Online cheating

[jadm45]

Hello I'm new obviously here.

Im 43 and have now been remarried over 4 years to a man i met online. We met and he visited a few times from England and we got along great...his 3rd trip over here (8 months into our relationship) we got married and he stayed. at the time he couldnt work yet (immigration) and i did, so he stayed home and putted around the house and on the computer. during this time i would try to phone from work and yes he was online alot so i couldnt get through. i questioned him what he was doing online so much ect ect but he would deny any wrong doing.

after a couple days i put a keylogger on my computer because something wasnt right i felt - to make a long story shorter yes he'd been having cybersex and chatting with other women, the dilogue i read broke my heart in two - telling these women he was divorced ect after us only being married 8 days!!

at the time he seemed sorry when i confronted him (thats a whole other drama) but here i am over 4 years later and im still as heartbroke as day 1.

the whole computer thing and him lying to me burnt all trust in him i had, when i think about us getting married it makes me cry because then i remember him cheating online only 8 days later (and he obviously had been doing it prior) ... i have tried desperatly to forget it, forgive him and move on with our life but then again i catch him in one small lie about something insignificant and it all resurfaces (example he told me one evening when he was late coming from work he'd had to give a female coworker a ride home).

i have no trust and no respect for him, ive become insecure, jealous, i blow up at the drop of a hat, i cry all of the time and am depressed. Is there any relief? he knows how difficult this has been for me as we have talked about it but he has given me no reason to trust him again - he says he has but thats in HIS mind.

i loved him so very much. and just want to let this GO. its so bad yes i have thought about suicide not due to him but because of the mental torture this is causing me - i even told him so once and he shrugged me off and went to work telling me to 'get over it'.

- well, thanks for listening anyhow.

[DN]

You can't prove a negative.

 

He can't give you proof that he has not cheated. There can only be proof that he has. So he cannot do what you want - i.e. give you reason to trust him again - because that is impossible.

 

Remember that although this was a form of cheating it was not physical cheating. There was no emotional attachment, it was just a means of him getting himself off while he was bored from lying around the house. He had probably been doing it for a long time before he got together with you and was in the habit. Remember that many men can masturbate quite often, sometimes needing sexual release more than once a day. This can be particularly true when they are not working, are supported by their wife, and feel somewhat inadequate as husband and provider. In his case, this could have been made more intense by the fact he was essentially an immigrant, which can bring up all sorts of other insecurities. Sexual release can give men a sense of control when they don't feel in control of other aspects of their life.

 

Men are visual and/or aural, sexually, When they masturbate, some guys can do that from images in their imagination, some use pornography, but these days there are computers for the way he did it.

 

However - and this is really important - in his mind, he was not cheating on you. He didn't see it like that, and it was not in any way a reflection on your attractiveness, sexuality, or on his feelings for you. For most men, a release of sexual tension when masturbating has little or nothing to do with their feelings for their wives or partners. It is very hard for women to comprehend this detachment of sexuality from emotion but it is part of male sexuality.

 

If all that was the case with him, and you have no proof that he has done this again, then I think you should begin to get past something that happened so long ago, concentrate on making your relationship happy again by thinking of the positive and letting the negative slip away.

 

 

I am not excusing him, just trying to give you some perspective and put it into context.

[smallworld]

Jadm45, If he was lying and emotionally cheating the first 8 days of your marriage, you must know that this had very little to do with you (how well you loved him or how much of a woman you are) and everything to do with his ego, need for attention, and fantasies for sexual possiblities outside the marriage.

 

I believe in forgiveness, but only if the person sincerely regrets their actions and takes steps to repair the hurt they've caused. Your husband has done nothing to rebuild the trust he's broken. It's no wonder you're depressed and heartbroken.

 

My question to you is why are you tolerating this relationship another day longer? You don't need to end your life, you need to end your life with him. Divorce him.

[jadm45]

I am a committed woman but not stupid, yes i agree with the fact he'd most likely been doing it prior to me, i DO know for a fact he hasnt done it online since as he never even will use the computer now. i love the man, other than his online satisfaction he has brought so much happiness into my life and been a good friend. i am not able to just "throw away" the past 4 years yet of what we have accomplished together since this happened.

I know he needs to earn back my trust and i dont want to stay the person i have become since all this happened, i do not even like myself as i am now. i have "never" talked anywhere or to anyone about this. yes i have considered leaving him more than once but aside from that one event .... well to my knowledge nothing else has occurred online or in real life.

im sorry, im so confused.

[jadm45]

thank you for your male input, i appreciate it.

[DN]

Is not the fact that he never uses the computer a sign that he is trying to earn back your trust?

 

And I never said, or meant to imply in any way, that you are stupid. I was just attempting to put this whole thing into context.

