Hi, I need some advice from you guys...

[edinburghguy]

Been in a relationship with my GF for 5 months now. Over the past month or so I have noticed a few things that are really sticking in my mind and are driving me crazy...

 

She has a membership to a site called faceparty which is an online community for people to chat/meet, see pictures of each other, primarily for member of the opposite sex to meet. She has this profile and uses it alot, most days. It does state she is in a relationship on it, but still she never talks about it, or mentions it and she is always on it. She falls out with me if I ask about it, or just ask if she gets many messages. I am getting so paraniod she is flirting with guys online.

 

Also her MSN has at least 25 guys on it which she chats to. I just keep thinking what she is chatting to them for.

 

Last night she came to stay, and she has a new mobile phone. So I asked to see it, just to have a wee look, its a nice phone! She more or less grabbed the phone off me and wouldnt let me have a good look at it. From what I saw, I seen a few texts from guys and a few calls also.

 

I dont know what to do. I want to trust her, but I feel like I need HER to tell me everything is ok and that she chats to friends etc...just the hiding of the phone has made me even more paranoid.

 

Thanks

 

E

[Vern]

I would be very careful if I were in your shoes. Does not sound to normal to me lad. I suggest you confront her / talk to her about this and clear your mind and your FEAR(S).

 

This is going to bug you for a long time still if you try and sail around it. Honesty in trust after 5-months are important ingredients to a healthy relationship.

 

Not sure the basis of the relationship - but I think you get my drift

 

Be careful with yourself. Look after yourself first here.

 

Regards

 

Vern

[edinburghguy]

Thanks Vern, much appreciated.

 

I have had a few different views on this issue, from other forums, people saying its my fault for being paranoid and also saying we should split up.

 

I just dont know what to say to her, I know if I say 'See last night, you where a bit weird with me looking at your phone' she will no doubt fall out with me.

 

Same with the internet thing as well. I dont want to spoil everything, its just this weird things happening that makes me think. And you are right, it is bothering me and its all I think about!

 

Argh!

[djedix]

I'll bet she's using the site to pick up guys, and she's talking to them/texting them. If she can't show you the phone, then theres something she doesnt want you to see. Red Flags everywhere

 

Confront her, ask her what is going on.

 

You have every right to know.

[Pixiemeat]

She, fall out with you? Get real. Say what you have to say, she's acting in a very odd way. If you can't trust her five months in, your relationship will not last much longer.

[Vern]

Now dont go and blame yourself for this. Relationships is also about creating boundaries (if grey areas appear such as this). You can go out and create them now. But this who she is (and will be after boundaries are created).

 

Don't take the blame. I would exactly feel the same as you. She is not executing behaviour conducive to your relationship. How open is she about all of this? How did you get to know about this in the first place? Obviously people have their pasts and their "secrets" - but to move and grow into a relationship there is certain No-Go areas. This is one of them.

 

Why / what does she have to justify to have so much attention? Try and discuss it with her. Maybe, just maybe she does have an uncertainty in terms of your relationship. I would rather speculate to say that this behaviour is embedded into her self / and very much there for lifting her self-esteem. How else is she behaving in terms of her confidence / relationships with parents, friends and her general self feeling.

[BellaDonna]

She has a membership to a site called faceparty which is an online community for people to chat/meet, see pictures of each other, primarily for member of the opposite sex to meet. She has this profile and uses it alot, most days. It does state she is in a relationship on it, but still she never talks about it, or mentions it and she is always on it. She falls out with me if I ask about it, or just ask if she gets many messages. I am getting so paraniod she is flirting with guys online.

 

I don't think you're being paranoid. Her membership to that dating site means she's still "keeping the door open" to meeting someone else.

 

If she gets defensive when you ask about it- that's not a good sign either.

 

I've noticed that people who have many "online" friends of the opposite sex tend to live in a fantasy world on the internet and also like a lot of attention, which they may not be getting in "real life". It can become an addiction.

 

She's showing you some very undesirable qualities early on. It's your choice what to do with them. The situation doesn't sound too promising. If I were you, I'd run.

 

BellaDonna

[Vert]

You're not being paranoid at all bro. My most recent ex-gf and my old ex-gf would pull this same nonsense when people would call, email, or txt them. They'd be very secretive and get inflamed at any questions or probing about who or what it was about. For example, my recent ex-gf got a txt once in the car and starting responding back and forth with this person. I just simply asked "who are you texting?" and she just responds "Do you really need to know everything?". IMO those are all HUGE red flags that are going up... Confront her with your concerns and if she continues to hide, be secretive, and get upset at questions then you need to drop her. Trust me, it'll save you a ton of grief in the long run because people like her cause tons of conflicts later and/or cheating.

