Falling out of love????

[Janim7]

This will be quite long so I hope you dont fall asleep!

 

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 and a half years now and have felt so in love... like best friends... soul mates and things couldnt have been better at times! But I have also thought what else could be out there for me. In particular recently I have been thinking of going travelling and meeting new people (as I dont have many friends around this area), and experiencing different cultures.

 

I have lived in England for a year now (father was in military so lived abroad) and we have got our own flat, but I am getting fed up of having to do the same thing every day... nothing new ever seems to happen!

 

I went away on holiday to visit my uncle last week and while I was away I met someone who made me realise how much more there is in life, he was a local round there. I didn't go out there with a plan to meet somebody... but it happened. I wouldnt say I fell in love or anything like that but there certainly was some sort of connection. And I was more upset at the thought of coming back to my boyfriend and my job than staying over there with him. That cant be right!?!

 

I have tried telling my boyfriend that we want different things but he cant seem to accept that I would leave him and I REALLY dont want to hurt him, as we are very close and I care about him a lot... I love him but I dont believe we are in love anymore... does that make sense?!??!?!

 

I just want to explain how I feel to him but we just keep going round in circles! I cant explain it how I want to! I do not want to hurt him!!! But maybe I have to be selfish?!

 

I could write so much more but I have probably lost all your intrerest now anyway!!!

 

Basically... I want to live my life while I am young (I am 20) and feel like I shouldnt be where I am now. But I feel trapped because we have are renting a flat, bills to pay, I have a decent job round here but no family close-by. I also dont want to hurt my boyfriend and him to do something stupid!!!

 

It sounds silly but its like my body is having a fight with itself... one half wanting one thing the other half wanting another!!!

 

Any advice???

[Shaun23]

Hi Janim

 

My gf and I have also been together for 5 years plus,and I would die if she had to have thoughts like you are having!

 

The thing is,why would you be with him for such a long time if you didn't think he was the one. I think you are trying to live out your relationship the way Hollywood tries to express it! You never see these couples who are madly in love have to pay bills,got to work,take out the rubbish,etc.Point is,if you meet someone else, and live with them,how will it be different?You would still have to do all the things you are doing now!

 

I think,while your bf is watching tv or something,stand/sit where he can't see you,and just look at him.Think of why you are with him,and what you love about him,and why you have been with him for so long.You will then realise that life is not all fun and games,but your bf is there to help you through the times when you feel there is nowwhere to run to.

 

Let me know what you think......

[ryan14]

hi

 

i feel for you and for your BF, it would be best if you try to finish it right away, so that you won't prolong the hurt that you'll inflict to your BF, i am not promoting to break up with him and "go with what you feel with this new guy," but i would suggest to really think hard and spend time being alone for awhile, and try to understand what you really want in your life and act on it, sometimes we act on our random impulse, i'd say take your time to know this new guy first before jumping in.

 

good luck and keep us posted

[Janim7]

Hiya.

 

Thanks for the advice. I will try what you said... the thing is, I dont believe that we want the same things in life in general! I know life can not be like hollywood... but I want to be able to say in 10 years time that I have lived my life and not been held back, which is how I feel about our relationship! He is happy to plod along how we are because he doesnt see how it can be anything else... but there is a big world out there!!!

 

I know we have been together for such a long time and its easy to say why not just carry on as its what i am used to... but does that make it "what i want"??? I'm not sure it is! People are together for long times and fall out of love...

 

Its not really about leaving him for someone else... its leaving him to find out who i am and who i want to be! But the hard part is explaining that to him....

 

I will try the watching him thing though and see if I can make more sense of things!

 

Cheers

[Janim7]

hi

 

i feel for you and for your BF, it would be best if you try to finish it right away, so that you won't prolong the hurt that you'll inflict to your BF, i am not promoting to break up with him and "go with what you feel with this new guy," but i would suggest to really think hard and spend time being alone for awhile, and try to understand what you really want in your life and act on it, sometimes we act on our random impulse, i'd say take your time to know this new guy first before jumping in.

