Did I miss something?

[Jaela]

Wow I really feel screwed. It's at a point where I'm afraid to put my emotions into any type of relationship anymore. Are all people this flaky?

 

I met this guy Mike who I've posted about before, numerous times in fact because his behavior was so confusing it was maddening. This guy basically asked me out every week. We would go out once or twice a week. The dates always went well. It took him FOREVER to kiss me, so long in fact I began to fear I was misreading his signals and he really wasn't interested in me romantically. Yet sure enough every week he would continue to ask me out. This has gone on for almost two and a half months. When he finally did kiss me, it was very soft and well...not very passionate or long. But I was thrilled he had finally kissed me. The second time he kissed me, he touched me intimately as well, and then stopped. When he walked me out to my car, I gave him a great big hug and went to kiss him on the lips, and he turned his face away. I was incredibly hurt and baffled and never pursued kissing him after that.

 

He has kissed me once more since then, and has continued asking me out. Last night he dropped over $100 easily on dinner and drinks for the two of us. We went back to his house to hang out. Last time I stayed he kissed me (very shortly, I mean less than a minute here) then he cuddled with me alot. This time he made no move to kiss or cuddle me though. Finally at 2am I told him I was going to go home. He was like, "Ok" and walked me to my car. No hug, nothing. No emotion whatsoever. He didn't even bother asking why I wanted to leave (usually I'll stay the night)

 

This guy is driving me insane. I've all ready established in my mind we should only be friends since all he has managed to do is confuse the heck out of me We've been loosely 'dating' for three months now and he is just completely hot and cold. He never talks about his intentions or anything. He keeps his life very, very private and really doesn't let me in anywhere.

 

Sooo ... where did I go wrong? He kept asking me out (made me think he was interested) ... he kissed me (made me think he was interested) ... he's paid for dinner and a movie for us before, and ice cream, and last night once again dropped a ton of money on a nice dinner for us (made me think he was interested, and we were on actual dates)

 

I'm so incredibly frusterated. I'm all ready working on getting past my feelings for him (I liked him ALOT) ... but seriously, is this what I can expect from dating? I should mention I've recently emerged from a ten month rocky relationship, and before that a five year relationship, so I've been out of the circuit. How does anyone survive this type of crap?

 

Please tell me this guy is just extra strange ... Are there better ones out there?

[Msnak]

If he's easy to talk to, maybe ask him what he thinks of the two of you. Ask if you're friends or if he wants to be more. Say you're not trying to pressure him but that you're confused. That always works for me, it seems to strike a chord and get an answer.

 

But talk to him face-to-face and not on the phone to gauge his reaction and body language.

[phishgirl]

Well...it seems to me that perhaps there are two things going on: either:

 

1)He is shy, hasn't dated much, and is ultimately akward around girls and unsure of how "far" to take things, as he has no clue as to what the standards are per date- and you know, things move a LOT faster with twenty-somethings than with teenagers, OR

 

2) He's been hurt in the past by another girl, or someone who he was interesteed in or has rejected his responses.

 

Another theory-he's simply an introvert and enjoys others taking control.

 

MY ADVICE: If you're the physical type, let him KNOW that you want to take things further. If you're the 'talk it through' type, then TALK to him about it ! What have you got to lose either way??

 

You HAVE to address this with him, in whichever way you feel comfortable. Then you'll know the deal---you'll only know and decide then whether he's worth keeping. PM me or give an update and let us know his deal.

[DN]

Why don't you take him out on a date and pay for it? Why don't you talk about your feelings? Why are you not making a move on him?

[Jaela]

Hi DN, I have taken him out on a date and payed for it. He's taken me out three times where he's paid (for dinner twice, once for ice cream) and I've taken him out once and paid. (for dinner) And last night he paid for two rounds of martinis, so I picked up our last round. I am going to talk to him about my feelings, if he's willing to listen ... and I did make a move on him,but he turned his face away, which made me think he didn't like it.

[DN]

Hi DN, I have taken him out on a date and payed for it. He's taken me out three times where he's paid (for dinner twice, once for ice cream) and I've taken him out once and paid. (for dinner) And last night he paid for two rounds of martinis, so I picked up our last round. I am going to talk to him about my feelings, if he's willing to listen ... and I did make a move on him,but he turned his face away, which made me think he didn't like it.

Maybe he felt he had bad breath or something like that on that occasion. (Or maybe you did and didn't realise it). Stuff like that can happen easily.

