Why do I still want her back?

[arwen]

Hey there Bounder,

 

The wheels will get to turn by time and acceptance that it is over now. I know you have heard this before, the time heals all thing, but like any cliche, it tends to be the truth. One month is still a very short time to heal from a committed relationship. The heart has its own timezone, I think. There will be this day that you realize that you haven't felt bad for a while or maybe that you didn't wake up thinking directly of the break up. That you will just be fine, by yourself.

 

I think you are handling all well, you will feel better, I can promise you that.

 

Ilse.

[Bounder]

I dont think I am hnadling it very well, but thanks. I feel like I am giving up on her too easy, that i should be fighting for her, show her I love her and what i have to give, but part of me feels thats what i was doing in the relationship, maybe not 24/7, because I had school and stuff, or with the same frantic energy as when she first dumped me, but it ws there. Am i guilty of creating high expectations perhaps?

[FCTex]

Bounder...

 

My man, you and I are at points in each day, at the same time, wondering the same thing..

 

My girlfriend and I, as you know from my threads are broken up now. For good.. But you know, part of me it's upset, which is upseting me. If that makes sense.. I'm mad that this happened, and I feel scared and alone at whats next. I have that hope still in my head, of getting back in the future. It's not ever going to go away I don't think. Ever. It's only going to fade.

 

I told myself tonight, after trying to approach my feelings today after all this went down.. I felt drawn out, a week long break up, NC, some contact, some hurtful findings.. When I confronted her today, she was on the phone with a guy, the guy I found on her profile online that said "in a relationship with", and the guy she's been hanging out with, with her friends in the city. Sure that hurts me SO SO bad to think. But you know what? She's hurting too. Remember that.. I asked if they were dating, and she said no, they just met. I asked to explain the online thing, and she said it was a joke. I found no humor in it , I told her. I also dont find the humor that she can't address him to me, he's just "the people we met out one night downtown". I feel like she's hiding stuff from me, but writing it off like she's padding my fall.

 

She's not. Don't let them pad your fall. You've fallen to hard already..

 

Don't dwell on whats she's doing. My girlfriend was wild when she drank, and it scared me to have her out without me. I didn't really trust her like I know I should have. She's made me feel jealous when I reallly don't get like that often.. Don't think about it. More than likely, she wants to have fun. Let her. Let her make mistakes, let her fall on her face, bcause in the end, you win if you think that way.

 

I don't want something bad happening to my Ex, at all.. But you know what, if it means her not being under my protection and shelter to realize what a great man I am, and was to her, then so be it. She's got the hope, and I have the hope, tucked DEEP inside my heart, that maybe, one day, thinks can be fixed. You can mend the holes, and start new..

 

Don't worry my man. I'm going through it too. I wonder what she's doing, who she's with. If she's dating someone, and if she is, are they doing stuff.. It's causing me to judge the people she's with, which I dont even need to do. It's making me self conscious about things, if I'm not good looking enough, or if I'm adequate in giving emotion and physical needs to another.. You can't help but wonder, but you also need to realize that your enough, or you wouldnt have had her, and if it wasnt enough, you don't even know if there's some girl just waiting for her chance with you..

 

Be confident, women tell me they find that sexy in a guy. Take care of yourself, look good always, and have fun.. I'm excited to get out and hang with other women.. I'm scared, because I feel pressure to find someone, but at the same time, I don't want anyone. I don't want to be hurt so soon again.

[Bounder]

I dont want her to come back because she realizes what she is missing. more like she falls in love with me because of what I have to offer (old and new).....nostalgia is not the way to go....she needs to see all of me, changed and unchanged....and I dont think she will, but somebody will one day I hope, and appreciate me for what i have to offer, and the curiosity I have for life.

[Bounder]

Just an update. Yesterday was my one month of being single again. Went to the symphony witha friend, something I used to do with my ex (my idea, I love it) and then our=t for drinks. It was pretty good, but I still felt lonely. I still get waves of anger and fear and anxiety. I worry that she is better off, happier than me, without me and I am left holding all the memories.

 

I am getting passed simply blindly wanting her back. I know theres things I need to go back, but they are siimple, like trust and feeling like she wants to be back, not coerced. They likely wont happen. She probably will never want me back, why does that feel so crummy? I dont want her to "regret" her decision, I want her to fall in love with me again, be excited by me instead of nostalgic.

 

How do ever meet someone else if I keep feeling like this?