 

good luck and keep us posted

 

Thanks! I dont want to rush into anything new... its more about myself than this other guy. Plus... this other guy is from another country and lives over there, so i would only be able to see him occasionally... unless i decide to move there as I have family there... but that would be a long way off!

 

I will keep you posted.

 

It is so hard just to finish things after all this time... will have to have a good long hard think about it!!!

 

Cheers

[yokohama_mama]

You're very young...you were 15 when you two got together? So it's not surprising that in the time you've been with him you've grown and changed. Part of you is comfortable with things the way they are, and part of you wants to get away, have adventures and try different things before you settle down.

 

Because you are now living together and you've started to make a life in the town where you are, it's more complicated to leave. But if that's what you really feel you want to do, then you shouldn't stay with your boyfriend just to spare him hurt; you'll inevitably end up hurting him more when you either finally get up the courage to go, or stay but feel unhappy and take it out on him.

 

Whatever you do, before you leave make sure you have a plan of exactly where you want to go and what you want to do. It might be easier to do things step by step; if you're not totally sure about breaking up you could first move into your own place in the town you're in, and continue dating without living together. Then if it still doesn't seem to be working, it'll be easier to end it without the complications of moving out of your shared place.

 

If travel is what you want to do, then maybe you coulld take some time, continue with the job for now and save some money to travel.

 

Just a few ideas, good luck.

[kellbell]

I am with Yoko on this one,

 

You guys were 15 when you started dating. My God, I am NOTHING like I was at 15 or even 20 or 25!! I will be 29 in a couple weeks. We change and how you feel when you are teenager will definitely change when you are in your 20s. I think you are too young to be bogged down in a serious relationship like this.

The fact you are thinking about other men is not a good sign and you are falling out of love with him. If you were truly happy, you wouldn't be feeling like this. I guess, you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel. I feel bad for you because you feel trapped in a sense but I feel really feel bad for your boyfriend. You are making a fool out of him, not meliciously but you are. You NEED to tell him what you wrote here so he can get on with his life and get on with yours. Good luck and all the best.

[J a m e s]

hi Janim

 

i can kind of relate to your situation, but im the male in it.

 

I have been posting on this forum, cos my girlfriend and I split after 6 years, which i wasnt expecting - we got together when she was 16 and i was 18, with us living together for around 2 years.

 

we did everything together, but when you move in this is when things change. as we all know males are completely different to females (i have discovered this more trying to understand why we split) when we did move in, you get comfortable and things slide a little - the effort in the relationship evapourates through know ones fault. it seems to me that the female still yearns for that excitement where as the male has made his territory and is quite happy how things are.

 

your feelings are not gonna change overnight, if they are settling in now - my ex and i have been split for 2 months and i cant see her changing her mind now with us getting back together, we are not even talking at the moment either

 

your post thought has really helped me understand her feelings, and what she was probably kind of thinking to.

 

i would recommend sitting your boyfriend down and having a chat about it, but this will be very hard as he may not listen very well to it, or just flip his lid.

 

maybe space between each other is what you need, so you both can grow and let your feelings inside decide what is best.

[Shaun23]

James

 

I am glad you posted this,cause this will be a warning to me. My gf and I are planning on moving in together early next year,so I will be carefull of not letting things"Slide" as you said! Thanks for the advise(Indirectly)!!!

 

Sorry to hear about the breakup!!

[Janim7]

You're very young...you were 15 when you two got together? So it's not surprising that in the time you've been with him you've grown and changed. Part of you is comfortable with things the way they are, and part of you wants to get away, have adventures and try different things before you settle down.

 

Whatever you do, before you leave make sure you have a plan of exactly where you want to go and what you want to do. It might be easier to do things step by step; if you're not totally sure about breaking up you could first move into your own place in the town you're in, and continue dating without living together. Then if it still doesn't seem to be working, it'll be easier to end it without the complications of moving out of your shared place.

 

Yes, I was 15 when we got together, he was 16. I think, as time has gone on, he is more dependant on me than I am on him, which is why its worrying what will happen to him if we break up... but I cant keep thinking like that can I?!

