Stir Crazy

[Magamar]

Liambilson, I really feel for you. When I read your last post part of me was jealous that you had finally got closure. You knew where you stood and, however difficult, could try and get your life back on track without the ifs, buts and maybes which were always there with your ex.

 

Unfortunately I'm still at that stage. Still hoping that I can work things out with my ex. Still hoping that she'll get in touch. Still hoping!!!!

 

But then how would I feel if she suddenly does 'officially' end it. I suppose to a certain extent everything I've been going through and experiencing over the last three weeks/month goes out of the window. I've just been teaching myself how to live with that situation. If that situation then changes I suppose you are plummeted back to square one.

 

Liam, hang in there mate. You've got through this once you'll get through it again.

 

And while we can't take away any of the pain you are feeling right now you know that everyone who has posted in this thread is here for you.

[liambilson]

Hi

 

You need to get over me Liam, and move on. Time and space will help. Take care of yourself.

 

Jo

 

 

The above is what I got after 4 and a half years of a lovely relationship at times - punctuated by alcoholic blackouts on her part where I would have to carry her out of places in my arms and then clean her sick and whatever else during the night. She was beautiful, kind, generous, modest - we were lovely together. A 'thank u ' for the nice times would have been nice. Although I have closure it doesn't end the pain, the great pain. I will see her every week, I don't know how I am going to cope but I will , you all will. Magamar, thanks yet again - I am hoping things turn out better for you and FCTex and the others. Jo didn't know the pain I went through. I went back to her 8 times because she was completely distraught. I hope the saying 'what goes around comes around' really is true. Cheers guys

[ecg1228]

I just read this thread today and yes, I am one of the poor souls going through agonizing no contact right now.

 

Liam - I want to tell you how sorry I am. But HANG IN THERE. A few years ago...I was in despair, not eating, sleeping, going crazy because the love of my life at the time coldly and cruelly broke up with me. When I cried after finding out it was due to another girl, he said: "Stop it with the 'woe is me'." He completely cut off contact with me, leaving me confused, distraught and asking "why"? We had the most loving, intense relationship for 3 years - I was always there for him, we were best friends and he threw me out like an old newspaper. It took me 3 months but one day I got up, erased all his emails, threw out all the loving gifts, books, WHATEVER, he gave me into the dumpster. I was angry, but I felt so liberated. Maybe that was extreme but it helped me get closure. I was angry that that was how he could end something as special as we had, like I was nothing.

 

Months later, I was totally over him, happy with myself. TRUST ME, easier said than done, but each day it DOES get better. This is coming from someone who was suicidal at the time. To make it worse, I didn't have family nearby. 8 months later, he called one night out of the blue and I felt nothing...I wouldn't have believed it months before that I would be that indifferent. But he told me he was sorry, he was thinking about me a lot lately. He seemed to try to establish contact again but I had moved on.

 

I wasted 3 months over someone like that...this time around, after I get over the initial grieving period, I will not make that same mistake again. I will push myself to go to the gym, volunteer, go out with friends and not isolate myself.

 

Now not all of you guys will have a cold end - there are some genuine good people who treat each other with love and respect after a breakup...but I can give you the same message: it WILL get better. "All things must pass."

[Magamar]

Thanks ecg1228,

 

It's nice to hear from people who have been through this process and have come out far better on the other side.

 

Sometimes it does feel like my life will stay like this forever, but deep down I know it will get better.

 

It's just nice to hear someone say it every now and then.

[liambilson]

Thanks - those comments were comforting.

 

GOing round for the final time to the ex tomorrow for 15 mins to pick up my bike and a couple of things. Any advice on words to say or how to behave - no doubt I will just break down !

[ecg1228]

GOing round for the final time to the ex tomorrow for 15 mins to pick up my bike and a couple of things. Any advice on words to say or how to behave - no doubt I will just break down !

 

How did it go with that visit Liam??

[liambilson]

Well, it went ok I suppose - I hate anger and bitterness and at least we ended with a hug and are still going to communicate.

She gave me an e-mail listing all the negative things I had done since Jan - I was guilty for some of them but that is such a negative thing to do - there were so many lovely positives.

She seemed to make it pretty clear that her decision was final and non-negotiable

She also told me that when she had gone for alcool counselling 18 months ago she had really gone for relationship counselling but didn't even ask me to come !

She certainly packed every last item that I had round there into the bags though !

