Well, thats it

[confusedashell]

Finished. We spoke a little. Its done. She isnt interested in a relationship whatsoever. And no, there is no one else. I believe her with this. She wants to focus on her studies. Shes too nervous to be with me incase I get angry with her for something. Doesnt want to have to feel like she has to "report" to anyone about what she is doing. Doesnt want to live with anyone. Doesnt want to try and fix anything, says its too late for that. Its just done. Her feelings, romantic feelings of love died off the last month. Still loves me and cares for me. But no romantic feelings for me and doesnt want to have them either because its too much trouble. Still, no divorce. Whatever that means. maybe down the road we fix our relationship and get back together. but not now.

 

Now we need to sort out how to do with our child. We're from different countries. I will move back to the UK in the next month. I am not able or willing to stay here and I'm not sure if she will be willing to move to the UK. But she has to. Nothing else works best for all three of us. She said she needs to think about things a little more. Talk to her brother and friend about all this. So we will talk about what to do tomorrow.

 

Six years of marriage down the tubs without so much as a struggle.

[fIIsion]

I'm really sorry your wife feels this way, I was hoping that you may of got a more positive response from her.

 

That said the fact that she doesn't want a divorce still indicates that she hasn't let go completley.

Sounds like there's more going on here than just your marriage.

I really think you need to take your mind of this for a little while, even just a few weeks, that said, I know its not that easy, you are going to feel angry, frustrated, etc.

Just don't take this out of your wife ( if possible) she wants your understanding that she's asking for space.

 

Other guys will tell you to blow her off, that she is disrespecting you, etc......but I know that you want things to work out in long run for your son.

 

We are in a new age were women are no longer the happy little house wife's, who will suffer in silence to please their husbands.

Hang in there.

[confusedashell]

Thanks for all the support mate! Really appreciate it all!

 

I have actually just started to accept that this is over. Its difficult to accept it though, but I am starting to. The most difficult part is just knowing we wont be a family again, the three of us, sharing our sons life together in the one house. Thats really gut wrenching. I feel so bad for him too, away, enjoying himself and down here his family is finished. I know he wont fully understand what is going on but he will soon enough when mommy and daddy are no longer together.

 

I honestly think that the divorce is just no big deal to her. That it is just a piece of paper to her now. I told her I dont understand how you can jack all this in because a few problems and that we neglected our relationship. All that can be fixed. If you loved me for all this time, through some rough things, then thats still there somewhere and our neglect has just buried it. But i truly think it can be fixed. If she WANTS it to. But she doesnt.

 

Knowing how difficult all this is going to be with our son I made a suggestion that me and my son go to the UK for a few weeks when he gets back and then we come back here and her and me work on this, I mean really do try to fix it all. We all go back to the Uk by xmas and if things are still the same, then we just leave it at that. We tired. She said she needed to think about it. I said, ok dont bother. If your heart isnt in it, theres no point.

 

She said she wont regret this. She feels its the best thing for her. She wants to focus on a career and her studies. And well most importantly, that she doesnt just feel like "that" for me anymore. That everything went on for too long and now its too late to fix. I cant argue with that anymore. If thats the way she feels, then its sad, but ok.

 

Its gonna be tough though. I do still love her and we will have to see eachother a lot and have a lot of contact. Dont know this will work.

[BellaDonna]

We are in a new age were women are no longer the happy little house wife's, who will suffer in silence to please their husbands.

 

I think it's a good thing that women no longer suffer in silence. However, I'm not so sure if it's only the role of women which has changed. I think the concept of marriage itself has changed. Marriage is now disposable. People no longer "work" at it anymore, and I think it's quite sad. I don't think people should have to suffer, but I do think they should compromise, remember the vows that they took, and at least try work on saving their marriage and their family.

 

 

Confusedashell, I feel for you. This must be very difficult. But I agree maybe your wife is still leaving the door open if she does not want an actual divorce yet. As much as this hurts you, remember that your child is going to need a lot of support during this time. Children usually blame themselves. So try be strong for your child, and I hope you can all reach an agreement on what will work best for everyone involved.

