Need Opinions on Who's Right and Who's Wrong

[tiger_lilies]

My close friend who is getting married next year. She has asked me to be her bridesmaid to which I am honored at.

 

She has since decided to have her wedding in Hawaii since her father will pay for all their expenses. Flight, accomidations, etc.

 

My friend has demanded, not asked, but demanded that I place my own expense for the trip to Hawaii on my visa so that I can be by her side during this special time. She didn't even ask me if I could afford it, she just told me to put it on my visa.

 

The problem? I cannot afford such an expense for her. I estimate it will cost me roughly $1500 for the weekend. I am barely making my bills every month and was hoping to spend any leftover money on other expenses on myself.

 

I politely declined the invitation and told her my reasons. She immediately accused me of trying to sabatoge her wedding and that she is disappointed in me as a friend because I am not willing to pay for my own expense to stand by her side on this important day.

 

I am furious at her for these accusations. Do I have the right to be pissed off at her?

[DN]

Yes - don't go, don't be emotionally blackmailed. Some friend!

[DragonGirl724]

yes you do have plenty rright to be ticked! a friend is someone who is understanding of your needs. this is HER wedding, not YOURS, thereforeeee you do NOT have to pay for any of it..you dont have to be a bridesmaid & you do not have to do anything you dont want to, or cant afford to do. she is acting childish & spoiled. but that doesnt surprise me; wanting to have her wedding so far away & expecting daddy to pay for it all....

 

$1,500 bucks is a ton of cash, thats rediculous for anyone to ask for.

 

-DG724

[Jinx]

Of course you have that right. If we could all just charge ourselves a trip to Hawaii, I'm sure half of the US population would be bunched up over there. If I had that money I'm sure I'd just hop on over there. Unfortunately, not many of us can just throw away such amounts for a trip.

 

As far as I would be concerned she is being cheap and petty to accuse such things. Cheap as in, if she really really just has to have you there, why doesn't she cover it all herself? Can't she realize not everyone has a rich father to pay it all off? Petty as in her inability to accept the word no and deal with it. For me, if my best friend said tomorrow she was going to get married in Hawaii and said be my Bridesmaid charge your visa I'd say nut-uh unless you're paying for those charges, my rent and food are enough as is with current wages.

 

Further, sabatoge? She reminds me of this person I used to know that when something didn't go her way a small group of us according to her were trying to sabatoge her life. Its a bunch of bull. If she needs a bridesmaid she needs to make it work not expect. She seems spoiled not used to being refused.

 

She can be disappointed in you all she wants but needs to realize some main key points, not everyone affords Hawaii. Saying no doesn't sabatoge life when there are a hundred others out there. She should be disappointed in herself for being so petty. She doesn't seem like much of a friend to me, all in all considered from what I've read.

[tiger_lilies]

Thanks guys...another argument based on the bride's opinion is that the wedding is still a year away and that should be enough time for me to save up for this trip. If I am a "good friend" shouldn't I do just that?

 

The story is more complicated than what I had posted but this is basically what is going on at present.

 

We have not spoken to each other for almost one week and I am wondering if I should call her to apologize and tell her yes, I'll save up the money to be there for her....

 

Or I could just use this as my last excuse to cut ties with this person because our friendship has always felt one-sided to me.

 

She also said that if the roles were reversed, that she would drop everything to be there for me if I wanted my wedding in Hawaii. Little does she understand that I would never ask my family and friends to pay such an expense just to see me get married.

 

What do you guys think I should do to rectify this situation? Is there even a fair outcome for the both of us and our "friendship"?

[darkblue]

I can understand that it's a big moment for her and she wants her friend to be there by her side.

 

But if you can't afford it; she should be able to understand your reasons.

 

I don't think you should be pushed into it or feel emotionally at fault.

 

Explain your reasons again and tell her that you are sorry you can't make it.

[Gunther]

Well, you have every right to be mad, but instead why don't you realize that she is probably stressed beyond belief right now {because it's a freaking wedding}, and it will probably be okay after the wedding & honeymoon are over. One last bit of diplomacy may be in order, try offering to pay what you can and ask her to have her father pay for the remainder. As for financial aspects how is her father fitted? This may play into why she asked you to pay for yourself.

 

Edit: after reading your second post, I see that you have a year. Now this is a most complicated situation, {could almost make a soap out of this drama.} To make a more accurate assesment, can I ask how you felt that this was a "one-sided relationship"? What type of things felt one sided to you? I have friends where I feel things are one-sided, and have access to things I would usualy deam off-limits to my better and more polite friends, but I don't break ties with them, because of what they do bring to the table. But it is really unwise to break up a friendship with someone because of financial reasons, although it is very odd that she would ask you to pay for yoruself when the rest of the people are getting a free ride, but like I said before, try offering to pay for what you can {no over half though otherwise that would be one sided}

 

One more thing, did you ask her why she asked you to pay for yourself? if so what was her answere?

[Jinx]

It may be a year but same living expenses still apply, further no one ever knows what may happen in a year's time. You may save it up indeed, but then in case of a emergency or unexpected expense, needs spent. Still no Hawaii trip. Anyways, she shouldn't, no one should expect YOU to save money for THEIR "problem" if you already expressed you can't. No is no, no matter how one tries to look at it.

 

If you feel like you must call, I'd just tell her you cannot afford it. You will not beg borrow or plead from friends and family. You have expenses and cannot afford now or then, thats that. You're happy she is getting married but cannot participate for obvious reasons which have been stated. If she still cannot grasp, I'm sorry to say that isn't a friend and you shouldn't be there anyways even if you could. Friends don't do things like that to one another.

