You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[princeslondon]

Hey guys, I feel for you! I'm a girl and I've been in your girlfriends situation before...my feelings had changed for an ex.. .they changed over about 6 months but I only really realised I wanted 'out' the last month of the relationship. It was hard, we'd been together for 2.5 years! I just grew apart from him, he was still my best mate but I didnt want to spend my life with him. He did the right thing and stayed away.....he didn't really contact me and I missed him to bits!! Started thinking....I've made a mistake, so I called him after about 2 weeks I think....said lets get back together.....we were good at first, but I realised that I had 'missed' my friend....not really my BF. Things then ended a second time and apart from a few cringey encounters, we havent met since.....I think he's married now with a kid. I on the other hand am divorced and have just come out of a relationship that was AWFUL because I keep choosing arseholes!! I shoulda stayed with him! Lol x

[JTP1994]

Once again, I feel you. Greatly.

 

My experience is the past 8 months of my life were the best 8 months I've had in so long, and I know that isn't equal to your 3 years but I CAN relate to the fact you loved this girl very much.

 

Now I obviously don't know her reasons but some people may accuse 'cheating' etc. But I can't see that being the issue here. IF things didn't feel the same she probably feels that you lost yourself in the relationship and valued her more than yourself or something of the likes, would you say you changed much over the past 3 years?

 

Anyway, the main thing here is that you don't know what her feeling was. And if you want to know, then you may go ahead and ask and try get the best answer possible but I would suggest you leave her alone for 4 weeks or so until both of your emotions have calmed so you can talk properly and be calm and collected with her and talk about what has happened.

 

And yeah she may be upset, she probably misses you. Hell, she probably thinks of you quite a lot too, if not the same amount - but this doesn't mean she's thinking of you and her together. She misses you and probably just feels bad that she has hurt you and feels that if you and her talk that it will cover her guilt and help her out.

 

Give her space for the next few weeks, see how you feel, improve yourself and get yourself back to who you normally are before you even think of contacting her again.

 

She needs space to atleast think, and decide what she wants or needs in her life. Give her at least 30 days and see how you and her feel. I'm not sure if I helped much or if this was really clear. But I hope so. Good luck.

 

Joe.

[JTP1994]

Do you still think of him? There was a thread on here not too long ago that was about someone who was married and felt uncomfortable because her husband felt more like her brother... During sex. So maybe you 2 being best friends in a relationship wouldn't have ended well. Eh?

 

How long did he not contact you for before you thought you made a mistake? I mean, I'm in some sort of low-level amount of hope that this will work with my ex as she wants me as a friend but she doesn't want a relationship. No matter what ANYONE says on here, no matter how much you tell others "I have no hopes" for their relationship reconciling, they're lying. I've just pushed it in the back of my mind so I don't think of her or the relationship now.

 

Thanks for your input anyway. I like a good read.

 

Joe.

[bobowe]

Hi, I am still looking for an example/answer...

 

My ex of 11 years, engaged for the last 3, broke up with me in June 13. She said the normal, “it’s not you, it’s me, I am not in love with you, but still love you” we remained friends until about Oct time... I also did allot of pleading and debating to get back together, but also maintained some fluff light hearted conversations when we hung out… Which was good, she could see some of the “new me,” I lost a load of weight, did a half marathon, eating healthy, hanging out more, less of a couch potatoe and doing more things, like I always was… Basically realised I became a bit negative with my views on the world, and neglected her somewhat, although I always cooked dinners, did dishes helped tidying up, hang curtains, aseemble furniture, did DIY chores, dates, drinks and planning stuff…. and I was always in love with her… Never ever did I actually think she is a , or I want out.

 

My work was just becoming very stressful, and it brought me down a bit. I was also saving money to buy a house, which she took as, he never spoils me… Even though we managed awesome holidays each year, two or three sometimes a year. I was just saving up, to get out of our rented house, and create our space that was uniquely ours. I am 35 & she is 33. We were planning on getting married in 2014… Just to add to my “life” a week after she dumps me, I lose my job, the one that made me so stressed and grumpy… So in essence, I lost everything because of that job… Working again, but it took two months! I guess part of the reason I remained friends for so long, it was a comfort for me, as well as a emotional comfort for her….

