Why do I feel like it's not over? Daily Log..

[juls28]

I feel like denial is getting me through the hard parts. but the worst part will be when I hear he's with someone else. I am banking on my long distance thing to keep me from knowing about it.

I can't accept this, but I don't want to be a moron about this either.

you're plan for NC and disappearing into your friends and work is ideal, though extremely difficult. sometimes I am dialing his number even though every bone in my body is like , "stop!"

I know what you mean about the other one not being as upset. it drives me crazy. he says things like "well, I know how hard this is fo ryou..." what? we were serious for five years! it's only been a month. I know he's hurting because he calls and tells me how sad and upset he is...but then later pretends he wasn't.

[Fivek]

FCTex, I totally get what you mean in your last post.

 

However, I think its best for the both of us to fully believe in the fact that they will never return.

 

It is much better to be surprised than disappointed. And although my ex will remain in my life through external connections, it is best not to depend on those connections to rekindle anything.

 

As for the constant questioning, I empathize with you. I myself wonder why exactly it happened, but truth be told, we did nothing wrong except to love those that don't love us back.

 

So many women go through this period of change, its best to just let go.

 

My biggest problem right now is starting up the dating process again. I just don't have faith in young women. Every time I think I'm about to start something, I already predict it being doomed, and thus, never start it in the first place. Any ideas on how to get over this?

 

Lately I've been very angry toward the ex, especially since she's having the time of her life with her new boyfriend and new setting. Why do I feel so left behind?

 

I'm not afraid of the future, I'm afraid of the present.

 

Some days I get so angry I want nothing more than to just burn the final bridges with her, bury the hatchet, walk away permanently with my head held high in defiance and anger. Yet I know in the end, I would regret it.

[FCTex]

Thanks for your reply bud..

 

I'm totally with you man. Just be surprised. I'm goint to continue my NC with my ex. It's been one week since we've had ANY kinda of contact. She called last Tuesday.. I didnt answer, and we texted that evening, when I inquired about the call.

 

I can let go.. I really can, but you know what I've realized.. I don't full want to. I'm going to heal myself even more, in the coming days and weeks perhaps. I'm going to see if I get any contact out of her.. I don't really care if I do or not. Because I'm going to contact her one last time, when I really feel the moment is right..

 

She will answer my calls, and I firmly believe she will be open to meeting up.. I'm going to take it as it happens, and I'm going to bring us up. I honestly, feel like I've let go atleast enough that I'm accepting the fact that her and I are done. That she'll be someone elses in a matter of time. My heart says try again. My mind says go away. I will try again, because I'll regret this for the rest of my life. I'm heartbroken already, I can't get any worse.

 

I will protect myself though.. and like you, I find myself getting angry.. Atleast a few times a day, I get mad at her, and the situation. I get mad that I feel like I was lied to. I feel like I was taken for a fool! I want nothing more than to burn every bridge I have with her. I want to just let it rip, and tell her how I feel, what I've done in the last 7 weeks. How awesome I feel lately..

 

But in the end of it all, even in my mind, I realize how silly it would be. It would be pointless, shallow, and not very mature. I'm not like that. I can't treat someone that I love like that, regardless of the circumstances. I will still see her around. I know that regardless if she contacts me soon, or if I do it in a few weeks, that we will still have a way of contact, or knowing of each other.. Simply because of her family and my job.. I'm not banking on that keeping us in contact..

 

I feel better about myself, more than ever. I'm not dwelling on the past, or the bad.. I'm honestly, feeling good. I'm having some down times, but I think those are natural and I'm not beating myself up over them. I'm just more scared than anything. I feel taken... I feel just alone. I feel like I'm not really moving like I should.. I'm kinda stuck. I'm not doing bad, but I'm just kinda of like, "what next?"

 

Fivek,

 

I tried dating someone else.. I've even been out, talking to other women, and sure I would normally be intrested, my kinda women.. But I just don't try.. I do.. for the sake of a womans attention. I crave it.. I just don't put myself into the game. I don't really try. I'm really mysterious, I'm kinda kept, I don't let too much out about me. I just hold back. I hate that I'm doing. I just don't trust anyone right now. I can't be hurt like this. I'm worried that eventually, all relationships come to an end like this, and I'm so scared to just naturally put my heart and mind into something again, and just let things happen, because i REALLY don't want to do this again.

