I am going nuts over my breakup

[renaissancewoman101]

I know I have posted so many times on this website and I must be tiring you guys out. I am just so scared right now. I am not in the crying mood anymore. That was last week. I just keep reflecting on my relationship and how I threw it all away. I can understand why some people want to leave their relationship because a guy/girl treats them bad. With my relationship, my ex treated me like I was the queen. He always made time to listen to me, to understand me, to be there for me. He was always kind and gentle to me, always remembered holidays, bought me gifts, watched out for my well-being, etc. He was the type of boyfriend that every girl dreamed of. Most of my female friends thought he was the picture perfect ideal of a gentleman.

 

And I threw it all away by losing my feelings for him, and not trying to work things out. I guess I sabotage everything of mines, that is why I dont have many friends. He tried to get me to open up to him and to his friends, and to expand my circle of friends by getting to know people. I tried but I didnt feel comfortable doing that around him. Also, by the time Faire came around this year, I couldnt stand being around him. I cant understand why that happened to me.

 

THere werent that many things bad about him. He liked a lot of childish things and didnt really enjoy or was comfortable around my adult tastes. He lived at home with parents that treated him like he was three years old. He didn't drive. He smoke and drank too much. But, he was a mellow drunk.

 

There wasnt that much wrong with him and yet my feelings for him vanished. I wish I wasnt so stuck on my friend (the gay guy) for that had a hand in doing my relationship in. I miss my ex so much. I constantly go over and over in my head what I did to destroy this whole thing. I ruined it and there is no way to take it back. He is NEVER coming back to me. I dont think writing his mom will help. I think everybody is avoiding me from his mom to his friends. I tried to IM one of his friends tonight and he didnt answer back. I am not an evil person. I really am not. I am hard to date because I have problems with my self-esteem and all that. But, I am loving and caring.

 

I am going to destroy my life over this. I cant think, cant concentrate, can eat well, cant sleep well. I am so haunted by the memories of this relationship

 

I feel so lost and so angry at myself.

 

Please give me some advice to help me get over this. If breakups are like this, I am not sure if I ever want to date again.

 

It is killing me not to call him or stop by his work to talk to him when he gets off of work, but I know it is not the right thing to do. I am giving him space, but it is killing me to do so.

 

This is one of the first normal long term relationships I have ever had in my life. My first one (with the gay guy) was not normal and he treated me like crap.

[melrich]

I am sorry I have not read your other posts. But you cannot control your feelings. You either want to be with someone or you don't. Sounds like you did the breaking up? If you want to be back together would he not be willing to give it another go?

[renaissancewoman101]

No, I didnt do the breaking up. He did the break up with me, but I led him to it. My feelings for him kind of changed in Feb., and I didnt know how to deal with that. I was also afraid to tell him since last year, around this same time, he broke up with me because he said his feelings had changed for me and he couldnt stand my attachment issues to my best friend. We patched things up that time within a week.

 

This time, my feelings changed and I still stuck with the relationship. But I pulled myself away from him and didnt spend a lot of time with him. I distanced myself from him and gave him a lot of space and time to spend with his friends. He tried hard to understand what I was going through and he tried to work things out with me, but I kept pulling away. I still dont understand why I did that. He chased hard, but then this summer, he gave up and broke up with me a month ago. It didnt really hit me until a week after he broke up with me. Now I regret everything and dont know how to deal. I have never had a normal long term relationship like this and it HURTS like hell right now.

 

It is taking me a lot of self control not to try to call him or go down to where he lives and wait for him to get off work and talk to him. He lives about two hours from me and he gets off work 2 hours after I do.

 

Help me! I feel like I am losing it.

[Southern_Belle]

I let my ex go because he said he lost his interest for me. (you can read my story in another post)

I thought if I let him go he would realize that he IS interested in me and come back to me. But it's not happening, and I really want to call him and beg him to come back. The only reason I don't do that is I'm afraid that he wouldn't listen to me. =(

 

I'm writing this just let you know that there's other people who's going through similar things as you. =)

[lady00]

Wait a minute. Just stop and think about this: your feelings changed and you pushed him away. I think that happened for a reason. Why do you blame yourself for your feelings changing....so you lost your feelings for him, it happens. Let him go. You were not that into him towards the end. Maybe you're suffering now from loneliness. Don't go after him just to be with someone. Don't settle. Wait until you meet someone new who you will have strong feelings for.

