My boyfriend hangs out with gay men plase heelp

[babe1914]

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, (engaged for almost a year) and everything has been perfect up until about 6 months ago when i started questioning his sexuality. the reason for this is because he started working at this place part time where his manager is a gay man. that is fine and dandy, except for the fact that they spend what seems to me, as too much time together outside of work. whenever i will take him shopping and he finds a shirt on sale, he will call his gay friend and brag about his find, and call him for other stupid stuff as well. he used to come visit me at work, but until recently he makes plans after work to go wave running and shopping with his new "friend" and now that my boyfriend and i are back in school for the fall, he has invited him to our house for the weekend, to hang out and get drunk. This seems very weird for me, but i REALLY started to question his sexuality when he did come into my restaraunt where i work and brought a different friend in...another gay guy! he says he simply works with these guys and they are nice when i confront him about if he is gay or bisexual, and then he gets really offended and states that he is NEVER HANGING OUT WITH THEM AGAIN. yet he still does. is my boyfriend just very friendly or is he too ashamed to admit something? i need some one elses unbiased opinion, i feel i am making too many accusations...but we are engaged and i would hate for 10 years down the road after 2 kids, to find out that he is gay.

[dontknowwhattodo]

Do you guys still do stuff in the bedroom? Are they still good? Are his attitude and behaviors towards you changed?

 

The guy I used to date hung out way too much with gay guys. One of them was his best friend! I used to question him at first before we got together but it turned out that I was wrong. We had amazing sex life and it lasted until we broke up (for some other reasons, not because him hanging out with gay friends too much). If things haven't been changed between you guys, and if he is still attracted to you sexually, emotionally and physically, it may be just that your man finds some good friends that he gets along with.

[TiredMan]

Its your own insecurity talking and I think it's unfair.

 

What if he was hanging out with beautiful women all those times instead? I'm sure that would bother you as well in terms of jealousy.

 

Don't accuse someone of something unless you have real proof because that isn't fair and eventually will push them away.

[Day_Walker]

At this point its possible that he is gay or bisexual but its also possible that he isnt. Unless you witness some kind of homosexual activity from him I doubt that you are going to find out for sure.

[lifeiscash]

Its your own insecurity talking and I think it's unfair.

 

What if he was hanging out with beautiful women all those times instead? I'm sure that would bother you as well in terms of jealousy.

 

Don't accuse someone of something unless you have real proof because that isn't fair and eventually will push them away.

 

So True, either way you look at it your going to be jealous. Stop fearing the worst and being pessimistic, instead be happy for him that he has found many friends that he can hang around.. gay or not.. until something happens like the other posters says.. think in more terms positive.

[BellaDonna]

Do you think gay men turn straight from hanging around with straight men?

 

If your man has been straight for all these years...hanging around with gay men now is not going to change his sexuality.

 

Are his gay friends your ONLY reason for thinking this? Did you ever question his sexuality before this?

 

I have many gay friends- both male and female. It does not have anything to do with sexuality. If you think someone is a good person, and is fun to be around- you can hang around with them regardless of what they do in their bedrooms.

 

I'm not saying it's IMPOSSIBLE for your BF to be gay or bi, and in the closet, but if his FRIENDS are the ONLY thing that make you question this, then I think it's unfair.

 

I agree with the others....you need to look at the big picture. How is the sex between the 2 of you? Is there anything else, aside from his friends that would make you think this?

 

BellaDonna

[kenneth05]

wow.

folks are really on your case for this.

i wouldn't call this jealousy or anything like it.

if your bf needs approval on his clothing choices from his gay friends, rather than you, i'd get a bit suspicious, too.

you clearly have a feeling and a gut feeling, too.

trust your gut.

good luck

[Jinx]

If your man has been straight for all these years...hanging around with gay men now is not going to change his sexuality.

 

This is true. It is like for myself, I have one gay male friend and the rest are straight men and women. Yet, the majority isn't making me go straight all of a sudden.

 

Like someone stated as well, if he would of been hanging out with women it seems like it would of been the same idea. You really have to consider if there is even a trust basis in this relationship, so much that you have to second guess him because of friends which he spends time with.

 

Seriously though, subtle poking and proding probably won't work nor will being pissed and complaining. Both would have negative outcomes. My advice would be you two come to a compromise if it is affecting you so. Sit him down and ask about these friends, time spent, etc... Then you express your concern as you have here. You want to glue the idea that you're looking forward to a family and long term marriage not to be destroyed if he isn't in for the long run. Express you're not interested in a marrying him and he later admits being gay or is cheating on you because he isn't getting what he wants out of the relationship and only commited because of society's standards. It really needs to be set in stone right now what you want and what you expect.

