Second wife?

[Rayana]

Hello everyone. My name is Rayana and im 23 years old. Three years ago i met a man who i fell madly in love with. We got along great. He is truly my soul mate. Yest after a few weeks of knowing him it came to light that he was married and his wife 7 1/2 months pregnant. I dumped him and I cried non stop for weeks. He begged me not to and said that he wanted a divorce and she got preganat to keep him (the usual story).

 

After the baby was born he divorced her, and turned up on my doorstep with the divorce papers and a huge smile. I truly, deeply love this man, and after endless hours of conversation and understanding , forgave him and we starting dating properly. We had so much fun and are very much in love to this day.

 

The problem? His ex wife. She went hysterical, after she was divorced and left with a new born baby. She found out about me and blamed me for everything. The harrasment began. Following me around town. Thretening to kill herself and the baby (not that i would have minded if she died), sending me threat emails, goingo my parent and calling me a homewrecker etc. I have accumalated so much hatred for this woman. If im ever in a position that im in my car and shes in front of me, i would probably run her over. I hate her so much, that i have took it out on the newborn baby. I hated him, even though he is innocent and blamed him for keeping my boyfriend and his partner in each others lives forever. I cringe whenever he goes to see his son, and when hes around her. It make me naseaus. Im not a bad person, but i cant help feeling like this.

 

We want to get married next year, but i dont see how this can happen when i feel like this, about his past and his relationship with his son.

 

Please help.

[Ariel]

This is not a problem which is ever going to go away. He already had a family, and that sort of baggage is permanent.

 

You'll have to decide whether you can cope with that and accept his son, and his ex-wife, and if you can't, get out now and walk away before it ends in more divorce papers, and maybe another child being brought up by one parent.

[RandomAdvisor]

I have to agree with Ariel. This is probably never going to stop. The woman is justifiably upset, but that anger that should be directed at her ex husband is instead being directed at you. You were right to break up with him, but you never should have gotten back together with him.

 

No one ever thinks their soul mate is an adulterer. Of course, there is a culture factor difference where you're at. Why did he marry this woman to begin with? Was it an arranged marrige? What went wrong with it?

[CATLOVER]

Yup sorry but the ex wife isnt going anywhere because fact is they have a child together.......there is actually no point wishing he didnt have a child cause he has and the child is innocent. I understand you know that already and I understand the feelings that can go along with the situation ..believe me I know. But doesnt matter how much you love this guy you need to decide whether you can accept how it is and still be happy.....because its not going anywhere. Your partner cant change the situation either.......so really ball is in your court..... Can you live with the situation or not.....better decide this before anything goes any further.

By the way I know you are feeling alot of hate for his Ex...but she is very very angry, she had his child and then got dumped which would HURT alot.......unfortunately as someone said above...it should be directed at him....but since she has to at least try and get along with him for her child it being sent your way. Maybe she even still believes if you didnt exist she would be with him...who knows....but All im saying is she is in great pain as well.

[Day_Walker]

You made the decision to be with this guy after what he put you through. At the time you knew what kind of situation you were getting into. Given his first wifes situation some kind of emotional behavior is going to be expected however her actions do seem extreme. If you still want to be with the guy then you are going to have to deal with it or not.

[jevonj77]

Wow!! red alert, red alert there!

 

What is happening here?...if he could do that to her...of course he is going to do that to you one day...or maybe it will be so easy for him to do it to you after a few years...once he has gotten tired of his life with you...do you know why he has divorced her? Is it just because he doesn't like her anymore?

 

If he was so nice to you because he started to hate his relationship and such...then it becomes easier for him to act as nice as possible in order to get you...this may not be an expression of his love.

 

You have to take the clues and go with your gut instinct...look...he treated like trash the people that he basically knew for a long time...I am sure that he has known them much longer than you....I don't see how he could do what he did and be all smiles with you...I would be on the look out and truthfully, would just move on...