 

Cutting ties may just be the solution or however if she cannot understand not everyone has their family and friends pay for them. I don't believe there is much else can be said. She either accepts and life goes on -OR- she doesn't accept and you've got better people you could be spending time with anyways.

[randy]

ya your friend's wrong for sure . Tell her stright up " if you want me to go that bad then pay for my trip ".

[Day_Walker]

She sounds like another Bridzilla. I think both of you have reasons to be upset, she has a right to be mad because you cant make it and you are mad because of her demands. Its pretty cut and dry you cannot afford the trip, so you cant go, if she cant understand, accept or deal with that then let her worry about it.

[lady00]

I agree with the other posters. She is expecting too much from you. If you can't afford it then she should understand that you're not intentionally trying to hurt her. 1500 is a lot of money to spend to go to someone's wedding. She should have realized that having the wedding in Hawaii would mean that it would place a financial burden on people attending the wedding. It's unfair to you. Tell her you're sorry you can't make it but you wish her all the best and hope the wedding goes well. Don't let her manipulate you. You have nothing to feel guilty about here.

[tiger_lilies]

Thank you guys again for your replys and opinons.

 

I really don't feel it's right to ask her to pay for my expense, nor to ask her rich father to pay either. If she offered, then I would happily accept, but asking them to foot the bill is just not me.

By the way, she hasn't offered to pay for me because she doesn't have the finances...it's her rich father and family that are paying for everything.

 

Jinx, I have felt that our friendship has been one sided for the last couple of years now. We've been friends for maybe...5 or 6 years and I am finally starting to see what everyone else around me complains about.

I find that I am constantly dropping whatever I'm doing to rush to her to hold her hand through any turmoil that she is going through.

 

She has this way of twisting her words to make things come out to better suite her. She does not consider my feelings and constantly is trying to create drama for me. I have found myself feeling emotionally drained. This was my clue that something doesn't feel right about our friendship anymore.

When she asked me to be her bridesmaid, I was both honored and horrified to be honest. I knew that it would be nothing but drama.

 

If her attitude was different, meaning she accepts the fact that I can't afford it and didn't try guilt tripping me into it, then I believe that I would save up to go and feel better about it.

[lady00]

Yeah, you know part of what probably turns you off and what makes us think she's wrong is her attitude. It would be one thing to say: "I hope that you will be able to make it if it's not too much to ask."but she makes it seem like you are obliged to go, rather than like you would just be doing a nice thing for her. Hopefully when the stress from the wedding planning goes away she'll be a little nicer. I've heard that otherwise nice, pleasant people can get a pretty mean when they're stressed over planning a wedding, so hopefully it's just a phase.

[DragonGirl724]

my sister was offered to be a bridesmaid for her friend's wedding who was getting married on a cruiseship. my sister couldnt afford it & had to decline, there was no big issue or drama over it what so ever. your friend needs to realize not everyone has a rich daddy to pay for everything they want. unfortunately many spoiled people never appreciate the amount of work that has to be put forth in order to make a dollar.

 

-DG724

[jna35]

I'd be mad too and very hurt if I were you! That's an awful lot to ask of someone even under better financial circumstances. Most of us don't have the luxury of being able to drop a couple grand and fly off to Hawaii on the whim of a friend, even if it is for her wedding. I'd say let it be. She sounds like one of those bridezillas!!!

[melrich]

I think you have to keep in mind is that she has the right to have her wedding wherever she wants to. She doesn't have the right to "demand" that you attend but it is understandable if she express disappointment (not anger) that you would not be attending, altough she should be understanding of your situation.

 

I think you have to ask yourseld do you want to attend. Forget about what her expectations may be, it is about whether that is something that you want to do and are willing to save for. If it's not then you should not feel any guilt about your decision.

[Chesnick]

Get this. One of my best friends, since kindergarten, got married last month. He wanted me to be a best man or something like that, but suddenly he moved his wedding date up a couple months, and I was unable to attend because I was taking a class and I didn't have the money for a plane ticket. I told him that I wished I could go, but it didn't look like I could make it. And you know what he said?

 

"I wish you could be here, but I understand if you can't make it."

 

The moral of this story is, that's a good friend.

Your friend is not acting like a friend, she acting like a, dare I say, b*tch.

[tiger_lilies]

"I wish you could be here, but I understand if you can't make it."

That's exactly my point! She did not say anything remotely close to the above statement. Her attitude and words were a direct attack at me.

 

This is why I'm having such a hard time figuring out what I should do. Should I try to be the bigger person and go back to her saying that I will indeed save up to please her?

 

I want to be there for her...but it certainly feels like I am once again putting my life on hold for her, even if it is for something as big as her wedding.

 

I'm confused. Most of my other close friends who know her or know of her say that they have no idea why I even bother making the effort to be her friend since she has this way of using her friends for her benefit. It's ture, I must say.

Sigh....I guess I will have to see how things go. It's unfortunate that our friendship has to end like this. Such a waste.

[DN]

It is a shame - but, the bottom line is that you can't afford it and should not allow yourself to be guilted into doing anything you don't want to do and have good reason not to.

 

Listen to your friends - it seems they have summed her up better than you have. Look on this as a wake-up call -and be glad you didn't find out what she was really like after you had spent a fortune on the wedding and the ticket.