 

Only thing you can't do, is tell him he can't have friends. You didn't explain how much time he spends with you compared to his friends or any other aspect of the relationship so I don't know if we can quite fairly judge whether he is as fault and leading you on when he is gay or you're insecure with what ifs and maybes. If things are going well without overanalyzing the situation, he probably just finds them as good friends to spend time with, everyone needs their group to be happy. Now on the other hand like I say if there are relationship problems (again without overanalyzing) then I too would become curious. Just remember the two key points to relationships are (A) Trust and (B) Communication. In this particular situation you need both, and he needs to understand that. If you can get both perfected and talk to him it should resolve one way or another.

[Vert]

Its your own insecurity talking and I think it's unfair.

 

What if he was hanging out with beautiful women all those times instead? I'm sure that would bother you as well in terms of jealousy.

 

Don't accuse someone of something unless you have real proof because that isn't fair and eventually will push them away.

 

Exactly what I was going to post... Would you rather he be visiting all kinds of cute and beautiful women from work instead? I think you should be happy that he's hanging out with a gay dude because since your bf is straight there is no competition there Either way, your own insecurity over something as trivial as this is what's getting in the way.

[Luciana]

I am with Kenneth here..I would keep my eyes open. Talk to him yes, but start observing any other changing patterns. Especially his attraction to you, and if he starts spending more and more time away from you.

Keep us posted.

[Iceman26]

I agree with Kenneth and Luciana. I think your boyfriend may be a little light in the loafers. I can't say I have ever met a straight guy that constantly hangs out gay guys. Not that it couldnt happen mind you, but in my opinion it is extremely odd.

 

Either that or hes living the life of "Queer eye for the Straight guy".

[Dannysgirl]

I think being concerned about this or not really depends on a few different factors.

How does your boyfriend behave around his gay friends? How is his body language? Is there a lot of unecessary 'matey' touching or anything?

If you are questioning your boyfriends sexuality then you clearly have a a feeling about his behaviour as stated by another poster. Could it be possible that your boyfriend is bi-curious?

 

I don't think that you are being unfair by being suspicious, your boyfriend's reaction when you have asked him about it seems a little over the top to me.

I would try asking his again in a non accusational manner and explain why you find his behaviour a little worrying, try to get him to see it from your point of view, perhaps then he will not feel so threatened by the question.

 

Good Luck

[millaj]

Think of it like this.. if this were a girl he was hanging out with, would you still have the same insecurities?

 

Is he taking away time from you and your family to be with this person, or is he treating them as he would any other friend?

 

Please try not to use the fact that these guys are "gay" to assume that just because he's hanging out with them, that he is turning gay.

 

Treat it like any other situation, if you see traces or signs of infidelity, then you have a right to be insecure. If not, then I will say, just do your part as a trusting partner.

 

If it's really important, sit down and talk with him and let you know that you are insecure.. see if he can non-violently put your mind at ease. But, keep one eye open at all times.[/b]

[DN]

I think we should have a special place set aside miles from anywhere where we can put all the gay men together so they don't seduce straight men into their lifestyle and take them away from their girlfriends and offer them advice about their shirts etc.

 

Then we could take all the beautiful women and put them somewhere else because they are distracting boyfriends as well. Hold on a minute though - who is to say what constitutes a beautiful woman - better take all of 'em.

 

Then we could take all the males away and put them somewhere - yeah, that's right!! I mean, come on, think about it - males befriend each other and they want to go golfing and fishing and do stuff that girlfriends aren't invited to.

 

Better get rid of all the dogs as well, some of them get just a little too friendly, if you know what I mean - in fact, we could get rid of all the pets.

 

Come on folks!! It's OK to be friends with gay people - it's not catching.

[Dannysgirl]

Its more than okay to be friends with gay people, both my best friends are gay males and I wouldn't change them for the world. This guy's behaviour does seem a little strange, adopting a camp persona out of the blue is rather odd.

Allthough I can see how that can happen, the gay scene can be very seductive and I can understand why he might want to emulate his new friends.

[wannagruv]

here's my story for fyi: link removed

 

be very careful in deciding to even bring this up with your bf. i can't think of too other many irreversable and permanently damaging things to do in a relationship than to tell your straight boyfriend that you think he's gay. whatever trust was inherent in that relationship will be immediately destroyed once that bridge is crossed, so i urge you to somehow find concrete proof one way or another before doing anything else. rather than ask him directly, maybe share with him how uncomfortable you are that he's spending more time with friends than with you, that you'd love to take him shopping and pick some clothes out for him. it's more of a non-accusatory approach, which may help you get the answer you're looking for.

