Reasons to end it

[Brannigan]

Is is a terrible thing to want to end a relationship for no other reason than you want to have sex with other girls?

My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years now. We live together and the lease is ending soon. I tried to break up with her last week, but I was unable to tell her the real reason I wanted to break up. I made up a bunch of little reasons, which were true, but none of the reasons were why I was doing it.

So we left it at, we'll work on it.

Am I terrible for wanting to break up?

[Kasers41901]

I dont know about anyone else, but I would seriously think you as a dog, you dont spend 3 years with someone and then all of a sudden say hey I want to break up cause I want to see other girls, thats not even fair to her, she has spent 3 years being unconditional to you, I am sorry but I have been through all of this before and you know the girl totally ends up hating the guy, its like you wasted your 3 years of life on someone, would you really want to do that? I mean if you wanted to see other people maybe you should of broke up with her before 3 years.... I am sorry if this sounds mean, I just know what it feels like the be the girl that gets told " I want to break up, cause I want to see other girls"

[darkblue]

You want to break up with your girlfriend so you can have sex with other girls?

 

I am not giving you advice on that.

[shes2smart]

Is is a terrible thing to want to end a relationship for no other reason than you want to have sex with other girls?

 

If that's the case, better you break up with her first than cheat on her. Unless she's the type who could handle an "open" relationship or swinging. If that's the case, you need to deal with the fact that the "sex with others" option goes both ways. If she's a monogamous sort, and you're hell-bent on having sex with others, you're doing her a favor by making a clean break first.

 

Am I terrible for wanting to break up?

 

From the outside, it may not look the best reason. Sometimes, other people's reasons for breaking up don't make sense to anyone but them, and that's the only person they have to make sense to. So, really, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about your reason for breaking up. Leaving a relationship is a very personal decision. It's your reason, your life, and you don't need anyone else's approval.

[hockeyboy]

is she the only girl you've been with?

 

how will you feel when she has sex with other guys?

[Cecelius]

There is nothing in the universe wrong with that. If she was someone you wanted to be with long term, you would likely not be THAT interested in other women.

 

You are 23. It makes NO SENSE in the world to stay locked down with someone who just doesn't do it for you anymore.

 

And no one said anythign about cheating. He wants to break up and be single for a while.

 

Lastly, you must resist this modern (or is it old fashioned?) idea that ALL relationships must be headed toward ultimate committment and that you need a cosmic reason to break up. You are not married to her.

 

She's cool. She's not doing it for you. It is okay to break up. The right to withdraw is paramount.

[btbt]

I think to break up a long-term relationship because you can't bear to not have sex with other people is a good reason to break up. It shows that you are not ready to have a long-term, comitted relationship with this person, so make the break, now.

 

But if you love this person, then you need to restrain yourself. I don't think there is anyone out there in a relationship or marriage who hasn't thought about sex with other people. What makes the relationship and relationship is that you withhold those urges for the sake of the relationship.

 

There also might be a deeper problems. If sex with other people seems more important to you now than your gf, then you obviously don't care enough for her to restrain yourself. But think this through -- if it's a purely just a physical urge, then you might regret losing your gf over it.

[shes2smart]

And no one said anythign about cheating. He wants to break up and be single for a while.

 

Never said he was. If he wants to have sex with others and he stays in a relationship I assume is monogamous, he's going to be more easily tempted if the opportunity for extracurricular activity presents itself.

 

It is human nature to want something more when told we can't have it. If he really wants to have sex with other girls, then he should have enough respect for his current gf to not succumb to the temptation behind her back.

[Day_Walker]

I believe that your reason for wanting to break up is valid, it simply means that there is a reason why you dont want to be in this relationship. Thats all it takes in order to break up with a person, now of course she is going to be emotional about this. Your reason/s to break up with her are your own and you shouldnt let anyone tell you that its not a valid reason.

[RayKay]

Well, in my opinion if a person feels a justification to break up with someone, then that is their right. Others may not consider it valid, but what matters is what you think.

 

If you have this urge to have sex with others, then my guess is this girl is not right for you or is not compatible/satisfying for you and it is better to let her move on to find someone she is more compatible. And also, better to do that then cheat. If she was the one for you/one you wanted to commit to, then these doubts would not be present and you would not be wanting to break up to have sex with others.

 

I would not tell her that was reason though (to have sex with others)...at least not if you still respect and care about her, though I think saying you want to date others and do not want to commit to her at this point is an acceptable explanation and still truthful.

 

End it cleanly and do not lead her on with promises of "maybe in the future we can get back together" and no friends with benefits arrangments either! End it cleanly for the best for both of you.

[darkblue]

Yes, the least she deserves is the truth.

