Second wife?

[Hope75]

I agree that since there is not much you can do with the situation and that no matter what a nut she acts like, she will be in his life since they have a child together.... it's a waste of your energy to be so upset with her. If you are stressed and angry with her all the time she gets what she wants, right?

 

Think about a dog begging.... if he does it long enough, even though it's annoying, and he gets a treat... he'll try twice as long the next time!

 

If you ignore him and give no response... eventually he will go away (or if he's truly desperate...or like my dog, he may still beg! )

 

Anyway, don't stress yourself or reward her behaviour by reacting to it. That just fuels the fire, and it upsets you more.

 

As far as the restraining order, you may not live with your fiance now, but you will once you get married, so don't think the restraining order is a good idea. For now I assume that you do spend time there and she needs to be able to bring her son there.

[onyx jewel]

Hello,

 

You should think long and hard about your situation. If you say that this manis your soul mate then you must love him and his kid no matter if the mother is a individual with love self esteem that feels that she can't move on. It could be the time frame on all the events that occurred and remember she a female is very emotional for the first year after giving birth eventually she will get over him and the situation. The question is when? If she does not go out with other men and start her life over without involving your BF than who knows when she will actually come around and realize that this is a part of life.

 

Just a little advise if you stick this out never put a child in the middle of grown ups miscommunications, jealousy or misunderstandings... The child can sense it all and that make the father feel uncomfortable and you know what the mother will keep blaming you for her child not having a good relationship with the father becasue of you and you don't seem like that type of person. Good Luck with everything sweetie.

[miracle29]

Rayanna (just another piece of advice) ...

Be careful what you say on email about "wanting her to disappear" because you never know what would happen if she actually disappeared and next thing you know..you're framed or blamed for something that you simply said. She seems like that spiteful type who could use your every word against you. So even if you want her to disappear...make sure you don't speak this to anyone and tell everyone. Because she could say you are threatening her. I know this sounds petty but so does she. So be careful what you say.

 

just another tid bit.

 

As a Paralegal who works in a Divorce/Child Custody setting..i can assure you people have gone down for even less said than that! All of a sudden family and so called friends come out of the blue and say "yeah, i remember Rayanna used to always say she wanted her to die, or disappear". I think you get the drift.

[Rayana]

Thanks for the advice miracle. I have never thretened her not verbally or by email nor do i intend on doing. She on the other hand has sent me email after email which i haved saved under a folder in my inbox.

 

She actually called up my BF a few days ago to tell him that their son was asking about him. When my BF asked to see him she made an excuse. She then said that she is leaving the country for good! Excellent news althoguh im sure it will never materialize.

[Hope75]

What sort of things is she saying to you in these emails? Does she send similar ones to your bf?

 

Maybe you could take these to a lawyer and get a competency hearing, see if your bf could get custody of their son.

[Rayana]

What sort of things is she saying to you in these emails? Does she send similar ones to your bf?

 

Maybe you could take these to a lawyer and get a competency hearing, see if your bf could get custody of their son.

 

Her emails varies from sob stories to threats, depending on her mood. I would say 75% are threats and 25% sob stories which. I dont know why she is such an attention seeker.

 

My BF doesnt want custody of his son. Its in the boys best intrest to be with his mother. All he wants is visitation rights.

[Rayana]

Here are two examples of emails she sent me two years ago, these are two of the first, one sob story the other threat:

 

Sob story:

 

I have thought long and hard over the past few months since the birth of my son and my divorce about what I would like to say to you. Although, I certainly wouldn't want to cause the type of damage that you have caused to my son and I. I hope you realise that you are responsible for breaking up my family and for causing me more pain than I thought was possible. You knew that T was married and that I was pregnant and still you persued him, talking to him on the phone and meeting him in car parks with absolutely no regard to the other people involved.

 

I know that you are a young girl and perhaps you thought that what you were doing was right and somehow, acceptable behaviour. Sadly, it wasn't. My son will grow up without his father and I have lost my husband. I do hope that you will think carefully before you start another sexual relationship with a married man.

 

Threat:

 

I want my husband back, you **** I dont believe that you didnt know he was married for a second. You knew everything and still continued with the affair. How can you live with yourself? Im going to expose you to the entire town. Im going to write a letter to the papers telling them about what you have done to me and my son. Dont even thin of crossing my path, or i swear i will kill you with my bare hands, you witch!! ...