 

I live in an area where EVERYWHERE is expensive to live... so moving out into my own place is not an option unfortunately.

 

Thanks for advice ...

[Janim7]

The fact you are thinking about other men is not a good sign and you are falling out of love with him. If you were truly happy, you wouldn't be feeling like this. I guess, you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel. I feel bad for you because you feel trapped in a sense but I feel really feel bad for your boyfriend. You are making a fool out of him, not meliciously but you are. You NEED to tell him what you wrote here so he can get on with his life and get on with yours. Good luck and all the best.

 

Thanks KellBell... I am going to speak with him tonight hopefully and see what happens.

 

After almost 6 years I didnt think it would come to this... I feel so cruel... perhaps I should do!!!

 

Cheers

[Janim7]

James... thanks for your reply. Sorry to hear about your break up.. glad it has helped you, even just in a small way!

 

I have been thinking like it for a while now but going on holiday triggered it. We only ever seem to have fun when we are apart from each other and thats why I think its best to be apart... but it has shocked him big time how i am feeling... I'm evil arent i?!?!

 

Things can only get better though I suppose, for me and for him!!! I hope!

[Hunterboyhun2]

I wouldn't say evil, though he might, but I would say irresponsible and immature. I don't mean it in a typically negative sense but rather in a literal sense, that you are young and lack the sense of resposibilty that someone 10+ more years might feel.

 

I think that from what you have said, the die is pretty much cast. I think if not now then 6 months or 12 months down the track you'll find someone else. It is probably better to break it now than risk cheating on him and thereby rub salt into the wound. At least he is young enough to blow a good 5+ years looking for someone else to replace you.

 

I seriously think this is an early 20's thing for girls. A quarter-life crisis. They get all into relationships and being in a 'serious' relationship in their teens then come 20, 21, 22 all of a sudden it's like that's just not good enough any more.... what else does the world hold for me? or rather read as "I am beginning to realise my own sexual power and the ego boost it gives me to be able to flirt and attract other men is empowering and intoxicating. I want other men."

 

Yeah I'm harsh on you, it's largely because I've been through what your boyfriend is about to go through and it's not pretty. Probably the worst I've ever hurt. So let's not tip-toe around the huge emotional punch in the face you're going to hand this guy.

 

One thing... after you're done meeting a host of other guys, and exploring the 'real' you. You may just find that the grass is not always greener on the other side. Caveat emptor.

[Janim7]

 

One thing... after you're done meeting a host of other guys, and exploring the 'real' you. You may just find that the grass is not always greener on the other side. Caveat emptor.

 

Hunterboy... thank you for your honesty... its nice to see people being honest... I know things might not work out right with whatever i end up doing... but to stay the way it is I would never know!!! Thats what I need to do... my problem is actually doing it!

[kellbell]

One more thing, DO NOT stay with your man because you cannot afford to live somewhere else. That is cruel. There many solutions to any problem. Start saving, get another job, move in with your parents, stay with a friend. Good luck in whatever you decide.

[Hunterboyhun2]

thank you for your polite reception of my comment. I try to be honest. And if I was to say one thing more it would be that you will do what you want to do, in this case you want other people, you'll go for them. But if for no other reason than old time's sake, you MUST be honest with your current boyfriend and treat him with as much courtesy as you can. Deception hurts as much if not more than the actual ending of things. Please don't make his time any harder than it needs to be. It might be worth trying to keep in mind how you would feel if the circumstances were reversed.

 

Sadly this happens all too often. It's such a hard lesson for everyone involved. Damn.

 

Good luck.. hope you find what it is you feel you are missing.

[Janim7]

One more thing, DO NOT stay with your man because you cannot afford to live somewhere else. That is cruel. There many solutions to any problem. Start saving, get another job, move in with your parents, stay with a friend. Good luck in whatever you decide.

 

Think you misunderstood me then... I just meant it would be better for us to keep this place on for both our sakes until we both decide to move on! I realise I must sound cruel but didnt mean it that way!

