Total Devastation

[temperamental_taurus]

I guess those two words are all that's left to describe me now. I'm completely broken... devoid of any feeling or spirit. I allowed him to strip it all away from me, slowly, one layer at a time until all that is left is a broken heart. I can see it there... bleeding all over the place and am helpless to do anything about it.

 

He's finally killed me, you know... It was a slow and painful death with one final last jab aimed at my heart. He slept with her. I knew he would... and was nice enough to tell me all about it. I'm hardly breathing anymore... not sure if I want to anyways... I feel like I just need to lie down and die. To finally let it consume me, and take me away from this evil place...

[wierdo]

sounds like you are having a rough day.

whoever this guy is sounds like a total [Removed by Moderator]. you've obviously given of yourself and he's abused it and violated your love.

please be good to yourself.

 

we are here

 

love fom Sarah

[socalguy123]

Hang in there.

[arwen]

Hey Taurus,

 

I am so sorry to read so much pain... you will get through it girl, I am sure. You say something very relevant in your message:

 

I'm hardly breathing anymore... not sure if I want to anyways... I feel like I just need to lie down and die. To finally let it consume me, and take me away from this evil place...

 

It feels like dying, this rock bottom. But in fact, the rock bottom is a good place. There is ground under your feet again- you KNOW things can't get worse as far as this 'relationship' is concerned.

 

It is the word 'finally' that is relevant here. You are starting to allow the pain to BE there. You stopped fighting it- and that's the start of healing I think. Sometimes life means accepting pain and not refusing to feel pain. Don't be scared, girl. You will look back at this stronger and more sure of what you need in life. I know it feels different now. thereforeeee, just keep on venting and venting here

 

Ilse.

[Hope75]

Can you fill us in on a little more of what happened? I am trusting that this is your ex? And that you are not over him....

[animatrix]

hang in there TT! Hugs! You will get through this!

[temperamental_taurus]

Um, ok a bit of info... we were together for a year, he's an alcoholic, mean when he's drunk, we moved in together, I moved out because I couldn't handle it anymore, plans were for us to try and work it out, allowing him the time to get healthy on his own. He then decided to move in with "two hot single chicks". We were stilling "trying" even after he moved in (I did not agree with his choice and begged him not to) until he had erection issues with me one night and then told me he thinks about having sex with these girls. Then tells me over a phone conversation that 2 hours after I left he "hooked up" with one of the girls. Then emails me with the details. That's pretty much it in a nutshell. So, yeah, I'm pretty messed up over it... who wouldn't be.

 

But today got way better. A girlfriend called me up and forced me to go tubing... I figured what the heck, better than crying at home (I had put on one of his shirts - shouldn't have done THAT - jeezers it was like opening the flood gates....) Then afterwards we sat by the pool, I invited a friend over and turns out he knows some of my new friends (I just moved into this complex a month ago...) So, we all had a great time and I feel much better. Going out on the town tonight too... and have plans to visit a very old friend that I haven't seen in 9 months, tomorrow.

 

All it takes is staying busy I guess, it's the alone time that kills me... to think he could have done this to me... any of this to me... blows my mind. I thought he loved me, he had told me he did... although my girlfriend just bought me a bracelet today that I am to wear until I've made it through all of this that states "Boys Lie"... LMAO... I guess I need to keep that in mind.

 

I know that all this is a temporary fix... I'm crushed. How could he just go out and replace me? And not care that he just emotionally mutalated a person who he loved and who loved him enough to stay through everything? Didn't the last year mean ANYTHING?

[Hope75]

.. I'm crushed. How could he just go out and replace me? And not care that he just emotionally mutalated a person who he loved and who loved him enough to stay through everything? Didn't the last year mean ANYTHING?

 

Oh Hon,

 

I remember your story now. We talked a bit before, my ex was an alcoholic too.

 

I'm sorry he did this to you and that he felt the need to rub it in your face, what a lousy thing to do.

 

You know that alcoholics don't know how to love, because they don't even love themselves enough to stop abusing booze. They use it to mask the reality of life, and as unfair as it is, those who love them get left in the wake.

 

I think you know that even though it's really hard right now that this is the best thing for you to be away from him for good, he sounds really messed up and as you know you cannot help or save him, he has to want that for himself and it sounds like he is nowhere near ready.

 

My ex would do and say awful things like this to hurt me too, I know what you are going through and it really stinks.

 

The good news is it sounds as though you have a really good support system on your side and you are doing what you can to stay busy and not think about it.