 

BellaDonna

[confusedashell]

well thats just it. She didnt fight. She just saw that she wants out and has other priorities. Even now, she refuses to sit down and TALK about what to do with our son. I said to her this morning that today we have to sit down and figure out what to do about him. She just starts freaking out saying I'm stressing her and putting pressure on her!?! I just want to start to sort this out so it can be resolved asap. She hasnt even thought about what she wants to do with him. She even planned to go on a trip with her mate this weekend! this isnt happening now because she spent all her money already. My son comes back monday, I want to leave on wednesday or thursday. She said she'll call me tonight and we can meet on thursday to talk. She is staying at her fathers place now because I stress her!haha..its almost comical. I havent said jack to her.

[fIIsion]

I meant that quote in a positive sense ( truly).

 

I have just noticed more and more on this forum that its the men who seem to be more settled in a relationship, wanting to work things out, etc but the woman feels differently. ( I know this is not always the case)

 

I feel that there are more and more women out there who just simply do not know what they want from a relationship or even that they want a relationship. This has more of an effect when two people have been together for a longer time or are married.

 

We are constantly bombarded from the media/ hollywood as to how a relationship should be ( i.e not reality), and the target audience seems to be women.

I used to read some of the magazines my ex used to read, there were many questionaires about " is your man doing this" , "is your man doing that", relationships are about comprimise.

[confusedashell]

I think that certainly played apart of my ex's decision. Even nw she still asks me if we didnt have a son would I fight this hard. Like she doesnt feel like I truly love her. Yes, things got stale, yes we had problems, yes the spark was gone. We've been together 6 years! We have a tough situation. I just feel like the second things got a little too much she bailed. She said this morning that she douts she could ever keep a relationship going. She blamed her father. Thats a cope out to me. We all make our choices. Its how we handle the problems. She always sued to tell me how much it freaked her out that we've been together so long and that we have a child, that it all made her feel like I life was already planned out for her. Gimme a break!

[BellaDonna]

I just think it's sad. Unless there's infidelity or abuse, I think a marriage is always worth trying to save.

 

It's strange that she won't even talk about it. Maybe she's unsure and doesn't want to finalize plans?

 

Have you asked if she'd try counseling?

 

The focusing on her studies excuse is a poor one. You can still have a relationship when you're "studying". I went through an undergraduate and master's degree program full time, while in a relationship. There's more to it than the studies. Something is up. Maybe its's not somone else. But I do think you deserve a better explanation than that.

 

She says she does not want to "report" to you....Were you posessive or did you pressure her in the past? Or is she creating those monsters in her mind? Just wondering,

 

 

 

BellaDonna

[confusedashell]

No way was I possessive! Although she must feel like I or our relationship was stopping her from doing things. The night she dropped all this on me she said odd things like "I want to be able to go on a last minute trip with my friend but I cant". Insinuating that I was the reason she couldnt go. I told her its not me thats stopping you, its the money! I always hated that, that we couldnt just go away if we wanted to because money was tight.

 

Well the reason seems to be a mixture of a lot of things, studies are parts of it, reporting parts and the fact that I suffered depression for awhile and was very irritatable and angry and stressed. She says that I made her feel so bad and so nervous to come home. That in the end it got too much and killed off the love she had for me. I told her I needed help! Im not using it as an excuse, but thats the way it was. the last four odd weeks I've been getting on top of things and things have been getting a hell of a lot better, but she said its just too late for all that. so what can i do. nothing. just move on. I never cheated on her and the opnly abuse that came was from both of us maybe throwing something when we were angry. I did give her a black eye one night when I was asleep and elbowed her in the face. didnt even realise it. she mentioned that once or twice.

 

about her studies: I gave up a very well paid job, newly bought house, car everything to move here from the UK to help her get her studies. I worked dead end jobs morning and night with unpredicatable pays for her to get her studies. all this for the last four years. In the end I felt so demoralised, liek I had no future, that I was going down the drain fast, that sooner or later she would walk away and Id be screwed living here 8all the time saying I was paranoid and that wasnt going to happen).