 

People do stupid or thoughtless things, often things that hurt people they love. The test of a relationship is whether, as a couple, you can work through things like this, rather than let them dominate and adversely affect the relationship. Four years is a long time to have allowed this to cast such a dark shadow over your heart and mind. I think it is time you let some light in.

[jadm45]

I agree with you and yes he pretty much stopped using the computer after all that , thank you for setting things more into perspective from the male side.

I have held it in so long and waited for it to "go away"... i never considered looking for a place like this to discuss it, nor do i have anyone in real life friendwise at the moment (we just moved down here).

[DN]

I agree with you and yes he pretty much stopped using the computer after all that , thank you for setting things more into perspective from the male side.

I have held it in so long and waited for it to "go away"... i never considered looking for a place like this to discuss it, nor do i have anyone in real life friendwise at the moment (we just moved down here).

 

Very often things like that don't go away on their own. You have to make them, and a place like this can help you do that.

 

And beware of people who would say things apparently supportive - such as "you are right and he is wrong" because that is a short term fix to make you feel temporarily better about yourself but doesn't address the main issue.

 

You have to decide what you want, if you can get it, and how to go about achieving it. If that involves saving the marriage, then you ask your husband to help you, so that you make this a problem for both of you to fix by working together. A marriage is a partnership, not two solitudes in the same dwelling.

[jadm45]

thats what i have done a couple times. he knows of my insecurity and the resulting actions of it - i have explained to him on 2 occasions (without berrating him) when he questioned my actions that "this is the way i am feeling now" ...and ... i have asked him to help me in dealing with it.

im no longer angry about what happened, at least as long as something doesnt trigger it back into the forefront, but i must admit not a day passes i dont think of it (not intentionally), then i catch myself and try to file it away and move on. the trust is now a HUGE issue and i have been told it'll come back with time ..?

i sure hope so because prior to this i was outgoing, Easygoing and very independent minded - i d love to find that person once again and be happy.

[DN]

Do you love him?

[jadm45]

very much, very very much.

[jadm45]

as a matter of fact there hasnt been a day gone by these past 4+ years i havnt loved him any less than the 1rst day i met him and i have always told him so. can u imagine how intense it is to look at the person and still feel the same excitement you did as your first meeting?

[BellaDonna]

have no trust and no respect for him, ive become insecure, jealous, i blow up at the drop of a hat, i cry all of the time and am depressed.

 

Love without trust and respect isn't enough to keep a relationship alive. It sounds like you have a lot of painful emotions still held inside and that the 2 of you need toseek some professional help if you want to salvage the relationship. Have you tried seeing a marriage counselor?

[jadm45]

no not yet

[DN]

as a matter of fact there hasnt been a day gone by these past 4+ years i havnt loved him any less than the 1rst day i met him and i have always told him so. can u imagine how intense it is to look at the person and still feel the same excitement you did as your first meeting?

Excellent.

 

So now you have to work on the respect and the trust.

 

Respect: It is true that he did something that forfeited your respect. But we also recognise that people have failings, they do bad things because they are as human as we are and we know that no one is perfect, including ourselves. So if someone recognises that they have done something bad, particularly if they recognise that it hurt someone, and makes sincere efforts to stop doing that, to make themselves a better person for the sake of their partner and their relationship - is that not an endeavour worthy of respect? It is easy to do something wrong but it is hard to make it right and doing something hard is a thing worthy of respect.

 

Trust: In the same way - he did something that was no big deal to him but was a huge deal to you. But he has recognised that you were hurt and stopped doing it. Ignorance of the law is no defence but it is a mitigating factor. After four years, does he not deserve recognition of his efforts and should you not meet his efforts to make you happy with an equal effort of your own?

 

How long does he have to pay for what he did? And, at least as important, how long before he resents your lack of appreciation of his efforts, decides that he can never make you happy, and thereby himself happy, and concludes his best option is to leave the relationship.

 

This relationship is very corroded by this - time to get some rust-proofing.

[jadm45]

i see your point and can respect it.

- have you been through a similar thing - by chance? Im asking out of curiosity. i mean the online thing.

[DN]

No, but in any relationship there are things that happen to test it. I have been married a long time and we have both had issues that had to be resolved. But it is no good carrying grudges, or resentments, without resolving them.

 

Part of a good relationship is achieving a balance; so, if possible, look for the best in your partner and overlook the worst when they are making efforts to improve.

[jadm45]

ive always been an optimist by heart

[DN]

ive always been an optimist by heart

 

Great - then time to apply it - look at the glass as half full, not half empty.

[jadm45]

thats pretty extreme and id have to kick him to the curb, im sorry to say - mine never went to such extremes as asking me to cover my face during sex, that right there would have done it for me. he's pretty naive thinking an online bimbo cared about him - i mean lookit me, i met MY hub online and im just as dumb ... now im realising.