coooolsome Posted September 27, 2005 Share Posted September 27, 2005 Juha, doing NC doesnt mean you have to wait for her to call. You can call her whenever you want but you can only do it once you are ready. When the day comes that you can call her and her not answering the phone will not affect you is when you can do it. Until then you need to heal and get over it(i know its not easy) I am trying to do NC but I can't b/c she calls me. I can control myself now even though its only been a month. I dont feel the need to call her anymore or even talk to her. I love her with all my heart but there are just so many things that are manipulating her at the moment that I cannot be a part of that. Just heal and become a better person. You will be more attractive to people when you are happy with yourself. I was an idiot the first 2 weeks and she couldnt even stand talking to me. Now I am a lot better and we have talked from time to time. Link to comment
jigsaw Posted September 27, 2005 Share Posted September 27, 2005 Here's an update: My ex broke no contact today. I got a text from her saying that her car was broken into, and a book that contained every cd i'd ever burned for her over the course of our 8 years had been stolen. She says that she feels like an entire chunk of her life has been stolen, and it is too important to her to just let it slip away like that. She wants to know if I still have the original disc/files on my computer, if she can come over and we can burn more discs. She says she would understand if I didn't respond, or didn't want to see her, and that she hopes that I am doing well. Music was a huge part of our relationship, I turned her onto years and years of great music that she didn't even know existed. It's a strange turn of events, because before I initiated NC, she did not want to get together in person. I'm in no hurry to call her back. I know what it feels like to have an entire chunk of my life taken away, and that "chunk" was also too important to let it slip away. Strange coincidence, I wonder if she sees that. Link to comment
Juha Posted September 27, 2005 Author Share Posted September 27, 2005 Coooolsome my ex called me from the beginning and I answered now 3 weeks ago I guess I got sick of it and the way she was treating me so I stopped answering, she probably does not understand the exact reason on why I stopped answering so she is most likely thinking I am angry or hate her.... Realized we both would probably be better off with some time of NC so we could both heal...Hopefully in time her attitude towards me will be better and she can talk and act normal towards me... Jigsaw don't know what to make of it... What are you going to do??? Day 21 today I am ok taking care of me and the emotional things are less and less...Still love and care for her the same as before... Link to comment
jigsaw Posted September 28, 2005 Share Posted September 28, 2005 I don't know what to make of it, I haven't had time to digest it yet. I'm honestly surprised she broke NC, she has hermit tendendcies. I can understand how important the music is to her, because it's that important to me as well. Gonna think on this one for the night. Keep up the NC Juha, as it turns out in my case, communication opens up when you least expect it. But be prepared, and don't get your hopes too high. Link to comment
Juha Posted September 28, 2005 Author Share Posted September 28, 2005 I don't really have much hope of her contacting me anymore...As I just stopped answering her contacts and she has not tried in two weeks now... I know her very, very well... I have probably soured her on me past the point of anything happening at a later time with my actions in the first month after she left... I do not know why she kept contact but it was not because she cared about me anymore or if she still does she never showed it.... ANyway have to deal with my mistakes and learn from them but most of it was my anxiety, I do not use it as an excuse though and take responsibility for all my actions... Jigsaw hope things work for you if you decide to answer her back... See you later... Link to comment
jigsaw Posted October 1, 2005 Share Posted October 1, 2005 Well, after 25 days no contact it was broken. We haven't actually spoken though. She sent me the txt I mentioned earlier, and I politley txt'd her back late last night. I told her that I was sorry to hear about what happened, feel free to call me when she has the chance, and that I hope she is doing well too. Trying not to hold my breath. I'm looking forward to talking to her, it would be nice. Not waiting around the house staring at the phone though. She will call. I'm gonna go do some home improvement. How are you holding up Juha? Link to comment
Juha Posted October 1, 2005 Author Share Posted October 1, 2005 Last night was out with some friends at a local hangout just having a few drinks and having a good time.... Well it happpens that a friend of mine has a girl he is talking with come down with her friends....SO one of them had been good friends with my ex and now does not really talk with her...We get talking and she knows I went out with her and were having a good time and she asks what happened and have I talked to her lately... I told her and I have not talked with her in over 3 weeks by my choice....Then she makes a couple of negative statements about her and says I have not talked to her in a while and wants to call her...She calls on her phone and nothing then she grabs my phone and calls nothing again... I wish the call went through I would have loved to see her face when her old friend called her from my phone... I still don't undrstand why everyone who knows her says she will call me at some point...They all say 'you don't know what you have until it's gone" and are sure she will call....What am I missing here??? Day 25 of NC I am doing much better... Link to comment
coooolsome Posted October 1, 2005 Share Posted October 1, 2005 Hey, it doesnt matter how you acted that first month. Over time, if they really loved you they will forgive you for it. Technically they should understand how you felt and you acted emotionally and not in the right state of mind. As long as you dont continue to do it, you will be fine. Link to comment