[frustrated101]

Lets just say if she is being secretive she doesn't want you to know something. From my own experience having cheated on someone before I can tell you there is probably something there. From what you have said about the way she is acting and I know I acted the exact same way when I was seeing someone else other then my bf.

 

Good luck!

[Iceman26]

Dump her. Its not worth the headache. Anyone who advertises themselves on the internet like that is someone whom you shouldn't trust.

 

Let me put it to you point blank. If she were in a happy and committed relationship, she wouldn't feel the need to talk to other guys.

 

Her pulling the cell phone away shows she has something to hide.

[DN]

I agree with all the others. Let her go - even if she is not actually cheating she has no respect for your relationship.

[djedix]

or go look at my posts from like a month 1/2 ago, and you'll see what eventually happens.

[Mnews2006]

Just ask again what are those contacts about.

If you feel it is about flirting online and relantioshios, dump her immediately. You will probably hurt yourself later if this goes on.

[acuraman]

Either that is one special phone that she doesn't want you to touch, or there is something that she doesnt want you to see. When your with someone and they have secrets or are hiding things from you, its not worth it to be in those kinds of relationships.

 

You need to have a talk with her and confront her with your dilema.

[02frontierchico]

Thanks Vern, much appreciated.

 

I have had a few different views on this issue, from other forums, people saying its my fault for being paranoid and also saying we should split up.

 

I just dont know what to say to her, I know if I say 'See last night, you where a bit weird with me looking at your phone' she will no doubt fall out with me.

 

Same with the internet thing as well. I dont want to spoil everything, its just this weird things happening that makes me think. And you are right, it is bothering me and its all I think about!

 

Argh!

 

Yo i feel the pain. My girlfriend does the same things but one of her friends is an ex partner.................................

[jevonj77]

My advice is this...you might have lost her anyways if this problem is not corrected now....so don't stress about it.

 

You should simply tell her, that as a boyfriend...everyone knows that a relationship without complete honesty will not last.

 

Tell her that you are getting these feelings and that you need her to explain to you in such a way so that you can feel ok about it.

 

If she refuses...you might as well end it...because it is most likely coming and if not, the second one maybe. Where she could be cheating behind your back while still dating you. Both are bad.

[bronx_brawla]

oh boy...

 

this is why i dont trust girls.

 

ill get back to you on this one.

 

by the way...i was in the exact situation as you...exept i had no clue that she was on this sight. Come to find out she was on for 4 months without me knowing.

 

Oh and she told me that she'd never go on again. Meanwhile she was on that whole time.

 

i gotta go...ill finish it up later.

 

---bx

[randy]

sounds like trouble . Have a talk with her then ask to see that cell phone RIGHT after .

 

It may sound like you're being nosey but you have that right . You suspect something and she has to prove that she is not cheating behind your back .

[bronx_brawla]

Aright im back...

 

Like i said i was and still am in the same situation as you. Except im not with my girl anymore. We broke up roughly 4 months ago..before the summer. And then we got back for like a couple of days after the break up..and i found out that she went back to talking to her guyfriend that we had our very first fight about. Which she lied about. So when i found out that she went back to talking to him..i flipped out and i broke it off. I was so mad...that i just said "im done with this girl..im goin on this site". Its like all those other sights where you make a profile..and you put pics and all that crap. ok. So i was only on for about a week before she finally found out. And i knew she was gonna find out...sooner or later. But while i was on there i started talking to a couple of girls. But there was this one girl that really cought my eye. So i was into her more. We never met,,just talked. I had her # and her email and her screename. ok.

So when my ex found out...she was a mess. Crying..how could you do this so quikly..and screaming at me..and all this stuff. So after it was all said and done...we had plans to get back together. I was willing to get rid of everything i had from these girls. Yanno...i got rid of the all the numbers...i changed my number..i changed my screename..and i even blocked my email address from them..the whole nine yards..cuz they really didnt mean anything to me. And the only reason i got rid of everything was because SHE put herself on the site..to get me jelous and get me off. which it did...so thats why i got off.

aaaahhh..but theres a catch. She told me that she got off. 2 months later i find her on there still....with all thses pics of her showing her stomach...and all these guys arounde her...and all these comments that they leave her. I had no idea....but by then...i couldnt say nothing about it beacuse we werent together..plus she was going away to college..and i couldnt be with someone thats in college.

Theres so much more to this story its not even funny.

 

Bottom line...i felt so betrayed..and so mislead..that i couldnt breath. Not to mention the piles and piles of lies that she told me...and that i caught her in. She turned into this shallow girl that just likes to flirt and show off and go to clubs. This is teh same girl that told me..that shes not into those type of things. Plus she started hanging out with the wrong girls and people. She wasnt the wholesome sweet girl that i met anymore. Since she stayed on the site...she started getting compliments...and it went to her head.

I even just recently found out that shes in a bikini contest last night. lololol...I had to laugh or else i would have cried.

