You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[thebeginning]

please read my PM and relationship forum...i broke NC today...please help!!!

[lonelyfish]

Wanted to post this to the top, I think some need to refresh themselves with SuperDave's advice with the hoidays approaching. Just looking out for everyone!

[thebeginning]

i hear yah! it's extremely necessary to follow what he says. take it from me..i did EVERYTHING SD says not to an now i have to start from square one.

[SuperDave71]

thebeginning,

 

 

We have all made those mistakes...trust me....as long as we learn from them and don't make them again....

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

 

SuperDave71

[OCD]

Hi SuperD and everyone...

I'm feeling a little down, but getting better. It's still a long story regarding my ex and she has a lot on her plate right now with her son, her surgery, her mother's surgery, her birthday, Christmas, etc.....so I'm not really a priority in her life after talking to her...I actually haven't heard back from her in two weeks after our 'talk' about starting to work things out. I tried to call her twice and spoke to her the second time. That was right after her mother came out of surgery; this was on Thurs last week. She said that she'd call me back because her surgery is today or tomorrow. I haven't heard back from her and I'm a little upset.

Do I continue to play it cool with her? Do I continue to let her treat me this way in hopes that we work things out? I don't think so...I'm a little upset and I think the next time she calls I'll ask her not to call me again, becuase she's bouncing me around like a yoyo. I've asked her many times now that I don't want to talk as friends, but she calls and acts like she misses me, wants to hang out, talks about our relationship, etc...then nothing for a couple of weeks?? I just wanted to get you take SuperD, I don't think I've done anything to really push her away...and she's showed signs that she wants to work it out....I don't know what to do now. I really need to stand up for myself at this pointe and tell her I'm not putting up with this game any more,right? I've just played it cool hoping that she'd see that person she fell in love with.....Thanks guys.

 

OCD

[coooolsome]

OCD, continue NC and keep moving on with your life. You were doing well and then this happened and now you are stuck in limbo again. She will call and she probably has a lot of things on her mind right now. My ex said she would call to but didnt until like 2 weeks later. They are busy and yes, we are not a priority in their life right now and they shouldnt be a priority in ours. I know you care about her and she will call after her surgery.

 

Play everything cool. If she continues to talk to you as a friend, stop answering her calls. Answer ever other call and keep things under 5 min. If she keeps doing it, ask her why she keeps calling if she doesnt want to work things out. But play it cool like it doesnt bother you. You can show no emotions, none what so ever.

 

For example.....my ex and I went to lunch the other day and somehow we got to the topic of clothes and she asked me if I threw away everything she ever gave me. I told her I didnt b/c they are perfectly good clothes. Now, I didnt ask her if she threw away anything of mine, why, b/c I didnt care. I bet you she was waiting for me to ask just to test me but I didnt.

 

Women these days play so many mind games that its crazy. You have to basically not play the game. Basically you have to do the opposite of what they want you to do. I never thought my ex would play these games but she does. I just didnt realize it until recently. Best thing you can do is to keep moving forward with your life and acting like she isnt coming back.

[OCD]

Thanks Cooolsome, that makes sense. Thank you. I'm still not sure if I should send a Get Well card. I don't think she even cares about what's going on in my life besides who I'm dating...she's always asking about that the last few times we talked. I am still doing pretty well and trying to move on, but I've always felt bad about this breakup. It still hurts. So if she still calls like were just friends I'll just tell her to stop calling, no way I'm not putting up with this any more and she's not listening to me. It's all about her...that's not fare. I tried to call her last Thurs and she said that she'd call me back. And she hasn't yet, that's just wrong and rude. I don't care how much she has going on in her life a 2 second call wouldn't hurt her. I just don't get it?! Sorry I'm just venting now and let it go...thanks for the kind words....I'll try to keep it cool, like always.

 

OCD

[thebeginning]

yes, i'm learning from my mistakes. i'm back to NC..3 days now. it seems so short but i had to start over. it's funny but i don't really think my ex cares either way that i don't contact him anymore...he would prefer i stay as far away as possible actually. sometimes i feel stupid when i think about it because he's not thinking about it. but like SD says we learn from our mistakes.

 

it took making some pretty BIG ones to finally do NC. i can't wait until a month from now when i can say it's been one month of NC!!!! it seems sooooo long away but i know i can do it.

[SuperDave71]

thebeginning,

 

 

The thing I could NOT get through my head in the beginning was:

 

 

IF YOU DO NOTHING...THERE CAN BE NO INTENSIONAL MISTAKES

 

 

Once I figured that out......NC was alot easier.