 

However, I'm finding that I'm consciously thinkin about my ex with other women.. I will kiss another girl, and I will compare.. I feel like everything is not up to par, because I'm so used to the touch, the feel, the smells, the emotions.. Just the whole package, of when I would kiss, or touch my ex.. I'm working on though, and atleast I'm realizing it. I'm giving in ever so much.. Just trying to have fun.

 

 

I'm doing good tonight. Anyone who needs to insperational type of rock music, look up "The Fray".. You can PM me for songs.. "She Is" "Over my Head" and "Look After You" are great!

[FCTex]

When you least expect it.......

 

The words of my life..

 

Here I am tonight.. Feeling pretty good. Fighting wanting to call her, text her.. Fighting to just want to blow it all off, and tell her to screw herself and to not bother even trying to be a friend to me, ever..

 

I can't do that, so who was I kidding..

 

 

I'm sitting around.. Talking to this girl online, and guess who!?

 

My phone rings, I go over to get it, and I see my ex's picture on the front of the phone. I left it on there, who knows why, but.. as the phone is ringing, and I have it in my hand.. I start to shake.. I don't know why.. I'm still shaking.

 

She let it ring the full rings, until last week.. She didn't leave a voice mail.. I'm not calling her back I don't think.. I'm not texting eitheir... I wonder if she'll call back soon enough?

 

I freakin KNEW she would call me tonight, I just sensed it. It's been a week since we had ANY kinda of contact... She must atleast still be thinkin about me..

 

I'm not going to jump to any conclusions. She more than likely just wanted to talk, see how I was. Wanted to do nothing more than make herself feel better about all of this, knowing that I'm okay, and that I'm still talking to her.. Or that I'm a friend, and she can call to see whats up, once a week, when she wants too.

 

I think not.. It's not going to be that way.

 

Ugh..

 

Should I contact her back tomorrow if she doesn't contact before then again? God that was hard to ignore. I really do wanna have some contact with her, but part of me says NO.. I wanna see if she'll try again, if she's starting to think of me more.

[FCTex]

So.. I've thought about it sometime today.. about her calling me.

 

She called me last week too.. Didnt leave a message, didnt let it ring all the way.. Last week I texted her and she replied, several times after she rang me.

 

I didnt contact her back last night. I didnt contact her today eitheir, at all. I fought it so so so hard...

 

I'm kinda starting to look at NC, in a different approach..

 

A relationship takes two people. Two people to work. So does a fight. So does a break up.. NC takes one person.

 

NC will not get you the girl back. In most cases, to start over, and try again, it can't be at the will one just one person. It can't be just one person doing all the work, all the talking, all the answers and all the questions.. The other person has to put their guard back down, and try it too..

 

I'm not going to contact my ex back. Nothing. As hard as this is to do. I'm getting what I want, somewhat, and I'm fighting thinking about what she wanted, and how she'll act...

 

I think I will wait until she calls again.. perhaps.. I wont answer it.. and see if she leaves a voicemail, or a text.. if she doesn't I'll call back shortly after..

 

I can't ignore her. I wont stoop to that level. I'm protecting my heart is all.. I won't push any contact she wants to the side. I need to be open to it I think.. just let her know that I'm not always so easy to get if all she wants is to say hi. I wont be intrested in that.

[ecg1228]

NC will not get you the girl back. In most cases, to start over, and try again, it can't be at the will one just one person. It can't be just one person doing all the work, all the talking, all the answers and all the questions.. The other person has to put their guard back down, and try it too..

 

This is why I am more intent on keeping no contact. The other person HAS to let their pride down - or whatever it is - and make the effort as well. We can't be the one always trying to see if we can reconcile. I learned a lesson from the last time with an ex a few years ago. If they don't want it, there's nothing you can do to change it most of the time. This time with my present relationship that seems to be ending...I want him to make the effort. I need to see how much he wants me because that is what made this relationship go downhill in the first place - I was the one that was usually giving. If he does want me back, but isn't man enough to be the one to speak up, I WILL move on. If he doesn't want me back and doesn't contact me, then no contact from me is even more important. You not only risk getting hurt and losing your dignity, but you also live on false hopes and go crashing again.

[FCTex]

SO..

