Pregnant again?

[notmyself24]

Hello everyone,

I am new here, but have been reading posts for quite sometime. Many of you give out wonderful, "objective" advice. Here goes- thanks in advance.

 

I have been with my b/f mike less than six months. A mont into our relationship we got pg. He is 26, lives in new jersey & I am 24 from NYC. We met on an online dating site.

 

Background- I was in a 4 year relationship with a bing drinker (alcoholic) who was 5 years older then me. He lied to me about his drinking & hid it well. I loved him through & through- my first love. He was there for me when I was diganosed with depression, he was a hard worker & good person despit his flaws. Nobody understood why I stayed w/him: I am young, atractive, intelligent- many men asked me out during that time, but I thought he was the one forever. We talked about having kids & he came inside me over 10 times in 4 years, I thought maybe I would get pregnant, by accident, it NECER happened.

I dated quite a few guys in the months after I broke up w/my ex. Then, I met mike.

 

Mike is great looking, sweet, creative, witty, all the things I love in a man. We had instant chemistry, but waited a few weeks until having sex. I know its stupid- I am educated- but, I usually dont use protection- I have been lcuky & clear of stds- Mike has had half the sexual partners as me. He was w/a irl 8 years from 16-24 & she left him b/c she wanted freedom (who could blame her), but he was devastated & really cannot trust any female. He fell in love w/a woman months before I met him & she also left him (she was separated from her husband of 6 years & went back).

 

Now it is me & mike, we fell in love, fast & hard & that is how we got pg...we both just let our inhibitions go. He never even thought of coming in a woman- there has to be a man here who can explain male phisiology & brains b/c this makes no sense- why me? He was w/a girl, madly inlove for 8 years & he chooses to inseminate me?!?

 

Well, I did not worry, but he did it twice, so I began to woory & he freaked, but I played it off-I never got pg before. I always wanted kids & my mother always tells me I will make a great mother.

 

A few weeks after all this I had strange symptoms- I thought it was my period, but I am irregular- 30-40 day cycles. After a little over 4 weeks I took a test- mike bought 2. Within seconds a second line showed up- positive. We took a second one a few hours later- positive again. I should have known, was in denial.

 

Here was the ultimatum -

1) Keep the baby, be happy, we love one another after all- but, live in a low life town, in a roach infested apartment, and never have money to go on vacations or have nice things.

 

2) Go full term & give baby up for adoption- the kicker- he doesn't want a kid, but says that he couldn't see me pg for 9 months then give the baby up b/c it was ours.

 

3) abortion. The worst, but most viable option. The second I knew I was preggie. I was secretly happy & in love- in a different way.

 

About 2 weeks later Mike took me to the clinic, I was 5 weeks pg. He later admitted that he tricked m into going & this would lead to a guilt trip that I have never seen any human being go through...to this day, he always says how much he loves me- but, i do not know if he is in love w/me (like he says a hundred times a day) or feels terribly guilt for coercing me into an abortion- sure he payed for it, but at the same time, he was too immature (not man enough) to handle it.

 

I did blame him & with him alot- called him unthinkable names 9i think he deserved at the moment). he started calling me verbally abusive (something I never heard before). We knew we were in a rut. how do 2 people so in love get over an abortion? Well, we stayed together through the storm & here we are. You would think we learned our lesson, but, yesterday i broke the news that I may be pg again b/c we have sex 3-4 times a day when we are together. Recently iy has been less b/c I do not spend the night w/him anymore.

 

Between work, school, distance, money, time- we are both stressed. Recently he asked me to marry him- he used to ask me before I got preggie, he is at it again. Thing is, I said yes, then backed out- which I am sure bruised his ego, I mean, we both still live at home, he doesn't want kids right now, we live in different states- it would be a disaster imo.

We still argue, but have learnedto resolve things.

 

I wish i could post emails he sent me. Anywyas, I am here about the possible second pregnancy- not about the past or our abortion- too much info!

 

I had my period last week. He hasn't come inside me since before I was pg. However, we have alot of sex- he goes deep (sorry too graphic) & he has lots of precum- he pulls out & I see it!

 

I know precum can get women pg, we have sex enough, there were some times we cut it close so it is very possible, but I have worried him & we are in jeopardy once again. I just started getting thesymptoms again-

 

cravings, frequent urination, very sleepy, dizzy, alot of clear discharge (no pain, little irritation), very tempermental, cry for no reason, and bloating that just won't go away and nauseas (I had the worst morning sickness before)- unless its some std, I don't know.