 

She told me on one Sunday at the end of September that she still thinks I am the perfect guy, she just do not know why she feels this way… But she made it clear she does not want to try again, and wants to go on the prowl from next year, to see if she can find someone else…

 

Then the FB backlash, some of our mutual friends defriended her, she told me that this is scuppering my chances, as I must have said something to them, that made them hate her… On another occasion, her closests girlfriend’s screamed at her for ing me around in her opinion… Again I got told it must have been something I said to her…. NOT TRUE!!! I have no control over their actions… Anyway, most our mutual friends took my side as the dumpee, because they feel she is just selfish and did not even think of talking things over after 11 years together… We actually bought some things for the house, went for lunch and got great couple photos taken on the day she dumped me, which was also my birthday, FYI….  I got dumped, out of the blue…

 

Realised she was just stringing me along, having her cake and eating it…. That is why I asked her for NC until Dec time….. (too late?)

 

We are both from the same part of the world, and we booked flights to go visit our families over Dec13 , way back in Jan 13…. So hence no contact from Oct - Dec, as we are bound to bump into each other at the Airport. (UK to South Africa flights by the way, 12 hours of weirdness to come in metal can in the scan) I made it clear, if she wants to contact me, she may….

 

Question is this. Have I completely ruined my chances of ever getting back together again? I do love her dearly, even though she turned me into a full blown mental case over this… I am doing OK after this, our 3rd week of no contact… And I do feel I have grown and learnt from this, but I do not want a friendship, unless it is because we are a couple again…

 

If you know of any such stories, or have own examples similar to me, please share?

[sharky988]

Bobowe, I really feel for you -- but honestly I've been on this site over a year now and haven't come accross any stories like yours that lead to reconciliation. I've also never had any friends or relatives who reconciled after splitting from a relationship that went 11 years without marriage.

 

Giving her the safety net of contact for the holidays GREATLY impedes your chances... now she doesn't have to go through the next few months facing the LOSS of having you in her life, she's got you right there, so there's no need to miss you. She's STILL having her cake and eating it.

 

Remember: she can't miss you if you don't go away.

 

Have you seen this recovery guide? It's written by a member of this site and might help you: link removed

[bobowe]

Hi Sharky988, I read the guide... Oh, no trust me, I only said contact can open from Dec, if she want's to.... BUT I am not going on holiday with her... I am going to visit my family and friends, she is going to hers... There is no intention of doing things together... Trust me, I have learnt being the "emotional support" is not good... She had it easy... So I am good now, just checking to see if there were a good story or two out there, bound to be... People get married, divorce and get back together... It does happen, just because you never had the formal marriage, does not mean you did not live as married couple... Less negatives, only positives

[sharky988]

Hi Sharky988, I read the guide... Oh, no trust me, I only said contact can open from Dec, if she want's to.... BUT I am not going on holiday with her... I am going to visit my family and friends, she is going to hers... There is no intention of doing things together... Trust me, I have learnt being the "emotional support" is not good... She had it easy... So I am good now, just checking to see if there were a good story or two out there, bound to be... People get married, divorce and get back together... It does happen, just because you never had the formal marriage, does not mean you did not live as married couple... Less negatives, only positives

 

I hear what you're saying.... but telling her she can have contact from December, is NOT letting her miss you.

 

It's letting her have her cake and eat it, too.

 

She ISN'T experiencing the loss of you in her life. She's cruising along, adjusting to being single, knowing that you're there as her safety net and come December you're right there waiting.

 

As for other couples, I'm pretty old now and the only couple I know who stayed together over ten years without being married, broke up eventually when the issue of having kids or not finally came into play, because it came out that one of them didn't want to commit to the other *forever*. All my other friends have either gotten married sooner and stayed together, or they broke up before passing the 10 year mark. In terms of similar stories on this site, I've yet to come accross any... maybe you'll have more luck finding one such story!

[MisSunny]

I read through this whole thread. The whole thing. And I got so much peace from it. I'm in no contact now, and I don't know if he'll ever even make any attempt to reach out to me. Part of me desperately wants him to, but I know that I'm nowhere near ready for that. I need more time to heal before I face him, and I'm using the time I have to become the person I want to be. Maybe that will lead to him seeing me down the road, and realizing what he's given up... Or not. If not, I'll still be in a better place, and not only that... I'll be a better person, too.

 

I'm just so thankful that there are people out there willing to help complete strangers through whatever pain they might be feeling. You guys are so awesome.

[LaRock]

I'm on day 4 of NC..I can't believe she's willing to give up three years of her life and everything we had ....shes young and needs to find herself so I'll use this time to find myself. It's not true love unless you go through some kind of hardship and make it out, it's easy to "love" someone if you don't have any struggles, I just hope she comes back to prove to me we had true love because that's exactly what I have for her. Life sucks sometimes man, but I learned my lesson and will be so much better to her or whoever I'm with in the future thanks to these experiences. God be in her heart as you are in mine.