[acuraman]

Sometimes we do things without truly thinking about the outcomes of our actions. It seems to me that you still care about this person very much and you are very regretful for your actions that led him to break up with you. If you want to maybe salvage anything the two of you might have, you need to call him and talk things over.

 

You seemed to realize the hard way how good he was to you and how well he had treated you. I guess in a way, this situation opened your eyes that you do still have feeling for him, if you didn't, you wouldn't be constantly thinking about him and being remorseful about the break up.

 

Give him a call, you don't have anything to lose at this point.

[smallworld]

Renaissance, please take good care of yourself. Our minds and our bodies work so much better when we give them the nourishment and rest that they need.

 

Breakups are 'killer'. But the truth is the majority of the pain comes from how we think about the breakup. If you honestly believe you'll never find someone who will love you as well as this guy, then yes the breakup will be hell. But if you take it day by day, treat yourself well (by doing things that you normally find pleasurable), and you're honest with yourself about what went wrong in the relationship and why you kept distancing yourself from him when things were going well, you stand a much greater chance of being happier in the long run. Because the truth is no one person can make us feel happy or loved if we don't know even know how to make ourselves happy or love ourselves first.

 

Pursue love and it will find you. Dwell in fear and darkness abounds. Now is the time to really think about what it is you truly want. It might be this guy. It might be someone you've yet to meet. It might not even be a relationship. Whatever it is, start small. Start with anything that interests you and makes you happy. These are the things that will carry you through the dark times, fulfill you, and ultimately lead you to forming relationships with others of similar minds and hearts. Let this be your "renaissance."

[renaissancewoman101]

Acuraman, I am not sure what can be talked over. He is adamant about not having a relationship with me, because now he says his feelings for me have dried up. Partially, that had to do with how I treated him after my feelings changed. I ignored him and pretty much shut him out of my life. I was scared and confused about how I could love someone at one time and then, all of a sudden, my feelings would change and dry up.

 

I tried to talk to him about two weeks ago on a Sat when I went to a Ren Faire he was working at. He literally avoided me and when he did have a conversation with me, he would not look me in the eye, and he kept looking at other women and making comments about them. He did tell me that he wanted A LOT of space and time away from me, since he wanted to get his life together and he didnt know what to do with me or our relationship. He also said he didnt think there was anything to be salvaged.

 

The only thing that keeps him tied to me is that he still owes me about $1500 that I lent him to pay off some of his bills (I really dont care about the money at this point in time), and he still has my cell phone which he shares a plan with me, and I pay for it. He is good about the cell phone. He rarely uses my day minutes, only using the night and weekend minutes that are free.

 

I suspect that he may have found another woman to date. Reason I say that is because I have searched the phone records for his phone (technically it is my phone since I pay the bill and I bought the phone for him).

 

So, should I still try to talk to him soon, or should I wait for some time to pass before contacting him.

 

I am so scared.

 

This is the first normal, long-term relationship that I have ever had. My first relationship lasted 7 years but it wasnt normal at all, since at the end of the 7 years my guy came out and told me he was gay.

 

I need advice on how to keep sane. I feel like I am falling off the deep end

[renaissancewoman101]

Smallworld, this also came at bad time in my life. Right now, a lot of things in my life are changing. My best friend (the gay guy), he is moving away to CA to pursue the job of a lifetime. The last time my ex broke up with me, I leaned on my best friend for comfort and support and he gave it to me. He now doesnt have time to deal with me. I have no friends left out here. I may be out of a job by next year since our company is going through a reorganization.