 

Cheers

[kellbell]

Oh, gottcha. I truly hope things work out for you guys. Keep us posted.

[antigravity]

This has also recently happened to me, my partner of 5 years decided she didn't love me anymore. We had been living together for a year.

 

I didn't do anything to hurt her, infact I was completely loyal and honest with her, but she just fell out of love with me.

 

My opinion on this is that long term love is different from short term love. Long term love is when you don't have those exciting, butterfly in the stomach feelings, but still care about your partner and want to share your life with them. A loving relationship is all about sharing your life with someone, and sharing the experiences that come your way.

 

You don't need to get butterflys everytime you kiss or hug... Long term love is based on trust, love, honesty and knowing who the other person is, and still wanting to share your life and time with them. Knowing that you'll both be there for each other regardless of what they do or what they say. That's what love is.

 

I actually get quite angry about it (only because i've been hurt by my ex), but I get the feeling a lot of young women expect a long term relationship to be all romantic and exciting all the time. When it's not, and things get a little tedious and hum drum (paying bills etc..) they think they're missing out on something. Well you'll get with someone else, it'll be exciting for a year or two, and then it'll end up being "average" again.

[Juha]

Aint that the truth antigravity....These women go around thinking there

is always something or someone better out there...

 

Even if they love and care about the person they are with more than anyone else in their life...

 

These types of women bounce from person to person like you said for a year or two at a time...THey never go back to someone they already were with no matter how they feel about them, becaue they would be admitting they made a mistake and women like this do not want to do that...

 

So they float around for years from relationship to relationship and next thing you know they are late twenties/early thirties and they end up settling for what they can get then, which is usually some piece of garbage...

 

They think about the one person they should not have left but never do anything about it or it really is too late...

 

It is a vicous cycle these women put themselves and their loved ones through..

 

I am not trying to be harsh but I have seen this situation sooo many times it is sad...

[antigravity]

Yes I know.. Don't get me wrong, men can be just as bad in relationships, in fact worse. They can be abusive, physically and verbally, and they also cheat just as much, if not more.

 

However, I know soooo many females that go from relationship to relationship trying to find their "true" love. I'm only 22, but I know of a few ladies in their late 30's early 40's who have been like that, and have ended up realising that what they're after isn't real, and they settle for whatever they've got at the time.

 

I've seen it a lot also. It is sad. Men definitely get a rough deal when it comes to commitment and long term relationships. I think men deal with relationship problems better than women.

[Janim7]

Thanks for your comments but I am not looking for a "true love" or other relationships... I am looking to find out "who I am" and to do this I feel I have to be on my own.

 

I have been with my boyfriend since I was 15 and there have been many situations wher I have had to miss out on things... its just a shame I havent realised this until now!

[antigravity]

Thanks for your comments but I am not looking for a "true love" or other relationships... I am looking to find out "who I am" and to do this I feel I have to be on my own.

 

I have been with my boyfriend since I was 15 and there have been many situations wher I have had to miss out on things... its just a shame I havent realised this until now!

 

Why do you have to be on your own to find out who you are?

 

Is it because he doesn't let you do things? Is he too controlling?

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Is it a must for you to break up with him to rediscover yourself?

 

Is there any other way?

 

Could you find out "who you are" while you are with him?

 

Do you have activity has both of you not doing together? In other words, does both of you have activity that share together, and activity that did seprately?

 

Do you want to try a vacation for one month without him?

[L8RISER]

Janim,

 

I'm in the same situation as you...only further down the time line - 2 months since the break up. Also I am in the position of your bf. As the person who got dumped I can tell you that while I hate breaking up, I can't blame my ex for feeling the way he did. Your reasons are valid ones. People change and sometimes that chnage cause people to move apart. Don't blame yourself for feeling the way you do.

 

Whatever decision you make, base it on what is best for you. You should always be the most important person in your life. Your bf might be a close second, but I know in my situation, I wouldn't want my ex to have stayed with me because he felt he had to - only if he wanted to because that was what was best for him. It wasn't. I hate it, but that's life.