[peanut15]

Hope and DN you re both absolutly right. I appreciate your comments. Its just sometimes i get sick and tired for being held solely responible for what happened. I think peanut15 is being too judgemental, and out of line.

 

I am not being out of line! I was cheated on by my husband with someone like you and she DID threaten me! I dont' appreciate you trying to be the martyr because you are NOT! What's important is that the child be taken care of and honestly, you are NO FIT to be his mother ever!

 

You better be careful with your words. YOU have NO right to threaten his ex!

[Hope75]

So Rayana,

 

What exactly is the story about how you met your bf?

 

How did that play out? How old was the baby when this all came about?

[DN]

Hello everyone. My name is Rayana and im 23 years old. Three years ago i met a man who i fell madly in love with. We got along great. He is truly my soul mate. Yest after a few weeks of knowing him it came to light that he was married and his wife 7 1/2 months pregnant. I dumped him and I cried non stop for weeks. He begged me not to and said that he wanted a divorce and she got preganat to keep him (the usual story).

 

After the baby was born he divorced her, and turned up on my doorstep with the divorce papers and a huge smile. I truly, deeply love this man, and after endless hours of conversation and understanding , forgave him and we starting dating properly. We had so much fun and are very much in love to this day.

 

I have no doubt that Rayana is telling the truth and cannot see why anything she did is out of line. She dumped the guy when she found out he was married and only took him back after he was divorced. What was wrong with her actions?

[Rayana]

[quote="peanut15I am not being out of line! I was cheated on by my husband with someone like you and she DID threaten me! I dont' appreciate you trying to be the martyr because you are NOT! What's important is that the child be taken care of and honestly, you are NO FIT to be his mother ever!

 

You better be careful with your words. YOU have NO right to threaten his ex!

 

I never threatened that woman, she threatened me!!! Why cant you undertsnad this? I dont WANT to be the childs mother. I feel like im repeating myself a hundred times with you. Please stop replying to this post you replys offend me.

[Rayana]

So Rayana,

 

What exactly is the story about how you met your bf?

 

How did that play out? How old was the baby when this all came about?

 

I met him in 'leaders in the arab world' confrence three years ago. We got along great and started a relationship. 6 weeks later i found out he was married and his wife 7 1/2 months pregs. So i left him and took him back when he divorced her, the baby was 1 month old when the divorce was finalized (divorce is very quick in the Islam and you cannot divorce a pregnant woman). I mentioned all this before.

 

She insists that i never left him when i found out that he was married and stayed with him despite knowing all this, which is no where near the truth. Its no use trying to explain anything to her, shes to busy putting the blame on me to even try and understand what she did wrong to make her then husband so desperate to get out of that marriage.

[Rayana]

[quote name="DN

I have no doubt that Rayana is telling the truth and cannot see why anything she did is out of line. She dumped the guy when she found out he was married and only took him back after he was divorced. What was wrong with her actions?[/quote]

 

Thank you DN!

[miracle29]

Peanut, u r taking ur anger out on Rayanna as if she is the woman who played a role in hurting u . Rayanna is a different person, and I think you r out of line and going about things the wrong way. Your responses are unhealthy for you and they aren't helping you. Keep in mind that these are two entirely different females and you keep attacking her as if she is the one who caused u pain. Thats not fair and that isnt helping you or her.

[Hope75]

I have to agree that after that reminder by DN of how they started and Rayanna's actions as soon as she found out he was married, that she acted with respect and dignity and did nothing wrong.

 

I think Peanut you are obviously hurting and for that I am sorry, but in this case (as with some others) I think Rayana was as much a victim in this as you were with your husband when he cheated on you. She did not know he was married and when she did she left him. Only did she take him back when he divorced his wife.

 

It seems the person you should be angry at is your husband, he is the one who had a moral obligation to your marriage and commitment.

[miracle29]

Hope, that is exactly what I was trying to say. Very well said.

[Rayana]

Peanut i understand you re hurting, and i really hope you work things out.

 

I took him back after he divorced because i love him. That is the only reason. I never wanted to end up in this complicated situation but i did. And i will make the best of this situation simly because i love him.

 

If his ex wife is still hurting two years after the divorce, theres little i can or want to do. She has to sort out her own issues. She is not entirely blameless. I do sympathise with her, but its come to the point when im just sick and tired of fighting and harboring negative energy with her.

