You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[Hawk]

OCD Do you think she already knows that you are not interested in a friendship?

[OCD]

Hi there,

Yes, I'm pretty sure I've mentioned it several times over the last month. First, I told her that I felt uncomfortable telling her every little detail about my life now. I just didn't think she deserved that after leaving me. I figured we could just chat a little and see if she'd open up to me and small talk, then go from there. That didn't happen she became overly curious about everything and it was only on her terms. I asked her out to coffee twice and she asked for a 'rain check'. Second, I told her that I wouldn't be interested any more if she were to just call me as "good friends" because I thought her calls were for her own selfish reasons and curiosity. I didn't want to be a fallback guy in case things didn't work out for her. I said a friendship at this pointe wouldn't be good for me because I'm healing and still have feelings there. Yet, my phone rang 5 times last week without picking it up. So I hope she's coming around and I'm standing my ground. I hope it's the right move?

 

OCD

[Hawk]

I think it is the right move not to answer - she knows what you want and it sounds like the contact that she is attempting to make is not about meeting your needs. As others have posted, if your ex wants to get back with you they would move heaven and earth to open up the lines of communication.

[Rippedapart]

Hey SuperDave !!!

Heres one for you, Im in the same boat as all of the postings I have read over the past three days you all have posted, all I can say is AWESOME, and my heart goes out to each and everyone of you, Here is a good question for you, what would you suggest if, my wife of 17 years was (pushed) out the door (and you know how I did that, trying to talk about the relationship) but I have to admit she dropped the bomb on me 8 months ago and the first 5 I tryed to talk about the relationship...DUMMM!!!...but what the problem was

[MelaleucaMan]

Thanks for the words mate! Means a lot!

Well Wow! I've found some very true friends in my town this week, and some not so true too!

Some have shown me true love and others have treated me like a leper...

As I live in Japan, I did what I think is the right thing, and went to a temple and prayed for my unborn child, telling him/her that 'Daddy had no say in this'. In Japan this is the customary thing to do when a child is aborted. Parents usually speak to the child through a prayer note, or statue as often can be seen in Japan. Many people mistake these statues for mini-Buddha's, but in actual fact they are representing aborted children.

I'm a Christian by nature, and spiritualist by choice, and accept all religions...which is why I felt it okay to pray to my baby through a Buddhist temple....the ex on the other hand is probably too self centred to do so.

Mistakenly I looked at abortion pictures last night on the internet and had trouble sleeping....my ex made me feel like it was my fault through her emails, and I almost believed it today....

I know now it's NOT my fault! The whole thing is due to a misunderstanding in communications....

In fact...I believe my ex can't handle the fact that I'm so understanding...does that make any sense?

 

Anyway, I'm now in the phase of NC for my OWN good!

I still love my ex despite everything...but know now, I could NEVER take her back....

 

Believe me people, the advice in these pages should be adhered to...NC is definitely good for YOU!

If your ex loves you, they'll come back...if not, MOVE ON!

 

-----------------------------------------------------------

Even though your heart is breaking....smile....as hard as it is to do so!

[keefy1972]

OCD she already KNOWS you're not interested in just a friendship with her and to tell her that again is nothing more than an excuse to break your no contact. You've told her this already. Your NC is a way to now prove that you meant it. You have to stick by it until the words you need to hear come out of her mouth. Give it another 3 or 4 calls before you answer. Okay?

[OCD]

Thanks Keefy, I appreciate it. That makes sense and you're right. It's hard to see the answers from the inside. It takes someone looking in to open my eyes a little. I'll hold off a few more calls....stay tuned. Thanks man.

 

OCD

[SuperDave71]

Hang in there Keefy and OCD....

 

 

I am here if you guys need me!

 

 

-SuperDave71

[OCD]

Thanks SuperD...you've always been there for me. I appreciate it. If you haven't been following...I got 5 calls last week and she actually left me a message to call her back....I held strong. As you can see I'm back to NC...she knows where I stand now. I'm hanging in there...thanks.