Funnily enough I went to a party last night with a lot of her fiend whhich was very difficult. I texted her in the middle of the night saying i was very stupid for hurting her but also telling her she was so so wrong. Also U hated people at the party trying to analyse our relationship.

Anyway, surprisingly she phoned back straight away and we chatted - not about us but about what people had said.

It's a shame there is guy in the picture now. SHe has just come out of a 4 year relationship and gone dtraight into another. What does that signify?

Thank you for your comments by the way.

The other thing is when we were both talking about NC she said it should be me who phones first so I will for 5 mins on Tuesday. IS THERE ANY HOPE ???

[liambilson]

My ex phoned me today for the third time in 3 days after nothing for 3 weeks. She starts off with a pretext that something I has done has upset her but then we talk for an hour quite calmly.

Whenever I mention her new guy she is very sparse with information. Why is she doing this?

Of course it gives me oxygen but it also gives me confusion.

When I mention a couple of girls are interested in me she tells me I shouldn't go near them.

God I love her still though. Anybody make any sense of this?

It was only 4 days ago that we had broken off all contact with eac other for ever.

[FCTex]

You just wanna pry.. You dont want to feel rejected.

 

We all wanna compare ourselves to our ex's new "friends"... To knock them down, and make ourselves feel better..

 

like.. I'm way better looking. I make tons more money.. Can you see how he dresses.. Look at his friends.. He smokes.. He drinks too much. He's ugly, and he's not going anywhere..

 

All that kinda crap. They dont wanna tell us, because it makes you wonder more. It keeps it mysterious. They might not also tell you because they dont want you to know that they settled for something because of their sitautions..

 

 

She also doesnt approve of anything because she still might deep down, not want to imagine you with anyone else.. Kinda of the mantra.. "If I can't have you, I dont want anyone else too eitheir"

 

It's really silly. Dont worry about it.

[liambilson]

So , what do I do - start going NC again - I am supposed to be phoning her on Tues.

Am thinking of telling her I have 'moved on' and am healed now, in fact that I have seen the light.

A girl she doesn't like has invited me out to dinner. Should I tell her that to prey on her insecurities?

[FCTex]

You don't have to call her you know..

 

Simply agreeing to call her, isn't a set in stone. You don't owe her anything..

 

I wouldnt call if you dont absolutely feel like it. I wouldnt personally. My ex said she'd call me the other night, she didnt ever call me back, and I haven't heard a word from her. Screw her.. I'm done with it.

 

She can move on too, and maybe someday in the future we can forge something new, but it's not going back..

 

As far as telling her your going to dinner with someone she doesn't like. Again, if you do make contact with her on tuesday, and she asks what your doing.. Say your going to dinner.. Don't tell who. If she asks, tell her then. It wont seem like your just trying to make her feel bad, or make some drama. I'd avoid doing so, it's just bitter all around.. It wont make you feel any better knowing she's groveling at the fact your out with someone she doesnt care for.

[Cant_let_go]

I posted for the first time today and I have only read a few threads so far but already I am feeling like there is some hope for me. I am still so so angry and wanting to confront him but what good will it do? He has made up his mind and will never change it. It is his way. I am devastated and feel like I have been thrown out with the garbage. I believe him when he says there is no one else but at the same time that really isnt a comfort. That just means he would rather be alone than with me. This is so hard and I feel so out of sorts. I dont know what to do from one minute to the next. I am literally stuck in this chair waiting to hear from him. I have only been NC since this morning and I TOLD him to to just go away and that i wouldnt bother him again. Why did I do that??? I want to take it back but I cant hear him tell me that I was right and we should just not talk anymore. He wanted to be friends with me and I told him NO! I hate myself for doing it because it wasnt what I was really feeling. I just wanted to hurt him. I dont really want to talk about anything that doesnt involve us trying to work things out but at the same time I miss him so much. He was my best friend and the only person I talked to everyday for 6 years. How can that be over? Now who will I talk to? I dont have any friends anymore.

[liambilson]

Can't Let Go - really sorry to hear about your sorrow. Yes, you feel friendless and lost and without all hope at the moment - the future is unwritten but the past is past and there is nothing you can do. Hope is still there - just concentrate on getting yourself sorted first - grieve in private but don't let him hear or see your grief. Hang on in there - who nows what will happen. Keep fighting and keep writing on the forum.