[Rayana]

Thanks so much for eveyones advice. I guess to answer the most asked question, no he did not have an aranged mariage with her. He married her because she told him she was pregnant. We are from an islamic counrty, and children before mariage is unheard of. After a rushed wedding, two weeks after to be exact she got her period. We never found out the truth and she wont tell whether she pretended to be pregant because she wanted to marry him or the pregnancy test really did come up as positive. He never saw the test, he believed her when she said she was pregnant (stupidity on his behalf).

 

I think it was all an act to marry him. Things went down hill form there. He realsized he never loved her and married her because theire was supposed to be a baby on the way and he wanted to do the right thing. After a year of mariage, he had enough and wanted out. She begged and pleaded for another chance and he areeged. Bam ,she gets pregnant again as yet anther attempt to keep him. In the middle of this he met me and just coulnt take another minute with that manipulative woman. So he left. And we are very happy together. I have no regrets with him.

 

I know this might sound odd and naive on his part, but i believe this is what happedned and have had many people confirm the chain of events.

 

Beause of her conivingness it took him two years to bond with his son and has made him very bitter.

[Hope75]

If you want to marry this man, you are going to have to accept his ties to his ex wife because they have a son together. You are also going to have to change your attitude about his son.

 

This is a helpless baby who did not ask to be brought into this mess, and there is no way that you should be resenting him for the fact that his parents both need to be in his life. You really need to learn to deal with it and learn to accept him and treat him with kindness, you are going to be his step mother and it is not his fault that his parents got divorced.

 

Unfortunately if you want to be with this man he comes with the baggage of a nutty ex wife who is the mother of his son and the baby boy as well. If you aren't prepared to deal with it then no one would blame you for bowing out.

[peanut15]

(not that i would have minded if she died)

 

I'm sorry but I have a SERIOUS problem with your statement! The woman obviously hurts terribly because your fiance left her with a newborn. How would you feel if that were you? The same way probably.

[Rayana]

(not that i would have minded if she died)

 

I'm sorry but I have a SERIOUS problem with your statement! The woman obviously hurts terribly because your fiance left her with a newborn. How would you feel if that were you? The same way probably.

 

Of course you have a serious problem with this statement , what do you know. You havent been through what i have been through. You dont even know the whole story.

 

I really couldnt care less what she feels, she should not have taken out her hurt and anger towards me. She plotted and schemed enough to have that child now she has to deal with the consequences.

 

And for the record i dont take that statement back. I still wish she would curl up in a corner and die. She is a time consuming, useless, waste of space in both our lives.

[peanut15]

(not that i would have minded if she died)

 

I'm sorry but I have a SERIOUS problem with your statement! The woman obviously hurts terribly because your fiance left her with a newborn. How would you feel if that were you? The same way probably.

 

Of course you have a serious problem with this statement , what do you know. You havent been through what i have been through. You dont even know the whole story.

 

I really couldnt care less what she feels, she should not have taken out her hurt and anger towards me. She plotted and schemed enough to have that child now she has to deal with the consequences.

 

And for the record i dont take that statement back. I still wish she would curl up in a corner and die. She is a time consuming, useless, waste of space in both our lives.

 

Young lady you need to grow up and stop making death threats to her. What do I know? I know that women like you plague this earth by stealing men that are taken. Yeah, he should have known better but YOU on the otherhand should have walked away. YOU expect to be this baby's other mother...please. YOU have no morals!

 

I know what SHE is going through and I can see from your lack of maturity that YOU don't know what is right or wrong. A mature person does not wish death upon someone else and you my dear need to get a clue really fast!

[Rayana]

Yes i just read you thread about your husband having an affair, no wonder you are so upset. Im glad you can symathise with that witch. I never said anything about being that childs other mother. To be quite honest i have nothing to do with him and hope to keep it that way.

 

I have never made death threats to her personally. I can wish whatever i want in my head. You should reread my posts and you will realize that i did leave him when i found out he was married. And got back with him when he divorced. Her problems are not mine, if she is in pain, i am not.

 

Im sorry your husband cheated on you and you are in pain, but you have no right to take it out on me. You know nothing about the situation.

 

Currently, the ex wife is seeing someone else and is finding happiness again. Moving on can be a good thing (you should take that into account). If one partner in a marriage is not happy it can never work out!