jigsaw Posted October 2, 2005 Share Posted October 2, 2005 Keep up the good work on the no contact. Mine txt'd me when I least expected it. I guess that's how it works. When you stop planning on them calling you, they just may. Stay strong. Link to comment
Juha Posted October 3, 2005 Author Share Posted October 3, 2005 Day 27 of NC and feel so much better than I did 27 days ago... I go and check my email today and guess who emailed me??? Yup she sent me an email, I can count on one hand the number of times she emailed me in the past...Guess she figures I won't answer her calls or texts, so I will give email a try... This is what she sent: So ya "I just thought you'd never hate me this much....I'm not asking for anything but an email letting me know you're alive and well" Ex's name Don't really know what to make of this but am debating if I want to answer...I look at it this way if she really cared about me being alive and well she would not have treated me the way she did and now she feels guilty, maybe.... Feel free to post your take on this...I would appreciate anyone elses opinion... Thanks everyone... Link to comment
Juha Posted October 3, 2005 Author Share Posted October 3, 2005 Jigsaw how are you doing??? What ended up happening with the ex contacting??? Stay strong and take care of you..... Link to comment
coooolsome Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 Juha I wont tell you what to do b/c I really dont know. If my ex sent me that I don't know how I would react. Part of me is like, I need to tell her I dont hate her and that I am working on myself. Another part is telling me she is playing games and is trying to get a rise out of you. I really dont know. I dont know her. She might be feeling guilty and you telling her you dont hate her will make her feel better. I dont know. If I sent her an email, I would probably say "Hi, I dont hate you. You should know me better than that. I have been really busy lately" Dont tell her what you are doing. Dont apologize for anything b/c you are not wrong. So dont do it b/c I suggested it. I would get a lot of other peoples opinions about it b/f you choose what to do. Link to comment
Juha Posted October 4, 2005 Author Share Posted October 4, 2005 Cooolsome I really dont know what she is feeling or doing either... I dont know if she is really thinking I hate her or not... I do not know if she is playing games or not to see if she still has any control over me at all...She could also feel hurt I do not answer anymore... I do know her but the person now is not the person I knew from before... I am going to give this some thought before I do anything... I just dont know..... SD where are you??? Could use your help here..... Link to comment
jigsaw Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 Hey Juha, I sent her a txt telling her that I'd be more than happy to help her out. So we haven't actually talked. I hear that she's come down with a pretty heavy cold, so I don't want to see her at the momment, and I doubt she wants to leave her room. I'd rather get together when we're both on top of our game. There will be time to get together later on. Wish me luck! As for your situation, I don't think she really thinks you hate her. The no contact will let her sort out and deal with herself as well it sounds like. Good luck! Be strong. Link to comment
Juha Posted October 4, 2005 Author Share Posted October 4, 2005 Well today is day 28 of NC... I did not think I could get here, but I did... I could not have done it without all the support I have gotten here from everybody... I would like to thank everyone for helping me, especially SuperDave, Jigsaw, and Cooolsome... I am feeling more like me again everyday and do not feel down in the dumps anymore, sometimes I feel a little but not like a month ago... SuperDave have you read my pm to you or the post here about her email to me and what you think??? Link to comment
Enn Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 How do you do NC if the person keeps emailing you? But only in a really blank way 'Hallo - how are you today?' - which they seem to use as an opportunity to explain how depressed they are and nothing else. Any questions about why he's upset get 'Why are you playing games again?' I keep doing NC but then I think 'Oh no, he's going to think I'm horrible.' NB: In my case the person is four yards away from me at work... Link to comment
jigsaw Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 How do you do NC if the person keeps emailing you? But only in a really blank way 'Hallo - how are you today?' - which they seem to use as an opportunity to explain how depressed they are and nothing else. Any questions about why he's upset get 'Why are you playing games again?' I keep doing NC but then I think 'Oh no, he's going to think I'm horrible.' NB: In my case the person is four yards away from me at work... sounds like he needs no conact as much as you do. You guys are going in circles, and need to sort things out independently. You don't need to ask why he's upset, and he shouldn't be so depserate as to say "why are you playing games again" It's too soon for you guys to communicate effectivley. No contact for now I say. Of course, I don't know your back story, this is just my conclusion from your last post. Good luck, and be strong! Link to comment
jigsaw Posted October 6, 2005 Share Posted October 6, 2005 How is Juha doing? I haven't talked to my ex yet. She is still sick. As well as I know her, I'm sure that she will wait until she is healthy before she calls to make plans. I'm not staring at that phone though. I'm actually talking to other girls right now. I figure if I'm single, I may as well enjoy it for all the good things it has to offer. I still love her with all my heart, and I miss her all the time. I'm more than willing to work things out and build a new/better relationship when that time comes. However, I realize that waiting around the house is not making me a better person, and doesn't make me better at any relationship. Link to comment