 

OCD

[OCD]

OCD she already KNOWS you're not interested in just a friendship with her and to tell her that again is nothing more than an excuse to break your no contact. You've told her this already. Your NC is a way to now prove that you meant it. You have to stick by it until the words you need to hear come out of her mouth. Give it another 3 or 4 calls before you answer. Okay?

 

Mornin' Keefy,

I was just reading this quote over and over again to get some strength. Thanks. I haven't received any calls since last Sat. I guess I'm just thinking about it too much. I actually saved the message she left me and listened to it a couple of times...why am I torturing myself? Like you said above, I did mention that I wasn't interested in a friendship. It wasn't a major pointe of the conversation though, so I'm not sure if she even got the pointe. If I remember correctly I just said " I hope you understand that if you want to hear from me again as a friend, I won't be so interested". I never really got a major response from that. I've just been dropping subtle hints over the last few times we talked so it wouldn't come off as an ultimatum. I didn't want to pressure her. I keep thinking if I'll even get 3 or 4 more calls since I didn't pick up the last 5...I'm trying to move on, but I've come so far and having been playing my cards right. I really thought I had another chance with her...

 

OCD

[keefy1972]

You do man. You can't think of terms of how many calls. It's only been a week since her last call. A week in the scheme of a lifetime is like a minute to an entire day. Maintain your strength.

[gabodi]

Hi all,

 

Thanks for posting so many great responses. It makes me feel a lot better, and confident that NC really works. Here's my story:

 

My gf of 3 years broke up with me last year. With my other ex's before her, I did everything but NC. I was paranoid that if I stopped talking to them, they would think I wasn't interested, or didn't care. I would send sweet emails, cards, letters, blah, blah. It never ever worked. So with my last ex, I went completely NC, in that I never called her. After only a few weeks, she began to call me every single day. This went on for 7-8 months and I was beginning to worry that she just liked me as a friend. Or in other words, she had her cake and got to eat it too. However, after the 8th month of this, she told me she wanted to marry me and have a life with me. BUT, by then I was over it and on to better things. But let me tell you (and this may sound bad), what a great feeling it is to "win the battle".

 

Now, I have a new dilemma. I had been dating this girl for 3 months. She's totally awesome, and I'm really into her. Last night she said she needs a break and we can't date right now. She said that I'm totally awesome, but that she's not 100% sure of her feelings. She said that in a few weeks we could probably start dating again, and that she needs to see if she's making a huge mistake by ending it with me. I'm totally going to do NC with her. However, we work together! We work right accross the hall together! I know that I won't call her at home, but does anyone have any advice of how I can initiate NC with her with the situation that I'm in??

 

Thanks for reading

[keefy1972]

I'm in the same situation as you. When you see her at work, smile at her and get on with your work day. Keep yourself too busy to bother with her. If she approaches you with conversation, be friendly, but after a minute or two, excuse yourself saying you have something that has to get done or some other excuse.

[gabodi]

It's pretty tough eh? How is the NC working for you? Does it make you feel sad to see her at work?

[SuperDave71]

Hello all,

 

Being in the same environment can be a tough one but it can be handled with grace and positive energy. If you see your ex, or someone who has needed a break from a relationship that is in the same location, including home, be nice but not overbearing. If you start to just IGNORE someone, they can see through that and even start to make judgements about who you are? ( I never saw that side of ??? before? I wonder if this is who they really are? ) To be ignored is just cruel, especially if you had any sort of positive feels towards one another.

 

If you get a work email...answer it but be brief to the point and friendly. Do not ask "so how are you". This could open a floodgate or assumed pressure wanting to know if they miss you, are seeing someone else, or possibly not interested in getting back together whatsoever. If you only see one another....smile. Be friendly but do no over do it. Be yourself. Do not go out of your way to "run" into someone at work or just happen to stumble accross the copier near their dsk.