 

 

 

 

-Merry Christmas

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[SuperDave71]

Did anyone get their Christmas wish?

 

 

-SuperDave71

[AC874]

Not me.

 

I guess I truly know where I stand with that witch

[matthews2k4]

Hey SuperDave,

 

That is a great post!!! I am going through that right now. Please read my post if you can and tell me your thoughts. The hardest thing to do is NC. But I know I have to do it.

[Juha]

No...

She texted merry xmas at midnight I did not respond until Christmas morning...It really does not mean anything as she texted my friend also and she does not speak to him very often...

 

She did not remember my birthday this past week... I guess I really mean crap to her now...How can she be so cold and selfish to me after I treated her so good???

 

I know I made mistakes and I needed to get help but do I really deserve this???

[OCD]

Did anyone get their Christmas wish?

 

 

-SuperDave71

 

 

Hi SuperD,

No I didn't get my Christmas wish....I didn't get a call and of course I didn't call her...I just had a wonderful time with family...they're staying with me so that took my ex off my mind yesterday...we had a great time. Like some friends have told me, perhaps she's still in a daze from her sugery, her mother's surgery, her son, her birthday, etc. That's why she hasn't called because of the pressure going on. I just wish she would want to talk to me about those things....I didn't send her a card either...I hope she's ok??? I'm just taking care of me and trying to have fun and not think about her too much....although I missed her this year. I'm just going to wait till things cool down for her and maybe then she'll be ready to contact me again...I'm still wishing though SuperD that she comes around...I do have a little hope there and I've come so far...I just wish that she'd call....it is her turn. Thanks for being here...I gotta run...any advice is always appreciated. Thanks and hopefully we all get a better New Year!!!

 

OCD

[Rivpt]

Hi Everyone,

 

I'm not new to this site but i'm new to posting on this site. I read all kinds of threads and this one really caught my attention. Superdave, i wish i found your advice months and months ago before going through what i've gone through. i'm going to keep my own story short, even though i could probably type forever about it. pretty much i dated a girl for two years, nothing really happened i think she just had some personal issues (ie her parents do not get along, dysfunctional family, she used to be on medication for depression) and we broke up. of course i did what everyone does and looked like an idiot trying to get her to want me again, and that didn't work. i actually was able to go NC for about a month after finally giving up...and then she started calling again. at this point i tried to just be "there" for her (which i know was the wrong move, hindsight is 20/20) when her parents were having more issues, but i got hooked again emotionally and was back at square one.

 

all summer long we hung out, didn't talk too much about "us" and just let things happen. there were ups and downs but it pretty much reached a point where i couldn't take it anymore. there would be a lot of tension and things would be great sometimes and bad others, mostly b/c we were both so frustrated.

 

anyway, to get to the point...i just left her house (she is home from grad school for winter break) and did the hardest thing i have ever had to do. although it's been a year of "limbo" with us, i had to tell her that i still care a lot about her but i can't be in this situation anymore. it actually went a lot better than expected, and she told me that she needs to figure out her own issues and all this really had/has nothing to do with me. i told her she'll always have a special place in my heart but that i need to move forward with my life and get back to being my old self again. it got pretty emotional, i know she still loves me even though it's been so long (as i do her) but it is just not the right circumstances for us to work things out. i think that just is the way life goes sometimes, that even if two people love each other it doesn't necessarily mean that they'll be together.

 

anyone that has had this conversation with someone they love and has some advice, i'd appreciate it. i think this forum helped me a lot to see that i need to just get my own life back in order before moving on with anyone, especially my ex. and today is an early "new years" for me, cause i'm starting fresh this year and i'm going to be happy again if it kills me. i wish that i could be starting a new year working things out with my ex, but that isn't what God has planned for me right now and it's about time i accepted it.

 

sorry for the long post, it's taken me a long time to get through all 75 pages of this thread...but i feel like i know each one of you now. i felt like it was just time for me to chime in.

 

~P

[Rivpt]

Hi Everyone,

 

I'm not new to this site but i'm new to posting on this site. I read all kinds of threads and this one really caught my attention. Superdave, i wish i found your advice months and months ago before going through what i've gone through. i'm going to keep my own story short, even though i could probably type forever about it. pretty much i dated a girl for two years, nothing really happened i think she just had some personal issues (ie her parents do not get along, dysfunctional family, she used to be on medication for depression) and we broke up. of course i did what everyone does and looked like an idiot trying to get her to want me again, and that didn't work. i actually was able to go NC for about a month after finally giving up...and then she started calling again. at this point i tried to just be "there" for her (which i know was the wrong move, hindsight is 20/20) when her parents were having more issues, but i got hooked again emotionally and was back at square one.

