stark future for the single male posters in this forum?

[annie24]

I understand where you are coming from. Dating works for some people better than it does for others. I remember one old friend, she's only had one guy her entire life. He was her first date, kiss, boyfriend, etc. He is literally the *perfect boyfriend* and is everything that any sane girl could ever want. Yet, she was still unhappy. She told me she was jealous of me because although I hadn't found my Mr. Right, I had dated "a million and a half men" and I knew that I am desirable to many men. She told me she felt like he was the only man that was attracted to her.

 

Like your female friend you speak of, even though she found her Mr. Right, at least having those 2 other dates gave her experience, if for no other reason, than to appreciate her Mr. Right even more, knowing what kinds of turkeys are out there...

 

But I digress. Most people date first, through that process, get to know each other, and then decide to make a committment. It seems like you want to do it the other way around. I fear you may be setting yourself up for a big disappointment one day, when you fall for a person, but realize upon spending more time with them, that they aren't capable for whatever reason, of being in a relationship with you. That's why I am such a big proponent of dating - spending time with someone, getting to know them on all levels, BEFORE making a committment to them. To me, making a commitment to someone that you haven't dated is like buying a car over the internet without seeing a photo or seeing the maintenence reports. It could be a good deal, or it could be a lemon. Better to know before you make a committment.

 

Whenever people have unconventional ideas, it will be met with healthy skepticism. If a 350 pound man finds a new diet, the "pepperoni and hot fudge diet" and goes around telling everyone how it will help him lose weight and make him look like a male model, everyone will be like, "Yeah, whatever. Come back when you look like Brad Pitt, and then I'll try your pepperoni and hot fudge diet." For a convincing argument, better to get the results first, and then share with everyone the "secret of your success."

 

You may be ready to skip to "the main event" once you find that special lady, but the question is, will she??? I would personally feel very apprehensive about getting involved with a man who has decided that I am his dream woman before we have become romantically involved. I would feel that too much pressure has been placed on me, and I would feel too much pressure to be perfect. I couldn't handle it. I would feel 100x more comfortable with a guy I sort of know asking me to get some pizza with him sometime, as opposed to a male friend I have been friends with forever, telling me he wants to be my life partner. I'm just saying - it's expecting a LOT. Not only to find someone that you are deeply compatible with, but to expect them to be at the same emotional stage you are, without having gone through the traditional courtship stages first.

[ShySoul]

Not saying anything for certain, but does your friend have self esteem issues besides this? Cause it may have nothing to do with dating, that may just be the way she lets out her insecurities, the not having dating being an esay excuse. If she had dated, she may still be saying the same thing about guys not finding her attractive, only it would be changed to something like "all the guys i dated, i wasn't attractive enough to keep them."

 

Also, the media portrays the idea that we need to be out dating lots of people. Perhaps its more a case of being influenced by that? Maybe she has bought into that idea and is regretting not going through that, even when deep down she knows she has what she really wants?

 

I believe that when you meet the right person, you will appreciate them in every way, just because the person is the right one. Prior relationships would not make me appreciate her any more. If anything, prior relationships would cease to exist from my memory because my mind, heart and soul will only be filled with my love for her. I love and appreciate her, for her and everything about her. Past experiences aren't going to be but a mere memory, barely there. Don't think you need those prior experiences cause the shear magnitude of finding your true love will be enough to appreciate all on its own.

 

Besides, to now what kind of turkeys are out there, all one has to do is look around and use common sense. Everyday on this site there are posts about losers. I'm sure we have all seen others in that kind of situation. Some common sense says, if all these people are getting with turkeys who were clearly wrong for them, maybe I should be more careful. And the easiest way of handling it is to go friends first. If you spend long time as just friends, and you really get to know each other, odds are greatly reduced of finding yourself in a situation with one of those guys. If you take into consideration all factors before you every go on a date, you can safe yourself a lot of unnecessary trouble.

 

I am all for spending time with a person and getting to know them. But can't that be done as friends instead of as dating?

 

I find it amusing that people continually compare dating and relationships to buying cars or business deals. Are we talking about love and romance? Or are we talking about negotiating treaties? Love isn't business, it isn't war. And to treat it as such is, in my mind, rather demeaning to the whole beauty and wonder of the experience.