[emmygreen]

Though I generally agree that this is the effect that trying to contact someone has. I also think that it is wrong. I am friends with literally all my exes. I have never ignored anyone in my life, blocked them, or been angry that they tried to contact me. Even if I really didn't want to deal with them, if they talk to me, I answer, simple respect and plain decency. Ignoring people and judging them as weak and emotionally a mess etc, that behaviour is childish, rude, insensitive and damn egotistical. If someone thinks that they are so important and so much better that they can't be considerate of someones's feelings and needs, especially if they hurt them, and it's their fault, then that is wrong. They should be the ones getting counselling.

If people are wise, they realise that history repeats itself, and hurt people-hurt people. If you do not confront things, grow, learn, and make peace with it all, it comes back to bite you. You repeat an endless cycle of pain that passes from person to person. My ex had trauma from his past where he didn't trust people, and he never really got over it, and it's part of the reason we are not together. Allegedly, he left me NOT because he didn't really care, or really wanted me out of his life, but because of fear that came from a stupid misunderstanding, having to make decisions with his mind not his feeling, etc. (it was a long distance thing) Yet, he made me feel we would be together in the future and then just left me without even saying goodbye. I already had plans to move where he was. It devastated me. If he really cared, then he should want me to be happy, and if I want to talk to him, that should not bother him. Unless he is hurting and just can't 'deal with it' or something. Whatever though, get over yourself. People are not hysterical, obsessed or unbalanced because they hurt and want to understand and make things better. They are human, and it's wrong to keep trying to discourage that. People need to take more responsibility for other people's feelings and learn to confront things, not run. That never solves anything. Talking and resolving is always better. Even if it doesn't ever lead to getting back together. He never confronted his past/his demons, and as a result, he keeps sabotaging everything good in his life and he admits this. But if I want to know how he's doing or want to be friends, then I'm 'pushing someone away'.

[2000SVT]

I realize this is an old thread, but looking for some advice before Friday.

 

My ex and I dated off and on for about 10 months. It originally started with us working together, but she was laid off a couple of months ago. Since then things really went down hill. She has major commitment / loyalty issues. I know I know, RUN!!! I however, was different than others according to her. She doesn't know what it is, but there's "something about me." Her words. We had discussed prior how'd she feel about a promise ring, and she was ok with it. On v-day I gave her one and she accepted it. Her and her kids spent 3 days / 2 nights with me and my kids that weekend. They've stayed over before, almost every weekend, but not for that length of time. I thought things went well, but right after that she started becoming distant. I didn't see her for another 2 weeks, and our communications declined considerably. Just this last Saturday she ended up. I was likely becoming a little clingy / needy because I could feel her pulling away so I was trying to counteract it. She's always decided she's moving out of state April 1st for a couple of months to visit with family because things just aren't going well for her here. She has 2 younger kids that will remain here during that time, then she might take them with her for a couple of months this summer. So potentially she could be gone for 2 - 4 months. I asked her when she broke up if she'd still consider "us" still, her response was no. So I asked if she'd consider "us" again once she got back on her feet. Her response was "I'm ok with telling you yes to that, I will." I've told her many times I love her, but she's never reciprocated. She's told me twice she loves me, but isn't in love with me and that she does care about me. I've done NC since Saturday, but she's coming to work on Friday to get her sister's laptop I repaired and likely exchange a couple of items.

 

Here are my two questions:

 

1) Do I ask for the promise ring back since she bailed after only 2 weeks? (We aren't talking a cheap one)

 

2) How do I act when I see her Friday? I'm nervous as hell that I'm going to dump on her.

 

I want to know why she's pushed me away completely, when I've done NOTHING wrong and I've been her primary financial support for the past 2 months. I've never put any conditions on my help. I asked her if I did something wrong, she said no you're a really great guy, I just don't have those feelings anymore.

[jphcbpa]

Is here R pattern typically be avoidant? The best thing you could do is back way off. Give her alllll the space she wants. Let her go for those 2 to 4 months.

[2000SVT]

What do I do about the ring? Ask for it back or let her keep it?

[jphcbpa]

What do I do about the ring? Ask for it back or let her keep it?

 

perhaps it is best to leave it alone for now. see is she brings it up. you did give it to her.

[professorplum]

If you want to cling to a glimmer of hope I say make no reference to the ring at this stage because that will just create bad feeling. Give her space for the time being and try and get on with your life as best you can and see how things are when she returns. Her head may be a lot clearer then. My concern is if you push now things could dramatically go downhill. Leave her with a positive memory of you and see where it takes her in the future. Try and be your normal charming self.

