Why are marriges so hard?

[funnyCAgirl]

Two people fall in love, they have checked off their long list of criteria for a soul mate: ambition, similar goals, similar sense of humor, attraction, friends, commitment.... and then they get married.

 

Why is it that you can have all that to start and then as the marriage goes on it just disappears. Couples take each other for granted, fight and all of the sudden the little differences in goals are huge.

[melrich]

Because people continually change. At 20 you don't want what you wanted at 10 and at 30 you don't want what you wanted at 20 and so on.

 

Some couples grow apart as they change, some grow together.

[shes2smart]

Ditto what melrich said.

 

Also, there's a lot of focus on attracting someone and getting into a relationship....precious little attention on maintaining a relationship. (Or to quote Jimmy Buffet "Relationships -- we all want 'em, we all got 'em...what do we do with 'em???") Unless a conscious effort is made on a daily basis to maintain a relationship (or anything else for that matter) over time, it will deteriorate.

 

Deterioration/growing apart is not inevitable. After 3 years of marriage, my husband and I still prefer to hang out with each other than anything else we could do separately or with other people. But that's because we both put in the necessary effort on a day-to-day basis. Little things like listening, being flexible, treating each other respectfully and with as much (if not more) courtesy as you'd extend to a stranger all add up over time.

 

We've had very few disagreements since we met and no screaming, knock-down, drag-out fights.

 

It also helps if BOTH partners think of themselves as part of a team rather than two individuals. If you're a team that implies shared goals, and looking out for one another. Compare that with some relationships where only one person is thinking in terms of "us" or both partners act only out of self-interest and you can see where there would be a huge difference in the overall relationship.

[kungfumaster]

Yes... marriage is hard work. Whoever thought everyone lived happily ever after should be shot! I guess you do live happily, but at the level where you are happy because you have to do the work required to keep a healthy, loving and growing relationship, e.g., marriage.

 

Yes... people continually change. That is why when two people marry, they should be strong in themselves, in their own identity, in who they are, in who they want to be. Otherwise, when one of the partners goes through a crisis, or is sick, then the other must be strong (or flexible in some cases) in themselves, in their own identity, and have enough faith in their relationship to keep it together (ditto goes for the one going through crisis or sickness). It is hard... I know, but is shouldn't be too hard.

 

I see it everyday through my parents, my friends, my siblings relationships. Even in my own.

[Celadon]

Well, lots of times it's hard because people want to marry perfection, not a real live human being with flaws and stuff. Dealing with the *real* person you married is the "work" part of marriage.

 

It also takes a balancing act to maintain your identity while also maintaining the relationship. If one person becomes too selfish, it throws things off.

 

Marriage fundamentally has to be rooted in wanting to share the other person's life, and have them share yours. Sure, you can have goals as a couple too, but mostly you have to make the time and effort to enjoy and respect your partner.

[studygirl]

Because people continually change. At 20 you don't want what you wanted at 10 and at 30 you don't want what you wanted at 20 and so on.

 

Some couples grow apart as they change, some grow together.

 

 

So true. That is what I think is the hardest thing about relationships, how do you know if you are going to change in the same way as your partner, or if not the same way, in a COMPATIBLE way? Is that a realistic thing to believe? Even with the best intentions, you can't guarantee that, right? At this point in my life, I look back at so many of my ex boyfriends and I honestly have no idea what I was doing with them...they are not my type at all, but at the time they were. I am not a commitment-phobe, but I don't know how realistic it is to believe that I will find someone who in 10, 20, 30 years will still be compatible. I mean, I don't think I am compatible with MYSELF from 5 years ago!

[shes2smart]

So true. That is what I think is the hardest thing about relationships, how do you know if you are going to change in the same way as your partner, or if not the same way, in a COMPATIBLE way? Is that a realistic thing to believe? Even with the best intentions, you can't guarantee that, right? At this point in my life, I look back at so many of my ex boyfriends and I honestly have no idea what I was doing with them...they are not my type at all, but at the time they were. I am not a commitment-phobe, but I don't know how realistic it is to believe that I will find someone who in 10, 20, 30 years will still be compatible. I mean, I don't think I am compatible with MYSELF from 5 years ago!

 

What I've noticed in my own life is the rate of change within oneself tends to slow down over time. Who I was at 20 bore little resemblance to who I was at 30....however who I was at 30 had much more in common with who I was at 40. The more experiences you have and the more things you try, the better you get to know yourself. The better you know yourself, the better equipped you are to handle being in/building a (healthy, sane, balanced, mature, flexible, growing) relationship.

 

If your partner has a similar level of self-knowledge, I think it gives the relationship better odds of being successful. People who know themselves well, and who know they are capable of being whole and complete and fine on their own make better marriage material, IMO. Why? Because they are less likely to have unrealistic expectations of a partner in terms of fulfulling their needs. It works better when you don't NEEEEEEEED each other, but rather choose to be with one another.

 

Another thing I've noticed...BOTH partners have to want to be married for the "right" reasons. Those would be a desire to share each others' lives and to build a life together. Get married for reasons like: family/societal pressure or expectation, she's pregnant, "all" their friends are getting married, and so on, and you're going to add layers of complexity and difficulty to what can be a challenging relationship under the best of circumstances.

