My story, followed by a bit of advice for all

[overtheedge]

I'm involved in a situation that I never expected was possible. I was with my ex girlfriend for 4 1/2 years and I really thought she was the one. I had bought an engagement ring and all that and I had no reason to expect that things would end, at least not so quickly. She brought me over to her house one day about 2 1/2 months ago and all of a sudden, it was over.

 

In the coming weeks I dealt with all of the usual grieving. It was very tough, but I was also very proud of her for having the courage to walk away from a situation that she no longer wanted to be in. I believed that her reasons for the breakup were true, but she also gave me a little bit of hope for the future. I figured that we would be able to work things out by the end of the summer because she still wanted to spend time together and stay involved in each other's lives.

 

Then I found out that she had been dating one of my best "friends" behind my back. Apparently they had started liking each other at some point during our relationship. At first he lied to me, saying that they were just remaing friends because he needed a shoulder to cry on, as girlfriend of 7 years had just broken up with him. He told me it wouldn't happen again. I then caught them together multiple more times, which he also lied about by saying it wasn't her and that he was trying to work things out with his ex. It could have been true because I saw them at a distance every time.

 

Well eventually I found out the real truth from my ex's best friend's brother. He also told me that something had been going on for quite a while between the two of them. Of course they denied it because they are both cowards. They'd rather lie to me and keep me in their lives than tell me the truth. I don't want anyone like them in my life and I never did.

 

While thinking about this situation, I came up with some advice that I have shared with friends who are in a tough situation so I've decided to share it here because it definitely has helped me. This is an e-mail that I wrote to those closest to me.

 

As many of you know, I have been going through a very troubling time in my life. It seems like everytime I think I have hit rock bottom, the bottom drops out and I fall even further. New things continually pop up and I have been left not only angry and bitter, but also sad and hurt. Something happened today, however, that really got me thinking. XXXX and I were driving down the highway this morning and we witnessed a rather serious accident. To be perfectly honest, we were very lucky to not have been involved. If we had left his house 3 seconds earlier, we most definitely would have been. I was that close to being seriously hurt, or maybe even worse.

 

This made me realize some very important things about life. What have I done these past 2 months? I've wasted them worrying about how two certain individuals have treated me and the disrespect I have been shown. Life is too short to let the actions of others determine your own happiness or even your own mood. I would much rather be myself than the guy that was on that motorcycle today and I'd much rather be myself than those individuals who decided to treat me this way. Basically what I have realized is that it is very important not to let the actions of others consume you. They are out of your control and, as difficult as it is to accept, not everyone is going to act towards you in the manner that you deserve. I have been treated like garbage but it is not going to bother me anymore. I value myself too much to let myself be ruined by others. When it comes right down to it, it is me beating myself up over something that has nothing to do with me and that I cannot change.

 

People will always do things that they shouldn't do. Sometimes they know they are wrong and sometimes they do not. I can no longer be bothered with these actions, though, because they just do not matter to me. Respect yourselves and be happy with everything you have in your life. Do not let anger and resentment control the type of people you are. I used to constantly think "I didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve this" but as it turns out, it was they who didn't deserve this. You have to appreciate something to deserve it, so they don't deserve my love and they don't even deserve my hate and anger. Those who have wronged me will ultimately get what they deserve because I believe you reap what you sow. Karma is a b@%&* and it doesn't care what you scored on your MCAT or how much prestige your career will have.

 

I just wanted to let you all know that I am ok and I will always be ok. I will never betray a close friend and I will never break a bond of trust that I have with someone.

 

Love XXXX

 

If this helps anyone, it will make me very happy.

[salmonhead_uk]

Yes, it helped me certainly.

I'm totally with you - my situation is much the same, been 2 and a half months since my boyfriend left me after cheating. Then lots of lies were spread about me and it freaked me out that people could be so cruel. It freaked me out and upset me on a daily basis.

A couple of weeks ago the type of thing you just said clicked for me too, I can't be bothered to essentially carry a chip on my shoulder about actions that have nothing to do with me - they did all those things, not me, and i couldn't care less anymore. They lost me from their lives, but I escaped them. I've spent far too long allowing myself to feel terrible about what others think or me, and taking what should be other peoples worries and trying to analyse them. So I'm quits with it. I'm a good person and quite willing to smile at the sunshine, and brush off what is already in the past. Let them worry about it if they ever do - I'll be long gone then.

Cheers to brighter days ahead.

xx

[overtheedge]

That's really good to hear. I'm glad that some people "get it."

[shes2smart]

Ah...someone else sees the light. Others would've just driven by the accident and cursed the inconvenience. Meanwhile, you have an insight that truly serves to set you free and will have a profound impact on your attitude and life for as long as you keep it in mind.

 

Congratulations.

 

And you are correct...we reap what we sow. And if we're very, very lucky and extremely observant, we get to see "what goes around comes around" in action...

 

You've taken a huge leap forward with these realizations.

[btbt]

Right on, brother!

[alonegirl]

Your post really helped me too.

 

I too was with my ex for 4 years and he cheated on me and broke up with me to be with the person he cheated on me with almost 4 months ago. I was devasted and was having a really hard time with everything, then last week I had to be hospitalized for something unrelated and that is when it hit me, life is way too short to feel the way I was feeling. I was allowing his stupid actions to ruin my life and take away my life. He is the one that made a mistake not me and you are right karma is a b%%^h. One day he may or may not realize what a mistake he made but I don't really care anymore, I am a better person than this. I really appreciate you posting this, I felt this way inside but to see it written down has really driven it home for me.

Thank you very much!

[overtheedge]

People tend to take the positives in life for granted and magnify the negatives, which is what many dumpers do in the weeks and months leading up to a breakup and also what many dumpees do in the time following the breakup. Everyone has so many more positives in their life than they realize. Sure a breakup is a huge negative, especially when there's a close emotional attachment, but in reality all a breakup is, is one person deciding that he or she does not want another person to be as big a part of his or her life. I know it feels like so much more, but it's not.