Juha Posted October 6, 2005 Author Share Posted October 6, 2005 Jigsaw I am good.... Good to see you also doing well and actually have some good contact with your ex... Today was a step back day for me...Woke up and she was on my mind all day, I don't know why... I love and care about her more than anyone in the world but am taking care of me and doing what I need to do... It still seems to be all about her with that email she sent...Her tone in it was liek she was talking in person to me cold and nothing in it... Just wants a reply back from me to make herself feel better for dumping me, probably... She is not accustomed to not having her way and me not answering is not something she understands... Oh why must it be this way??? Link to comment
jigsaw Posted October 7, 2005 Share Posted October 7, 2005 It must be this way so that she will do some thinking as well. If we want to be with them again we can't be the only ones learning from this experience. At some point she will be asking herself the same questions you've been asking yourself, and she's going to have to grow personally from that experience. In the meantime we've got to be strong and make sure that this a growing experience, not a downward spiral. Good luck to us all! Link to comment
Juha Posted October 7, 2005 Author Share Posted October 7, 2005 Jigsaw, I am growing and learning from the experience... We have been broken for 3.5 months now and I have NC for 1 month.... Dont' know how much thinking she has done or will be doing, if she thinks I hate her then there has been no thinking... She is with someone else now, so she has something to distract her from thinking about us... I hope things go well when your ex calls to meet.... ttyl and thanks Jigsaw.... Link to comment
jigsaw Posted October 7, 2005 Share Posted October 7, 2005 Jigsaw, I am growing and learning from the experience... We have been broken for 3.5 months now and I have NC for 1 month.... Dont' know how much thinking she has done or will be doing, if she thinks I hate her then there has been no thinking... She is with someone else now, so she has something to distract her from thinking about us... I hope things go well when your ex calls to meet.... ttyl and thanks Jigsaw.... Thats the hard part, and coincidentally the main barrier in my situation. When they are with someone else they won't do much thinking. When things are good we party, when things aren't, we ponder. Everyone here at enotalone is doing a lot of pondering. I've no way of knowing if she's even with the person anymore, as no contact keeps me away from that question (as if I want the answer anyways!) But I do realize that while she is rebounding, she is learning nothing, and using the emotional high of the rebound to create unthoughtful conclusions for her admitted feelings for me. Theres nothing I can say/do that will change her course of thinking right now, I have to ride this one out. She will come to her senses eventually. I know better than to sit back and wait, I'm focusing on enjoying myself right now, even when I'm having a weak momment, like right now. Something I've been pondering recently: We communicate more thourgh our behaivors than by our intent. Meaning the words that come out of our mouths don't mean as much as our actions. That is why a lot of us suffer during contact in the breakup. We are saying "I love you, I want things good between us, another chance", and while that is all good, our behaivor communicates something different, that is where the desperation and neediness are apparent. Think about it. I think about it now whenever I communicate with someone. Her sister is in contact with me, and I think about it when I write back to her. Most importantly, I think about my ex's behaivor throughout the breakup, and I can specifically see her behaivors contradicting her words. Time will sort out these things, because I cannot. Stay strong. Be thoughtful, that is your best defense and offense. Link to comment
Juha Posted October 7, 2005 Author Share Posted October 7, 2005 Yes Jigsaw I see the same things in my ex.... She would contradict herself all the time with her words and actions.... Alot of times she would say something and then contradict those words by saying something else....She also is putting up a front to me before she told me she was happy with this new relationship and from what I have been told they argue alot and he treats her crappy... I do not dwell on them together because if that is the type of person she wants to be with then I feel sad and disppointed for her...I have admited my problem and apologized to her when I say what I did to her and how I treated her for those months... I have now been handling the problem and I am so m uch better but when we were talking she would say she did not believe anything I said and the anziety is just an excuse....I think that is just her anger and hurt at me coming out.... So here I am NC for 1 month and she thinks I hate her....I hope she is thinking about me and us when she is with the loser she is with now... I will ttyl....Stay strong and be good.... Link to comment
Lovesick64 Posted October 7, 2005 Share Posted October 7, 2005 Juha- Kudos to you apologizing for your behavior in the relationship. I am sorry that your ex can't accept that your anxiety was the diagnosis and not an excuse. It is very insensitive on her part. I know it took a lot for you to admit that you have anxiety and to apologize. My ex has bpd and I wish he knew it and would seek help for it. I know if he was aware, then he would apologize. I guess more than anything I would like to have an apology from him for treating me poorly. However I tell myself that I allowed him to treat me that way. One day maybe he will get a clue, but I am not holding my breath. Nor am I holding out for us to get back together. Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted October 8, 2005 Share Posted October 8, 2005 SuperDave checking in....how is everything everyone? -SuperDave71 Link to comment
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