[fIIsion]

Its sounding more like she is scared that her whole life has been planned out, i.e the marriage, her being a mother. Its like she feels she's missed out on something, perhaps she feels she got married too soon and is now obligated to continue because you have a child.

 

Its almost like she's got to get something out of system before she knows what direction she wants in life and part of her is scared of the future, so does not want to completely let go of the marriage.

 

She does not understand the committment she made when she got married, thats why she sees it as a piece of paper only.

[BellaDonna]

I think there is still hope if the 2 of you see a marriage/family counselor. Even if she ultimately decides to continue with the split- counseling can help both of you put the situation in perspective.

 

It's worth a try,

 

 

BellaDonna

[confusedashell]

She is definetly afraid of having her life planned out. She says she gets so much stress from me because I am worried about the future so much and cant take it one day at a time. In the situation I am in, I cant help but me worried about the future.

 

She doesnt understand the commitment she made. I said to her that we owe it to us and our son to try everything to solve this. She said I dont have to stay with you if I dont want to. ok, I said thats fine. But why are you jacking all this in? Because I dont want to do this anymore, I dont want a relationship, I want to live on my own, do my own things, not worry about anyone else. Focus on myself and my studies and my son. Its too late to fix anything, all this the last while has just killed off the love I had for you, those feelings are gone. I'm not interested to try and fix it.

 

about the counseling. She wouldnt go near it with a ten foot pole. I know that if I even brought it up, shed laugh.

 

I dont think this all bothers her very much. Shes gone out now. Gone to meet her mates and will probably go out and drink the rest of her money tonight. Sorting out this is the last thing on her mind. She says maybe later, somewhere down the road who knows. Yeah, right. I'll hang around for you. heh.

 

Its just aggrivating that she wont sit down with me and talk about what to do with our son. Thats driving me insane. Like she doesnt think there is anything to talk about.

[darkblue]

Really sorry to hear about this Confusedashell.

 

If the worst comes to the worst, you can go through the courts to ensure you can still see your son. As you are of no threat to him and are mentally sound, there is no reason you can't see him.

 

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

 

Take Care.

[confusedashell]

Thanks for the support! Well I wouldnt want it to go to that level of seriousness. I just wish she'd leave the partying alone for a few nights and sit down with me to figure out what we're going to do. About our son. Not "us". I'm kind of stuck in limbo here and she doesnt appear to be giving it a second thought. I just hope she can be reasonable about all this, but I have this BAD feeling that she wont. She will maybe be reasonable for a little bit but when the day comes I will be bringing my son to the UK for awhile, she'll start to freak out. There isnt going to be a simple solution to this. One of us will HAVE to move and I think it should be her.

[darkblue]

Sit down, in a sober moment - and talk about this. She needs to know that you couldn't care less about the relationship right now and it's about YOUR son.

[confusedashell]

I asked her today to cancel meeting her friends and talk about this with me, what we will do. She said that its excatly this why she doesnt want to be with me anymore, because I stress her. Go figure! I said it in the calmest and most polite way I could. This is something that will take a LOT of thinking about and we're leaving in a week and she hasnt even thought about it. Like its not going to happen or something.

[darkblue]

If it was me, I'd scare the life out of her. Tell her that you can and will be willing to go to court to settle this if she doesn't get her act together.

 

This is sometimes the only way.

 

Persue other methods first thought to ensure there is minimum resentment between yous as that is not good for your son.

 

It is going to take compromise. If she's not willing to see this; enforce it upon her.

[confusedashell]

You know, the woman she has become the last few weeks is TOTALLY different to the woman I knew and loved. She even remarked herself a few weeks ago how werid she has become by going out drinking four times in the last month. I know people change, but she has almost taken a total 180.

 

And now this crap with the going out while all this is going on! Its unbelievavle that someone can act like that! she must really not give a damn about ANY of this. When I bring it up about our son she just says one thing "I cant lose my son". I am being UTTERLY reasonable about this. I want him to have BOTH of us in his life as much as can possibly happen. i want us to sit down together for the next week and TALK about this and come to some arrangement that is good for ALL three of us. But shes just wanting to go out. She needs to "relax" and have "no stress", everyone, including me and her mother is "stressing" her. I dont know what the HELL happened to this woman lately. I see glimpses of the woman I knew, but her personality and attitude has gone from a caring, warm person to someone concerned ONLY with her best interests. When it comes to a situation like this, if its going to be done right then she needs to get over that. She was always honest and upfront with me, now I'm not so sure at all.