 

****WARNING****

 

LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY TO THIS ONE:

 

 

DO NOT..DO NOT ASK MUTAL FRIENDS OR THEIR FRIENDS THAT HAVE LIKED YOU...HOW THE OPPOSITE PARTY IS DOING.

 

 

The reasoning behind this is because you want to give them all the space they need. If you ask friends, its almost certain the other party will be told. Even though it can be in the best intentions, information, what you said, what you meant, what was interrpreted or even assumed can hurt you in the end. I have stated it many times before and I will say it again...

 

** If someone breaks up with you....or needs "space" GIVE IT TO THEM!

 

GIVE THEM ALLLLLLLL THE ROOM THEY NEED....

 

 

If you have any questions or comments, post away....I will be more than happy to try to answer your questions if possible.

 

 

 

Your friend,

 

SuperDave71

[keefy1972]

Well, I haven't exactly had a lot of success with it to be honest. I would be good for a few days and then I would get weak. In those times, I would actually analyze her every move trying to find some way to convince myself that it's okay to break NC. The key is being busy especially in your times of weakness. The problem with me is, I'm never sad when I see her, if I were sad I wouldn't want to see her. She makes me feel great. It's when she leaves and I know that's the last I'll see or hear from her in who knows how long. (That's in my mind, in reality I don't usually go more than a day or two before I see or hear from her). Just don't let your mind trick you into thinking in terms of "goodbye forever".

[keefy1972]

Thanks for FINALLY touching on my particular situation Dave. Gabodi what Dave is saying is exactly right.

[gabodi]

This will be tough. Monday will be the first day I see her at work. It's going to be hard for me not to feel sad and want to talk to her.

 

Do you think by doing the NC thing at work and seeing each other at work, it's an advantage for us getting back together, or a disadvantage?

[keefy1972]

Well, in the latest issue of Men's Health magazine, there was a study that found people find those they see everyday to be more attractive than those they don't. So I think it would be an advantage. To an extent.

[SuperDave71]

Gabodi,

 

 

If you act sad feeling it will invoke some sort of sympathy....your wrong. I am positive this is NOT your intent but I want do not expect you to be all smiles, bubbly and positive either. Just do your best to remain calm and not let what is in the inside ( your being hurt) slip out if you can help it. The best tatic for this is to remain indifferent. If you see her, smile and go on about your business. There is no way me or anyone else can just tell y ou what to do. Base your future judgements on what NOT to do....there in lies your answers.

 

 

Hang in there...

 

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

 

SuperDave71

[keefy1972]

Dave, can you answer my PM? Tomorrow is Monday and ...well, you'll understand. I would like your opinion beforehand.

[coooolsome]

My ex contacted me yesterday for the first time since September. She has called me before but only b/c I called and left a message. I was on 15 days of NC going for a month and she ruined it. I did answer with a "hi" and a "I cant talk b/c im going to the art institute" And I actually was. I was proud of myself that I didnt give in.

 

I actually didnt want to talk to her. I dont know why she imed me but I was really surprised. I figure if its important than she will call me, but the only thing I can think about it being about is my speakers and receiver. She will be coming home for winter break and maybe she wanted me to get them or something. Ah, who knows.

[keefy1972]

Cooooool I don't think you can say it's ruined. You handled it beautifully. Just because she broke contact doesn't mean it's ruined. The main point of NC is you not initiating contact with them. That is what giving them space is all about. When they make contact, it's of their own volition. It's a good thing.

[gabodi]

I'm having a very needy day. I miss her like crazy and really want to call her. I want to tell her that I'd like to start over and change some of the things that weren't working with us and see if she goes for it. I think she might. However, am I just being needy, and would doing this ruin everything?

 

Is the main point of NC to get them back? Cause I sure hope it works this time for me!

[lonelyfish]

Gabodi - YES! You would appear to be NEEDY if you contact her and she will think you are acting NEEDY if you do. She NEEDS her space so give it her! Be strong. It is very hard, after my break up of 2 months and N/C of 1 month I still have my moments of wanting to contact my ex but the best things is to stick to N/C. Let her be the one to make a move.