 

 

I broke it. I'm such a sucker. I texted her. I felt like I was being rude to her. I felt like I wasnt being the grown up I am, and ignoring her. I wasn't expecting anything from it. Honestly.

 

I simply told her I was sorry I missed her call. I was asleep. That I've been very busy, and that I'm pretty sick. I told her she could call if she wanted to still..

 

I didnt get an answer back for a while. I didnt really care. I didnt need one. I felt better that I acknowledged her, because I'm going to less contact here. Not no contact... I felt better for it for a change. The contact made me feel better.. Call me crazy.

 

 

She called me againt tonight. I didnt pick it up right away, and she didnt leave a message again.. I waited a little, and called her. I was surprised.. I told her I was on the other phone with my dad overseas.. and asked if it was okay if i called back. She said it was fine, and that she wanted me to call back..

 

 

I'm about to call. I just had to clear my head and go do some stuff.. I think it's a subtle step that she didnt ignore my message. The fact that she's calling again, 2 days in a row. And that she could have easily sent a text message, or nothing for that matter, but chose to call..

 

Atleast she has some respect, or she's finally coming to grips with it all, and it's finality or something. I'm fine with it.. I move on the more and more I talk to her.

 

I'll keep it updated!

[FCTex]

I called her back..

 

She was with her roommates at the liquor store.. I smiled when she picked up and I said. Hey! I was pretty upbeat, but I coughed(I'm sick) and she said hi, and was coughing too.. I laughed and said that we both didnt sound really hot tonight. She laughed and quickly agreed. She then told me she was at the store.. I then said.. Okay.. well, Do you want me to let you call me back when your done or something? She said yeah, I'll call when I get back to my apartment and we can talk then.

 

Well.. I was fine then. Then I'm online, doing nothing and she's been online all day, away. She messages me. And she never has in the past.. Says.

 

Hey..... I think I'm going to go to bed, I keep coughing and I feel terrible. Can I call you tomorrow?

 

I let it go for a while.. unanswered.. She's playing games..

 

I just said. "Ok".. She said , "I'm sorry.. I just can't breathe I'm coughing so hard, I went to the store to get my roommate some beer." "I hope you feel better tonight and goodnight"

 

I didnt know what to say, so I just said.. "You too. Night."

 

She's a cop out.. That was seriously childish, and manipulative.. I dont care that she didnt want to talk, sure, she was coughing pretty bad, and I could tell in her voice, but come on..

 

I'll be very very surprised if she calls me tomorrow.. She's making some steps towards being open with me now.. Like calling me instead of texting when I sent her a text.. But at the same time. She's still doing what she's been doing. Nothing. Not really showing me much of anything, other than wanting to try and keep me hooked.

 

Screw that.. I'm going to not call her or text.. I'll lightly respond to her calls and texts. Im not going to be easy to reach.. But I'll keep in touch a little I think..

 

 

I hate her games. Her tests. I dont play games. And I have always passed a test.

 

Thank you ex.. You've made me a stronger person tonight!

[liambilson]

You're doing great FCTex - I really admire you. Don't let her screw up your mind and stick to your guns. I can sense your increasing strength and before you know it you won't even need this forum anymore !

[Magamar]

Dear God!!!!!

 

Life without this forum would be unbearable.

 

I think I need to create a new forum about addiction to enotalone.com!!!!

[coooolsome]

She is leading you on. She is trying to keep you as a friend. You really need to let her go. I was talking to a coworker and asked,

 

"If I keep talking to her once a week, will I slowly move into the friend category?"

 

He said yes. Because if you want to get back together you need to break the connection you have. You need to start a new connection if you want a chance. I really dont know your ex so I dont know if NC or LC is the best if you want her back but if you want to heal yourself you need to do NC for a while. Not saying for a year or even 6 months, just enough so that you can heal properly. If you keep analyzing what she is doing, you are not healed. If she did this and you said, ah she is sick, I will talk to her some other day then you are in the right mind set.

 

If you keep analyzing her every action then it doesnt do you any good. I emailed my ex and she emailed me back and at the end she said "Ill talk to you later!". It means nothing to me. It doesnt mean that she is planning on calling me or even excited at the possibility to talk to me. I dont care anymore about analyzing her every action b/c its doesnt do me any good.

 

I know we have moments of weakness and its ok. I have them to. But until you let go you will not heal or become a better person. We are in the same boat you and i.