[Hope75]

Girls, chill out OK??

 

I really couldnt care less what she feels, she should not have taken out her hurt and anger towards me. She plotted and schemed enough to have that child now she has to deal with the consequences.

 

And for the record i dont take that statement back. I still wish she would curl up in a corner and die. She is a time consuming, useless, waste of space in both our lives.

 

Rayana,

 

I know you don't like the way his ex is behaving, and maybe part of this is that she is a threat to you in some way (are you feeling good about your relationship with him? Is everything ok there?)

 

But honestly, even though you don't like her and she may be behaving badly, she is the mother of his child, and remember, you can say she plotted and schemed all she wanted to make this child, but it takes two to lie down in a bed and have sex and make a baby, and he could have used protection or not had sex with her if he thought things were going so badly that he might want to leave. They made this baby together, and if he didn't want the possiblility of being a father with her there were steps he could have taken to prevent that, and he should not be absolved on any responsibility simply because you chose his side over hers. Would you not agree?

 

The baby is here now, and this is not his fault. You want to be his wife, and that also includes being a step mother to this child. Think about how you would want to be treated by a step parent. It is not the baby's fault that his parents don't get along, and this is where you could step in and be a good role model to him. You don't even have to like his mother in order to do that, you can just keep your mouth shut about her in front of him and treat him like your son, which he will partially become if you marry his father.

 

What do you think?

[DN]

I agree with Hope. The baby has to be first in everyone's consideration at this point and all this hostility will sooner or later have a bad effect. Try to see past all the nonsense to the greater good.

[Rayana]

Hope and DN you re both absolutly right. I appreciate your comments. Its just sometimes i get sick and tired for being held solely responible for what happened. I think peanut15 is being too judgemental, and out of line.

[DN]

The advantage with taking the high road in this sort of situation is that your conscience never comes back to bite you and you know that if anything does go wrong in the whole scenario you did your best to avoid or lessen the problems.

[miracle29]

Peanut, you and i agree to some extent on women who stay with men they know are taken and then BLAME the woman for their unhappiness..I also agree to some extent that Rayanna may be saying things that sound quite harsh, especially since the woman she wishes death on has a newborn,and harmones all out of whack. This makes me just as upset as you ...HOWEVER..

 

The difference in this story is that he did indeed divorce this lady. He really did it. I think with that being said, he may really have felt trapped by this baby and even though it takes two to tango we all know that there are women out there who do this to men all the time. Now his having an affair and Rayanna not knowing about it..is the ONLY reason I havent ripped this post to shreds. I feel that Rayanna did the right thing by leaving him as soon as she found out about the "other" woman, but he TRACKED her down. I just wanted to help you cool your heels a bit....because I know from your past post..how close to home this subject hits and I simply wanted you to see the slight difference....

 

 

NOW AS FOR YOU RAYANNA,

 

I agree with the two posts that said "you took him back knowing his circumstances" and so I can't tell you much more then they already have . What I can say is please try to place yourself in her shoes. She loves him, she has his seed, and he left her with a NEW BORN for another woman. PLEASE don't let her antics cloud your mind. People break up all the time, but with a newborn, it is even more painful.

 

I am also concerned with what he'll do to you if things go sour. If he could leave her with a new born ...what would he do to you..

 

Just a thought.

[Hope75]

Hope and DN you re both absolutly right. I appreciate your comments. Its just sometimes i get sick and tired for being held solely responible for what happened. I think peanut15 is being too judgemental, and out of line.

 

Who is holding you solely responsible for what happened?

 

No one is saying that you have to like his ex. What we are saying (or at least me ) is that you are going to have to accept that he has a child with this woman, that they made the child together, and that he has a responsiblity to the baby, and if you marry him, so do you. And wouldn't you want to share that big part of his life as well?

 

Think if you had a child with someone else before you met your fiance. Think if the father of your child, with whom you'd split up with, was remarrying someone new. How would you want the baby to be treated by the new wife?

 

This baby will be your step son, and he will look to you for love and kindness. Know what else? he will love you and look up to you for guidance as well. What a wonderful thing!