 

all summer long we hung out, didn't talk too much about "us" and just let things happen. there were ups and downs but it pretty much reached a point where i couldn't take it anymore. there would be a lot of tension and things would be great sometimes and bad others, mostly b/c we were both so frustrated.

 

anyway, to get to the point...i just left her house (she is home from grad school for winter break) and did the hardest thing i have ever had to do. although it's been a year of "limbo" with us, i had to tell her that i still care a lot about her but i can't be in this situation anymore. it actually went a lot better than expected, and she told me that she needs to figure out her own issues and all this really had/has nothing to do with me. i told her she'll always have a special place in my heart but that i need to move forward with my life and get back to being my old self again. it got pretty emotional, i know she still loves me even though it's been so long (as i do her) but it is just not the right circumstances for us to work things out. i think that just is the way life goes sometimes, that even if two people love each other it doesn't necessarily mean that they'll be together.

 

anyone that has had this conversation with someone they love and has some advice, i'd appreciate it. i think this forum helped me a lot to see that i need to just get my own life back in order before moving on with anyone, especially my ex. and today is an early "new years" for me, cause i'm starting fresh this year and i'm going to be happy again if it kills me. i wish that i could be starting a new year working things out with my ex, but that isn't what God has planned for me right now and it's about time i accepted it.

 

sorry for the long post, it's taken me a long time to get through all 75 pages of this thread...but i feel like i know each one of you now. i felt like it was just time for me to chime in.

 

~P

[kenbo]

My wish came early...2 months after the breakup we did sporadic NC (me)/contact (her). she broke up with the 3 week rebound and made contact with me during thanksgiving and a couple weeks later when we bumped into each other at the gym. I tried to cut it short twice but she asked me out for coffee. So we had coffee...not a whole lot of catching up, more like asking about how I was doing since I was obviously taking it harder than her. When we parted I was numb because nothing changed- back to NC. 10 days later she texted me at 2am, said she missed me, admitted the breakup was hard on her too and hated to admit it. the next day she wanted to have din...we met up and picked up where we left off, totally loving each other's company, not talking about the relationship, and not wanting the nite to end. I acted like myself, like I was all healed and moved on...we fell off the wagon after hitting a couple bars and had a passionate night together. By the next morning she was doubting herself again and kicking herself for being in bed with me...nuts, we're both adults and she wanted to be there just as much as I wanted her there. After a couple more hours of bed tossing she admits she feels "lost" and wants to talk about it. I jokingly started to nail her to the wall..."you're a control freak. "You say want to talk about us but you never want to talk about it. "You're afraid to let yourself love and be loved (her rebound said the same thing to her)." She left wanting to re-visit after her day's activities...by nitefall she questioned whether we could be friends. Fine i said. I essentially said nothing because nothing changed...despite the great evening we had she managed to ruin it and yet I was still numb. Perhaps it set me back a couple weeks but we both got something out of it. By midweek she wanted to meet at the gym and hook up to help her get some gifts (so much for the no friends stance)...I was away and didn't tell her so i'm not sure if that made her miss me more. She went back home for the holidays but we text each other still...not sure how it will be when she gets back.

 

My bad for not sticking with NC...I know I should be breaking the cycle because she keeps repeating it. I'm angry with myself and frustrated because I should be home with her like I was last year. I'm not as depressed as before but I still wake up sleepless at 4am. I'm actually getting tired of drinking every nite just so I can sleep. I don't feel worse nor better off than I was when we last met, but we both got a reminder of what makes us such a great pair when the relationship is selectively blocked off her mind. Those two days were the happiest I've felt in two months...given the circumstances I could not have asked for a better wish. Back to work (NC).

[butterflygirl716]

Superdave,

 

Insight please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FYI on me and d: im 23 he is 30. went out two months...then poofed stating too many things going on ( sis is gay, living at home, two jobs) everything was wonderful up to that pt. Treated me like gold. then didnt contact me nor did i for 3.5 months. We were close to...but never had sex. He was willing to wait and get tested for me when I was ready. Broke up before we did. he disappeared in sept stating his life was too crazy and resurfaced two weeks ago...I had made no contact with him for those four months. His friends had come into where I worked and his coworkers, but he never was there. I did know things trickled back to him.

 

 

aNYway, dec.16, he shows up at my work, i manage a restaurant, with his coworkers. we make eye contact and we chat it up. I was flirty and nice, one I was at work, and two I had gotten past my anger. He apogized a dozen times and said his life was crazy when we first went out...Since then he has moved out on his own, got rid of his second job, and is making more money and working less. I said good. i told him I never thought bad things abotu him, and he said he didnt call because I hadnt and then he didnt know what to say. He asked abotu my life, asked if my # was the same, we went over good times, he said we really did have fun together, then he told me he uses the alarm clock I got him everymorning...its an inside joke.