 

Well done for paying for dates etc.

 

I think a talk is good - I think it would be a good idea to keep it light and not very intense. Good luck.

[Jaela]

Hi guys,

 

I called Mike last night and left a msg on his voicemail. I told him I hoped things weren't awkward between us because of my leaving the other night and that there were some other things I wished to express, but not over voicemail. Then I asked for him to call me, and wished him a nice evening. So far I have not heard from him. I know he is leaving for out of the country tomorrow for work, meaning it is unlikely I will hear from him until he returns after a week.

 

I don't think that is a very good sign. Maybe I've misread all his signals, and he only wanted a friendship? I know he had a wedding tonight though, and is very busy.

 

To make things even more bizarre, last week I attended a wedding and invited him to come with me. He was out of town for work but told me (since he has seniority) that he made everyone not take a lunch break so he could try to rush home to make the wedding reception with me. Since it was a five hour drive, he didn't make it. But he did call me and want to see me, even though it was almost midnight by the time he arrived back in town. I know he was exhausted. I was excited to see him and came over after the reception, and we cuddled all night. He made no move to indicate it was only a booty call for him, only kissed me softly once and cuddled into me. I'm a bit hurt he didn't invite me to this wedding with him, which leads me to wonder if he asked someone else as his date.

 

He can be shy, but he's not THAT shy. He lives with his best friend and frankly, the two of them act like frat boys. I have a gut feeling he is seeing other girls. I don't really mind since we've never had any type of exclusive talk. It just boggles my mind that he has asked me out consistently for the past two months, yet doesn't seem interested in pursuing anything sexual. He's always been very respectful. So he's not using me for sex. Yet he doesn't seem like he wants anything very serious either, and he has not really invited me into his life. He'll tell me all the time, "Ask me anything", but he won't really volunteer information.

 

To make matters even MORE confusing, when I first met him, someone who works with his roommate, named Jeff, warned me away from Mike. He said that Mike brought a lot of girls home, and he saw some girls naked in his bathroom etc ... Then Jeff turned around and asked me for my number. At the time I thought this guy was merely badmouthing Mike so he could hit on me. One of Mike's best friends was sitting there and didn't say anything to defend him, just kind of put a reassuring arm around me when he saw how upset I looked. Then a few days later, I saw Mike's friend out and he told me that if I was looking for a relationship, Mike was a perfect man, no extra baggage, he had motivation and direction in his life, etc., and Jeff had said all that bad stuff about Mike only because he wanted to get in my pants.

 

I'm so confused... maybe the things Jeff said were right after all?

 

I just have this horrible feeling I'm not going to hear from Mike again, or if I do, it'll be in a week or two. Then I'll feel really stupid because it'll be glaringly obvious by that time that whatever he was trying to pursue with me wasn't important to him.

 

What do I say if he does call? Should I just let it go?

[Msnak]

Maybe don't say too much but just listen? Ask just the biggest question or two that you have, mainly, is he interested in you? You can even saythat you're feeling some connection but you need confirmation it's not one-sided.

[Jaela]

Hi guys, thank you so much for all of your replies. Well, after leaving a very polite message for Mike on Saturday asking him to call me before he left for China, he never responded. He left today, I believe last time we were together he mentioned his flight was leaving around 1pm. I am so incredibly hurt and sad. I realize he is busy, but it would have helped so much to talk with him before he had gone. I keep beating myself up, trying to figure out what I had done wrong.

 

I keep telling myself he's not worth it, but truthfully I saw many wonderful qualities in him and the potential for a strong relationship. The way he has strung me along hurts so much. When we first started seeing each other, he said that he really liked what a genuine and honest person I was. Now I only wish he could have reciprocated that and been honest with me about his own intentions.

 

I feel so sad right now

[Msnak]

Jaela, I admit, it was rude and insensitive for him to leave town without a goodbye. That's the sort of thing that closes doors on relationships. I hope he realizes it.

 

Your dilemma--other than missing him, grieving the relationship and feeling awful inside--is whether or not to fully close that door when he returns, should he get in touch then.

 

I do feel your pain, the guy I'm seeing is about to take two major trips that could effectively end our relationship, one for a new job out of the region, one to go overseas. So, if it helps, go ahead and let the sad feelings spew out, listen to sad romantic songs, write poetry, rent/watch movies, and just feel the feeling. It'll help you get over it, I think. Good luck!