 

Try and stay strong, and remember, you did everything you could for him but he isn't ready to see that or appreciate it. I lived with my alkie ex for 5 years before I figured this out, and he was abusive and a drug user/addict too. Be grateful that you figured it out much quicker than me.

 

Hang in there! It gets better, I promise.

[temperamental_taurus]

Thanks Hope... Whatever small bit of logical thought that's left in my head right now KNOWS this man is poisonous for me. And, yes, I need to be away from it FOR GOOD. He had said that day I found out about him and HER that she's totally into him and accepts him for who he is. LMAO, oh yeah, whatever - that's a delusional thought in itself... Does she KNOW him? Nope and I highly doubt he was forthcoming with the fact that he is an alcoholic with a huge dependency and that the only needs he fulfills are his own. And I KNOW that however hard he tries he CAN'T be any different without help. I almost feel sorry for her. It was easier to get rid of ME instead of face his addiction... because he knew it was at the point that either he had to change or he needed to replace his existing girlfriend with someone new that would be more tolerant (or unaware) of his disease. He'd have at least another year to continue on the way he has before that relationship fails too and then he's off again, replacing HER for someone else that just thinks he's wonderful. What a lovely cycle.

 

On a positive note, I had a really good night, spent at Jillians, playing pool and listening to live music. I did my hair for the first time in like forever and felt sexy and alive. Part of the old me that I remember showed up too =) I was able to laugh, and be my normally funny, light-hearted self. Boy, I sure do miss that me... I can remember bits about her; strong, confident, sexy, happy, vibrant... and I want that back.

 

I went with a guy friend of mine who's been awesome. Supporting me through this. I told him that he needs to give me at least 2 months, 2 months of nothing more than friendship. I need the time to heal, or at least let the scabs form over these gapping wounds. He's willing to do that for me, however long it takes... and understands it means no intimacy, kissing etc... what a great guy, huh? To give me the time I need to get MYSELF healthy and not push. AND he's good-looking too - I didn't think he was a few weeks ago, my messed up head kinda of got in the way of that, but I think something's changed, perhaps it was my decision to accept that my ex and I are finally over... not sure. I even found myself able to flirt with him - heck, I haven't flirted in a year!!!

 

So, today my plans are to go into Scottsdale for an appt then work out at my gym while I'm there, and afterwards go visit my friend in Phoenix. Then probably come home and get my car cleaned. I feel better today... I have his shirt on and guess what? No tears It's gonna be a good day....

[Hope75]

You sound just like me when I left my ex. It's nice to have yourself back, isn't it? You are a strong and confident woman, and you can be glad that you aren't the fool who's buying into your exes lies anymore.

 

You are exactly right that it's easier to walk away from a relationship then to face reality and sober up. It's a vicious disease, and he loves booze and drowning out his feelings more than he loves himself. You are right that the girl doesn't know him, and it isn't likely that she will be satisfied once she gets to know him, and if she is, she is a substandard as he is.

 

That type of lifestyle doesn't go anywhere.

 

As for the new guy, I think it's really nice that he respects your wishes and is willing to give you time, and that you recognize that you need some time to get over the ex and be by yourself. Just make sure YOU feel comfortable and ready before you pursue anything with him.

 

Best of luck!

[temperamental_taurus]

So today WAS a good day but didn't get done all that I needed to get done. I kept my appointment in Scottsdale but didn't go to the gym... I'm not sure if it's because I was out late last night or that it's just too darn hot to have any energy (maybe a combination of both). Even cancelled on my friend in Phoenix... ended up at hanging out at the pool with my guy friend and his son, and my girlfriend who was having a bad day today. We're all part of a group that we're fondly referring to as the "Starting Over" club. Everyone that we meet here in this complex has moved here to escape some bad relationship and start over. I'm so glad I moved here, I think it's fate that we've all arrived at this point in our lives at the very same moment to help all of us through the hard times - and it's working... we've all bonded very closely together, my phone never stops ringing. I thank God for this place, and I've heard some of the other people say that too.

 

An odd developement... I was kind of floating next to my friend and I'm not sure why but scooted myself into his arms. It surprised me - where the heck did THAT come from?? that over-whelming urge to have him hold me??? ??? It's the first time since we've met that I've felt like having him touch me. We stayed that way, his arms wrapped around me for a little while until I grew uncomfortable and wiggled away. But while I was there it felt nice, which surprised me... didn't think I would want anyone touching me for awhile.