[2000SVT]

Thanks professorplum, I suppose you're right. If I had to put a dollar value on another chance it would far outweigh the cost of the ring...

[professorplum]

Yes if you put it that way I agree you can't put a value on another chance. It is good to have hope but please don't allow yourself to be set up for extreme disappointment in the future. Easier said than done I appreciate.

[2000SVT]

She won't even talk to me know. I wasn't bugging her about "us" but she has continued using my debit card w/out asking. I tried to discuss but she won't. Here is what she text me when I asked why she was treating me this way... "Yu did nothing wrong except ask for to much affection..I can't deal with that.. I can't be Yur friend cause our feelings for One another are total opposite. I dint hate yu.. I'm just not feeling this at all right now"

[professorplum]

2000SVT. Create your own individual thread on this whole story. You will get more hits and replies then which might help you to come to terms with what is happening. If you start from the beginning and get it all down there ought to be some useful comments from people. What has changed since your initial post?

[2000SVT]

I did create a thread and have had only 1 response.

 

Nothing has really changed at all other than her increasing distance between us. Not feeling good about seeing her today. Worried about pushing and maintaining my composure.

[overthemoon86]

Just wanted to bump this, really good advice here!

[Moe96]

Its been 6 months since my ex broke up with me. I beg and pleaded for 2 months and in the end she told me to stop and called me toxic and told me theres no future for us. Ive been 4 months NC she has a new boyfriend and has been dating him since valentines day. She wont text me or contact me I know that. Im basically okay without her, I just want to be on friendly terms because who knows what could happen. She doesnt miss me but I know she still talks about me (mutual friends). Im okay with the breakup and these past 4 months of nc Ive healed pretty well. What do you guys think?

 

Apologize for any typos im on my cell phone

[Alexx]

Hi there everyone. I know this thread is quite old, but I wanted to give it a shot since I really felt a connection to every post on here.

Hopefully I can get an answer *fingers crossed* Sorry this message will be a little long.

 

My ex girlfriend left me for around 1 and a half month ago. I am really struggling because I truly feel this girl is the love of my life. I don’t want to let go…

I have been no contact for a around one month, (she called once after a couple weeks and I did not pick up)

I have been in a very bad condition. Lost many pounds,anxiety/panick attacks, couldn't eat etc..

She on the other hand acting so indifferent and so happy.

Posting happy things all around and partying.

My problem is that I don't know if I shall let her really go or if I should have my hopes up.

This girl has been my best friend and rock through 7 years, tough we have not been in a romantic relationship all of those years we have always had this deep connection and soulmate bond. Through the years it has happen a lot of things and we have hurt each other, but always fought and found our way back togheter.

The last 2-3 years have been the most stable and we have had our problems like any other relationship ofc, but a good relationship I would say. We have always argued a lot.

We have lived togheter in an apartment in the city also with my other best friend. This summer we got a puppy togheter and I feel a little like that is something that may have provocted this situation.

 

She has always been this really good girl with good values and a heart of gold. Never gave up on me through the years although I struggled to give enough to her and the relationship.I took my a long time to give my whole self (The last two years I have gived everything I could) I am a highly sensitive person, and find it hard to trust people. But she has always been a person who has showed things with actions not just words like many do. She has always been so sure she loves only me and want to be with me. She is 23 years now I am 25.

 

She said to me when we broke up "you have been in my head since I was 16 years old and I have been kind of in a relationship with you in my head even though we haven’t been) Like she doenst know what her life would be like if I she hadn’t been with me/been in love with me.

 

She has said so many ambivalent things, like she loves me and want to be with me, but want to be alone and have no responsibility and be free to find herself and her own way. That her gut tells her these things..

She did not give me a proper conversation about these things, she started acting distant and I noticed and she slowly cowardly slipped away from me.. Goiong from don’t wanting to give up and said «I will not be gone in one day» but she kind of did..

She spent a weekend on a festival partying in the mists of this, and she didn't care about me and the puppy..Just left all responsebility.

One of these days she had this conversation with my mum about my dependence and that she felt like she was my extra-mum for me and that I needed to be more independent etc. I have been sick a lot, because Im struggling with some psychical stress that often gives me pain in my stomach and such things..