 

2 weeks ago mike had a cold & gave it to me. I was sick, but now I still

have all those other symptoms...I am willg to be a single mother- Mike said he would never make me have an abortion again, but I know he will drop out of school & blame me if i keep the baby. My prd. is due on the 14th or so. Its too early to take an hpt I think, so we decided to wait it out.

 

The irony about Mike is that he doesn't want kids , he does love me, doesn't want me to gove baby up for adoption. I gave him the option to go last time & he just stayed & later almost strayed. I love him dearly, but since i know him better, I know not to believe his lies- a baby will not ruin his life (or mine), it will change us- i think it will mature him alot.

 

There's just so much to contemplate- any advice would be greatly appreciated- thank you!

[annie24]

Hi - Welcome to eNotalone.

 

Well, we try to be objective, but I think it's hard to keep your own personal feelings from interfering with advice.

 

First and foremost, if you don't want to get pregnant, you should be using some method of birth control. Pill, condoms, etc... I would have thought after the first time, you two would have done things differently.

 

The irony about Mike is that he doesn't want kids , he does love me, doesn't want me to gove baby up for adoption. I gave him the option to go last time & he just stayed & later almost strayed. I love him dearly, but since i know him better, I know not to believe his lies- a baby will not ruin his life (or mine), it will change us- i think it will mature him alot.

 

But, here you are again, potentially pregnant. Here's the thing - with kids, you can't meet halfway. You either both want to have them or you don't. He sounds like he really really doesn't want a baby, so if you do decide to keep his child, you should be aware that he may not stay in the picture. Obviously, no a baby will not "ruin" his life, per se, but if that's not what he wants, it's hard to change his mindset.

 

What also bothers me is that you said he was verbally abusive towards you. That is bad. Not the way the man who adores you is supposed to treat you.

 

I think you really need to sit down with him and get on the same page. If you are pregnant, you two should decide together what you want to do. If you decide to keep it, and he doesn't want to be with you anymore, he'll still be financially responsible, but know that he may not be your bf anymore.

 

Good luck. Have a talk with him. And use birth control from now on!!!

[gracee]

girl, i dunno what this man od to you to still go on with him, u said that ur intelligent so i guess u need to be very objective this time. love urself and of course love the child! never mind mike if he can't manage being a father more than a sexual partner, yes! as i see it he is just a sexual partner to you and i hope that you can talked to him soon!

[notmyself24]

Thank you both for quick replies- damn, I had so many typos, lol.

 

I appreciate what both of you had to say so far...Let me add-

 

sexual partner- yes, but there is so much more there- he is going to school fulltime & working 2 jobs, plus an intership so we can live togetehr & get married. We laugh, talk, plan our future, go out- we are comitted- how is that only about sex-?

 

Also, he NEVER abused me in any way, shape or form- I had been accused of verbally abusing him b/c I was very angery after the ab.

[DaLostSoul]

hey, my ex-bfs and me also talked about our future but now i realized that what we have were just purely jokes, some men did talked about future just to earn trust and let their women do things they like, in your case if ur man is still a student and at the smae time doing 2 jobs, i think u should be blame here bec. obviously ur partner is not a responsible man for letting you to have an abortion but now ur pregnant again and still undecided for it, let the child live and let that man go on...there are men here i know that even though they are not prepared for the child still abortion is a nO NO and yet they manage to live happily now despite of the hardship, but ur man is not ready for it, isn't selfishness??? and for you, i would advice that you should have protection before engaging into sex, it seems that u are not responsible too, learn from this experience and i hope that you won't resort to abortion or adoption.

[annie24]

i hope that you won't resort to abortion or adoption.

 

I think adoption's a pretty good option. I'm sure that there are a lot of people who would love to adopt a healthy baby.

 

Ok - that clarifies the abuse. Sorry, I misread your first post.

 

Have either of you been tested for STDs? Even though he hasn't been with that many girls, you never know if any of his exes cheated on him, or if their former boyfriends cheated on them! There are a lot of bad STDs out there that have no symptoms until you find out that you are sterile and can no longer have children. You both should get tested ASAP!

[chai714]

I almost pulled my hair out while reading your post. Tell me if this makes any sense:

 

You don't want to get pregnant, but you continue to have unprotected sex.

 

If unprotected sex = high chance of becoming pregnant

and

protected sex = low chance of becoming pregnant

 

why would you choose to continue to have unprotected sex?

 

My guess is that you lack self-control and discipline. If you are afraid you can't remember to take a pill, use a condom. Please educate yourself as there are a number of other forms of birth control available. You say you're intelligent, so prove it by making better decisions.

[notmyself24]

Ok, first off, please do not attack my "intelligence" (IQ), please! If anything, attack my common sense or lack there of- also, many people here do not use protection & will not admit it, but i was honest enogh, that seems to be all you are all attacking.