 

This time around there's something different about us splitting up (my ex and I). This time I not only KNOW but FEEL that I've made that permanent break from him. It's finally over... I've been waiting for this feeling for a long time, where I KNOW without a doubt that I'm not going back... that I don't want him back. Jeez it took a long time coming!!! I used to get there alot quicker in past relationships... I have a new life... amazing how what is meant to be will happen quickly and easily, huh? Even though I know it was just Friday that my fragile world was rocked to the core... it feels like a lifetime ago... I'm going to be okay. I have no doubt that God is watching out for me, that he guided me to this place.

 

I'm not even remotely going to allow myself to think that I'm not going to have more bad days... I'm sure I will - but I'm on track now - the end has finally been reached, there won't be that revolving door anymore - the merry-go-round has stopped. And I think that just for my own sanity I'm going to continue to post here daily (or if not daily, as much as I can)... to document my feelings, accomplishments and thoughts - it helps knowing that people may be reading and could possibly relate... and I want to be able to look back and see how far I've come.

[temperamental_taurus]

Well, that temporary high I was feeling is gone... I woke up from a nap last night, so depressed I could barely walk... that mood has continued on through this morning. My guy friend came and picked me up late last night to get me out of the apartment and as far away from my thoughts as possible. He was listening to Evanesense in his truck and once again the tears started... never seen a boy switch CDs so quickly lol... He bought me ice cream and he put on cartoons, figuring the infantile humor might cheer me up... I laughed a couple of times during an old episode of Bugs Bunny. He rubbed my back and hair for awhile, trying to release my stress. He's so supportive, and I appreciate that more than words can express, although that messed up part of me wishes my ex had cared for me this way. Or that it was my ex who was there comforting me. This man has only known me for a few weeks and yet has been there for me more than my ex had been in a year - a pretty sad fact.

 

My mood swings are quite dramatic... it's like a pendulum. It feels like a semi-truck has slammed into my chest half the time. What do you do with those left over feelings for the person you love? Because I truly loved that boy - and when you love that deeply, it shouldn't and doesn't go away that quickly. You can try to stick a bandaid over it, but when that falls off you're still left with all the remaining emotions.

 

I actually took some of my ex's advice... he'd always try to hurt me by insulting how we met, on link removed - always saying that you get what you pay for, and since that is essentially a free dating site - he was implying that, well you know, I was free so I was not worth much. So, I looked into Great Expectations. Only professionals with absolutely no criminal record are accepted - and they run a criminal background check. Membership is extremely expensive - so you know the quality of people is high. I joined. I decided to make an investment in MYSELF. I'm sick of internet dating, and being a healthcare professional, I rarely have the opportunity to meet quality men. She said afterwards that I'll have no trouble at all, that I have the look and gave me a discount because they need more attractive women - because there are more men than women currently enrolled there. I'm looking forward to getting out and meeting QUALITY professional guys... heck, some of the profiles I searched through included a lawyer and a few engineers... So I'll update more on that once I start getting into it.

 

Well, enough for now... I'll see if I feel better tonight....

[temperamental_taurus]

My mom just called and told me that my grandmother passed away today... it just keeps getting better and better... not sure how much more I can stand... the sense of loss is over-whelming...

 

She was fine this morning and was just found slumped over the kitchen table...

 

I'd just like to ask God to watch over her and take care of her because she's new up there and doesn't know her way around yet...

 

not more I can type through tears...

[temperamental_taurus]

I feel better today... I downloaded music last night and listened to Evanesense "My Immortal" over and over until I couldn't cry anymore. The release of all that emotion came swiftly... surging from deep within me in huge soul shaking sobs. The storm subsided somewhere around the 12th time I replayed the song and left in its wake a sense of peace. Wow, does that song "fit".

 

Afterwards, I listened to some upbeat stuff and was dancing around my house like a dork, and eventually went and visited my guy friend. He's beginning to have issues with all of this. He can't stand knowing I cry over my ex, he hates to know that I am still in love with him... he wasn't good to you, how can you love him, etc... he wants to be able to hold me, touch me and I'm not ready yet. He got frustrated last night... and I can understand that... I told him that if it hurts him too much, that I have no problem not coming around until I'm over it - but he says the pain he feels is minimal compared to what it'd be if he could not see me... I think the man is falling in love with me... and unfortunately I'm not going to be able to return that feeling for awhile - I need to work myself through my own stuff first before I'll be ready for another relationship. I know that this man will be good to me... my girlfriends say "just let yourself be loved"... but it's not that simple - if it were, I wouldn't be here, pouring my thoughts out, trying to make sense of it all. I can not just shut off my heart, and I am going to remain true to my heart until that feeling disappears... to try and force something would not be healthy, as if any of this is anyways... More later...

