughts of "she's going to say/do this", were usually pretty close.

 

This bothers me.. that I know her so well, that I'm able to predict what she's going to do.. Why do you ask?

 

Well.. Ever since her and I had the "talk" that we needed. I got my closure. I found my "light" to speak, to just walk out of the dark tunnel, and just be done with it. I realized I wasn't hurt by hearing some of those things, mainly because I was the one saying them to her. I was bringing her actions and her decit to the table, letting her know I knew what was going on. How terrible it was that I knew more about what she was doing than she even did. I was hurt in the lack of respect she had for me, and right then.. Once and for all, I realized that I can do better. I don't need to give her the image that I'm always going to be this really great, handsome, successful man, and that I'm going to be there for her all the time. I won't be there for her, even in her biggest times of need..

 

I'm so angry these days at the situation, but I also find myself almost getting nervous when I get contact from her. My stomach does a flip. When she came to my job, I almost had a heart attack when I laid my eyes on her.. It was gut wrenching. I just get so mad that she treated me like this, with no respect and no caution to my feelings...

 

And then for her to tell me she cares for me still, and how I'm such a wonderful person. Etc Etc. It's all just hearsay. It's just junk to fill the silent void that is bringing her guilt trips.

 

But, like I said, what really bothers me is.. My gut is telling me, something is going to happen soon.. Something.. I havent really put a finger on it, but it's going to be " a fork in the road". Something that will direct what happens between her and I.. Forever.. It's not because she's been trying to contact me... It's not because of the words she's said to me.. I just.. I feel something.. I just know that timing has alot to do with how things work out. I'm just feeling like she's going to eitheir blow up on me from lack of contact by me. Where she's just realize that she has nothing left to try and ease, because I've already walked away.. Or she's going to realize her mistake and want me back, and I'm almost dreading that. Becuase I don't want to have to work on her. I don't have the energy to try again with her, atleast not for a while, and I don't have the pride to swallow to tell everyone I took her back... My love has wained..

 

 

I've bid farewell to her.. Without telling her that. I've accepted the lack of friendship, because while she might can do it. I simply can't. I'm tired of giving in, and I'm giving up now.. For once in my life, to a women, I will not listen. I'm a great listener, but I have no ears for her voice. Her texts fall upon a blind man. Her voice falls upon deaf ears, and her face.. It's blurry to me these days. I havent seen a picture of her in weeks.. It's sad really, but I know I'm doing well. I will not wait, I can't not wait.

 

I'm too much of a big deal to be waiting on someone who's not worth who I am.. My strength is growing in this, but my heart is still heavy..

[patience]

maybe you are sensing that you will meet a new woman (the fork in the road) and then you will have to choose a direction? maybe you are letting go on deeper levels now as well?

 

you sound really mature for such a young man, and there are women out there who would love to be with such a communicative, intelligent, aware person...it sounds like you have a lot to offer to someone who wants it!

 

you would be much more compatible with an emotionallyl mature, self-aware woman than you are with your ex...someone who can appreciate what you have to offer and where you are at in terms of personal growth

 

keep your eyes and heart open for a woman who is beautiful on the inside as well as physically attractive to you

[RayKay]

I've bid farewell to her.. Without telling her that. I've accepted the lack of friendship, because while she might can do it. I simply can't. I'm tired of giving in, and I'm giving up now.. For once in my life, to a women, I will not listen. I'm a great listener, but I have no ears for her voice. Her texts fall upon a blind man. Her voice falls upon deaf ears, and her face.. It's blurry to me these days. I havent seen a picture of her in weeks.. It's sad really, but I know I'm doing well. I will not wait, I can't not wait.

 

I'm too much of a big deal to be waiting on someone who's not worth who I am.. My strength is growing in this, but my heart is still heavy..

 

I know your heart feels heavy, and you probably feel a bit "lost" but you are actually in a very good place right now.

 

For me, when I got to the point where you are now, I referred to it as "emotional exhaustion", and it's where I had nothing left to fight for the person anymore, I was at the point where if they came crawling back promising me the moon, it would not matter, as I was just DONE and there was no going back, and no going forward with them.

 

And it was not long after this point, not only did I get stronger, but my heart healed too, and in some more time, was ready for love again. And I found the person whom truly WAS the one for me, in every way...and I was thankful for my ex dumping me so I could find this new love because it surpassed all my expectations and he fits me right in every way!

 

So, you really ARE at a good point right now, as painful & disheartening as it may seem.

[FCTex]

I think I am worried about something happening soon. I just have this feeling inside of me, everyday, that it's just a matter or when and where..