FCTex - you are absolutely right but I am sooo weak - last time I didn't phone she accused me of neglecting her !! That is what happens when one person has all the power. If only I could at least gain control a little I would feel better. At the moment she is just kicking a wounded animal. Thanks anyhow !

[ediefy]

I got dumped without warning (via email) 4+ months ago, and have been doing NC for nearly all of that time. Talked to the guy once 2 weeks after he dumped me (I called him, and he only talked about himself, never apologized, nothing like that). All I can tell you all is that it does get better, things do stop hurting so acutely. Now it is kind of a dull ache, a sad place somewhere in my heart, but not all of my heart. I still think about him a lot (too much). I know he's dating again, which hurts when I let myself think about it--I know that the reason he did it the way he did was because I mattered too much to him, and that was too scary for someone with the commitment issues he had. That made it harder for me to get over it (no closure, either, since we never got to talk things out), but I am moving on, seeing someone new, and getting on with my life.

 

So, it does get better, even though the ache is still there. But I can't even cry about it anymore. NC is the right thing to do. Gives you time to build up some scar tissue. I have been concerned about running into the guy, but that hasn't happened yet, and I'm hoping I'll be even farther down the road to recovery when it does happen (we live in the same small town). (And I also hope I look fabulous when it happens. I still want him to regret what he's done, and will probably always feel that way.)

 

Take heart. Life really does go on, and there are better, nicer people to fall in love with out there.

[Cant_let_go]

Thank you both for the words of encouragement. Deep down I know this is for the best but I just dont want to let go of my love for him. I tried so hard to please him and make him want me and he said that my ideas about what love is are unrealistic. After 4 long term relationships that ended this same way, I am beginning to believe him.

I just dont understand how he can just stay away from me. No real explanation just alot of "i'm sorry". I need more than that after all this time. I just want him to tell me that he didnt give me what I needed because of his own defect not mine. Right now, I just feel like a failure and so completely unloveable. I just want but I dont even know what I want right now. I dont want company, i dont want food or sleep. I just want to sit here and be sad and think about him. I know I am hurting myself and not him by doing this but I just keep hoping that I can WILL him to want me back. I am a grown, educated woman with a successful career and I feel helpless and confused. This hurt is all encompassing and there isnt room for anything else. I think I really need help.

[ediefy]

If you haven't gotten some help from a therapist or some other kind of counselor, do find someone to talk to. It really helps, and takes some of the load off your family and friends.

 

It sounds like you were the one who worked at the relationship. If there's any way you can let go of needing his approval, try. The most important thing in all of this is that you learn to be your own best friend. If this guy had been with one of your friends and had ended their relationship like this, what would your advice to your friend be? Give yourself that same consideration. You did nothing _wrong_--it may not have been a good fit, no matter what you did or didn't do.

 

I remember being so mad at myself a few years ago for not being what a certain guy wanted. Now I look back at that time and wonder what in God's name I was thinking! You sound like a good person, and I'm sure you have tons to offer someone as a partner--and you shouldn't have to behave in a certain way to get that connection and love with someone. He wasn't The One for you. That's okay, even though it feels terrible right now. Be gentle with yourself. And get some help, as soon as you can. It's a slow, painful process, but it is a process, and you will make progress, and eventually you'll feel a whole lot better.

 

Also, get yourself a copy of "The Girl's Guide to a BreakUp"--excellent book, funny, helpful, and something to keep nearby at all times until you feel better.

[liambilson]

I'm sorry everybody but I need help bigtime.

 

 

It's 2 months to the day now since my girlfriend left and I haven't moved on one iota. In fact I am getting much worse.

 

I am going to lose my job over this soon as I can't function at work in the slightest. Like everybody here I the pain is indescribable. I come home crumple up on the bed and cry. At night nightmares wake me up constantly. I'm 46 and feel lost and unloved and unwanted.

I am entering a downward spiral and although I have really, really tried to fight it I can't.

Can anybody here tell me what has been their experiences with anti-depressants - how do they make you fel and how long does it take for them to take effect?

Honestly I am really getting worried and frantic. I have friends but they are exhausted trying to help me.

Thank you please for any help.

[nataliejulie]

Can anybody here tell me what has been their experiences with anti-depressants - how do they make you fel and how long does it take for them to take effect?

Honestly I am really getting worried and frantic. I have friends but they are exhausted trying to help me.

Thank you please for any help.

 

 

I went to my doctor almost three months ago. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't concentrate, I wanted to die.

