I'm running out of time!

[GuiltyAsCharged]

(Posted this on personal growth as the suicide part won't be topical just yet)

 

To me, dignity and respect are very important issues. I want to be a respected, mature member of the society that is taken seriously. Now it just so happens that due to numerous negative life events such as bullying and being socially excluded during the years 12-15, I've seriously lagged behind in emotional development and the maturation process as a whole. Physically I am a late-developer and have only recently started to catch up with my peers, now that I practically lost 3 valuable growing up years. That, and my reputation to most people is an immature, insecure clown.

 

That was just some background. After all things have improved during the last year as I'm in a new school now where I have friends and don't have to deal with hostility and ridicule every day. The real problems await me in the period 18-24 (and of course would even after that but I'll kill myself if they aren't solved during that time, I refuse to live in shame as a loser).

 

So I:

-Can't concentrate to school due to my depression and anxiety, Zoloft only gave me huge headaches and made me nauseous. (In my country only 2% of the applicants get in to university to study psychology and I won't make it if I can't concentrate)

-Can't get a girlfriend because a man's ENTIRE desireability is dependent upon masculinity, dominance and maturity - the exact traits that I would want to possess but don't have. (girls my age date men over 20 and still whine about them not being mature enough for them)

-Can't get a job

-Can't get the respect I want

-Can't live up to my full potential as I would have a fairly high IQ and could have a career in the intelligence requiring fields IF ONLY I was taken seriously (and could concentrate enough on the studies)

-Can't become independent because I have zero energy and couldn't make it on my own even if I had the money to move out (I don't)

 

So the thing is that I'm a boy wanting to be a man, but it's not possible and I don't want live as an inferior to other guys as their sonnyboy. That would be a fate worse than death to me and I'm running out of time on becoming a man. I'm so insecure about my masculinity and maturity that I just can't bear being even the lightest bit away from perfection on this, let alone a pathetic loser as I am now.

 

I don't know what to do, the stress of being a man is catastrophically high and it is able to numb all the joy out of my life, leaving suicide as an honourable way out a tempting solution.

[DN]

Actually, many psychiatrists say that suicide is the one of the definitive acts of an immature person. Not honourable at all but something of a cowardly way out.

[GuiltyAsCharged]

I know this, but I've thought that if I'm immature and irresponsible anyway I don't have nothing to lose. Only thing stopping me is that my death would affect negatively the mental health of my family especially if it was a suicide. I don't want them to suffer. But then again I don't want to live as an inferior either so I am thinking of going abroad and joining the american military and getting myself killed in Iraq. That would atleast be a bit more honorable death even though I'm against the war.

[DN]

The chances of them accepting you if you even give them a hint of that intent is small.

 

But even if you succeeded in being accepted and getting posted to Iraq (no guarantees of that posting incidentally) suppose you tried to get killed and just got horribly maimed instead.

 

The amount of work and effort it would take to accomplish all of that would be better employed getting your act together at home and becoming successful at what you choose to do.

 

Success is not always measured by material things - it can also be measured by personal goals achieved.

 

If you must have a midlife crisis, I think you should wait until middle age like everyone else has to.

 

By then, you may have found that you were successful after all.

[eviljedi]

The real problems await me in the period 18-24

 

How do you know what your life will be like when your 24?

 

I think you should just hang in there. We have all been through rough times but come out of them a better person. It sounded like you were having a bad time at school because of friends and girls and stuff. High school sucks! Most people in there teens haven't learned to accept what isn't the norm.

 

Instead of listing all the stuff you can't do how about listing the things you can do, and the things you want.

 

e.g.

 

I want more respect

I want a Job

I want to concentrate harder

 

Etc

 

Now think about how you could get these things, respect yourself and others will respect you more. Apply for jobs, wear a shirt and tie to the interview and speak clearly, prepare things to say beforehand. Even if it's just in McDonalds or something you will impress people if you dress smartly and any job is better than none.

 

To me, you have a lot of potential to live a great life. I wouldn't even be considering suicide; you never know what will happen in your life. I also wouldn't expect things to magically get better, if you want your life to be different, make it different! Look at an idol and see how they live there life, ask yourself, how could I be more like them?

 

I know how you feel, I'm almost 18 and I can't even grow facial hair, all the girls I speak to just see me as a friend and date older 20 year old guys that are taller and more masculine than me. But I saw how my brother developed late and now he is living with a great girl and enjoying life to the full. One day you will be a man, but enjoy your youth.