 

She's going to want me back, and I think what your describing is me.. I'm so drained from this all.. Drained from even caring to keep it civil. I could just wreck it all if I didnt care, but unfortunately, I do care still. I have respect for her, even in the midst of her having utterly none for me..

 

 

I am done with her. I am moving on, and I'm letting it all go. It takes time, and I'm at the point where I more than understand that, and I'm letting it take it's course.. I don't really feel so "lost" as I did maybe weeks ago.. I feel like I have something, but I feel like it's just a shell, that it's empty inside still.

 

She has been tugging at me, and she understands my basis I believe. She always puts in her messages, that she understands if I don't want to talk, or asks if it's okay, because if it's not she'll go away.. Why does she ask those things? She still contacts me from time to time, and even in the midst of KNOWING it might bother me, even if I've expressed that to her, she still does it.. I can't be rude to her, I dont want to be rude to her most of the time.. She's my bosses daughter, and he's just about a best friend to me... I guess the saying.. "Dont **** where you eat." Pertains to me huh.

 

Another thing that bothers me, is reconcilliation. If she really put work to it, and I know if she was or not.. Would I do it? I mean.. I could watch her walk away from me over again, and not feel as bad as I did 3 months ago... However, I just don't know if it's all there.. I don't know if I, not even we, but if *I* posess the energy or the... hope rather of something ever coming back of us. I don't even think about it, and I don't hope for it, so I'm wondering if thats just the real case. It will definitely be hard if that comes to fruitation with her and I..

 

 

Thanks for the kind replies.. They mean alot. I'm glad I come off as mature, and the like. I'd like to think I am, majority of the time. The only problem is.. The women I'd love to have, are so sub par on maturity at my age, that it just never works. I find myself just kinda feeing "above" them, which is never good thing to feel.. It's hard to find a 20 something, who's still in school, and who's not a huge party animal, or someone who just wants to fling around for the midst of school. I'm not ready to just sow my seeds, I've never been one to really want too. I'm 20, but I'm already lookin for committment.. I think there lies the problem.

[Trax]

I know what you're going through...I'm basically in the same spot. Its been almost 2 months to the day since I got "the call". How she couldn't be with me anymore, needed to focus on her life, only loved me as a friend. Didn't know if she would get back with me or not...needed space. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Three days prior we were together, happy and moving forward as any other day we had been together.

 

Two weeks after that, the face to face on how it was completely over. She had already moved on, stopped loving me for a long time (hard to believe since she never acted or did anything different), was happier without me, was free. Tough pill to swallow. Denial set in. Then, the pathetic attempts to make her see things differently. Finally the realization that they were hopeless. Just give her her space.

 

Fast forward three more weeks. At the bar. With him. Seeing her kissing some guy. The worst of the worst. Was this happening when we were together? Unlikely. We spent literally everyday together. Were they talking? Possibly. The drunken call from her later that night. Claims they started dating two weeks prior, but how can this be believed when she never mentioned anything about being with someone else? I'm knocked back to sqare one all over again, but this time its 10x worse.

 

Finally, acceptance. Its over. The person that I knew and loved and would do anything for and be there with is dead and gone. Transformed literally overnight. Was she trying to deliberately hurt me? Make me jealous? Does it even matter anymore? No. She knew what she was doing. This isn't the same person anymore. Moved on like our time together was nothing. I feel betrayal more than anything now. Going on almost 3 weeks of NC and I'm all the better for it.

 

Do I still miss her? Yes. Do I still lover her? Of course. But, those feelings slowly erode away with the sands of time. In that time, she'll realize what she had, realize what she gave up. I know I'll hear from her again. Hopefully it will be when I'm fully healed. Could we ever be together again after all that's happened? Not likely. She'd have to put in one hell of an effort to just gain my ear again.

 

I'm simply emotionally drained. The sadness, anger, depression...all are fading. I still think of her everyday. Its just not the same. The emotions come and go, but I just feel....empty.

 

I know I'll be able to love again but, not after being very cautious. My mind is ready to move on, but my heart still needs time.

[sukerbut]

AMEN BROTHERS i too am feeling the exact same emotions...i am emotionally drained ..feel betrayed and made to be a fool. by soem insignificant woman. this is the 3 rd time she has done this to me..but this time she pulled all the tricks ..marriage..kids the works..just to lift me up and sack me like a ton of bricks with no remorse" I dont love you like you love me" You said when we started no guarantees" a month prior to these words i was getting" you make me so happy..i dont know what i would do if you left" "please dont break my heart" it is just very perplexing..it does not make sense..thats the problem that i am dealing with

[FCTex]

I haven't heard a thing from her in a while.. I couldn't tell you the last time we had a chat, or even exchanged text messages. I'm sure I could really look, and tell, but why? I think I'm doing good, that I don't even think of the days that I havent been in contact with her. I'm not counting, I don't think I ever was in the first place.

