cheated with a coworker

[Shadows Light]

You've admitted to everyone else and yourself there is something wrong in the marriage.

 

If you've contemplated or have stepped out of your marriage for any reason. Then... HELLO THERES A PROBLEM. and its not going to go away all by itself.

 

You don't need to add insult to injury by telling him of this... brief dalliance. But what you do need to do for yourself is to STOP. THINK. and try to find some resolution to your marital problems.

 

Arn't you worth being loved? What is your life worth? Why are you hanging on to a sham of a marriage. You are lying not only to yourself but the man you call husband. Not only do you lack physical atraction for him. But you lack Respect for him. AND.... Respect for yourself.

 

The man in the office.. probably realized a little to late, that he'd made a HUGE mistake. And he is remorseful. Let him be. Save yourself and your diginity...and your self respect.

 

Everyone needs to feel loved and cared for. If they don't feel they are getting that from their marriage. Its TIME to reassess the marriage...and make some hard decisions. It won't fix itself and this will not go away or be swept under the rug. It will fester and manifest itself in other areas of your life.

[ScreenagerX]

I don't have any intentions of telling my husband, since it was only once, and it won't happen again. I spend more time with the man at work, than my husband since we're on completely opposite shifts. That's my concern with the guy at work.

 

So your husband works at the same place as you & this other guy? Thats going to be even more difficult if word gets out.

 

Sounds to me like this guy is being pretty childish about the whole thing as a result to his lack of "performance". No man wants to be reminded of that for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Its bad enough if it happens to you in a long trem relationship let alone an office fling. I wouldn't expect him to get over it in a hurry. I think he will always be somewhat stand-offish but will get to a point where you will be able to work alongside each other. I suggest you don't bring it up with him again or anybody else in the workplace plus give it some time.

 

I'm not going to tell you to tell your husband as I think that is entirely up to you & whether you can live with it or not. I am only trying to help you with what you requested. Office flings happen, its a fact of life. Especially now that alot of people spend more time at work than at home. It does depend on what the home life is like though.

[cyberleeze]

Spader, thanks for the understanding words. My husband and I do not work at the same place. Hearing that you've been there also, what did you end up doing? Did the person you cheated with still talk to you?

[Hope75]

Are you happy in your marriage now, Cyberleeze? Do you like it the way it is, or would you like to see things change? If so, what would you like to see different?

[yeawutever]

So u didn't told ur hubby about ur affair i assume, well keep it that way, don't tell. Don't talk to the guy at work again, no conatct with him wutsoever, quit worrying about him and focus on ur marriage. Also, THINK ABOUT WHY U MARRIED UR HUBBY IN THE FIRST PLACE, THINK ABOUT WHEN U MET HIM FOR THE FIRST TIME.

[Shadows Light]

Also, THINK ABOUT WHY U MARRIED UR HUBBY IN THE FIRST PLACE, THINK ABOUT WHEN U MET HIM FOR THE FIRST TIME.

 

Thats just it Ailec, he's not the same man she married. Nor is she the same woman. Neither are the same as when they met the first time. They've grown in many ways. Some together...and they've grown on their own. Right now, they are discovering that they have a huge difference of opinion. The shakiness comes from recognizing...or starting to recognize those differences. Trying to hold it together and trying to figure out if you can "LIVE" with those differences.

 

Its like walking through a mine field at this point if you think about it.

 

What She does need to do.. .is see this as a wake up call. And address what has been happening in her home that she's turned a blind eye to. Because its a wound that is festering... it will not get better. Either LANCE the wound and cauterize it. Or.. wait longer and have to amputate it. Simple as that.

[cyberleeze]

Since I first posted the reply, this guy at work has approached me 3 more times at work (this was after the "I'm freaked out" speech he gave me) I wish I could say I was strong and resisted, but I didn't. So the pattern has become... He approaches me and starts with the flirting and touching, we have some sort of intimate contact (still at work) and then he ignores me for about a week and then the cycle starts over. I've read all the posts and appreciate the advice. But a lot of you posted that he was ignoring me because he did'nt want a repeat performance, so... was just wondering what your thoughts were now. The problem with my marriage has to do with my lack of attraction to my husband of 8 years and since that's not something I can "fix" and I'm not telling him or leaving him, I'm just looking for advice on how to handle my feelings during the "ignored period", from any guys out there who can maybe give me some insight on what could possible going on in that head of his. Thanks

[shes2smart]

Honestly, I think you're focusing on the wrong thing here. Have you considered the consequences on your continued employement if/when your affair is discovered by a supervisor or co-workers?

 

Point blank: are you in a position where you can afford to lose your job?

 

People notice things. People talk. Word gets around. No matter how careful you are not to be discovered, it is just a matter of time before someone else notices things and figures it out, or catches you in a compromising position. (I am assuming there are more people working at this place than just you and him.) Depending on your company's policies toward this sort of thing, one or both of you may find yourself subject to whatever form of company discipline is available up to and including finding yourself out of a job. If nothing else, employers tend to take a dim view of non-work/work-related activities during one's scheduled working hours.

 

Now, if you don't care about this job, don't need the income, or if jobs are easy to find in your area, then this isn't a concern. Otherwise, is the threat of a sudden loss of income or being reprimanded at work and having your private business known to your supervisor/co-workers a risk you are willing to take?

[cyberleeze]

Of course I don't want to lose my job. And neither does he, which is why he acts so weird afterwards. But he keeps coming back, which is what I don't understand. I have never approached him prior to any encounter, so it's always him that instigates any contact. Unfortunately, at this point, I'm not strong enough to say no as long as he's pursuing.