 

I didn't sleep for three days straight and I had a constant upset stomach, even vomitting for a week straight.

 

They prescribed me two medicines. Lexapro and Clonazepam. Clonazepam was to help me till Lexapro kicked in. Clonazepam is an anti-anxiety drug, but it's veeeeeeeeery strong. It took effect almost immediately. I had the best sleep! I slept a whole lot, actually. Makes you feel very, very relaxed. It saved my life, it really did. The Lexapro is an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant, which started to kick in two weeks after I started taking it and I'm still on it.

Both medications literally, are life savers. I don't know where I would have been today if I didn't get the help I needed.

 

Warning from the wise, though. Clonazepam makes your appetite very small. I lost nearly 15 pounds in two and a half months. Once I was off of it, I started a normal eating pattern, though.

[ediefy]

Not Myself is on the money with his advice.

 

Liam--get some help from a professional. If you can't afford to see a therapist, there are community mental health services that offer pretty good counseling services at little or no cost. In terms of anti-depressants, you would need to be evaluated by a psychiatrist or other prescribing doctor to get them anyway, so get yourself some help NOW.

 

The first two months after I got dumped, I cried a lot every day. Luckily, I work at home, so I didn't have to try to maintain my composure in an office. But I cried my eyes out, screamed at the universe, and generally was a wreck. I had to take Benadryl once or twice just to calm down and sleep (and I'm not recommending that as a regular thing, but it helped me on the few days when I just couldn't stop being upset and talking to my friends and family on the phone wasn't helping).

 

I went for long walks on the beach and cried for hours. I ate a ton of chocolate chip cookie dough and not much else (lost about 15 pounds, which wasn't a good thing for me, since I'm fairly thin to begin with). I cried when I mowed the lawn, I cried as I sat in my garden and weeded, I cried whenever I went out and was driving home by myself, feeling like I'd always be alone, no one would ever come into my life again who was as perfect for me as the ex, etc. (BTW, I'm nearly 51 years old, so it's not like I haven't been through breakups before in my life. I certainly didn't expect this one, though, and it hit me about as hard as anything can.) I didn't sleep much, and when I did, I didn't sleep well. I had trouble concentrating.

 

BUT

 

I got through it. I survived. I'm still here, and I've discovered that I really do feel for the first time in my life like there was nothing wrong with me--nothing I was, or did, or said that made him walk away the way he did. And, although I can still feel blue about it, and would still like to understand what happened (the mystery kills me sometimes), I am getting on with my life, dating a wonderful new guy who is very different from my ex in some ways and like him in others. The new guy is kinder, more invested in our relationship, better looking, more affectionate, and in some ways, a whole lot more fun than the ex ever was or will be. I still miss the ex like crazy sometimes, but less and less as time goes on.

 

I do think that cutting off all contact with your ex helps. As hard as it is to go cold turkey, seeing or talking to your ex is like giving a heroin addict just a little taste of heroin every now and then. Sure to keep you hooked, and lets them know that you value them far more than you value yourself--it keeps their options open, while you wait on the sidelines, hoping they'll come back. The only way they will come back is if you walk away completely. It makes no sense, I know, but that's how it works. And, they may still never come back, so walking away with the thought that they will still come back isn't really walking away. You have to save your own life now--it's the only thing you have control over.

 

As someone pointed out to me, if you were on a boat and a big whale came and capsized it, you wouldn't hang out waiting for the whale to come back and save you. You'd start swimming for your life, towards shore. That's what you need to do now, as best you can.

 

I wish you all the best, Liam. It is possible to do this, it really is. I'm living proof, every single day. I am sending my best wishes to you, and a big hug.

[liambilson]

Listen, both of you - you are very kind and I appreciate your help. It kind of sums up things really - NotMyself you were against the drugs (my view too, by the way!) and NatJulie thank you so much for your recommendations.

I have been on this site for weeks now and it has been very supportful. You NotMyself have taken a lot of time with your words. I agree with every one of them - I know what I should do- it's just that I can't get my mind to actually do it. There are little chinks of light very occasionally.

I went to a counsellor yesterday and it helped but once I close the door in my house and am alone I feel helpless and outside again I have tried going out to parties etc but I am just unable to function.

I am still being hithard by the news from my ex last week that she is seeing 'somebody'.

Now the emotion of jealousy has combined with all the others; loss, frustration, grief etc.