[Zerohero]

If your ex feels she doesnt love you anymore, then it doesnt matter that yo do. By telling her you love her especially when she doesnt she does not want to hear it or acknowledge it. I guess their is the guilt the dumper may be feeling. So regardless of how strongly you feel you love her, she doesnt love you in the same way, and thereforeeee it does not matter.

 

Hit it on the nail!

[Bounder]

So, I had a good day today. At least, it started ok. Prepped for a job interview, and went for my first concilling appintment. RElaized some new angles, that maybe all the confusion in her life was too much, and that it wasnt my fault, and that yes it sucks with her coming and going, but maybe thats not a sign of my faults, but of the good things, because she felt I was good in all that confusion. So, I had some food for thought, though the university's councillors wont be around ofr the next two weeks. Grrrr.

 

I get home from a movie tonight and theres a message from the ex on my phone. Says she knows she shouldnt call but she wanted to tell me that she got to the interview stage to work for the government abroad, a job she really wanted and I had helped her work on. This in spite of the fact that last week I had told her I wanted NC, except for emergencies. Was this an emergency? I dont think so. It feels like two things. One, rubbing my face in her happiness right now. She broke up saying she wasnt happy with who she was, where she was in life, and wanted to see if being out of the relationship helped (a lot of failure in her career and school ambitions up until that point- confused about her direction)- along with another guy and all the rest. This big job interview, which I always believed she deserved (I pushed her to keep appying while we were together) now seems like a pie in the face, why should she call me for that of all things? Not even a how are you?

 

Second, it might be she feels she misses me and needs to share. But thats not fair either. I dont want to share that stuff right now, its too hard and make sme miss her too much, even though I want to be excited. Part of me always felt this was a direction in her life I wanted to be there for, and now ithurts to not really be a part of it.

 

Either way, the contact hurts. But I dont want to get angry at her in her moment of happiness, but how do I shut her off without her feeling hurt and rejected?

[Anonymous81]

Bounder,

 

Dude, i know it sucks...it sucks bad. I am going through some of the same exact issues you are now. I was with my girl for 2 1/2 years, and she decided that she needed some freedom. I was finished with college and she was in her Junior year. We dated since she came to school, so i understood that she wanted to have fun w/o any attachements. I did before we were together and i thought it was fair for me to allow her to have a break. But a break it was not...A week after we broke up she decided to start seeing another guy...WTF!!! I became furious, and decided that i wasnt going to be second best to anyone. After a while, I decided to lose all contact with her. Not seeing her and not talking to her was the best thing that i could have done. BUT that didnt happen the way that i wanted it to. This guy she was dating wasn't that financially stable and really couldnt take care of her the way i could. I was always there for her, regardless of what was gonig on....

 

We tried to friendship thing, but it didnt work out the way we wanted it. The feelings were just too strong, and that is why i couldnt understand why we didnt get back together. They broke up numerous amount of times, and she would always come back to me. This guy would always text message her telling her how he couldnt go on with out her and all this crap. Well, she would always feel bad and go back to him for that reason. Like i said this happened a number of times...

 

Now, it has happened again, but this time she says that she wants what we had back for good. She says that she realizes that she made the biggest mistake in her life, and wants a true second chance. I told her that she was not going to get another chance unless she can promise that she will not hurt me again. And that she did promise for the bottom of her heart...We have spent the past week and a half together, loving every minute of it...BUT there was one catch. This P.O.S. continues to text message her making her feel so bad about the situation, and now she is getting upset about it. She says that seeing him so sad makes her miss him. Around 2am in the morning she asked me to leave so she could be alone and think, and i respected that. So i left her. She gave me a huge hug, kiss good night, and an "I love you". But this S.O.B. is effecting my life by swaying her opinions. And now the story of "The girl who has no clue what she wants" continues...I will keep you updated as the story grows...

 

I know how hard it is...i have let this happen to me...way to many times...but i am giving it one more chance.

[Bounder]

I posted this in another thread, but it fits here too, really at a loss as to what it may mean...She msn'd me today (I had taken her off but not blocked her, just didnt want to be tempted too much). Just said "hey". I ignored it, so she said hey again. I answered "Yes?" and she says "i just wanted to say hey". Okayyyyy..so I say I am about to head out....and she asks me if i had gotten her phone message last night (about her getting this big interview), but by that time my comp was already shutting down....