 

Just try to be respectful that the ex is his mother, when you are with him, and don't talk trash about her in front of him. If she behaves badly, that's a reflection on her, but don't sink to her level and get vindictive because it only makes you look bad, and we know that you are better than that.

 

Try to remember that she is hurting, and she's alone with a newborn and her hormones are wacky. That doesn't make it right, but if you can imagine how much that hurts than maybe you can feel a little sorry for her and lose some of the anger.

 

That seems pretty fair, doesn't it?

[Rayana]

Thank you for all your posts. I just want to point out that this happened two years ago and she is no longer on her own with a newborn but a two year old. After two years of divorce she is still upset and angry and harassing me. If it were for a few months i could understand somewhat... but two years????

[miracle29]

OK I TWO YEARS...i really wish you could have included that in the first post because I think that would have saved you a multitude of reaming.

Now this is a totally diff story. Two years means she needs to let it go. Now i can see why you are very adgitated with this and you should be. I don't know what i can advise to you, but I do know that this is rediculous and she needs to get a grip. The child is old enough now to actually know a bit more and is getting caught in between this.

 

I have to think about this one for a few then I'll try to get back to this post and respond with better info...'

TWO YEARS!!! That changes things quite a bit.

[Rayana]

OK I TWO YEARS...i really wish you could have included that in the first post because I think that would have saved you a multitude of reaming.

Now this is a totally diff story. Two years means she needs to let it go. Now i can see why you are very adgitated with this and you should be. I don't know what i can advise to you, but I do know that this is rediculous and she needs to get a grip. The child is old enough now to actually know a bit more and is getting caught in between this.

 

I have to think about this one for a few then I'll try to get back to this post and respond with better info...'

TWO YEARS!!! That changes things quite a bit.

 

Sorry i thought i mentioned it. She constantly uses her son as a way to harass and blackmail my BF. She wont let him see his own son unless she is in the room. She even had the nerve to call him two months ago and ask him if theres still a chance they can get back together!!!! I have never met a woman who doesnt have an once of pride before.

 

Thanks, i look forward to your advice!

[Hope75]

Wow! Yes, this does change things a little bit, doesn't it?

 

Well some of my advice still applies, as in being the best stepparent you can towards your step son and trying to refrain from talking trash about her in front of their son.

 

Hmmm.... it's really awful when a bitter parent uses a child as leverage to try and get back at the other parent. Has your fiance sought legal counsel? He should try to get in touch with a family lawyer, and see if he can get some visitation rights without his ex present. Her interests should be in the best interests of her child, not herself.

 

Unfortunately I would not go the restraining order route because I assume you live with your fiance and that would give her ample reasons not to bring their son to see him.

 

But definitely have him talk to a family lawyer and see what can be worked out in terms of visitation, and even talk to him about the harassment and see what can be done.

 

Best of luck!

[Rayana]

Unfortunately I would not go the restraining order route because I assume you live with your fiance and that would give her ample reasons not to bring their son to see him.

 

!

 

No i do not live with him, she really has no excuse. Shes still upset for being dumped. I hate this owman with a passion and resent the $1000 a month he pays for child support which goes on the whores hair extensions instead. Then she comes crying for more money... stupid, fat assed, waste of space.

[miracle29]

MEOW...HISSSS

 

 

The real sad part about this is that she is getting what she wants. She wants you to be upset and unhappy and doubt yourself. If you turned it around on her and just simply did not care....she's eventually grow up (or so we hope right?) and move on to some one else. But since she knows that you feel this type of energy towards her...guess what? She wont stop until you can be the bigger person and simply ignore her antics. I'd even greet her with a smile, (trust me she'd hate it). I'd be nice to her as pie, so sweet it'd make her teeth hurt.

 

Since this has gone on longer than two years, and he left her already, I will tell you that I understand what you are going through, and I feel for you, but kindness sometimes is the only way to deal with a padantic psyco. Try that and see what happens.

[Rayana]

Ok, ill try it in the future. I hope it works. I just want her to dissappear!

 

Thanks for you advice