 

I almost cant believe whats going on.

 

And thinking about the future of her and me is so damn difficult to see how it will be ok. I want us to be civil but its going to be tough. I just CANT see her as just another woman, or a friend. I love her. And we will be in eachothers faces for the rest of our lives.

[darkblue]

She is going through a very emotional and confusing time at the moment.

 

She is scared that she is going to lose her son among other things so feel she has to adapt and change. She may feel that no one else is looking out for her interests so she must do this herself.

 

The only thing you can do is tell her that your main priority is your son. Be understanding to her needs too.

 

Remember this is emotionially challenging for both of yous as you are both going through a break up.

 

Tell her that the main priority is the son which you have together.

 

It's not in his best interests not to see only one of his parents, and you will do anything it takes to reach a compromise to suit both of yous.

 

Take care.

[confusedashell]

She in all honesty doesnt seem like this is a trying situation for her at all. She's acting like alls perfectly normal. I know her better than anyone and I can tell if something is not as it should be and she seems PERFECTLY normal. In fact she seems like she has gone to the age of 23 all over again. trips away with mates, going out spending all her money drinking, nightclubs...all that. If shes not here I cant talk to her about our son, I suggested she stay at her fathers until she wants to come and talk about what we should do. She said "I'll call you tomorrow".

 

Im a complete mix of ANGER, saddness and worry! Shes out having a good time.

[darkblue]

It seems like she is trying hard to 'enjoy' her life. This has been a wake up call to her that she wasn't having fun with her time.

 

Is she under any influence.. from friends maybe?

 

Who's watching your son while she is away all the time? what age is he by the way?

[boiler55126]

I agree with fIIsion on the fact that men are more settled in a relationship than the majority of women. It's sad but it seems like I too see it more and more that the woman seems confused and doesn't know what she really wants but hides it from her mate. All the while we as men are led on believing everything is OK. Whenever there's problems they tend to bottle up and not make an effort to resolve things. The minute you think things are going good she comes out and says she doesn't love you anymore. Why? Because they bottle things up inside and run away from their problems rather than confronting them. Then when they've changed their feelings for you without communicating their feelings with you it's far too late. I also agree with fIIsion about how a lot of magazines and books are geared in a false sense toward women, basically brainwashing them about how relationships should be. My ex was the same way. Thought relationships should come together and you shouldn't have any problems or differences. That never happens, and if it does it's destined to fail as both the man and woman wouldn't know how to handle any problems if it arose. You have to be able to communicate and compromise for a relationship to have any chance of working. My ex used to read all kinds of love story books and I think that's how she got to thinking that way. I told her maybe she should stop reading so many fiction books.

 

I'm very sorry to hear what happened to you. Believe me, I can totally relate. Seems like 1 day things are fine and the next she's running away like she seen a ghost. For her it was gradual, she was slowly falling out of love with you, but probably didn't explain that too you very well, if she even did at all. For you it's been all too sudden, and I'm sure you're probably in shock. I too suffer from depression, but I didn't develop it on my own or get this way overnight. I developed this at the hands of my ex. Your wife should have been there to help you, especially if you asked her. That's very selfish and thoughtless on her part. I think the best thing here is to not talk to her about your marriage. If you talk to her only discuss your kid, that's it. She sounds like a bad communicator and if she is then it will take her a while to really tell you what happened. I'm not saying there's another man involved and from what I've read I don't believe there is. I'm sure at this point, any time you 2 talk you're trying to get things out of her and she isn't saying much which probably causes you to assume things. She then clams up because no matter what she says, right now you're too upset and shocked and you don't believe her. So in her mind it's pointless for her to explain things thoroughly to you. Believe me, I went through this 3 times with my ex. Every time she left she never said much and it drove me nuts. Sounds like it's going to take her a while to sort things out and be able to put her feelings into words in a way you can understand. It's unfortunate but it's true, most women don't communicate their feelings, wants and needs very clearly with the man their with. We're not mind readers.