 

my ex-gf told me that i was better off finding someone more "open-minded". in reality, it had nothing to do with open-mindedness but, rather, insecurities and lack of unconditional trust on her part.

 

very tragic because we had everything else going for us.

[babe1914]

i greatly appreciate all the feedback this has gotten, i should explain that i hope no one has gotten offended, i am not suggesting that "big bad gay guys are stealing innocent girls's boyfriends" i didnt question introducing him to the gay guys i work with, i have even become friends with his gay friends its just that his relationship with his gay friends is different then with his straight guy friends; they chat on the phone like girls chat on the phone, and they will go out to dinner after work together and sit and chat.

 

the reason this has brought up questioning, is because with his straight friends the relationship is very "to the point" they call to find out "when and where" but with jim, its "so how are you, what did you do today, i havent seen you in forever"

 

but my question is when does a relationship with a gay guy become too personal? is it wrong for him to call Jim before his girlfriend whenever something exciting happens in his life?

 

and is it wrong whenever "Jim" calls my boyfriend, he will secretly try and turn the volume down on his cell phone without me noticing and he does get very defensive whenever i ask him if he is "curious". i do not shove gay porn infront of him and demand he come out of the closet. i just notice a bunch of little details that i feel add up to a big detail.

[DN]

It is ok to ask for clarification anytime you feel neglected in a relationship - whether it be gay men or straight women. If you really feel he is spending more time with them, or sharing more of his feelings etc. with them than with you, then you should talk to him about it. But be very careful about questioning his sexuality.

[kenneth05]

seeing your followup, i would think that you have something of a problem. gay or straight, it's not the issue, your bf has some feeling of importance for "jim"

[Dannysgirl]

If your boyfriemd is being secretive and turning the volume down on his phone whenever Jim calls I would say that is a problem, either there is something going on that he doesn't want you to know about or he is embarrassed about this friendship.

You definitely need to talk to him about it regardless. Try being really casual about it to start with and just ask 'how's Jim' when he gets off the phone, hopefully a mere enquiry of that nature won't encourage him to close up although its possible he might if he thinks he's going to be accused of being gay.

 

I think its best if you are direct, open and honest with him. Tell him that you have no problem with him having friends gay or otherwise and you're happy he gets on so well with Jim its just that you find some of his recent behaviour a bit out of character. Don't accuse him of being gay again because that will only alienate him further wether its true or not.

[maripoza]

Be very careful who you ask advice to, gay guys cover each others back. As for your boyfriend, he maybe gay, an straight men do talk to gay guys and can even some times hang once in a while, BUT TALKING ON THE PHONE ALL THE TIME

 

As for your boyfriend one thing is for sure: Hun that guy is not 100% straight.. and as for those other people in this forum asking you if he still have a good sex with you and etc.. I'll tell you this, this doesn't matter, gay or bi can have passionate sex with both sexes, the only thing about bi-sexual or (in the closet) is that at one point of their lives they will tend to lean toward the male partner not the female partner, the love they have for guys is real lover love, passionate, the one they have for a girl, is most of the time puppy friend love. So that is why many girls get so confuse about these things, in one hand they see signs, but in the other hand their man still with them and having sex and as in your case son to be married, be advice that gay guy only married when they ready to have kids, so be careful you no been one of those people that are only been used for a front or to just procreate kids for a gay guy that care for you but doesn't really love you and eventually will leave you... Some of them do try to be real but at the end the gay comes out.

 

Resources for you to lo up

 

I sow this great website that talks about this, is call link removed they are really cool! when i sow the site i was WOW FINALLY SOME ONE IS TALKING ABOUT THIS and understanding what us woman are going thought...

 

They have a link to a book of a woman that married a gay guy and after 10 years he told her.. horrible these men should be careful what they do, is not only their drama and is not all about them Oh poor guy that society doesn't understand, but what they do is an attach, is been cruel towards a human been. I respect gay guys that say they are gay, but those in the closet are the worse people i ever met.... be very careful they usually uneatable all the time confuse and can bring you nothing but pain and instability long the road..

 

Best of luck,

 

maripoza

[UT]

Well, first off, homosexuals in the closet don't want to be in the closet but are there because being gay is still very taboo. Gay people can be in a relationship with someone of the other sex. It's not the he or she wants to hurt the individual it's because he or she doesn't know it yet.

 

Be very careful who you ask advice to, gay guys cover each others back.

