Still missing her... not changing my mind

[frozenblaze]

Hello everyone, days pass by and still my heart stays at the same position ; stuck in the parking lot. Today i'm not asking for advices i just want to get it out and it seems that here is the best place to do so. She wants to be my friend, I do not need that it is something painful that I find useless and hurtful. She cannot even talk about her feelings for she says she has none and that she got over it (to me someone who gets over "it" does not get mad/angry when her ex tells her that he still loves him...). She was my best friend and now she is trying to replace me with all kind of people who do have nothing in common with me or her. Now i'm back into my memories about that time when I did not bother about her, in a time where she was my friend and we would share something sincere and real that had nothing to do with the conflict of cold stares and razor-sharp words we are waging against each other. She justifies her behavior by saying that I over-reacted (yeah i tried spitting at her feet and giving her the worst treatment but then I was hurt and it felt good when i did it...shame on me i guess) and that I should be trying to get over my feelings an try being her friend... worthless to me. It's been 10 months and I do know that I'm not getting out of this soon simply because i do not want things to be like that. I dont need to change my mind and stop loving her just because she is acting selfish and uncaring. She was my friend and I do like her for good reasons, I still love her for the same reasons and I dont want to be a beholder watching her going away from me without even being able to say farewell... I'm about to write her a letter of some sort, something pretty that she can keep all her life reminding her of someone who tried to love her imperfectly but then there are some days when i find all this effort i place in writing poems (which i keep for myself) worthless since she does not even deserve that attention... Some other days i think all that energy should be channelled somewhere creative and end up doing great things... Should I let her see my work ? Should I try to tell her all those things she does not seem to care about...? It was her idea...she mixed a great affection for me with love and made me believe it was love... Now i love her and she acts as if I have no importance for her... But then a friend whom you think you love must be more than just a usual friend you can dump in a trashcan...What am I to do... Should I write her all these things she tries to avoid or should i remain silent and try to keep my head above the muddy waters... ?

[misery12]

Okay, I am sort of confused, was she your girlfriend?

If so..

Than I need to ask you something.. Do you want to move on from her?

If yes, then the ONLY way you'll do this is to erase your physical memories of her, such as photos, letter.. and poems.

Writing poems to/for her.. Won't get you anywhere but lower.

 

10 months is a long time to be recouperating from a relationship, and I think the only reason it's been so long, is because you're still allowing her actions to affect you. This is because you haven't made the effort to get on with your OWN life, and forget her.

 

Am I right?

[heloladies21]

Well friend, you wanna know what you can do with all these emotions? Come and tell us, but don't write to her or anything like that. At least you'd be communicating with people who care about you. Take all this energy you have and put it into finding someone new. That's the next step and it will be all it takes to make ex seem like a distant memory.

[lady00]

I think Danimal has the right idea here. You need to get away from the anger and resentment for what happened in the past. Neither you nor she can undo any of that, so try your best to focus on the here and now and if you can, the future.

Also, try to put yourself in her shoes. It may seem crazy but it really will help you understand and deal with this situation better if you try to see her side of things. Arguing or making each other upset solves nothing. You say that when you tell her you love her, she gets angry. Don't do it. You need to be able to feel it without telling her because when you do, it's likely she feels pressured, like you're trying to get her to say it back. People don't like to feel pressure, they like to feel free to do and say what they please.

Don't write anything to her. Instead, keep a journal for yourself. Keep your work for yourself. Don't try to do anything to get a reaction from her or to make her confront something she doesn't want to confront. She needs to feel like she has choices and not like she has to do something or feel some way because you want her to. Don't give her too much information. Follow her cues. Treat her as she treats you. Don't contact her if it's going to lead to an argument because that makes you both feel worse. Only talk to her if you can be happy and indifferent...this is very hard to do if you are in love, but it's not impossible.

Bottom line...arguing and blaming her or telling her you love her won't get her to want you or return your feelings. Work through the negative feelings by writing and creating as you do. Do that for yourself and you will begin to feel better and more energized. Good luck!

[frozenblaze]

Thanks for the answer people... I have to admit I do not even want to get out of this situation for I believe much more in my feelings than anything else. I do have a life outside of her, a band, good friends and many projects to keep me involved with life. But then I lost someone I do care about, and there is nothing i can do beside trying to get away from her. I dont want to move because I think my love is not a worthless thing I can throw away. I do feel something which burns me everytime I see her... She was my friend but then she decided to go out with me... Now we are both living in our lies and it seems nothing ever happenned between us... I'm sick of knowing that the only way to get happy is to get out, I dont want to be happy I guess... Nothing seems logical in here... I dont want to apply logic to the situation I just want to confront the truth...

[danimal77]

The truth will only be found when you separate yourself from her. It does not have to be permanent, but you guys need distance. You can dispute that with me and with everyone else on here, but if you do, then you are not facing the logical truth of your current situation. You have to accept and not deny what's in front of your face. Your feelings are your feelings, but the fact is, she may not feel the same way. You cannot impose your thoughts and feelings onto her.

 

My friend, I will say it only one more time: walk away for now. Look her up in a few months if you still want to. This is your only chance of it working out. Anything other than that will only make it worse. I can guarantee you that.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[brando]

Frozenb,

 

I think Danimal is making a strong point, walk away and start taking care of yourself. Leave it be for now... it is the best thing for you to do. It is too close to the heart, the pain that is..it needs time to settle.

 

Start paying more attention to your feelings and look closely at your thoughts.. the only one who can make you happy is you, so begin doing so.

 

I feel your pain and can identify with your fustration.

 

Remember t does not matter how you feel, it is all about how she feels and what she wants right now.

 

be well,

Brando

[frozenblaze]

The thing is I do know that you all tell me the best thing to do... And i will be doing this but then she is moving away and I wont see her for a long time... I've done enough wrong things to get her back and all these have failed... Yeah I will move away from her and since school is starting soon i will have plenty of opportunity to fill that void with interesting people... Thanks for caring anyway... If there were more people like you we would all live in much prettier world and that is a truth... I just miss her and we do know that nothing can be done about it... You guys(girls) are great..really...

[brando]

maybe this time apart is needed. I dont know, all i can say is that it is very difficult if you focus on her, i am speaking from my experience. It is time to replace the thoughts of her with thoughts of yourself.

 

I dont know if breakups are suppose to be so hard, i understand their will be pain, but sometimes we (dumpees) are mising the big picture.

 

I think when we paly this ended relationship out over and over through our heads, we prolong the necessary healing. Not an easy thing to do for all of us. Talk is cheap, taking an action is the hard part.

 

Anyway best of luck to you....keep posting and reading.

 

Brando

[lawandorder]

I agree with all here. I can only say that the fist step in getting better is not dealing with it. As long as its been you need to step back and look in the mirror. If you had a son and he was going through this and he came to you for help what would you tell him??? I know from my past that it hurts and can drive you crazy. You look everywhere for someone to tell you what you want to hear and until you get better or hear it you wont get better. But if you hear it you wont get better either. I think I just rattled a bit. I feel you need to take care of yourself. School, career what ever. Take care of your body and get it the way you want. And date others. You dont even have to tell her. But fill the void. Never hurts to be in good company with a lady. When you want to talk to her come on here and talk to us. It will go along way in helping you and keep you away from contacting her. It helped most of us on here.