 

Second, I was with bf. for 4 years, we never used protection, I never got preggie & my bf. never used protection w/his ex. 8 years, she never got preggie. Our relationship began simple enough. In fact, he didn't want sex right away, but I am very sexual. We just got along great & did some fun stuff together, but now money is tight, still we are together. I am thinking about moving onm but keeping in touch. He says if I let him go, he will be ready for the relationship again in 8 months- he will look me up. I told him I willnot hold my breath. He says he is not looking for another girl b/c he is in love with me. He does have self control compared to many guys- he wants marriage & committment- thats why he stayed w/a girl for 8 years, but she just wanted new experiences.

 

I was supposed to meet his mom & sister a few weeks ago, but my family interfered. My mom likes mike, but her husband & my brother see him as a threat, my brother knows of the ab & he knows I have cried alot & feel remorseful. He doesn't like mike right now even though they were getting along not too long ago when he came to my house. There are quite afew obstacles keeping us aprt. If he was w/me just for sex then I think he would have moved on, don't you?

[annie24]

You know, the main purpose of sex is to get pregnant - it's what the act was invented for! The fact that you didn't get pregnant with your previous bf, and he didn't get his previous gf pregnant doesn't really matter. If you have two healthy people in their 20s who are having sex every day, they will get pregnant sooner or later, plain and simple! So, you got pregnant, had an abortion, it took quite a toll on your relationship..... but, you kept having unprotected sex, and let it happen again!?! Did you think that ... I dunno.... since you already got pregnant recently, it wouldn't happen again for another 4 years? Atre you using protection now??? I would have thought you would have learned your lesson the first time.

 

Yes, clearly he has real feelings from you, not just a sex buddy... but, the important issue here is what to do with this potential pregnancy... What are you going to do?

[notmyself24]

It is saturday, we both have school until 3- I'm dropping my class today. We used to be together every weekend- fri night- mon. morning- now we only see each other once during the week & saturday (we rent a hotel room to relax & hold each other & other stuff, lol).

 

Last night we had tension b/c I feel I do more in the relationship. I have to sacrifice more- we both are laid back, low energy people- however, when it comes to relationships, I put in 110% so that's just me. He is puting in 75% of what he has into this- I am even overestimating.

 

He clearly loves me thats why he is working hard & it frustrates him that he has no time in money for all the effort he puts into school, work, internship, etc...

 

All I ask is that he calls me. This is the 3rd time since we met that his phone has been turned off. he can receive calls, but cannot call out. There are such things as pay phones & he can use the phones in both of his jobs so why can't he call just to say: "hey, babe I miss you" or "How's your day so far?" Instead of appologizing when I confront him, he just gets defensive- "So, I don't call you when I said I would & you think I'm cheating on you or trying to break up. Look, I just have no time I am running from one job, to school, to my second job & my cell has been turned off...nothing is going right, I have no time to take a S***t!"

 

Seriously, how much time does it take to pick up a phone to say what's up? I took this as a sign that we should take a break b/c recently, he said he feared that I was going to leave him (for obvious reasons). Thing is, I care about this guy & he is very attached to me. Whenever we fight, I can't ignore him- he will tex me sweet things or cry on the phone telling me how much he loves me.

 

Sometimes, I feel more like a mother than gf. There are times, I wish I kept the baby & got rid of him...but, I am only human & realize what's done is done. He is very affectionate & when we are together, both of us are just happy & on cloud 9- when we are apart, I feel a void- he always says that he's working hard so we can live together within a year. I miss waking up with him in the morning & just looking into his eyes. he doesn't like letting me go after we hang out b/c he's affraid he'll never see me again. I guess he has abandonment issues b/c of his past relationships- well, nobody's perfect. It scares me when he says: "your looking at your husband." Its like out of nowhere. Does he say it b/c that's what he thinks I want to hear? marriage is arbitrary to me. I would much rather live with someone & get along great than fell trapped in an unhappy marriage- I have expressed this to him. The reason I am not jumping for joy about him wanting to marry me was his reason- so he doesn't lose me. I am his security blanket...that's a terrible reason to marry someone & that just killed him when I said I will not marry him until he get's over his past (namely, 8 year ex).

 

Another thing that worries me is that he says he wants to give me a baby- he owes one to me, but I know he really, really does not like babies- he always has something negative to say about kids- so why are we together? There is something unexplainable there. If anyone saw us together in public, we seem like a happy, in love couple- all our issues stay b/t us, we work them out. However, I am drained beyond belief. I told him last night, I am going to be apathetic like he is sometimes & see how he feels. No matter what i do or say, he doesn't budge. All he says is that he & I must have another baby & that he loves me. Maybe I am complicated or his is too simple (for me).