 

I think however, what bothers me is.. The holidays are coming up, and while not only will that be a hard time, I'm just wondering if she's going to act like things are fine, and attempt to be okay with me during the holidays. I don't want to be a jerk, but I'm honestly, not really feeling like exchanging anything with her for the holidays. Not to mention, I'm not really looking forward to seeing her at the company christmas parties eitheir at work.

 

I'm moving on okay I believe. I still think of her from time to time. I allow myself to be reminded.. I allow myself to realize who she is now, and how thats not a person I want in my life, or something who I want to be so close to again. It hurts me, but I find some solitude in the fact that I'm mature enough to realize when it's not good anymore and to stop wishing for the negative, just because it was once great.. All great things must come to and end right? I guess mine just came shorter than expected, and with a greater degree of "learning" in the process.

 

Ironically.. If she started coming back around to me, full force, and wanted to try again. I don't know if I could. I would probably give it a shot, but I feel like I wouldnt have all of myself back into it, for fear of it happening again..

[sukerbut]

yeah thats what i told myself also..and i was doing well for a while..when she came back into my life for the third time my friends who know her flaky nature were like..sukerbut be carefull she is dangerous and i was i know what i am doing...i played the game well till she started showing me she was for real...as soon as that happened i let my guard down and then i got cold cocked with a frying pan...this monster was telling me third times the charm..dont break my heart ..we are going to get mariied...right? WRONG not only are you not going to break my heart and not only am i not going to marrie you but i am going to humiliate you and destroy all your dreams you pathetick loser of a man you!... leaving me for hedonistick and bohemian lifestyle..to hell with her. this is the third time she broke my heart..

[FCTex]

Just keep in mind, that while you do get down, you have to be a realist in all of this and look at whats happened.

 

 

You can't be with someone who treats you in any way, shape or form that doesn't make you happy. Sure, we're guilty of it as well to other people, but they have control over it too. You do as well.

 

I'm really just feeling great about things I guess.. I still think of her, but it doesn't consume me. I'm worried about the holidays coming. I'm worried about something happening with her, and her wanting to come back to me soon. I know something is going to break soon. Something will change in the matter of time.

 

I'm well past trying to pave a way for her to get back to me should she care. I'm not paving anything, I'm taking my own path and if she finds me in the midst of it all one day in the future, then maybe. She's not worth the squeeze, and her juice isn't the same it used to be.

 

Remember that everyone.. What you had, will not be what it is now. Regardless of the promises, the situation, the words, the tears.. They won't make it what it used to be and you will not feel the same. The result of all of your work, and tears and the like, won't carry as much weight because of what you'll get in the end of it all.

 

 

I had a thought today going home. If my ex passes me on this road home(which is very possible, but yet to happen).. Would I acknowledge her? Certainly, I tell myself I wouldnt. I would not even look(or let her see me) in her direction.. She's the past to me and I can't be looking back!

[FCTex]

Even I... get amazed at how on target I am with my gut instinct.

 

Last night.. I got a call from the ex. I can't tell you the last time I had a call from her, or a text, or saw her.. I dont keep count, but for the sake of it all, it's been several weeks, to a month with nothing.. She's attempted in the past, nothing started by me.

 

She called, left no voicemail and didnt try again. She then left me a AIM message late in the evening. Making me aware that she tried to call, and that she wanted to talk, and to say Hi and see how I was doing. Then proceeded to tell me that she wanted me, or that I COULD(how nice of her) call her and that she wanted to talk and stuff.

 

I'm not doing anything. It was a mere speed bump.. It's an ego boost. She's getting nothing but away messages and voicemails... The past of me, always a minute short and a fingers length out of reach.

[moondog627]

Good for you FCTex. Stay strong brother.

[FCTex]

It's not hard too these days.. It's a huge ego boost, and not to mention, I feel some emotions coming in to play with someone else, so it's pretty new.. It's cool...

 

We all move on in our own ways and in our own time... Just learning to not squeeze at the impossible is the thing to remember.

[FCTex]

Well, it's been a while since I posted on this..

 

 

My ex has attempted to contact me online, twice. Has left messages on my AIM, twice. Simply saying HI, and asking to talk to me.

 

She has called my cell phone, 4 times in the last week. Including this week. No voicemails left, except for one last night.

 

Very pathetic, very sulken, very depressed/low sounding.. She said she wasn't trying to bother me, was wanting to see how I was, and to talk to me. Wanted to know if I would call her back, and.. then very quietly trailed off in a depressed voice and said.. I guess I'll let you go now, bye.