 

Im sure with more time she will eventually start dating and move on, she just a little too slow for me...

[Rayana]

Update:

 

I left him, i cant take his bagage. I love him but i love me more, and that woman and child are driving me mad. If i have him i have to put up with his son for the rest of my life and worse than that his ex wife. I cannot do it.

 

I am biting my tongue and not listening to the pain my heart feels.

 

Its over, if he needs to blame someone for our break up, he can blame his baggage.

[lovecrazy]

Keep us updated on what is going on!

[Hope75]

Hey Rayana!

 

Girl, I'm sorry that things didn't work out. I can't imagine how difficult it was to deal with his ex wife, and knowing that it was a lifetime thing since they have a son, you were smart to leave now if you know can't handle it.

 

Their son deserves parents and step parents that can look out for his best interests, and if his mother made that too difficult for you, you are doing him and yourself a favor.

 

Did something happen that caused it all to blow up in your face?

[Rayana]

Lately we seem to disagree over everyhting. His ex wife knows exactly what to do to push my buttons! And he is starting to stick up for her. I cant imagine spending my life lving in the shadow of another woman. It obvious he cant see how affected i was by the whole thing, and he never took my feelings to account.

 

I wish him the best, but i cannot do it anymore, its too painful.

[Silver Glow]

Be strong. You are SO deserving of your own love and if you don't take care of yourself.. well. It's obvious he isn't looking at things from YOUR perspective either and trying to help the entire situation out.

 

I had to leave someone once.. and trust me. You will make it through this. You are worth every second of it, and you WILL find happiness!

 

Good luck.

[Rayana]

Be strong. You are SO deserving of your own love and if you don't take care of yourself.. well. It's obvious he isn't looking at things from YOUR perspective either and trying to help the entire situation out.

 

I had to leave someone once.. and trust me. You will make it through this. You are worth every second of it, and you WILL find happiness!

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you for your inspirational words!

I wish you all the best as well.

[Hope75]

It's definitely a tough situation for all involved.

 

You were right to leave when you realized that you would not be happy and that it wasn't a healthy relationship anymore.

 

You are a kind and loving woman, I have no doubt that you will find a great love with time, that will bring you everything you deserve.

 

Be thankful that you didn't go through with marrying him before you realized it wasn't going to work out.

[nina45]

Dear Rayana

I am 45,and live in Egypt. You will not like my answer although I truly care. I have married my soulmate almost 8 years ago, we have a seven year old boy. one and a half years ago, I found out my husband has a second wife. He had married her 2 months earlier after an affair. She is a widow with 2 children. I hated her with all my heart and now feel only contempt. We still are married, because I don't want my son to lose his family. Sound familiar?

Listen child, when we love someone we become blind. we don't see the defects in our loved ones, even if they are to blame. I blamed the other woman more than my husband , even though he is just as guilty maybe even more. With all due respect, I do not trust your boyfriend for reasons you yourself have written

1- he married because his wife alleged she was pregnant. That means he had sex with her out of wedlock. What kind of character takes a girl's virginity in a MUslim State?

2- She did not turn out to be pregnant, so why did he not leave her then before a child came along? If she was really that impossible?

3- they now have a baby. Excuse me, but a woman does not become pregnant on her own. He must have had enough interest in her to continue a sexual relationship

4-Now that the baby is there, he feels trapped and not up to the responsibility so he wants out, but feels like a jerk, so occasionally sees his son. A man who leaves his 1st wife when she gets a baby can do exactly the same with the second.

5- How can you trust someone who started a relationship with you without telling you he was married? With all due respect your boyfriend is not honest, he is a liar and a coward. By hiding the truth he lied and by not wanting to tell you he proved himself a coward. Are you sure he divorced his first wife? If so why does she bother you. He may still be married to her , and he may- don't be shocked- be lying to her too, telling her that he was forced to marry you for whatever reason. My husband keeps telling me his other wife is " just a phase" . Do you think he is telling her that? He will be telling her that he " has to stay with me for the sake of our son".

Rayana, I know what i said hurts, but look into the mirror. Don't you think you desrve better than this? This man has a child. If this child's family is destroyed, the child will always be torn, always in turmaoil and will pull all of you into his problems. Your husband will always be someone elses father. Believe me, a man who does not value the concept of family with one woman, does not value it with another. If you have not married him yet, then please consider breaking off the relationship. If you have, God help you

Nina