growth or harm?

[jiquan]

i have recently been involved living a full of life and enjoy challenging the boundaries. at 28 i feel im having my second rebellion against conforming with society and my own brainwashed conceptions that Western Culture is the only culture we are indebted to and must believe in. after abstaining from alcohol and drugs for more than a year i recently returned to the social explosion that is alcohol and drugs (which i enjoyed in the past - but got bored with). living in a foreign country i have the beauty of almost no social responsibility (i.e. family, close knit workplace, etc) which has allowed me to challenge my traditions and morals and try to understand the culture of the place im living. in this process i have involved myself with two individuals who i have been refreshingly connecting with - there's an intellectural attraction, physical attraction but they are both married men (i am single). it's quite a commonplace thing in this country for married men to have girlfriends and i seem to have become one of these girlfriends... (which in most western cultures is just WRONG). i am enjoyed being able to be intimate with people i can connect with on very spiritual levels without actually 'falling in love'. these two men are in the same circle of friends. i don't think they know i am intimate with them both.

 

is it only right to let them know i have had intimate moments with them both? or is it ok to keep that private seeing as they are actually 'married' and having multiple partners themselves?

i can't imagine these relations will go on for too long and the 'excitement' and spritual intimacy can only go so far without obsession or love.... is it worth saying anything or just riding it out?

[robowarrior]

I don't want to sound disrespectfull, but i question your sanity. I don't know what all the drugs and alcohol have led you to believe but, the Western culture doesn't force you to believe in it. As a matter of fact everybody knows the western culture isn't perfect, however in terms of womans rights, compared to countries where you can buy a woman for a few camels, the west is by far the best culture that is around. I've been to quite some few countries and the western culture is the only one that treats woman above a dog standards. Hence the country what you are in now allows men to be married and have different gf's next to it. You won't find any muslim country that allows same sex marriage, you won't find any communistic country where you are more then a mere puppet that dances as the government dictates. Even in a decent civilized country like Japan, woman are still dogs compared to men. In muslim countries woman are suppressed and have to wear scarves, woman are trash there. In africa i wonder if a woman has any value at all.

 

Honestly with all respect, i would trash the alcohol and drugs, get into rehab, get a correct view on life, and get a school diploma, challenge your culture if you have to, but you will only come to the same conclusions as stated above.

 

I personally believe that you can do a lot more meaningfull things with your life, like loving and helping people. However everyone has free will to do what they want. If you have to learn thru this way that its important to be nr.1 instead of being nr.10 of his wives be my guest and lead this life, as i personally strongly condemn it.

[kittysaysmeow]

To answer your question and not getting into a thread about Western vs other cultures, I think that since you are having intercourse with two people then you might want to let them know about it. The thing is that if you're that sexually "free" with both of them then the risk of STDs rises and they deserve to know what they're getting into.

 

And since they have multiple partners I would also suggest always using protection.

[rocio]

Okay, no offense, and this is just my opinion (which, I can guarantee, isn't worth much...) but to me, you just proved her soooo right. You sound totally brainwashed. You seem to think that the Western culture is unquestionably superior to other cultures. There is no "correct view on life", and a college diploma is only one of many viable options for having a successful and fulfilling life.

 

To the OP: no, I don't think you owe it to these men to inform them of your other sexual encounters. But are you lying to them? It's one thing to omit information, and it's something else to actually go out of your way to deceive. It's a thin boundary that you might want to be careful not to cross.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Well, what are your morals? if you believe it is fine to have two affairs at the same time with married men, thats fine- but why would you be posting on here if you didn't question it a little bit?

 

I appreciate that Western culture is very much geared towards Monogamy and A Degree as The Ideal, and I can see how that wouldn't fit everyone - all people are different.

 

I can't help but think that if you were totally alright with this current arrangement, you wouldn't be posting here?

 

It can feel liberating to forsake responsibility, drink heavily and sleep around - I know, I've done it! However, I'm now, by choice, in a longterm relationship and mostly teetotal - because, to me at least, it feels healthier and more secure.

 

Then again, I had to go through a rebellious phase to get to where I am today. All I'd say is, think of the consequences and keep safe.

[Juliana]

Yeah, I think if we're going to talk about brainwashing....

 

There are things that just are unhealthy. Drugs and alcohol mess with your mind and body; that's not a cultural thing. If you're healthy enough to use in moderation, fine; but some drugs are just not safe, period.

 

As to sleeping with two guys simultaneously, the only reason to tell them would be to protect their health, or to protect their hearts. The one would appear to be an issue, the other not. Again, this is unusual, because normally, people want more than an intellectual relationship with their lovers. It's just a human thing. I didn't have to leave North America to start sleeping with multiple partners without commitment, but whatever. Tell them if you want to, but insist on condoms and don't trust anything they say. Just as you have no responsibility to the culture you're in, neither do these men have any to you; you're kidding yourself if you think you can trust people who have no commitment to you.

 

I don't know what country you're in, but it sounds to me like the same bs my first boyfriends sold me to get me to do whatever they wanted. You want to come back and tell me I'm "westernized," fine. I think I'm a country of my own.

[caro33]

Yes I think "Western culture" is a tad more flexible as a concept than you are suggesting jiquan. It has its problems, for sure, but accross the different countries that have it (the "Western" ceases to mean much at that stage) there is also significant variation. Or there was, until we all got starbucks.

 

What do you even define as Western culture?

 

As a side note, the handful of people I knew in my past who did a Captain Kurtz and transcended the shackles of what they saw as socially approved behaviour, all ended up out-of-control, self-obsessed, self-hating depressed alcoholics. Actually they started off self-obsessed as well. Once the depression phase had passed they eventually embraced those self same standards they had rebelled against more than anyone around them. Became really happy buttoned down types. If you're going to pull the rebellion thing it's sometimes worth really being honest with yourself about what you are truly rebelling against.

 

Anyway, it would seem that you are using the culture argument as a way of justifying something which perhaps you think at heart is wrong. Or maybe you think you'll get slammed for the sleeping with married men aspect and you're getting the first justification in. You can think what you like and do what you like really - the western culture statements seem a bit incongruous given your actual question about what to tell people you are intimate with.

 

On your actual question, I agree that if there is sexual health at risk in any way - your's or someone else's - be honest.

[caro33]

As another point though, this culture you're in, the one that supports men having multiple women - does it also support women having multiple men?

 

I wonder how open minded and non-ego driven the men would actually be to know that you're with both of them. This might challenge them a tad if they even remotely consider you their own spiritual sex partner/piece of fluff.

 

If what we're actually talking about here is a male oriented, women-as-property culture as robowarrior has alluded to, then tread carefully in your admissions.