 

So after a while, i excused myself and went to work,,,he stuck around with his cowrkers for another two hours. then when he was leaving..i said fgood seeing you, and he said i will call you and we should hang out. I was like yes. he said why do you always think I wont. I said no i believe you..hugged three times, three very close 2 mouth kisses and he left. He sent me three forwards that week for xmas....

 

Fast forward to the following fri. His company has xmas party where i work. i oversee parties. I look sexy and hot knowing he will be there.

 

When he gets there...he finds me and kisses me and gives me a bottle of wine for xmas...I smile you shouldn't have. He goes into his party. All the guys are flirting with me and i am like haha D. Anyway, he leaves kisses me on the cheek and says his week is flexible he'll call monday to set up something. i give him a copy of my first cd single and he leaves. He calls me ten min later, and leaves a vm...Really like your song, i want some lyric clarification...I didn't call him back...Calls me again at 8pm. I was working but it was slow, so i picked up...says song is great, asks if work is busy, says he will stop in to pick up some food to go,,,and he wants to see me.

 

Comes in, had had a few drinks, and we sit for a bit. then he goes to leave, hugs me and kisses me. He says I am so sorry, i never wanted to hurt u. I've thought abotu you alot the last four months, i didnt call because I was scared, and that he admires me for following my dreams, that i am a great person, not man like me, he still likes me and asks me out for lunch monday...he says he wants to talk about things. I said ok. we kiss more, and he says see what you are doing to me....referring to a hard on, and I said well too bad you will be going home alone, and he said how could you do that to me. I smirked. we kissed said merry christmas, and i said i would clal him mon morning when i was done with my meeting to set a time.

 

Flash forward mon. Call 10:30am leave vm for him. He calls me at 1pm. Says he went out Xmas night, and slept late and now he has to run some impt errands ( get to a dentist help his grandmother) and that he has to postpone. mind you he was kind of eh about it, not very apologetic. I told him I was busy for the best of the week, and he said "Some thigns never change with me. I'm horrible at making plans, and sticking to them" i was like yup ( he could tell I was disappointed) but I said we are both busy people and i dont have a lot of free time so. I told him the only time i could hang out was later that night. and he said "did you leave the whole day open for me?" I said no. Its the day after xmas and i have off. plus i dont make plans on top of plans. He says ok let me go get this stuff done and we can get dinner. I will call you later to set up a time.

 

NEVER CALLS. So i dont know what to think or do? What was the pt? Ideas, comments, help please!!!

 

Sorry for the length...im treading water people...

[vandgsmom]

I think I may have gotten my wish.... My ex husband and i who have been dancing around talking about the possibility of attempting to maybe seeing each other again and then more than likey getting back together finally had the talk... (did that confuse you as much as it did me??) He told me that there was no one else for him and all that stuff, so we are in negotiation now (or something like that) there is still stuff to be gotten around before I will start seeing him again, but ahhh the possibilities..... We were NC except for the baby-swap stuff for almost a year and a half...

 

So there is HOPE!!! Happy New Year

[Comanche]

Normal_man, you aren't acting normal driving to her house at 4am. you are obsessing, and borderline stalking. When I was young, 18-20 I did that foolish stuff. I think that NC is good, but I also think that if you implement it too much, the other party might misunderstand and think you don't care. My advice would be to just give space and time, and be patient. Wait 2-3 weeks, send a card that says, "hope you are well" and that's it. Maybe a quick e-mail. Don't have confrontation and be pleasant without talking about the relationship or getting back together. If you feel she is worth it, you may as well figure on going slow and making it a several month process. You may not want her back after this time. You need to work on yourself and be different or she won't be back I can assure you. When you want to do something, like call or e-mail, it will be a good way to work on yourself to simply do nothing. I think some of the suggestions here, especially from Super Dave are good, but I disagree on such an extreme form of no contact. Space, patience and time, yes, and just say hi every few weeks to feel it out. Learning to control your impulses and your emotions will help in any future relationship with her or anyone else. I know for me, this is what I need to do for my situation, and it may work, and may not, but in the mean time I leave her be for awhile, date others and try to become a better person. But I won't ignore her completely for months, I want her to know, without pushing, that the door is still open if she wants to explore it.