[Hope75]

I agree that you are focusing on the wrong this here as well. You can definitely put some energy into and work on what's going wrong within your marriage, instead of focusing so much energy on a man who is married to someone else and who is using you at work for some fun and then blowing you off afterwards.

 

You say you aren't going to leave your husband, doesn't eternity seem an awful long time to you to be with someone who you aren't attracted to? Don't you feel guilty about messing around with someone outside the marriage? Don't you WANT to feel connected, emotionally and sexually, to the person you married?

 

You are just blowing it off as though there is nothing you can do, when if, you talked to him and worked on it together, there is alot that the two of you could do.

 

I'm sad for you.

[lady00]

But he keeps coming back, which is what I don't understand.

 

Why don't you understand why he does this? He does it because he can. Because he knows that you won't refuse his advances. And he knows that no matter how much he ignores you in between the encounters you will still be willing to hook up with him. You are both using each other to get something that you're not getting at home.

 

Unfortunately, at this point, I'm not strong enough to say no as long as he's pursuing.

 

You're telling yourself this because if you feel that it's not within your control then you don't have to own up to what you're doing. What makes you not strong enough to say no? Isn't it because you really don't want to say no? It's a conscious choice that you're making to be involved with this man. If you don't like the way that he treats you (ignoring you etc) you don't have to just take that. You have the power to end things. Similarly, in your marriage, if you don't feel attraction for your husband, you can do something about it. Either try to find ways of working through that (in some cases, there are ways to reignite the flame in a relationship) or end it. You're not helpless in this situation. There are a lot of things you can do to get out of it. The question is, do you want to?

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

Since I first posted the reply, this guy at work has approached me 3 more times at work (this was after the "I'm freaked out" speech he gave me) I wish I could say I was strong and resisted, but I didn't. So the pattern has become... He approaches me and starts with the flirting and touching, we have some sort of intimate contact (still at work) and then he ignores me for about a week and then the cycle starts over. I've read all the posts and appreciate the advice. But a lot of you posted that he was ignoring me because he did'nt want a repeat performance, so... was just wondering what your thoughts were now.

 

To answer your question. From the way you described it. He has an itch, you scratch it, he's satisfied (and worried about the whole at work thing) and doesn't come back until that itch needs to be scratched again.

 

In short....

 

He's using you.

 

At least that's how I see it. Now if he would actually try to have some meaningful communication instead of ignoring you in between these times you "hook up", I would think different. Since he's only paying attention to you when he wants some, I'm sorry, I can't see it any other way. To him, you're a toy to be brought out when he feels like playing.

[ScreenagerX]

Of course I don't want to lose my job. And neither does he, which is why he acts so weird afterwards. But he keeps coming back, which is what I don't understand. I have never approached him prior to any encounter, so it's always him that instigates any contact. Unfortunately, at this point, I'm not strong enough to say no as long as he's pursuing.

 

Cyberleeze I think you need to figure out what you are trying to get from this relationship. I'm not going to give you the third degree about your marriage as its not my place to say plus thats not what this post is about.

I do agree with Lonelyinasmalltown in that he has an itch & you scratch it which is fine provided thats what you both want & your both comfortable with the consequences. Of course the obvious consequence is your job(s) the other being that your husband will find out & then you will have to deal with that also. My biggest recommendation is that if you must do it keep it out of the workplace

[SLMitchell918]

Although this might be hard to believe at the stage you are right now with the other guy, but its best for him to ignore you. I'm not really sure if you want to continue your fling or not, but it honestly isn't doing any good. I am sure you know that cheating on your husband isn't good. But thats not what you asked help about. However I do suggest getting some help. Counciling might actually help. But the other guy strikes me as the type of person that cheats a lot on his wife. Those type of people use women to get satisfaction and when they are satisfied, they ignore you for awhile and may come back when things get bored at home again. I'm not sure if you want to live and work like that but if you do , it can't be good for you, your marriage, your job, and the other guy. I hope things get straightened out for you.

[justaman]

Bottom line, it sounds like the guy is using you for sex and you really dont care about yourself or how your husband feels.

 

Being a husband, if I found out my wife cheated once, and felt horrible, told me about it up front, etc etc, I might let it go and just go tell his wife what he did and ruin his marriage. If I found out she did it 5x, wasn't really remorseful except for the fact that she might lose her job, AND would give in again if asked, on top of being treated like crap and putting up with a sorry SOB that cheats on his wife, I'd get their boss involved (can you say fired?), make the news very public (tell their family, friends, business partners, clients, etc)... basically ruin their lives, because now all the time, money, and effort I had invested in the MARRIAGE is gone.

 

Then I would sue for damages, get custody of the children, collect child support, buy a sports car and/or motorcycle, three things I gave up because I decided being married and starting a family with the woman I loved was more important. But now since she disagrees, I would get to be free, have the kids, cars, toys, the ability to date other women.

 

Seems like you are giving him the better end of hte deal. You get to get fresh with a cheating husband once a week that doesn't pay attention to you, and he gets everything.

 

So wait, what was your question?

[Caldus]

Bottom line, it sounds like the guy is using you for sex and you really dont care about yourself or how your husband feels.

 

Sadly enough I agree.

[babycristy456]

Leave this freaking guy alone! For all you know he regrets what he did and wishes he never has to look at you again. Yea he started it, but he is smart to keep away. He probably is thinking of his wife at home nd his job.

 

You don't even sound like you are sorry. Straighten out your priorities hunny.