 

I think the reason behind why my feelings changed for my ex was because this year has been an extremely hard year for me. I went though a lot of pain and suffering and I didnt let my ex into it, even though he wanted to be a part of it. I lost my grandma in April, I have been having a lot of problems with my parents, I lost some pets that were very special to me, and I also had an abortion the day after my birthday. The abortion was so weird to me. My ex supported me in my choice and was there for me. He even told me that if I wanted to keep the baby, he would have supported me in that decision. I didnt want to keep it because I was so confused about my feelings for him at that time.

 

Sometimes, I think the abortion poisoned a lot of my feelings and emotions for him and maybe even led to relationship demise. I dont know anymore. There are times I wish I had kept the baby, even though I wasnt sure if I was financially and emotionally ready for one. Having a baby might have brought us closer together.

 

I dont know.

 

I need to take care of myself. I am not sure if I can.

[smallworld]

Renaissancewoman, I'm sorry to hear that you've had a really rough year. It's no wonder you feel like you've fallen off the deep end. I understand your friend is moving and extremely busy, but right now you don't have the luxury of pretending that everything is ok. I'm sure if he knew how badly you were hurting, he'd want you to lean on him. Why not call him and offer to help him pack while you have a heart to heart?

 

As for your relationship, you've experienced a lot of loss this year and it's no wonder you pulled away from your Ex to keep from being vulnerable to being hurt even more. The problem is as self-protective as pulling away seemed at the time, it severely damaged the trust between you. It sounds to me like your Ex was honest with you about needing time away from the relationship and that he might very well in the end, not want to continue. Like others have mentioned, you need to decide if you really want him back or if you're just going through the withdrawal symptoms of breaking up. If you do want him back, I'd try writing him a letter explaining what has been going through your mind this past year, acknowledge why you behaved as you did, and apologize for the hurt you may have caused him. Ultimately the ball is in his court, but at least if you express genuine remorse, you might just have a chance at rebuilding the trust between you and starting anew.

 

In the meanwhile please take care of yourself (And yes you can do it! You're doing it right now by seeking help here.) and if you need someone to talk to, please feel free to PM me. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

[renaissancewoman101]

It is hard to be able to lean on my best friend. He is in the middle of a move that is going to affect his life and his own personal love relationship permanently. My best friend has a bf who does not allow me to see my best friend all that much. There is so much turmoil going on there too. My best friend is moving to CA, his bf isnt and my friend is afraid of leaving w/o him. I have talked to him on and off, but he is too preoccupied to give me much advice.

 

As for my ex, part of our relationship demise, was my fault. I had suddenly lost a lot of my feelings for him in Feb. It just all happened. Before, I was so in love with him and wanting to spend all that time with him, but that day at dinner, I looked at him and all of a sudden, my feelings for him seem to die.

 

I think that was a big part of why I pulled away from him. I was scared at the loss of my feelings. I was scared about the loss of the other things in my life. My ex wanted to be there for me and wanted me to trust in him and open up to him. I tried, but it was so hard. I had opened up to him the year before but last year, around this time, he broke up with me for a week because he wasnt sure about his feelings for me. That shook me to the core of my inner being. Even though he got back together with me, it was very hard for me to trust him after that.

 

I do want him back. I do love him and I miss him terribly. Not a day goes by that I dont think about him. I let him keep the cell phone so that he could have a tie to me. He has always treated me very well, like a queen. He has never cheated on me. I just couldnt stand his childish way, his love of toys, and video games. I could not understand that and participate in that as much as he wanted me to. I also could not handle him living at home with an overprotective, bossy mother who treated him like he was three years old and who expected ME to keep him in line.

 

After reading a lot of posts on this site, I realize my ex was actually a very good catch, since he was very devoted to me, and he spoiled me, and was always there for me. I miss him a lot. I may end up writing him a letter expressing remorse for what I have done and asking for a second chance. Not sure if that is going to help. I have talked to him one other time asking him for a second chance. That is when he told me he needed a lot of time and space from me.

 

I am trying to take care of myself. Besides hanging around here, I also belong to a guinea pig website, populated by people who love guinea pigs. One of the ladies on the site is organizing a rescue event on Sat for some guinea pigs that were rescued from a breeder. I volunteered to drive three hours there both Sat and Sun to help them out since they need all the help they can, and I want to make new friends as well as get out of the house.