 

Should I fall for a person and find that they are not right for me, that will be just fine. The same thing happens to those who date and have relationships. They are also setting themselves up for big disappointment. And least with my method, we will be friends first and foremost and that will endure. There will not be the danger of losing everything because it didn't work out. I'm not going to something serious unless I am certain that it will work. I will learn all I need to know about rather or not we are capable of having a relationship together from being there friends.

 

Come back with results. While the process takes time. In the meantime should I just stay silent? Or should I speak out for what I believe in and give others a different perspective? I thought I had shown proof through the my friend's story. And if it is proof that people want, then I'll find proof.

 

I am not unaware of a womens feelings, I believe if anything I've shown a continued sympathy towards women even when everyone else on the site has written one off. Thus I am understanding. The person with whom I get with will feel the same way. That is what the friendship is for. Through the friendship we will be able to learn about each other. We will be able to tell that we have the same values and ideals. We will know that we want the same thing. And gradually feelings will develop. It won't be one sided. It won't be me telling her, "hey, i only want you forever, marry me." We will talk about it. We will work together. We simple will not "date." We will get to know each other as friends and let nature take its course.

 

This may be a lot for you. But there are girls who can not only handle it, but want it. And that is the girl that I not only want to be with, but whom I will be with.

 

Dating.... not going there. Love.... thats where I'm at.

[traz]

Things can get much more difficult as you get older. There are factors that come into play when you're older that can make it harder to meet people, make it feel more socially awkwards. All that means is people have to play catch up, it doesn't mean that they are doomed.

 

However, to think that you are "due" for a good relationship at 40 because you haven't had one your whole life is BAD thinking.

 

I play poker semi-professionally, and there is a common gamblers fallacy that I see in alot of people. When they get a long run of bad cards, they seem to think that they are bound to get good ones soon, as if they've used up all their bad luck. That is FALSE thinking, a long stream of bad luck doesn't guarantee any good luck in the future.

 

If you haven't had any luck yet with women, there's no reason to think it'll get better. That doesn't mean you're screwed, it just means be realistic. Keep trying, keep improving yourself, and with some luck things may go right. But they may not, and that is a possibility.

[Derek]

To the original poster, you are a med student, a scientist,

Then you should know that you don't have to rely on mere genetics to be attractive. There is a science to attraction, there is a method to rapport and relationships and all these things can be skills that are learned. You don't have to give up your hope without a fight. What kind of man are you if you give up just because it is hard? Just because the odds are bad?

Why not take a scientific approach to the problem, break it down into subsets and eliminate each factor that is blocking you from reaching your goals. You do that for other problems and other issues. You are learning skills in school to do the same thing. Why not apply it to this problem as well? Have you spent that amount of effort and time?

 

Eliminate the major blockages (like for example, smell good, dress better)

Add in positive elements (like new interests, step outside the comfort zone)

Add in volume testing (i.e. trial and error of conversation skills on more people, more often = focusing of skills for your purpose)

 

 

 

I have heard that guys these days have impossible expectations on the women around them. Yet guys don't apply that same standard to themselves. Why not become the person you want to attract and see how that goes? You want an athletic girl with outdoorsy interests, then how about you get your abs in shape and go to outdoorsy events where you might maximize your probability of finding someone with similar interests.

 

I have heard that guys these days are too passive, they don't initiate because of confusion over feminism and male roles now a days.

Forget about what others think. Be confident, be yourself and forget about what women think, just know what you want and go for it, like a "man" would. Pretend to be the ideal of a "man" and eventually you become one for real.

 

What do you have to lose, what do you gain?

 

 

[orangecounty]

It may sound so cliche, but personality is so important. In the past I've been attracted to guys and wanted to go out with them and then realized what jerks they really are. I work with a guy whom I absolutely adore, he's very average, not someone I would give a second glance to and yet he's so much fun, he's a nice guy with a good sense of humour. I'm 22 and still single, have never had a boyfriend and I know there are times it's so incredibly frusturating when it seems nothing is working. But the more you feed yourself with positive dialogue, the more attractive you come off as. Positive self talk is so important, you start out slow, feeding yourself positive comments little by little and its amazing how much it can change your mood. It really does work, if you put in some effort.