 

I didn't get married until a few months after my 38th birthday. Some people I had known for much of my life assumed I would never get married...heck, I kinda thought that myself for a while. I wasn't ready to make that kind of commitment and make the kind of compromises a good marriage takes until I was past my mid-30's. I knew myself well enough to know that, and turned down 2 proposals prior to the one I accepted. I suppose if someone wants children, a late marriage like mine is ill-advised, but for the most part I just don't understand how people can get married in their late teens or in their twenties. There's so much about life most people that age don't know --- and most of them aren't even aware they don't know! I don't know that much at 41, but I'm aware of the fact that I don't have it figured out....I can't say that about my 21-year-old self.

 

I believe that if you don't build a good relationship with YOURSELF first, you will have a difficult time building a good relationship with someone else.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Have any of you ladies ever considered you take way to much for granted and you alientate men by making something huge out of something that could be trivial? Part of the reason why people grow apart is inflexibility.

[Angela]

What great input on marriage. I agree that people can grow apart and that even just one person not really caring to maintain a relationship can really hurt a marriage.

[novaseeker]

I suppose if someone wants children, a late marriage like mine is ill-advised, but for the most part I just don't understand how people can get married in their late teens or in their twenties. There's so much about life most people that age don't know --- and most of them aren't even aware they don't know! I don't know that much at 41, but I'm aware of the fact that I don't have it figured out....I can't say that about my 21-year-old self..

 

I totally agree that there are real risks when you marry in the 20s because you change a lot during the course of the 20s. I saw that in my own marriage, where my ex, who was 24 when we married, changed dramatically between 24 and 30 in ways that neither of us could have anticipated, and incompatibilities emerged because her personality had not yet 'set', if you know what I mean.

 

I think what happens is a combination of wanting to have kids and seeing everyone else getting married. In other words, there is a fear that if you don't get married when everyone else is, you're going to be left with 'slim pickins' once the 'first wave' or marrying activity is finished (lets say thats between 18 and 29-30) ... the ironic thing is that this mentality can lead to 'settling' for someone, which leads to issues later on. And the issue about having kids is also overblown: women can bear children in their early 30s as well, but again conventional wisdom leads many who wish to have kids to get married in their 20s and start families in their 20s ... which can be problematic because of the other personality changes that are still taking place in the 20s. And while average ages for first marriages crept up for many years, in recent years it has begun again to creep down towards younger first marriages. I don't really see the trend of most people choosing to get married at some point in their 20s as changing in the near term, really.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Have any of you ladies ever considered you take way to much for granted and you alientate men by making something huge out of something that could be trivial? Part of the reason why people grow apart is inflexibility.

 

I agree with the inflexibility.

[Shadows Light]

ohhh I don't know about the inflexibility part. Heck, I was too flexible if anything...and then I got to the point of inelasticity. I could flex no more. How much does one person bend??? when is it enough??

 

And there's the rub. When its one sided and one person is working thier butt off it doesn't work.

 

If one person has a problem in a relationship...both people have the problem.

 

There are no winners when a break occurs. Its total obliteration. Not only is the couple affected, but thier family and friends. It's like a nuclear holocaust. Its a sad sad state of affairs.

 

At the break in my marriage... I think I was being paid a lot of lip service. "I know I used you horribly. I took you for granted. I did this ..and I did that... I didn't do this.. I didn't to that....." and what?? He was shocked that I had no feelings left for him. How can this be? and how did it end up? Well.. he took back all those admissions and it was "all" my fault. Nice.

 

Marriage is a lot of work. It takes work by both spouses. Daily. Its all the little things. Its sharing each others lives. Being there for one another. Helping each other. Wanting the other's happiness and wanting the other to succeed. And it takes both pulling that way. Not just one.

[darkblue]

ohhh I don't know about the inflexibility part. Heck, I was too flexible if anything...and then I got to the point of inelasticity. I could flex no more. How much does one person bend??? when is it enough??

 

And there's the rub. When its one sided and one person is working thier butt off it doesn't work.

 

If one person has a problem in a relationship...both people have the problem.

 

Amen!

[Celadon]

ohhh I don't know about the inflexibility part. Heck, I was too flexible if anything...and then I got to the point of inelasticity. I could flex no more. How much does one person bend??? when is it enough??

 

And there's the rub. When its one sided and one person is working thier butt off it doesn't work.

 

If one person has a problem in a relationship...both people have the problem.

 

Amen!

 

Double amen!

 

About inflexibility: The amazing thing is that people don't realize how flexible their partners/dates/friends are being a lot of the time.

 

When someone finally pipes up to say, "Hey, this is an issue for me," it's usually not because it only happened once. It probably happened 20 times and the person kept excusing it until they finally couldn't take it anymore. They might even have been bringing up the issue in subtle ways that were ignored by the other person.

[Bethany]

"It's often not lack of love but lack of friendship that make unhappy marriages".

"When marrying, ask yourself this question: Do you believe that you will be able to converse well with this person into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory______ Friedrich Nietzche

[bytheway]

" Marriage is long term commitment and marriage is work in progress and takes daily work..Marriage isn't going to be all good times..when we're sharing a life with someone on full times basis..and no marriage that lasts forever is going to be perfect..Part of fun is the journey and working things out...Marriage is not something that you walk casually away from when yo have a "change of heart" that is why is so hard!!....well, i would say..if our feelings tried..then take a break..dont be rush!! when we're feeling better..then keep going..Dont give up!! "

[Serendipity1607307077]

People do change as they get older...

 

I guess the major change is the introduction of children and the common slowing of a female's sex drive after she has had children.

 

What I can't understand is that people think that marriage should change everything... I have decided when I get married that all it is going to change is my last name...