Need advice on how to change....

[hward]

I'm new to the forum and hope that it will be a good place to get advice. My fiance and I just broke up due to the fact that I was having a relationship with another man over the phone and internet. I knew that what i was doing was wrong, yet I continued to talk to this person. What happened between him and I was purely emotional, nothing physical (which I know doesn't make this any better). I talked to this person because he was willing to show me attention and treated me nicely. I felt like my fiance didn't really care about me and when I would call I felt I was always bothering him. I'm not sure where my problem stems from, I have a good relationship with my parents and friends, I've done well in other aspects of my life also, however I have always felt self conscious and insecure. Recently I began seeing a counselor. Basically I would like any advice regarding my situation. I don't know what to do about my ex-fiance who wants nothing to do with me anymore, however I know that I want to make things better and be the person he deserves to have.

[Caldus]

I felt like my fiance didn't really care about me and when I would call I felt I was always bothering him

 

Did you ever talk to him about this seriously?

 

Seeing a counselor is an excellent start.

[hward]

I always brought that up, and when I did he would say that I was being stupid. He said that after being together for so long (about 7 and a half years) that I should just know that he loved me and wanted to be with me, and that I shouldn't have to ask him and he shouldn't have to say it.

[guapa]

he is not respecting you by saying you're being stupid and shouldn't put it entirely on you. a lot of times infidelity happens because there are problems in the relationship and those issues have to be confronted if there is going to be any resolution.

 

it's NOT just about you. just because someone is with someone for 20 years it doesn't mean that they feel loved. i just met a woman yesterday whose husband left her for another woman after 35 years of marriage!!! talk about PAIN.

[rionmccloud]

Yeah, actions speak louder tahn words but it's still nice to hear an I love you. I agree that him calling it dumb was wrong. My ex would bring it up, and despite not wanting to, I would concede that if she really wanted I would. I thought it was really dumb, but you have to at least try.

 

I was with my ex for that long, and I never let a day go by without letting her know I love her. Made that last day really difficult. heh heh

[acuraman]

Sometimes in a relationship, partners become complacent and take thier relationships for granted. They become so comfortable in a relationship that they forget to tell the other person how much they mean to them, that they love them, giving them flowers, ect and that they assume their partners will always be there for them.

 

When their partners start to feel neglected, they sometimes turn to others that can fulfill what their significant others can't.

 

I did that to my ex g/f, and the only way that I realized that I did it was when she broke up with me. It made me realize that I was complacent and that I forgot to be the man I was when I first started dating her.

 

Give your ex fiance some time to think things over. I'm not saying what you did was right or wrong, but I would consider that cheating. I wish you the best and hope you two make ammends.

[Shadows Light]

He is/was your finace. So, I am making the assumption you were planning to be married soon? Why would you marry someone you couldn't trust enough to talk to? Why would you marry someone who didn't make you feel as if you were the most wonderful, most precious person in the world to them? Why would you marry someone who...doesn't emotionally support you in the way you need to be supported and loved? Why would you lower your standards and marry someone who belittled your intelligence?

 

I'm not making an argument to get you off the hook for whatever you feel like you may have done. But...it seems to me that if feel you need to get emotional gratification or validation outside of your relationship. Then something is wrong with the relationship to begin with.

 

This situation has happened at a very oportune time. You haven't vested yourself into "marriage" yet. Lucky for you. What would your situation be like if you were locked into the commitment. Complicated.

 

 

Love builds. You build each other up. You don't tear down with cuts of name calling... "stupid" "dumb" "idiot"... although we all do pretty foolish things. If you have a problem and you go to your mate with the problem, they should try to hear you out and try to understand. Help you if they can. Give what they can to make it better. Love uplifts. To love someone is to want better for the other person. To care for them. When you place your hand in marriage in anothers... you are trusting them to care for your mind, body and spirit. If you need to hear "I LOVE YOU" more often... just because you need to hear it.. then he should learn to accomidate. If you need the hugs then you get hugs.

 

And we all feel insecure at times. I'm glad you've gone to counseling. They can offer you tools to help deal with your insecurities and maybe help clear your head to find direction.

 

I'd leave your fiance alone with his thoughts for the moment. And in the mean time think of what it is you want and need from a mate? That way when the time comes you have a clear voice to be able to articulate clearly to him what it is you NEED.

 

A good book to read is the "The Dance of Intimacy".. you can find it on Amazon. I don't recall the author. She also did "The dance of Anger"

 

By the way.. welcome to Enotalone. Make yourself a cup of tea, sit back and have a good read. Lots of great people here.