[ShySoul]

Forget about what others think. Be confident, be yourself and forget about what women think, just know what you want and go for it, like a "man" would. Pretend to be the ideal of a "man" and eventually you become one for real.

 

How does one forget about what others think if they are trying to play up to the ideal of being a "man?" Doing that is still catering to what other people think of you. Being "man" means not bothing to care about what a "man" is. It is about seeing that you don't have to pretend to be anything, just be yourself. You are all the man you will ever need.

 

Why not become the person you want to attract and see how that goes?

 

Why change yourself to something in order to attract that kind of person? Why not just be you and let the person be attracted to who you really are? Why not just go on with your life as is, doing what you like to do and you will naturally meet someone with the same interests.

 

People try to hard to find someone. Thus they get frustrated it doesn't work. You have to be comfortable being alone first, just loving yourself and life in general. Then something will find you and you won't even be expecting it. You can't turn an emotional thing and turn it into a mathematical equation.

[annie24]

Why change yourself to something in order to attract that kind of person? Why not just be you and let the person be attracted to who you really are? Why not just go on with your life as is, doing what you like to do and you will naturally meet someone with the same interests.

 

It depends on what you are looking for. For example, a dating book I have makes a good point. The author was speaking to a single woman. The single woman said, "I want a man of wealth." The author said, "Well, are you rich?" The woman said, "No..." The author said, "How will you meet a man of wealth if you are flying in coach?" (While some people may see this as superficial, it brings up a good point - how will you meet a rich man if you're not at the functions and places where rich people hang out?)

 

If you want an athletic person, then do athletic things. If you want an artsy person, become an artsy person yourself and go to galleries where you are likely to meet artsy people. Become the person you want to attract.

[Derek]

annie said it better than I.

 

And I agree with you Shysoul, it is about being confident in yourself and knowing yourself. I was thinking of how the original poster would relate to other women and the kind of attitude he could adopt to help him over the obstacles.

 

Certainly being the best person you can be, being happy with yourself and life in general is a great way to be attractive. But I am starting to think that for men, there comes a point where we have to initiate, where we have to have the "cajones" to risk ourselves for a women. For "the" woman. For every woman. Because if we don't step up to the plate for ourselves, who is going to? You can hear the clamor of western women everywhere wondering where the real men are? (as the culture emasculates men on almost every side btw)

 

Do it for the good of our future civilization guys!

 

!LOL!

 

 

[ShySoul]

Well, are you rich?" The woman said, "No..." The author said, "How will you meet a man of wealth if you are flying in coach?" (While some people may see this as superficial, it brings up a good point - how will you meet a rich man if you're not at the functions and places where rich people hang out?)

 

Well, I think that if your priority is meeting someone who is rich, that says a lot about you right there. But that's another issue.

 

When you look at a person, can you tell their net worth right away? Yes, the guy in the suit may have a greater chance of being rich then the guy in the jeans, but can you tell for certain? Maybe its a rented suit and he's wearing it to impress people, or had it for an interview but doesn't have money himself. Or maybe that guy in the bar on a Sunday afternoon drinking beer, watching football, and in jeans is rich. Maybe he works for a big name law firm during the week but likes to kick back and take it easy when he's not working.

 

Remember that reality show "Joe Millionaire?" He did everything to appear rich, when in reality he wasn't. Likewise, someone who may appear just like your average guy could be loaded with cash. You could meet the person anywhere from on a bus, to an art class, to the laundromat. Where you meet someone has no bearing upon their financial situation.

 

If you want an athletic person, then do athletic things. If you want an artsy person, become an artsy person yourself and go to galleries where you are likely to meet artsy people.

 

Thing is, we naturally tend to go for and attract people that are similar to us. From personally experience, one girl who liked me the initial spark was a similar taste in music that we both naturally had. I didn't say to myself I wanted a musically inclined girl and go out and look for one. We met in a religion chat room if you can believe it (only spent a couple minutes there and only clicked on it for the fun of it). Another girl who became interested in me noticed my kind heart and that we had similar views on things. In neither case did anyone become the person they wanted to attract. We were all ourselves and naturally attraction came to us.

 

If you are an atheltic person, odds are you will be attracted to athletic people. Thus you will do athletic things not to meet someone, but because you want to them for yourself. And thus you are more likely to meet someone like that anyone because you are naturally inclined to that kind of person. Same with anything else. However, you should not seek to become something that you are not just to get or find a person interested in you.