 

Why do girls change like this???...I'll never know. I think its beacuse they need attention and they're very insecure people. Not all..but most.

 

Moral of the story?: Dont trust girls.

 

Get outta there man...shelll just hide more stuff from you.

---bx

[BellaDonna]

Why do girls change like this???...I'll never know. I think its beacuse they need attention and they're very insecure people.

 

I think that's definitly the reason some people change for the worse....however.....

 

Moral of the story?: Dont trust girls.

 

I'm not sure if that's the true moral of the story. I think it should be more like: Don't trust people who need a lot of attention and who are insecure.

 

There's no need to stereotype all of womankind due to a few rotton bananas in the bunch.

 

There are plenty of women out there who DON'T act like this. You guys had bad luck. Don't lose hope for finding a normal woman and having a normal relationship.

 

 

BellaDonna

[bronx_brawla]

Why do girls change like this???...I'll never know. I think its beacuse they need attention and they're very insecure people.

 

I think that's definitly the reason some people change for the worse....however.....

 

Moral of the story?: Dont trust girls.

 

I'm not sure if that's the true moral of the story. I think it should be more like: Don't trust people who need a lot of attention and who are insecure.

 

There's no need to stereotype all of womankind due to a few rotton bananas in the bunch.

 

There are plenty of women out there who DON'T act like this. You guys had bad luck. Don't lose hope for finding a normal woman and having a normal relationship.

 

 

BellaDonna

 

im sorry...i dont mean to say all of them. Its just that..the way i'v been going ever since i started dating and from what i'v seen and witnessed and found...it duzzent look like that theres any good girls out there anymore.

 

Plus another problem im gonna have is to trust the next girl i meet. I'm so used to being betrayed that i might not give the next girl the chance. Giving your heart to someone is a big risk. Your putting your feelings in there hands and sitting back watching what their gonna do with it. I dont know if i can go thru this all over again.

 

How would i overcome this fear of getting hurt again and going thru suffering? I'm asking cuz i know ur very knowledgable. thank you

 

--bx

[BellaDonna]

Plus another problem im gonna have is to trust the next girl i meet. I'm so used to being betrayed that i might not give the next girl the chance. Giving your heart to someone is a big risk. Your putting your feelings in there hands and sitting back watching what their gonna do with it. I dont know if i can go thru this all over again.

 

How would i overcome this fear of getting hurt again and going thru suffering? I'm asking cuz i know ur very knowledgable. thank you

 

I suggest that you focus on the positive qualities you want in a girlfriend. You can do this by writing down the most important qualities you are looking for, and narrowing down that list to four. For example: knows what she wants in life, has the goal of a commited relationship, comfortable in her own skin, likes to give attention as well as receive it)

 

It is possible to learn if someone you are dating has these qualities. You can do this by guiding your conversations to topics of trust, respect, faithfulness, commitment etc. Talking about is one paart of the equation. Then you have to observe. Although some people are great manipulators with words-they almost always still give you a clue about their true character with their actions.

 

You can look for someone who respects and has a high regard for commitment/trust, whose mother treated her father well, and who feels that her parents' own good relationship is something she would like to emulate. (This doesn't mean you should avoid women with divorced parents- but sometimes a parents marriage can influence a child's relationships- so if she has a strong family bond and parents who are role models- it can be a factor) You can also observe how your girlfriend acts toward her own family members, and friends. (For instance- does she smile to their faces and then talk about them to you very viciously later- is she a fake? OR is she genuine?)

 

Surely there are plenty of women, who possess these positive character traits.

 

My best advice would be get to know someone as well as you can before you give them your heart. Start off as friends first before you let passion or puppy love take over. You don't want to be in love already and blinded to the CLUES a person will give you about their true character early on. You want to be able to detect red flags when they present themselves. Think back to yourself about the girls that have betrayed you...in hindsight were there any indictations early on that you may have overlooked that gave you a preview to the type of people they were (fake)? For instance for the guy who orignally posted this topic- his GF's current behavior is a HUGE RED FLAG. (This is not to blame him, or you for staying with such women and getting hurt- but just an exercise to show you that you should trust your gut and be confident in your ability to read others).

 

I hope this helps,

 

BellaDonna

[bronx_brawla]

You can look for someone who respects and has a high regard for commitment/trust, whose mother treated her father well, and who feels that her parents' own good relationship is something she would like to emulate. (This doesn't mean you should avoid women with divorced parents- but sometimes a parents marriage can influence a child's relationships- so if she has a strong family bond and parents who are role models- it can be a factor)

 

wow..its funny that you said that...cuz her parents are separated. And theres no father figure around to give authority so everyones outta hand. And i had a feeling it had something to do with it.

thanx again for the reply

you really gave me different way to look at it.

 

---bx