[Comanche]

Trish Collins, you kight want to read a book called "he's just not into you" or "It's called a breakup because it's broken". You are allowing yourself to be repeatedly rejected which is dangerous to your self esteem. i don't know what's happening with you now, but the bottom line, is you need to move on. Period. He sucks, you pursue him, you argue and get pushed aside, you deserve better, etc etc etc. It's hard, but taking care of yourself and healing yourself is top priority. Move on and stop the self defeating behavior.

[Frangipani]

I guess the thing that most people don't understand, is that NC is for yourself only. We all go into NC hoping that it will change the mind of the person we want back, we hope they will miss us and come running. Sometimes they do, but it's not until you actaully start to feel better in yourself from the NC that you beging to think, 'well, if they don't come back, I think I might be ok".

 

My situation is complex. I was attatched when I fell in love with someone and he me. The guilt ate me up and I said I could'nt take it any further. We had felt that way for over a year but I couldn't be with him until I had sorted my other relationship out. So, two weeks after I had said 'I can't do this for a bit' I realise that he is the one I truly love, but in that short time, he hooks up in a rebound with an old ex-friend of mine, who has also just split with her boyfriend. My worst nightmare. I tell him I'm single now and to give me some time to heal...but we can finally be together in a while. But he won't stop seeing her - after 2 lousy weeks.

 

This hurts terribly, as they barely know one another and he and I have a history as best friends also for 2 years. I see him once while visiting his state and we make love. But since that weekend, he has not quit with her. Its been 3 months. the first two were hell. Guys here think women lead men on....believe me, guys do it too. He was telling me he loved me all the time and 'still saw a future with me', but would not give this new person up (a person who never had the time of day for him at all before) for what he had always wanted...me. He wouldnt let me visit but seemed to need to talk to me more than her on a daily basis on msn etc which I found perplexing.

 

I know I pushed him away, but it was because I had integrity, and wanted to do the right thing for all. I was a mess until 3 weeks ago, severly depressed. I tried not to speak of 'her' or their relationship but kept finding out that they were travelling to see one another over and over...and yet he was saying he loved me and still saw a future!! I finally asked him who he was in love with, me or her...he told me "you cannot ask that of me".

 

That was three weeks ago. I could not take any more. My therapist suggested NC too - for a month, for my own health and wellbeing. It has been 3 weeks now and its has been hard, but i have done it. I do have one piece of advice, tell them you are going to do NC before you do. I said everything I wanted to say, got it off my chest and then said, "I won't be contacting you for a month, I need to heal". Seriously, I let him have it in and honest but confident way. not nasty at all, but I made sure I said that he was 'stringing me along' and 'I will not be treated this way by ANYONE, especially not by someone who says they love me". End your contact with strength and dignity too, don't be needy in your final words. You may be hurting inside - but self respect is everything, and to be quite honest, they will respect YOU more for it.

 

What has been the hardest is that mutual friends tell me that she is saying 'he is the one' and 'Im so sure this is going to work out for us' after 3 months of them visiting one another every now and then (they live in different cities). It is heartbreaking to hear this stuff, but I have kept NC up.

 

I had a text from him at Xmas which surprised me and hurt a little at the same time. he said Merry Xmas and that he missed me alot and 'still has the same strong feelings that he always had." Great...just what I needed to hear...not! So i just texted back, "merry xmas to you too", nothing more. But...I do feel better in MYSELF for doing this. Yes, I admit I am still hoping this will make him see what he is losing, because in 2 years this is longest we have not spoken, but as time goes by, I'm also able to cope with my grief more easily and think rational thoughts like, "Well, I guess if he loved me like he says nothing would stand in the way of us being together - but hes with her so just let it go. Time will tell".

 

What I am trying to say is that I am treating NC as a way to heal 'myself' as the number one priority rather than just a tool to 'get him back'. I mean, if it helps and does happen that he wants to get back together, it will also be much healthier for me because NC has allowed me to take back more control of my life again. It also means that I will also be the strong, confident person I was when he and I met and fell in love in the first place - not the needy, pathetic doormat that I had become. I will NOT be second best to anyone and I won't share a man either. I could NOT say that 3 weeks ago and mean it.

 

Use it to heal yourself first and if they do happen to miss you and realise you are what they want afterall, then it's an added bonus. Just wanted to share...like Dave.

[SuperDave71]

HOLY MOLY!

 

Where have I been? I had to take 20 min to catch up on all the new posts ..

 

Sorry for the delay folks but I am back now!!

 

 

 

Hope your Christmas was a GREAT one!!!!

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Comanche]

Good article.

 

link removed

 

link removed

 

link removed

 

link removed

[Amore]

Thanks for those articles Comanche, they really helped me evaluate the situation and decide my reasonings for NC