 

But I am starting to think that for men, there comes a point where we have to initiate, where we have to have the "cajones" to risk ourselves for a women. For "the" woman. For every woman. Because if we don't step up to the plate for ourselves, who is going to? You can hear the clamor of western women everywhere wondering where the real men are?

 

In both cases I mentioned above, the girl contacted me first. In both cases they became attracted first and said something about it to me first. So their are plenty of women out there who take the initiative. Unless you are saying I'm not a real man? (just kidding ). Being a real man isn't about having "cajones" or about intiating. There is so much more to it then that. I agree, at some point we do have to take a chance. But it isn't a question of manhood. I think that however is feeling the attraction first should be the one to take the chance. Someone has to. If the guy really feels it, he should take the chance. If the girl really feels it, she should. It shouldn't be just the man's responsibilty, nor should it be the womens.

[jordan_2]

Learn to be happy with the things you can do and the things you can have.

 

dude,

that has got to be the lamest thing I've heard...

if you put your mind (with common sense and not being obsessive) you can work at a relationship or anything else for that matter and make it work....this is not a personal stab at you, but if you give up that easily, you won't get any results in life...

[Dating Coach]

dude,

that has got to be the lamest thing I've heard...

if you put your mind (with common sense and not being obsessive) you can work at a relationship or anything else for that matter and make it work....this is not a personal stab at you, but if you give up that easily, you won't get any results in life...

 

I'm not so sure that the person you quoted was saying that you should quit persuing other goals... I took that post as saying that you should be happy with yourself and the things you have going for yourself-not that you should be happy now and give up on everything else.

[jordan_2]

sorry, i didn't quote the whole thing that I wanted to quote...

 

You have to learn with what you have and accept that there are some things not meant for you. Learn to be happy with the things you can do and the things you can have.

 

yes you should be happy with what you already have, but how do you know that there is that chance where that perfect someone is waiting on you to take chances and go for what may seem as impossible...all im saying is yes, be happy with ureself...that's the first step...but give yourself credit because if you aren't happy with ureself, you arent gonna make ure significant other any happier....

[ShySoul]

jordan_2,

 

I believe what you are saying is that you shouldn't give up so easily. Yes, be happy with you as you are. However, don't take it to the point where you give up on something that at first glance doesn't seem like it is meant to be. You have to sometimes fight for something to make it work, not to let it go and say "oh well, I'm happy with myself and that is just something I can't have."

 

Be happy with yourself, embrace every part of you. Don't try to be someone you are not. But keep in mind that you can do anything you set your mind to doing. Some things are not meant for you, but there comes points in time where we feel deep in us that something is meant for us, even if it doesn't seem likely. Trust that feeling and go with it.

[jordan_2]

lol thnx shysoul!!!

 

you always seem to manage to be able to say what i wanna say, but properly

 

that's what i mean, don't sell yourself short peoples, it's soo uber uncool!

[Msnak]

Sure, we should always strive to be better versions of ourselves. If we stop and get complacent, it means we are not growing and learning. Life is meant to be embraced not oogled.

 

And about the comment regarding men being "men" and initiating, speaking up and taking chances....it has pretty much been tradition for men to be the ones making the first move, leading the relationship, etc.

 

But women can do it also. I just don't think the leader should be one person all the time.

 

Plus, in many people's views, a man is still the person who should "lead" the relationship, but how can that be done if men are shy, confused, not really interested, inexperienced, scared, etc....I could go on.

 

Sometimes relationships will never get started unless someone bites the bullet, so to speak, and takes a risk to say or do something.

 

It seems more and more men are less willing to do so, which means women who might feel a mutual connection with someone might miss out unless they speak up.

[Derek]

Sometimes relationships will never get started unless someone bites the bullet, so to speak, and takes a risk to say or do something.

 

It seems more and more men are less willing to do so, which means women who might feel a mutual connection with someone might miss out unless they speak up.

 

That trend about passive men in today's culture is what I am pointing out. Men can still be sensitive yet strong. I am all for women to be direct and forthright in their approach to guys too, but guys can still be guys can't they?

[Msnak]

I sure hope guys can still "be guys" and go after what they want! (Women too.)