[ReadyorNot]

Do any of you ever read a post and wonder where in the world is this going and what is the point of this post?

[avman]

Do any of you ever read a post and wonder where in the world is this going and what is the point of this post?

 

I think your comment is uncalled for.

[ReadyorNot]

Do any of you ever read a post and wonder where in the world is this going and what is the point of this post?

 

I think your comment is uncalled for.

 

Sorry, it wasnt uncalled for.. . I was simply wondering...

[annie24]

I think her writing down her feelings and the situation is helping her clear things up for herself. Sometimes, you just need to write down your situation, see it on black and white, to have a deeper understanding of what is going on, and the best way to deal.

[notmyself24]

Yea, I know many of you here may be against abortion & have no sympathy for me, but I am capable of handling my own errors- I'm onlu human- thats it.

 

I appreciate any constructive advice. I guess this was the wrong place for me, but I still enjoy some of your wisdom here. Take care.

[avman]

You might want to check into some counseling before making your decision. You've got a lot to consider and it sounds like there are a lot of sides to this story.

 

I guess my only advice to you is to do what you feel is right for you and the baby. You may not be able to count on this guy to do what is right, so you will have to assume you are going it alone.

[Weezy]

Wow, this same thing happened to me. The ab was my decision because I feared telling my mom, I was 19. But about a year after the ab I found out I was pregnant again. my bf hated me for getting the ab, said I was greedy and spineless. But I went thru with it this time, my mom tried to force me to get one but now we have a 4m old baby boy. The moment I saw him was the best experience of my life. I was ready for more kids, wanted 30(maybe it was the drugs talking) but I am also on birth control now, the ring is great.

 

I don't know if the relationship with my bf will last but I love being a mom. I'm preparing for the worse so I know my son will have a good life, I was 42 weeks along when I compleated my associates degree.

 

I can only say I was in your situtation and it sounds like I have it easy, I live at home with my baby and bf. But your life will do a 180 no matter how easy you have it after having a baby.

[notmyself24]

weezy-

 

Wow, thats inspiring & you are younger than me...I live at home too- rent free & am working on my college degree as well. I have had so much trauma as a child that I always thought I was prpared for anything. I was never called names (to my face) for having the ab- my bf & his buddies all thought it was for the best (except for a few). My mom was with me on any decision I chose- she's a great lady & I feel lucky about that.

 

The thing is, yes, I have all the pregnancy symptoms, however, bf never "came" onside me- I know it can still happen (considering the frequency we make love & how easy it was for "us to get pregnant, litterally in one shot).

 

I may have gave the impression we were just sexual partners, but that is far from the case. I just get insecure from time to time & he is even more scared b/c he's tryimg to get himself together as well & is scared I will find someone better. However, there is a lot of love & caring b/t us. I was just ranting & rambling in previous posts!

 

I realize that a baby is not a curse, but a b;essing & next time around I will be strong & take responsibility for my actions. I am only 24, but healthy & must take responsibility for my actions.

 

Avman- thanks for coming to my defense. I take responsiblity for being a scatter brain. I never put these thoughts down & I can understand that they may seem incoherent to some...yes, counseling is what I should have done- hind sight is always 20/20, you know..thanks again

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Any guy who drives you to a clinic when he knows that you don't really want an abortion and guilt-trips you into it is not doing you any favors. Believe me, that little trip was all about him, not you.

 

When you love someone, you want to take care of them, right? You want them to be happy, you support them in making decisions that are best for them, etc. You try to understand them and look at things from their point of view.

 

You do not coerce them into decisions that will change their life that they clearly are conflicted about, ESPECIALLY when it comes to abortion.

 

If you're pregnant: from your post's description of your circumstances, it seems that adoption is a good way to go. I don't think you're at peace with your abortion and I think that if you have another one, that feeling will be compounded and made even worse.

 

If you're not pregnant: birth control seems like a good idea.

 

Either way, three things

 

1. I'm noticing that you really seem to want to have a child. That's great, but it obviously is not a good time for you right now. Think about what it is that is making you want to have a baby so much. Babies aren't just cute and cuddly; they're work: serious work. I know you're aware of that, but sometimes it's hard to know that intellectually and also emotionally. One way to internalize that is to think about how life would change when baby makes three.

 

2. This guy sounds like bad news...I'm not sure this is someone that you want to go through life with. What would life be like with someone who so blatantly ignores what you want? If you're not pregnant at this time, you will want to get on birth control so as not to create a lifetime connection to this person before you know that you actually want that.

 

3. I forgot the third point, but it was good. LOL. I'll write more when I remember it.

 

Anyway, good luck.