Craziest Feeling

[Nerve_Net]

Nice song by Orange Juice, by the way..

 

Umm anyway... this is hard to describe. I.. don't know how to describe this, but I'll just go on with it: I want love. That is a hugely flawed statement, but I'll go with it.

 

To put everything in a nutshell, I've been bullied from the ages of 9-12, I still have verbal bullying and the occasional physicial jibe now and again, at 17. I've never had a girlfriend, I've never... been hugged or kissed, or even touched by a girl (aside from family, and affection I get from family is... not often). And the truth is, I don't know what screwed up notion I have in my head, but I feel like I want affection. Recently, I've had a lot of turbulence in my life, not telling a girl how I felt before we broke up for Summer Holidays and I've felt bad about that (I'll come onto her later), I've had... something of two nervous breakdowns, almost straight after that my best friend died, then it was the funeral.... y'know.

 

I feel like I'm so... unworthy of anyone. I don't think I'm good enough for any girl, anywhere, anytime. I feel like I'm ugly, pathetic, I'd probably get too attached, I'd be too overtly romantic. I don't go out, I don't go clubbing, I'm not in any clubs (there aren't any around here anywhere, which I know sounds like the 'same-old' excuse, but there isn't). My failure with women is legendary. But I've put my past failures behind me, you know, what's the point in dwelling and all that.

 

But this girl I mentioned earlier, the basic story is, in December I went on a school trip to London, and this girl tried to (seemingly) get close to me. I didn't reciprocate, because I had an online relationship, which fell apart in January ironically. In late February/March I realised I actually did like her. I actually tried to 'hang around' with her on another trip to Belgium, I bought her a drink (as well as her friends, I had a good excuse ).... and... I still couldn't ask her out or anything. We've talked sporadically, but she does look at me and smile and she does the hair thing. It might be just myth, but... y'know, I don't dismiss it, and I'm sure that she likes me. However...

 

In about May, I asked her if she "wanted to do something sometime", since I'm so unaccustomed to asking anyone out. She said she'd "get back to me"... I assumed it was a "No" but polite. But then she still looked at me in the same way. I realised I liked her... a lot, and I wanted to ask her out or tell her or whatever before we broke up for Summer Holidays. I never got the confidence or the chance, and.... as pathetic and overtly romantic as I sound, I feel... lonely without her in my life. I'm just being stupid I guess. But I have no idea what to do when we go back in September... should I just get over it, or try and tell her something, ANYTHING, or just... leave it as it is... I'm just so confused about that.

 

And this is all just combining with my lonely feeling. I am getting so lonely and depressed.... I know a relationship doesn't solve everything in your life, I just want someone here to comfort me and hold me and stuff.... it's not about sex at all (I'm not saying I don't want sex, not at all, I just don't think it's that important in a relationship), I just want some comfort in my life. Preferrably, I'd want it with this girl, but... I'm so confused on that, and I don't want to be alone anymore, I feel so scared of being alone. And these feelings are just tearing me up inside... I feel like I'm nothing worth living anymore.

[jordan_2]

wow,

 

it seems that you genuinly want love in life and let me tell you, there aren't a lot of guys that just want pure love (without the sex).

 

I think myself that it is special to have that bond with someone and know that you are wanted, and no I don't think that you should downsize yourself...

the fact that you are socializing with the opposite sex is phenomenal and I think that you are doing great by building a foundation with her first...and I understand that you are scared to lose one of the few people who showed you that they love you, but you have to go for it man!! I think you're gonna do fine, just when you get back in september, be conifdent in yourself, cuz that'll show when you're talking with her...if you genuinly think that you're good enuff for her, then she will get that sense from you and then you cann go from there.

 

But just remember to be genuine, and be open, but don't let that great personality trait backfire on you ok bud?

 

and let me state it again...I think its actually quite beautiful that you're searching for true love, rather than the shallow one night stand-ish type relationship that most men seem to vie for...

 

good luck!!!!

 

tell us how it goes with mrs. right...

 

p.s. if it doesn't work out with her, remember, there's someone in the world that is going to find their way to you when you least expect it...