introvert having a hard time meeting girls

[sentencedtoagony]

hi, i'm a pretty quiet reserved guy, never been incredibly social and have a real hard time pretending to be anything other than that.

 

i went out with a couple of friends to meet with a larger group of people at a bar. i found myself being the only one standing off to the side, sipping on my beer and sort of hoping not to be noticed as the social outcast. in the group there was this one girl that i found pretty attractive and she even seemed to be hitting on me, but i just couldn't think of what to say to her. later on, i went to her house with the group and as she was taking off her shoes she asked me if i like them. i said yes. as i was leaving, she said come back again...anytime. she didn't say it in the way people say just to be polite. the words seemed to be emphasized in a way that said "i want you to come back and hang out with me."

 

i said "ok" enthusiastically, but failed to get a number for any further contact.

 

anyway, it sucks.

 

there are attractive girls all around, but i have a hard time being the outgoing type.

 

i have a hard time trying to be anything other than how/who i am. i almost feel like i don't want a girl if i have to be someone else for her.

 

any advice?

 

thanks

[Beec]

If you want to chang ethis, then you need to learn some skills on how to. Maybe, get a few things to lean on to make it easier as you start.

 

I have tried to learn some skills by forcing myself to do things and reading about how others think you should improve these skills. Some have simple suggestions. Half-smiling at people and looking in their eyes is a grea thign to do. It's you paying attention to them, an gets a great reaction. Try talking more to the people behind the cash register when you buy things is an easy way to practice. Look at someone's face when they talk. Etc.

 

For an example of a crutch, one that worked for me was when I would tell myself, and no one else, that I was acting like I was James Bond for the night. Actually trying to act like I was in the role, while still using my real name.

[Jetta]

That's more reserved than normal, really. I know I'm a lot like that myself, and my therapist believes I have a form of anxiety. Do you notice that when you drink you are more talkative, more outgoing, etc.? If so than you likely have a form of anxiety as well. I've been told anti-depressants help. I'm actually going to start them today and see if it helps me.

[fireflies]

Being reserved is hard, but I think you're dwelling on the wrong there. An attractive girl -- you actually like -- hit on you at least 3 times that evening. She clearly was interested and would have given you her number if you had asked. If that's not good fortune staring you in the face, I don't know what is!

 

I think being shy/reserved is like any phobia. You need gradual exposure to what makes you fearful/anxious to get over it. Instead of practicing on girls you like, start a few steps lower. Like Beec said try making small talk to cashiers, kids, seniors, people you're waiting in line with and work your way up to co-workers, girls you're not interested in, and finally people who make your heart skip a beat.

 

Instead of focusing on what you don't want to happen, focus on what you might have in common with others. This is why people ask all those inane questions like "How are you?" "What do you do for a living?" "Seen any good movies lately?" etc. We're looking for common ground. While the pressure's off, why not see how many of those inane questions you can come up with now? This way the next time you're out, you'll be ready to make small talk with anyone at any time.

 

Be playful. When she mentioned her shoes, I would have said something silly like, "Yes, but they're not quite me." Focus on trying to have fun yourself and these quips will come naturally.

 

If you have to change who you are, then you're right she probably isn't the one for you. But at this stage where you don't know each other very well, it's pointless to be asking yourself that kind of self-defeating question. Just be yourself, sincerely interested in learning more about others, and see where that carries you.

 

If I were you, I'd drop her a line with your number and a rose. Ask her if she's free this weekend to go shoe shopping This way you get to admire her legs and she can play dress up with your feet!

[anonymous_presence]

What the people wrote above is good advice: try starting small and then working your way up to talking to girls of interest. The important thing is to develop skills, but also to develop a sense of comfort with who you are and how you behave around other people. I know it's difficult to try to close the gap between how you act around others and who you truly are, but if you keep inhibiting and isolating yourself, you really aren't going to get anywhere. It's best to just start small in situations that you feel comfortable. Remember that no one's expecting anything from you, and that by sitting off to the side, you're just closing yourself off from the social circle, and once you find comfort away from the social arena, it's difficult to stray from it. But trust me, once you do and become more social, you'll see that it's definitely worth it!

[DropToZero]

This is your own phobia...or whatever, you have to get yourself out of this shell and you need a drive of some sort. I don't think I was quite as reserved as you are in the past, but you have got to just...get out of your safe zone. You care too much what people think of you, that's why you more than likely don't talk to new people too much, and that's a fear that could control you for a long time. You're too worried about saying the wrong thing to be confident in yourself and have a good time.

 

Luckily, this girl still seems interested...no matter how shy you were...so you may be able to save it.

 

as she was taking off her shoes she asked me if i like them. i said yes

 

Personally...that was an opening to easily flirt with this girl, and you let it go by. I would have told her no in a playful way...found some reason to make fun of them a little, but still have her know I'm kidding and not truly serious. More than likely would have earned some physical contact of some sort thru that...and I don't mean a literal right hook, just a playful punch on the shoulder at least.

 

i said "ok" enthusiastically, but failed to get a number for any further contact.

 

Wouldn't have said that either...would have been like "maybe, I might come back, but....you gotta be waiting for me with (certain favorite drink of yours)" or something and cracked a smile. If you get together with her again...don't screw it up, ask for her number....it'll get easier to ask for other girls numbers the more you do it. Just like anything in this world...everything takes practice.

[sentencedtoagony]

That's more reserved than normal, really. I know I'm a lot like that myself, and my therapist believes I have a form of anxiety. Do you notice that when you drink you are more talkative, more outgoing, etc.? If so than you likely have a form of anxiety as well. I've been told anti-depressants help. I'm actually going to start them today and see if it helps me.

 

Sometimes I feel like my brain is out of whack for sure in social situations. I will catch myself worrying more about making eye contact and trying to look interested than even being able to concentrate on what is being said. The weird thing is, I used to be able to socialize just fine.

 

When I drink -- unless I get really drunk around people I've known for a while -- I tend to get even more isolated.

 

I was at a party a while back. I didn't know anyone there except the female acquaintance that invited me. This one girl there -- i remember being attracted to her when I first showed up -- pretended (or it certainly seemed like it) to trip and fell in my lap. Then she asked me why I was so shy. I gave some lame answer as usual like "I dunno." If I remember correctly, she even wanted me to have a shot with her and her friends. At one point she began dancing against me and I who have never really danced didn't know what to do. She did it again later. Then she sort of drifted off and started talking with other people. I saw her dancing with some other guy and just said to myself "to hell with it."

 

maybe part of it has to with having been in a very long term relationship. i don't know. it's frustrating. i feel like the older i get, the more time i waste not finding someone, the more my options diminish. maybe that's a silly way of thinking. i'm not sure.

[sentencedtoagony]

thanks to everyone for posting.

 

i actually got the girl's number yesterday through a chain of friends, but apparently she said something like "sure, why not, i'd have someone else to talk to" or something like that. and apparently she's dating 2 guys already!?

 

oh well.

 

i will try to act on some of the advice you all have given here.

 

the thing is, i almost don't know how to behave at all. i've lived in the same city my whole life and even though i was sick of it, i really understood it and the way of life. now, i am in a new place. i don't really have any friends. i've never as an adult had to meet friends or date girls. all of my family and friends i have known for so long and it's almost like they've always been there. i've had the same girlfriend for nearly 10 years.