 

I checked it, erased it, and kept on about what I was doing.

 

She sent me a text message, 5-10 minutes after the call. Saying "I was just calling to say Hi, and I wanted to really see how you were. I"m sorry if I bothered you. I'd like you to call me back if you want.. I want you too".

 

I didnt reply to it.

 

Another text, 10 minutes after the last.

 

"Or not...I guess your not going to call me. I'm sorry I bothered you, and I understand that you don't want to talk to me again. It's just hard to think that we wont ever talk to each other again anymore."

 

I didn't reply.

 

So.. Lots of contact. Nothing I wanted to hear(is there anything I want to hear from her anymore?)..

 

It's crazy how times have changed. Regardless of her situation, or why she was really calling. She is learning her lesson in life. One that I was made to teach, and I can't fail her. She must hurt, and realize life does not revolve around her, and that you do NOT treat people, lie, and decieve people after the fact, regardless of what your intentions are of them.

 

I've got a women worth my juice. I'm squeezing, and she's got her glass out. My ex.. I've shattered her glass, and she's trying to mop up the mess.

 

Stay strong everyone.. The blowing point is near.

[RayKay]

Very interesting turn of events lately FCTex. Reading that, what she has texted you, reminds me of what dumpees will often do....

 

Hold strong

[phillygal]

FCTex, I'm amazed at your strength and your maturity in dealing with this situation. It's interesting to read your thread from the beginning and how you predicted that she would come crawling back to you. I think you are a good man and she's realising what she had. Sometimes people think the grass is greener on the other side and she's probably seeing thats not the case. I'm sure she's shocked at how cold and unresponsive you are to her attempts in contacting you and its driving her crazy! Good for you for staying so strong and good luck with your new romance

[Zerohero]

Man you woke me up again. I was goin down that path of sadness thinking I did something wrong. Then I had to remember, hey she's the one he treated me like crap. In fact, she should come apologising to me, and beging me for a chance back. Screw the broad. I've got other women lined up for the chance to ride the roller coaster of the year!

[FCTex]

My friends joke about my life being a movie..

 

It really is!!

 

 

In any case. I don't think my ex is "crawling back". I wonder if something happened and she was lookin for comfort.

 

She's called, and not gotten an answer, and just left it at that for a few days, or a week or so.. And tried again.

 

I honestly believe her guilt and regret is building up. I think she's realizing that I'm REALLY not there. Thats when you know you've moved on. When you honestly look back. When you see what you cried over, what you gave in for. What you loved, kissed, hugged, smiled for.. When you look at everything you gave, lost, and learned, and you can walk away from it. Because it's overshadowed by something. The break up.

 

It's hard to build on a cracked foundation.. Regardless of how much NEW you put on it... that crack is still there.

 

I've let go. I'm moved on. I think of her from time to time. But it's nothing more than me just thinking about what she's been up to, and what she's lost.

 

I'm better for the break up. Everyone, is better for their break ups. You can't see it, or hear it, or feel it... yet... But trust me. A break up is sometimes the hardest, yet the most fulfilling task, we as humans will ever take on.. You learn so much, from so much pain.

 

 

My ex doesnt want me back though. She's hurting that she's messed it all up. That she can't toss me in the "still okay" box of ex boyfriends.

 

I'm the one that got away, and didn't look back like the rest.

 

Be that person, be strong.

[Zerohero]

Yea, ex's can sometimes be very selfish, and want you to come to their aid, like somehow since you dated them you should. Strange , but it's true. Don't be used people.

[Trax]

When you honestly look back. When you see what you cried over, what you gave in for. What you loved, kissed, hugged, smiled for.. When you look at everything you gave, lost, and learned, and you can walk away from it. Because it's overshadowed by something. The break up.

 

I really thought of this the other day. No matter what my feelings for my ex are or were or what they could possibly be in the future, I know that I can never go back because of A. How she handled the break up and B. The way she treated me afterwards. What was can never be again, and what could be can never happen because of what happened.

 

Strange. My ex was signed onto AIM yesterday for the first time in months. She actually stopped using it because I did. After the break I started using it again to get back in touch with friends. She probably did to talk to friends since I know her favorite band is playing soon, but nonetheless it got my mind churning. No messages were exchanged, I certainly was not going to send her one. It probably has no meaning, but I have a feeling that contact will be attempted by her soon. I'm not ready for it. I don't know why but today I've felt a little sad for the first time in weeks. I have to keep pushing forward. I've been doing well for so long now and I can't afford to have any set backs. The more time that passes the better.