 

Yeah, we're conspiring to take over the world. just kidding

[nuts]

Well, first off, homosexuals in the closet don't want to be in the closet but are there because being gay is still very taboo.

well said. however if this dude is gay and lying to you, you will be the one getting hurt. so good luck, im sure it wont be easy. but just to get things straight (no pun intended, honest), do you love him?

[maripoza]

Ok i noticed contradictions about gay guys dating girls, and still nothing has change, people dont see the big picture and what this means to a girl's life.

 

I know some gay guys dont know it yet??? ok maybe they dont want to come out, but they do know it, deep inside they know.. But if you want to put them as victims then, its alraight we leaave them alon and talk about the ones that do know it. By the way, on google i found serveral forums about this issue and also a website, seams some one put a website about it, link removed so it most be something is happening to a lot of girls ah?

 

 

But here is something i wrote and i condider is worth reading becuase this gives CLOSET HOMOSEXUAL GUYS a inside of what is on the girl head when he is dating her...

IN THE CLOSET

 

Is your boyfriend gay or bi confuse? I think if he is and hasnt tell you sounds to me like he's just with you for company, to use you as a front or who knows why. Gay guys can stay in long relationships and some times don't married, others only married when they wants kids.. let me repeat... "they married a woman when they want kids", NOT YOU. You to them are the stability to keep him safe from the accusing straight world and at the end a woman is nothing but THE PROCREATING FACTOR, to have kids they need that a men will never give them.. so is part of their phase, first confuse, then the woman, then confusion again then the need for kids and a family for FRONT, then comes LIBERATION!!! guess who is at the end of this equation? The woman, and i don't want to tell you how horrible this turns out to be to the victim.

 

Yes, a woman been used and play by a closet gay is a crime and she is his victim, this is the worse thing can happened to a woman, but gay guys, bi guys, or confuse whatever you want to call it, don't seem to grasp this concept and not even come close to understand the suffering and the cruelty of their actions. WHY? because some of them don't even realize what woman feel and go through when they use us, they don't know what woman are about and need, they think: IF I give her time and money, pay for bills and give her kids.. SHE HAS TO BE HAPPY (some of them even think they are doing us a favor) seams they call themselves nicer than the straight men.. but THE LOVE FACTOR, that thing you cant explain BUT YOU KNOW THAT YOUR MEN'S HEART IS NOT YOURS.. it can drive any one nuts..

 

All these woman during the entire time they spend loving a gay men are not getting the same type of love back from them, they all feel empty some times they feel as there is an invisible VOID in their relationship, something missing. Of course the woman stars been suspicious, sensitive, lost of confidence, turn out needy, so many things she feels when she is with him that she end ups acting as she is a crazy person, some woman don't even know what is going with themselves, they just feel they are not happy, the gay man call this , A CRAZY COMPLANING b-i-t-c-h! GIRL ! One of my gay friend once said: "I don't know what the heck she wants I give her all". I told him: "she knows deep inside that she doesn't have you". This friend of mine was gay and married her to hide his true from his family, she doesn't know of course, she was a nice sweet girl, but with time she turn out into an emotional wreck and needy person, she ones attempt suicide and felt isolated and lonely even thought she was married, he abused her emotionally and mentally invalidating her feelings. He is seeying other men behing her back. There is a book call: My Husband Is Gay: A Woman's Survival Guide you can buy it on Barnes and noble or link removed

link removed

This book talks more in depth about this INVISIBLE VOID that woman feels when dating a gay men.

 

Incredibly ironic these woman not knowing exactly why they feel unhappy end up opting to believe it too, they most be going crazy, they have to control their out of control emotions, some even go see shrinks and this goes on and on. LOVE cant be measure, neither are rules for it, it cant be read, see or explained, so how do to explain you been EMOTIONALLY ABUSE?! specially in some cases when he hasn't even apparently done nothing to you, hast yell at you not even once.. just some times passive aggressive, some times indifference or the lack of reaction to a situation you thought it needed reaction but he didn't, it drives you mad, YOU"RE NOT CONNECTED, YOU"RE TOGETHER BUT ARE NOT A COUPLE it make you feel hurt and sad about him, but HE HAD DONE NOTHING TO YOU.. YOU ARE JUST CRAZY RIGHT??? Not even your shirk can figured out HE IS GAY AND HE IS LAYING TO YOU!!.. HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU AS YOU THINK. His love, the puppy friend love or whatever he thinks he is giving you, is all he thinks a woman needs.... but your soul knows better, you are unhappy, unsatisfied at times, even thought he has done Nothing to you AND THAT IS THE PROBLEM!!! HE HAD DONE NOTHING WHEN IN FACT HE WAS SUPPOSE TO, suppose to love you when you wanted to be love, supposed to hold you at the moment you needed to connect or when you thought he will...

