Cant_let_go

I know you are right and I am doing things to keep busy but there isnt enough to do that will keep him off my mind. Not only do I miss him so much but I worry about him as well. I know he is sad and I know he doesnt take the best care of himself. I know it sounds stupid to care how he is taking this but I have been caring about him for so long that it is hard to just leave him to his devices. I know that I need to care about myself right now but he has been my focus above all others (including myself) for 5 years. I have so much trouble just making it through each day that thinking ahead to a time when I will be ready to go out again is unfathomable. I just cant see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. I knew when I was doing it that I would regret giving up everyone and everything for him. Somehow deep down I knew that he would leave me one day. He just kept so much out of my reach and I always felt like it was so he could have an easy getaway one day. Now it will be as we never were. There are no pictures or love letters (except from the very beginning). He wouldnt even give me that while we were together. I guess he wanted no evidence. The more that I write about it the more things become so clear to me. I lied to others in my life about him because I was ashamed of the way I was allowing myself to be treated. I told everyone that I was the one that didnt want to move forward because I didnt want to hear what they would tell me and I didnt want them to think badly of him. No one really knows what happened between us and I am too ashamed to tell that an educated woman of my age stayed with someone that wouldnt make a commitment. What the hell is wrong with me?? Did I honestly think he would change and suddenly agree to give me what I wanted? This is all too much to compute for me sometimes. I am going to stay away from him even though i want to talk to him so badly. I just know he will hurt me again and I dont want to hate him. He wont take what little he gave to me away from me. I want to keep the good memories for myself and I know that any contact right now will push those memories further way from my reach.

You guys are great! I am overwhelmed by the strength behind your words. I will try to remember all of this tomorrow. I am making a short term goal for myslef to not check my email until I go to bed tomorrow night. It is going to be hard but I think I can do it now.

Rascal, I cant tell you how much your post meant to me. Thank you so much. You are very right and I dont want to settle. I want to be with someone that wants to spend the rest of his life with me the same way that I do. He never wanted the same things and I just let it go. In all fairness he never made promises but I just always thought we would eventually be more. It will never cease to amaze me that I can come here and ask for help and support and get it. I only had to ask once and I got exactly what I needed. I am grateful. I will make it tonight without NC and I feel good about that.

I really am trying to do this for myself but truthfully I am doing it in hopes that he will miss me and contact me first. He is very stubborn and I really dont see that happening but i still have hope. God! What is wrong with me? He doesnt even want me and I am wishing he would take me back. This is truly a sickness.

I started pushing for more commitment. I wanted more than just every weekend and a date during the week. He was okay with the way things were. I wish I had never said anything. He pretty much told me that he never saw us getting married or even living together. I have wanted that from the very beginning but I just tried to be patient but in the past couple of months, I just wanted more. It just seemed like I was spending more time alone than I was with him. I wanted a bf that would go places with me and share more with me. He kept everything so separate from us. I never even met his family although they knew about me. I just feel like I wasnt good enough or maybe like he knew all along that he wasnt going to stay with me so he didnt bother them with meeting me. I know it sounds like things werent good between us but we were best friends and I just love him as a person. He has a great sense of humor and he is so intelligent. I have loved him for so long that it is hard to just let go. He was really the one for me. I just wasnt the one for him.

Thanks for the support. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. He was my best friend since the first day that we met. I feel so alone and no one can take his place right now. I just want to hear his voice again. I wish I could handle being his friend. He was the one that always helped me when I was hurt or upset by other people and now he is the one that hurt me and I am just lost.

5 days ago i started NC and it wasnt in a nice way. We had a nice visit for me to pick up my things and it was like we hardly knew each other after only 2 weeks apart. He again told me that he didnt think things would ever work out between us and I pretended that I was okay with it but on the way home, I just lost my mind. I got so angry and sent him an email message telling him that we will NEVER be friends again and pointed out the fact that I would never do what he did to someone that I love. We were together a very long time and went through so much to be together. I hadnt gone more than half a day wothout talking to him for over 5 years and this is just so hard. I am so angry at times and then I am sad again a few hours later. I guess thats the whole point of NC. I just need to mean what I am saying and right now I am not in control of my emotions. I just want to tell him that I made a mistake by being so negative in my last message and want to be friends or something. I am just really needing my "fix" and having a horrible time not sending a message right now. I know he wont tell me what I want to hear and it will make me feel more angry and set off the tears again but I just cant make myself care enough about that fact right now. I just want some contact with him! Anything will do right this minute. I read posts here for hours every night and it really does help but nothing makes me stop checking to see if there is a message from him or wishing he would call. Please help.