[Kookie]

If that's how you feel, you better break up before you start cheating on her (if you are really inclined to sleep with others). It will hurt her, but it would hurt even more if you gave into your desires while dating her.

 

You're breaking up because the relationship isn't what you want because if you wanted the relationship, you wouldn't want others.

[Cecelius]

I would not bother telling her the truth in those literal terms ( I want to have sex with other women). I would simply tell her that you feel the relationship has come to its final stop for you, you don't see it going any longer and that you are breaking up with her.

[Brannigan]

Thanks for the advice everybody.

To answer a few of the questions, she is not the only girl I've been with. But it's not like I've been with a lot of girls (3 including her). And I have no problem with the idea of her having sex with other guys (assuming the relationship has come to an end).

Also, to clear something up, I don't want to cheat on her. I have just changed a lot in 3 years. When we first got together, I had such low self-esteem that I was amazed a girl actually liked me.

She is also holding me back from personal growth. My career is starting to take off and I would like to move closer to my workplace. Currently it takes me 90 minutes to get to work... I don't want to do that commute anymore.

Basically, the relationship has just become the same old, same old. There's no spark there anymore, and I would like to get out and have some fun while I still can. A marriage-like relationship and 3 hours of daily commute time is no life for a 23 year old. It took me a while to realize that.

Last week I tried to break up with her. I was successfull until the next day when she wanted to talk about it and all the reasons I gave her for wanting to break up were things we could "work on". I basically caved under the pressure of ruining her life.

[RayKay]

It's hard to be broken up with...it is very unlikely she WILL agree to it...but the fact remains it is YOUR decision. If you stay because "she can't be without you" you will only resent her more and more, and it will turn out to be even worse for the both of you in the end.

 

I know, I have been her, and it bites, but I and many others get through it. Our lives turn out not to be ruined at all and we move on and find love, and in some cases, our true love...she will be okay, it will just take her some time to realize it!

 

It sounds like your heart and mind are basically made up, so just go forth and finalize it, and let her know you don't WANT to work on it, as it is something within yourself that you need to work on your own - alone and single! If your heart is not into making it work...it won't take "working on it" to make it work!

 

It is okay at 23, 33, 43 or 103 not to be ready to settle into a life you don't want yet...you may regret it, you may not...but you won't know until you do make the decision you choose to. If you have already tried, but she is just not the ONE for you, then move on...you are both still young and have a whole lifetime ahead.

[Brannigan]

It's almost one year to the day that I posted the original message on this thread.

In the time since I posted that message, I broke up with her (on the 3rd try ... late August 2005), then got back together with her again around early October 2005 ... so basically it lasted a little over a month until we stayed over at a mutual friend's place and I was drunk and horny... if we end up spending our lives together, I'm sure she'll spin that story into some sort of tale of 'fate'.

 

I really don't know why I'm writing this, because I've been posting this same question in various forums for almost two years now. Each time, I get the same sound advice telling me to not waste time and tell her the truth. Let her move on before I waste any more of her time. But more importantly, to move on before I waste any more of my own time.

Essentially, I don't learn.

 

It's a problem because she needs me, and I don't need her. I'm sure that some would say that it's an egotistical statement, but she's shown and said it to me so many times that she's needy, whereas, I can be alone with no problem... well it's a problem, but I don't have to drag anybody else down with me.

 

The dynamic of our relationship is that she's been highly emotional and clingy (as a result of a troubled childhood), and I've been too afraid to call her on this, because she's VERY sensitive about her past.

[Donster]

Originally posted by BTBT:

But if you love this person, then you need to restrain yourself. I don't think there is anyone out there in a relationship or marriage who hasn't thought about sex with other people. What makes the relationship and relationship is that you withhold those urges for the sake of the relationship.

 

There also might be a deeper problems. If sex with other people seems more important to you now than your gf, then you obviously don't care enough for her to restrain yourself. But think this through -- if it's a purely just a physical urge, then you might regret losing your gf over it.

 

This quote really resonated with me. My relationship ended because my ex was no longer committed to the relationship with me. The urges had been there for some time. I mean what red blooded male doesn't ahve these urges? But acting on the urges is another thing altogether. If it was just sex it wouldn't be too difficult. But when emotions get into play too, then you have a recipe for disaster. He found himself unable to control himself around certain people, and unable to keep himself from doing things to hurt me. I think he is one of those people who has a problem separating the physical and emotional pieces of sex. So even though his urges may only be physical, the only way he knows how to make the physical connection is through making an emotional connection with someone else.

 

I am able to handle someone not physically being with me, as long as they remain emotionally with me at the end of the day. But when they can't carry out the emotional committment, and are no longer able to give 100%, and when tehre is no longer the security of knowing that they will still be with you emotionally at the end of the day, then it is probably best to call it quits. Both parties deserve more than that in life.