I am supposed to phone her tomorrow and don't know what to do. What to say to her, whether I should do it at all.

She has made it pretty clear that her mind is made up although to me she is emotionally confused a) because she hasn't broken off all contact and b) she seems to have jumped straight into a new relationship after 4 years.

She is an alcoholic and she won't admit it. Drinks rarely but has blackouts.

I want to help her - yes I know I should focus on me.

I am just trying to make it to holidays in 3 weeks then I will have a break.

I'm just glad I have this vehicle to express my emotions.

What I can't understand is she has put all the blame on me. "The basis of any relationship is trust and honesty" I wasn't blameless but was never remotely unfaithful. She on the other hand was a nightmare in the first two years but remembers and will accept blame for nothing.

Do you think I should try and persuade her to see a therapist with me? I know she thinks it will be a ruse for us to get back together but I know she needs space and time.

[liambilson]

ediefy;

 

just wanted to say how much I apreciate your words.

 

You are a source of great strength as are all the other people here.

 

I'm in a bit of a unique situation as I work in S Arabia and therapy services are thin on the ground.

 

However, I did speak to a lady counsellor last night who was very good but we both agreed that at the moment no words can stop you loving and missing somebody.

 

I am glad you have improved. One day my star will shine again like everybody here.

 

The hug was needed and gratefully received!

 

Still don't know what to about the phone call tomorrow though.

[Magamar]

Liam,

 

I've been reading your posts from the start and both yourself and everyone else on here have been a great source of strength.

 

I know from my own experience that there is nothing I can say to take away your pain. I'm an neither articulate enough to provide any words of comfort better than those already posted above.

 

The only thing I can say is that it will get better. Just cling onto that thought if nothing else. Don't let yourself get dragged into a spiral of decline. You're grieving but things will get better.

 

Hang in there bud. We're all here for you.

[liambilson]

Magamar,

 

Thanks - how are things with you now ? Hope there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

No matter how much I loved my girl I would give her up forever just to have this pain taken away - it's that bad !

 

Wish I could fast forward a few months right now to see how I will be.

 

I'm very, very choosy with who I go out with so I don't think there will be any new romance for quite some while. Suppose I am just feeling sorry for myself but boy does it hurt!

 

Anyway, to take my mind off things I think I'll write a script based on the last couple of months and sent it off to a few places. Wish me luck !

[DamagedGoods]

Liambilson,

 

I'm 38 and I can relate to your feeling like you should know better by now. I feel so stupid for feeling so totally wiped out by this. I read somewhere "I'd have a nervous breakdown but I've been through this too many times to be nervous." UHG!

 

How's your job situation? I know that it was rough at one point. If it's not really secure, I would make that your number one priority. Without the stability of a job and it's structure and it's demands, things can spiral out of control pretty quickly. Is there a way you can talk to your boss and just let him/her know what's going on? I think most people can relate to a really bad break-up. If things are as rocky as you think, your boss might be relieved to know why. Also, is there any kind of support group you can join where you are. Just like enotalone, being with people who are struggling can be extremely soothing.

 

I'm with nataliejulie on prescription medication. I think it can do wonders. There are several types of pain -- some kinds you need to go through to heal and some kinds that are just completely unhealthy and unhelpful in any way. When things are really, REALLY bad, medication can pull you through the latter. Also, there's something to be said for just taking the edge off. It's clear to me that your pain is intense and maybe doesn't have to be quite as bad as it is.

 

Anyway, sorry for rambling. I just wanted to offer something. The very best of luck to you. You WILL get through this no matter what - I just know it.

 

Take Care!!!

 

DamagedGoods

[Magamar]

Well Liam my situation doesn't get any better.

 

One minute she says all the right things, the next she does things that say she's not interested. I think I have finally come round to the thinking that she is messing me about (intentionally or unintentionally I'm not sure).

 

My problem is that I still long to hear fom her. Take the last two days, I've been following NC then tonite she sends me a text saying she is thinking about me!!!!!

 

I'm gonna be strong tonite though. I'm not gonna text her back like I normally do. I know I will get back to her but I've promised myself that it won't be before Thursday. I'm interested to see what she will do. Will she send another text? Will she try again?

 

I'll keep you posted. I just wished that my mood and my life weren't based entirely around her and if she contacts me or not.

 

Unfortunately there is nothing I can do about that at the mo but hopefully soon.......