Thanks so much for your words of support. I am really trying to be strong and I do realize that its over for good but sometimes I just get carried away with "what ifs". I just keep thinking that if we just start over, things would be different now that we know whats it's like to be apart. I guess it is just too painful sometimes to think that for him things are different in a GOOD way now that we are apart. Wow, I dont even know if I can follow that thought. Thank you again for the suportive post. It makes me feel not so alone.

it has been over 2 weeks now. i cant claim NC completely but no physical contact definitely. i am still having such a hard time and i just cant imagine being able to endure much more of this. i dont eat and i dont sleep. all i do is think of what went wrong and when he stopped loving me. i just keep telling myself that i will never do this to anyone. it is such an awful feeling to feel so abandoned. he is moving on and seems to be doing so much better (motivation to succeed in life) even in 2 weeks than he ever was while we were together. it makes me angry because all i did was encourage and support. now he will feel so justified in letting me go. now i feel like i was just holding him back and that is such a hard thing to realize. how can loving someone so much be a bad thing for them? maybe i was just too accepting of his apathy for life. i went out with some friends and i cant say i really had a good time. i did some things i am not very proud of and i know now that getting drunk or meeting a new man is not the answer right now. i didnt have sex with anyone but that might be the only thing i didnt do. i just feel so self-destructive right now and i am scared that i really will do something that cant be fixed. no suicide....just sabotaging my life. when will this all just go away?

Thank you both for the words of encouragement. Deep down I know this is for the best but I just dont want to let go of my love for him. I tried so hard to please him and make him want me and he said that my ideas about what love is are unrealistic. After 4 long term relationships that ended this same way, I am beginning to believe him. I just dont understand how he can just stay away from me. No real explanation just alot of "i'm sorry". I need more than that after all this time. I just want him to tell me that he didnt give me what I needed because of his own defect not mine. Right now, I just feel like a failure and so completely unloveable. I just want but I dont even know what I want right now. I dont want company, i dont want food or sleep. I just want to sit here and be sad and think about him. I know I am hurting myself and not him by doing this but I just keep hoping that I can WILL him to want me back. I am a grown, educated woman with a successful career and I feel helpless and confused. This hurt is all encompassing and there isnt room for anything else. I think I really need help.

I posted for the first time today and I have only read a few threads so far but already I am feeling like there is some hope for me. I am still so so angry and wanting to confront him but what good will it do? He has made up his mind and will never change it. It is his way. I am devastated and feel like I have been thrown out with the garbage. I believe him when he says there is no one else but at the same time that really isnt a comfort. That just means he would rather be alone than with me. This is so hard and I feel so out of sorts. I dont know what to do from one minute to the next. I am literally stuck in this chair waiting to hear from him. I have only been NC since this morning and I TOLD him to to just go away and that i wouldnt bother him again. Why did I do that??? I want to take it back but I cant hear him tell me that I was right and we should just not talk anymore. He wanted to be friends with me and I told him NO! I hate myself for doing it because it wasnt what I was really feeling. I just wanted to hurt him. I dont really want to talk about anything that doesnt involve us trying to work things out but at the same time I miss him so much. He was my best friend and the only person I talked to everyday for 6 years. How can that be over? Now who will I talk to? I dont have any friends anymore.

After 6 years together and more drama than I care to remember, my boyfriend broke with me 2 days ago. Now I am so lost and literally dont know what to do with myself. I am sitting here waiting for the phone call. You know the one - "I am so sorry and I want you back". I know its not going to come. I told him to go away and leave me alone even though its the last thing I wanted but he just wont say the things I want to hear and I am so angry with him! He wanted to talk about giving my things back and repaying some money he owed me. WTF?! How do you repay 6 years of someone's life? I have not been happy with our relationship for along time but I didnt want to break up. I wanted more. I wanted to move in together or something that would take us to the next level. I know this is for the best and that he is probably the more mature here for taking the needed step but I refuse to make this easy on him and comfort him when he is sad. He wants us to be friends and I just dont want to give anything right now without getting what I want and need first. I am so so angry that I couldnt even say I would meet him somewhere to get my things. I felt insulted by the fact that he wouldnt let me come to his house to pick them up and even more insulted when he said he was going to give me money. Money to leave him alone?!? I am just devastated and lost. We have been through so much and I have forgiven so much in the past and if what he says is true and he doesnt have someone else he wants to be with then that means he would rather be alone than be with me. That is so hurtful. He says he cant tell me anything that I did wrong and that he loves me so much that this is making him sick inside. What should I think? Someone please talk to me and tell me what this all means.