 

Is she playing games, trying to see if I will talk and break down saying I miss her and stuff again? She had today off, and likely had no one else to talk to....but why talk to me when last week her and i agreed that contact was not a good idea?

[Anonymous81]

Mine does the same thing...She sees you getting further and further away. And she doesnt want that to happen...mine doesnt want me to move on at all. And i think yours has the same ideas.

 

DO NOT GIVE IN!!! I JUST GOT BURNT JUST 10 MINUTES AGO. The one night i let her sleep by herself...she has her ex stay over...

[saltwatergirl]

Anonymous, your girl is trying to have her cake and eat it too. Dont let her do that to you.

 

Bounder, likely she was just wanting to share the news with someone, and you were always interested before. I'd ignore it all, act like it doesnt matter. "Oh, that's nice.......well hey I gotta run". She will get the message that you arent just available for her conversational needs at any time.

 

Salt

[FCTex]

I just sent a long e-mail to my ex.

 

She wont call me like she said she would to finish tieing off our loose ends of this break up. She wont give me a straight answer to whats going on.

 

I just thanked for her everything her and her family has done, which was lot. They re-shaped my life in 1 1/2 years, and I finally have direction in what I'm doing, and an extremely promising and wealthy career ahead of me. I thanked her for teaching me things, caring when know one did, helping me through my hard times, and showing me that love is real..

 

I also just asked whats going on, I got a little angry, but no cursing, or accusations, just asking what happened, and for her to be honest with herself and me. I told her how hurt I was, and how I felt she could have done better if this is what she really wanted.

 

I told her that I will be here for her if she ever needed someone in a time of need, that I'd do just about anything to help me. I wished her the best, and that I would pray for her success in whatever she does. I told her how awesome she was during our relationship, and to never let go of our happiest times, and memories. And I brought back up being friends, but that it will take time to get to the point.

 

 

I'm sure I shouldnt have done that. I really wanted to, and to be honest, I feel SO MUCH better about sending it. I got everything I wanted to say(mostly, until you ponder it more), and I felt like I got feeling accross in my words, as they flowed.. I dont want to make her guilty for what she did, I just want to know what caused it, whats the real reasons, because her stories aren't adding up...

 

We'll see what she says... Why after I get tossed around and my feeling disregarded, do I still at night dream about hooking back up with her, and starting over?

[Bounder]

She wrote me today that "I know I can't share my joys with you anymore, but I

> wanted to share the foreign affairs thing with you, since you helped me

> get there."

 

 

My respnse will be limited, to minimize damage to my NC progress, what do you guys think of this?

 

 

I am VERY proud of you. I always believed in you, thats why it seems like I pushed you hard and challenged you sometimes- to make you see what you had- I still remember helping you with your letters and talking about your teaching....

 

Dont think you "can't" share with me anymore, ok? When I feel better and have started moving on, I would love to catch up....if thats ok.

 

Take care,

 

J

[gradle]

i think that's an excellent response bounder.

[FCTex]

Sounds good buddy..

 

It's hard man... I'm wishing I could only get some contact out of my ex. I guess it's too soon to tell though. I'd love for her to share her falls and goals with me, when things get back to normal...

 

I'm like you, I want to hear from them, but everytime I do, or try to, I end up hurting myself.. I'm fine with all this, but I can't help but have that inkling of hope inside of me that they will return to me, yearning for what we had. Not out of habit, or nostalgia, but to see the changes in ourselves for the better.

 

Good luck my friend, we're in this together.

[dabdab8]

i really admire how you guys are able to deal with your breakups and talk about them so abstractly. i really don't know what to do. i'm a really private person.. so no one in my family or among my friends even knows about her.. and now i'm trying to deal with the breakup on my own and it's just tearing me apart. i haven't even been able to eat a bite of food in almost a whole week. 5 days now almost to the hour since i've been able to eat. she's with some new guy.. and she seems happy.. but i don't think it's real.. she puts her happiness on so thick.. i don't know if she's trying to hurt me. i don't know if i should pretend i don't care.. or tell her how much i love her... and try to get her back. or if i pretended to not care.. if that would make her want me back. the thought of not trying to get her back is just inconcievable to me. i don't know what to do or how to deal with this. i know her relationship with him won't last.. and should i be around as a friend when it falls apart? or should i just stop talking ot her immediately..? if i do she won't ever approach me on her own.. it's just her style..

[Bounder]

It only seems abstract, wiat till you start poundng on the keys my man!