 

Is a really elaborated DYNAMIC that goes behind the scenes of a person that is dating a gay men in the closet... to deep and to complicated to describe it here with few words.. And HEY, some other gay men do infact abused a woman too, some gays men are really frustrated and mentally mess up with their situation of not been able to tell no one their true, not even you... And then on top of that is your "complaining", it drives them nuts to a point that then end up hurting their partner, mentally, emotionally and physically. At the end after your drama, your complaning and a life of not getting what you want his frustration reach his limit, (he doesn't understand why the friend puppy love he gives you is not enough for you).. well guess what he does at the end? DUMB HER AS A BAG OF OLD POTATOES and moves on (excuse me they don't move on, they just forget you, to move on they will need first to have real love for you but they cant no matter what you do it will never happened HE IS GAY and so his soul) Sorry I'm not against gay people I'm against the GAY CLOSET ONES WHO USED WOMAN, THEY ARE THE WORSE, I HAVE NOT RESPECT NEITHER PIT FOR THEM... they can mess up your head so bad and so much that some victims cant never recuperate again..

 

I had a gay friend that was in the closet, he opt not to date woman and for that I RESPECT HIM, he is a good guy my good buddy.

As for those who may think, WHO THE HECK IS THIS PERSON THAT SHE THINK SHE KNOWS SO MUCH ABOUT GAY MEN>. I sorry but I DO. And I'm not talking for my own experiences only.. I never been dump for a gay guy, i dump him before it messes me up, but my friend went through something like that, after he abused her mentally and physically, blaming her for everything that he was doing, then dump her. And her boyfriend end even let his lover call her to tell her HE WAS WITH HIM NOW... She had bad luck and end up hospitalized from the traumas and the abused.

 

There is this site i came accross the other day and i found it interested is call. My Boyfriend is Gay link removedin that site are woman like you talking about their stories and same situation that you are in, they post comments as well some tips to find out if he is gay or not.

 

As my advice to you. I think you best bet is to ask a gay guy if your BF is gay. I have a gay male friend and he tells me if the guys i date are gay or not. He has saved me time, headache and a life time to regret (if i married him or give him kids if you know what i mean).. Gay guys love guys with passionate real love, not the girls the girlfriend only gets a sort of puppy friend love. This is why girls get confused some times, they see their men having sex with them and tell them I LOVE YOU BABE while they are getting fantasies or cheating on you with other men. They are CLOSET GAY others call it bi, but on my experience THEY ALL GAY, THEY SUCK (the ones in the closet) even the out of the closet gays think what the closet men do to woman is nasty, deceiving and cruel. A CLOSET GAY can mess up with your head big time, they unstable inside and mess up themselves and don't know what they what as same closet gay have admitted, one day you will have them all for you, the next they are gone and you're second or LEFT IN THE VOID ON WONDER LAND, sad thing their USED VICTIM (the girlfriend) is the one that suffers the most at the end.. As I once told my gay boyfriend after watching the ALEXANDER MOVIE (Alexander the move portraits the world's greatest warrior a King that is homosexual and he has a male lover, but has to married a woman to procreate a kid and pass on his legacy) there is this scene where at his wedding night, his lover comes to Alexander crying and hurt because Alexander has to have sex with her and he is been left out, Alexander holds his face (which by the way it touch my heart and hurt more) and tells him: YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MY ONLY LOVE!.. Now, that is nice but as I said to my boyfriend (back then didn't know he was gay but i already have my doubts) SUCKS TO BE HER AH!.. HE SIAD: WHY? I siad: becuase she will never have him, his hart belongs to his lover.. I RATHER DIE BEFORE BEEN IN HER PLACE>> she is been totally used. So as an advice to those CONFUSED CLOSET GUYS OUT THERE>> BE CAREFUL IS MORE DELICATE THEN YOU THING, YOU CAN REALLY DESTROY A GIRLS LIFE FOR EVER... AND I'M SORRY... IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU>. Don't date straight girls please.. thanks you. Let them be free and leave a normal life, i know your pain and i respect it, that movie explains it, but don't drag her in with your pain that is selfish!!!

 

Good luck and be careful..

 

Marypoza

 

PS. Excuse my English. English is my fourth language.

[DN]

I think it is wrong to assume that he is gay because he has gay friends. He may be gay but he also may just like them as people.