 

Can I ask you how old she is? Has she ever had any other serious relationships other than you. Did she come from a stable background? Has she ever been on her own and gained that feeling of being able to be independent and an established woman? I'd like to know, as maybe myself or some others on here can help make sense of things a little more for you. I'm sure you have a million unanswered questions at this point. I'm also concerned what contributed to your depression.

 

Just remember, things may not be able to be fixed between you 2 but you can control what happens with your kid. Focus your energy and time on that. Your kid is what needs to matter the most to you now. I know 6 years is a long time but it appears that it wasn't you and it was out of your hands. She should have been there to help you and support you through the tough times you were going through. It's not your fault you had some problems and we all need help at times. If she loved you enough and cared about people other than just herself and cared about the marriage enough she would have did anything she possible could to help you and help resolve any issues in your marriage. Sounds to me like she can be a rather selfish person. Hang in there and try not to think into things too much. It will drive you crazy.

[confusedashell]

Our son is four years old. And right now he is at his grandmothers summer place for some small vacation. My ex was there for 6 days with him and he stays there until monday.

 

I never EVER stopped her going out or doing anything. She was ALWAYS free do whatever she wanted and go wherever she wanted. She says she felt like she had to report to me. If I asked her how her night went, she had to report to me. Thats been lately. I started wondering if there was someone else and said tell me the truth, is there someone else or are you interested. She swears BLIND and on our her sons life that there isnt and this has nothing to do with another person.

 

Well none of her friends have any kids or any real relationships so maybe thats some influence. She doesnt have too many friends, mainly hangs out with her younger brother and one other friend.

[darkblue]

You may want to try and talk to her brother and ask him to talk to her; as he have more influence on her. It's worth a shot.

[confusedashell]

You hit a lot of nails on their heads there!

 

as to your questions:

Can I ask you how old she is?

She is 27, the same age as me. Until now, I thought she was a mature person. Acted her age, put things in priority but recently its gone insane. The big argument we had when all this started was that she wanted to go out to drink on a thursday night. I said "no way!" because she had to bring our son to kindergarten the next day and I had to work early so i couldnt. She went MENTAL. Screaming at me that I stop her from things and thats why she doesnt love me. I pointed out that the excate same day previously we had had this discussion too and she said she would go out for a coffee after work. I said fine but remember you have to get up with our son the next day. She got angry again and said I shouldnt tell her what to do. So low and behold, she comes staggering in at 5am drunk as hell, tried to have sex with me, I stop her (asleep and irritated). The next day I go to pick my son up from school and the woman says that he didnt get there until 12pm! hes suppossed to be there at 9! Ok, this makes her sound terrible and shes not, she doesnt do this a lot, but its just how things ahve went pear shaped with her the last while.

 

Has she ever had any other serious relationships other than you

As far as I know, she only ever really had one. Shes had a lot of boyfriends and shes was sexual active from an early age I think. I always thought that she was in this for the long run, despite her sometimes uptightness at "having her life planned out..kids, marriage".

 

. Did she come from a stable background?

No, not at all. Her father was screwing around on the mother very early on with a lot of women. Eventually her mother had enough of it and left him. This was when she was 6 years old. Her parents still cant even be in the same room as eachother. Not even for xmas.

Right now her father lives with a woman he works with and her mother has been having some relationship with a guy thats marriaed with kids and lives in another city. They have weekends away etc when he works.

 

Has she ever been on her own and gained that feeling of being able to be independent and an established woman?

No, she hasnt lived on her own. Thats her bniggest gripe now I think. Shes always mentioned that she regreated she didnt have that. I figured sooner or later it would come along, or actually I just felt like she'd grown out of that. Apparently not.

 

It just seems all too convienant this "love you but not IN love with you" excuse. A month ago we were planning on buying a new apartment. My father even came all the way from the UK to help us fix this place up. She didnt seem anything out of place.