 

Anyways right before the breakup occurred I tried telling her I wouldn't give up on this and that I`m willing to do all I can and for the better things I know I can change about myself. Because over the weekend she was partying and acted distant I had a lot of thoughts and thinker about myself and what I may have done wrong in the relationship the past months

 

She has changed so much, acting out of character. I don't know if the job business she is in now my have affected her in some ways (fashion business) But recently she started be so self centered and egoistic. After it was over between us it is like she is desperate doing everything she can do that she couldn't do when we were togheter. I didn't even know she had this needs to be this person she is now. Like I said, she has always been full of moral, good values and at least fair.. it seems like she really has changed for the worse. I never thought she would leave me like this, and it this way.

 

She just threw me away like garbage. Cowardly, and I`m not sure if she really knows what she is doing. Other people around me also reacts on her behavior. Almost like she is 16 years and not showing me any respect, I have let her be and she is totally free to do what she want now. One of the last calls I had with her (Because she kind of broke up over the phone and text..almost like she tried pushing things on me so she didn’t need to give me a real conversation eye to eye)

Its like she couldn’t wait to be free, and couldn't even just give me some time so I could get on my feet again and be a little stronger before the next «bomb» on social media or something came out. She knows me so well, and never thought she could ever treat me this way.

seems like she really need all the attention from others around she could get, from people from her past and so on… freaks me out.

 

She knows I am a sensitive person and when I am sad I often become very ill, can't eat, throws up and such things..This is not like her, and even so couldn't she just wait a little bit longer..It hurts me so much. I love her so much, and I really thought she loved me.Through the breakup I was at my home city at my mums place. She and my mum have had great contact, and my mum has also really reacted on her behavior..

My mum heard our conversations and also I had her on speaker on the mobile phone through these days of the breakup.,so my mum could hear how she acted and what she said. I was so devastated didn't know what to do with myself. She has always chased me and never given up, talking about she wanted to marry me. Also a couple days before this started she asked me «do you think we`ll marry each other one day» things like that..

 

She said she love me and misses me, but that she believes we should not be togheter at this point, that we are a closed chapter, that she feel like she’s meant for something else. That her boss at work had said «a free bird is hard to catch» and that she felt somewhat like that… (very weird) I asked her, after everything we been through, you never gave up on me..do you want me to give up now and she said «yes» in this strange way.. I don’t know if I am fooling myself, but she has said so many ambivalent things like if we ever are to be togheter or something later on we have to be finish with each other in a real way - we have never been truly finish with each other (I am like whaaaat) Also said she has felt suffocated.. therefore (before the breakup occurred, I tried to tell her I really wanted to give everything to fix this so on) cause I didn’t know that she would actually leave, because she was so back and forth)

Everything that has been said haven’t been said in one conversation, its been said over several and I have been trying to pull out things from her because she has just acted distant and I couldn’t handle it…

 

After she had moved out her things from our apartment (I wasn’t there) She sent me a long text..telling me she is sorry for hurting me, and that she hopes I would understand her one day, that she is forever grateful for our time togheter and I was one the best people she had known.

The day after this she removed in a relationship on Facebook (without telling me) and I also got a new text where she asked me if she could pick up her VODKA she had forgotten at my mums house?!

I mean..I do not understand what her problem is

 

(also a thing to know, I am also a girl)

 

Should I just keep the no contact? She had told my little brother why she called me these weeks ago, because she was sad, but she also said it was fine I didn’t pick up because maybe I would have gotten my hopes up.,( felt like she said it in an arrogant way) Strange to tell my brother these thing. They have been working togheter on a fashion event, so she has been talking telling him things (even though he has not given her any reaction what so ever, he don’t like the way she has treated me)

she would know that these things will come to me in some form) Also said things about my personal life, me being sensitive and that kind of things. I feel so helpless, and she belittle everything like its the smallest thing in the world that has happen with us.

I have tried to point out the most important things, tough there are many more things.

 

Sorry for the looong message, I just feel so bad.. Really could need some advice

*Best wishes *

[kevin01]

Superdave71

 

 

 

 

I know what you mean, I think this way all the time; however, I am to the point I don't care anymore. If they truly love you, they will come back. If not move on.

 

I have initiate NC for 1.5 weeks. He called me one day 8 times, text me on Friday, called again 1:00 in the morning 3 days after, and now called again 2 days ago. It was his birthday, I just simply ignore it. NO Bday emails, letters, called. NOTHING.

 

MOVEON

 

People be strong in NC. DO NOT PICK UP THE PHONE FOR ANY REASON.

Every time I get weak, I call, and than back to square 1. DEPRESSION.

 

what do you mean. was he the one that broke up with you. or you broke up with him?

if you broke up with him why would you do NC...

 

im confused on how it works...

[jslow2]

Wow, read up to page 57 so far, great post