[FCTex]

I sent her a text this morning.. Said I hope she starts to feel better..

 

I didnt get a reply, but to be honest, I wasn't looking for one. I just wanted her to know I wasn't pissed about not talking to her. It was no skin off my nose.. I didnt want her to think I had some anger towards that situation, because I don't really. I think she sucks for handling it like that, but I can't be mad. I didnt lose anything, and I certainly wasn't hurt.

 

 

We'll see if she calls today. I'm not looking forward to it, I don't even think she will. Infact I don't even know where my cell phone is right now.. haha.

 

Ironically, the girl I was talking to a while back after the break up.. Who now has a boyfriend.. Still texts me.. and still talks to me like we're dating.. I thought I burned every bridge with her. I didnt care.. Still amazes me that she comes back for more, even with whats happened. I guess I'm just too good for her.

 

 

Thanks liam.. I do feel stronger. My emotions were pretty high this week, but I think I'm coming back down to earth, and I'm kinda really accepting of things somewhat. I accept them, but I'm not taking them in. If that makes sense. I'm doing alright.

 

As for being addicted.. I think I am.. But I know one day I will stop coming.. Because coming here, is a direct reminder of her, and my problems with this all.. However, reading my posts, it's a direct reminder of my growth.. My being a mature person..

 

I like it. I love me.

[FCTex]

coolsome,

 

I totally missed you post, because I was replying to it..

 

After talking about it tonight.. Thinking about it rationally, and realizing that I'm not moving on right now. I'm standing still, and I'm not taking anyones advice, not even my own to heart, to help myself here...

 

I was having a down moment. A pure and simple "high" moment of breaking NC.. I need the NC. I was stronger for it, I moved on better, and I was slowly letting go of it all..

 

Tonight, I've just really had the harsh judgement of things, and I need to just give it up. I can't try anymore. I dont need to try anymore. I should not try anymore.

 

Her and I are done. It's final. I can't fight the one man's fight. I can't fight for nothing because thats what I have left now. Nothing..

 

I don't want to be her friend, so it's sensible to stop all contact with her and remove myself for me, fully. I got back to me, but I was not fully doing it. I kept the door open to just be able to maybe try again..

 

The door is closed. I'm doing this for me. I'm fed up with the ups and the downs. The emotional breakdown, and the insecure feelings I have once in a while.

 

I'm tired of the contact made by her, only to bring me out of a good thing, and bring me back to square one. I'm tired of wanting to keep trying, at ever inkling of hope that she sends my way.

 

Hope gets you nothing.. Wishes only make dreams. Actions make life.. She has no action. She will not have any action in my life..

 

I'm for me. Not for her, or for this situation. I'm for me.. I'm going to be the man that I am, and the bigger man that I've become for walking through hell for this. I'm cutting every string she still had to my heart tonight.

 

I've put her pictures away. I've removed the stuff animals. The bag of cards, notes, letters, pictures.. All of her clothes are gone. Everything is black bags in the basement and the garage. My promise band.. It's there too. Everything. I finally just bagged it up and moved it out of my sight..

 

Out of sight.. Out of my life.

 

I dont think I'm going to post on this thread anymore. I will keep it up, because I think people can find hope in this, and some very good advice.

 

I will have a new thread in another section.. But Breaking Up I am done with.

 

I have broken up, and I feel that it's finally over.. I will be fully healing, not just partially healing.

 

Thank you everyone.. More than you can know.

[Fivek]

Good to see you're moving on in the right direction.

 

Take care of yourself, and all the best.

 

- Fivek

[liambilson]

FCTex - told you were strong - you have made a great decision which you will look back on in your life as a key moment.

Don't stop posting though - your wisdom and advice is needed for all of us remaining in Purgatory.

All the best mate , you deserve it and your ex certainly doesn't.

[coooolsome]

FCTex, I know how you feel and I know what you are going through. You must tell yourself every morning you dont need her. I realized that unless you truly believe it then you will fall back into the old groove. I have realized that getting over your ex is not easy. It will take a lot of time. It will not happen overnight but you are moving in the right direction.

 

Remember, you can never go back to what you had but that doesnt mean you cannot start a new relationship with her in the future. Think about it this way, we will never get back together but maybe one day in the future we will meet again and start one.