[Hope75]

Hi Temp,

 

I'm so sorry about your grandmother. It sounds as though she went quickly, without any suffering.

 

It's good that you recognize that you need time for yourself before you can get in another relationship, just be cautious with the new guy friend's feelings, even though he tells he you he wants to be around you, it sounds difficult for him to be. Maybe you can depend on him a little less as a source of comfort right now, in leui of other friends?

 

Hang in there, the music and crying and dancing is very cathartic.

 

You will get through this.

[temperamental_taurus]

Thanks Hope. I know I need to be concerned about this guy's feelings. I feel like that book that's out... "Admit it, you're just not that into him..." or whatever - LOL. We just got back from lunch together, and I admit enjoying his company but it stops there. It's like a rubberband.. some days I feel like I could be, other days I feel nothing.

 

Time will tell, but I'm afraid of hurting him if feelings never form - but how will I know if they will or won't until some time goes by? It's almost like I'm used to the challenge of my ex... this other guy is easy. There's no drama, he's just there for me. Boy am I messed up! LMAO...

 

Although... I'm heavily into signs and I had burned a CD last night with 7 songs on it... and during our ride to lunch, 2 of the 7 came on the radio... songs that almost refer directly to him. Is someone pointing me in the right direction perhaps? I guess only time will tell...

[lakergal]

I've said it before and will say it again:

 

1) Al Anon - please go for yourself and to heal. Alcoholics are poison - they trash our self esteem, they make us feel all out of control... but Al Anon will help

 

2) I'm so sorry to hear he did this to you. I hope the moderator's won't strip this link, but check out Shattered's site - it's on abuse, and men, and has LOTS of good information on it that she finds elsewhere on the internet.

 

I read a lot of it. Alcoholics also tend to be: narcissistic... their needs, their wants, on their time, in their way, because they themselves are "so" perfect.

 

Again, I'm sorry to hear you're in pain.

 

link removed

[temperamental_taurus]

Wow, thanks for that link... man, I sure related to that whole narcissitic section... that those types of relationships are much more difficult to break free from and that even strong, independent women fall for it.

 

I had a good night again last night - spending time with my guy friend - and found myself drawn to him. My comfort level is increasing and there's a feeling that's bordering on attraction. We talked about alot stuff that didn't involve my ex and touched on subjects that would require us being together for a long time. He's such a good guy, I could do a lot worse - actually LOL - I HAVE been with worse. He bought me dinner and we stayed up til 2 am talking. I'm not ready for a sexual relationship at this time but have a feeling it's not going to be long now...

 

Even though it's only been a short 5 days of NC - it seems like a lifetime ago. I'm doing a lot better and have noticed the thoughts of my ex have been subsiding dramatically. The hurt that I felt isn't as raw anymore and I am thankful for that because I thought I would seriously suffocate from it. I've been laughing again, smiling too - I still have my moments of distraction - heck I almost wrecked my car twice because I wasn't paying attention.

 

I may look into Al-Anon, I guess I'm just irritated with the fact that I need to, ya know? Because of his disease I am now messed up and I don't like that. Would rather tough it out myself and feel like I conquered him by myself. Because I can and will make it through this and will end up at a better place because of it. More later...

[temperamental_taurus]

Ack!!! My friend (I'll call him "J") just told me he loves me... I'm not readyyyyyyyyy!!! I realize he's been around me for a month, but for me, I'm only on day 5!!! I don't want to tell him not to tell me that, because if that's the way he feels then who am I to tell him he can't feel that way but ARGH!!!!

 

There are such positive things about him though. He was in the Navy, he's disciplined, he does not do drugs or alcohol, he's supportive, talkative, honest, has had his job for 5 years, he is open with his affection, he is respectful, he is cute, awesome big green/hazel eyes, he has a nice truck, he has raised his son on his own since birth, he has a clean house, he's patient.

 

Then there are the negative things: He's too nice to me, he can't spell, his lips are too puffy or squishy or something, he has no sense of style - or at least what I consider to be attractive. HA! Boy are those superficial things... except the too nice part... I guess I've been conditioned into believing that a nice man is a weak man, so it's not much of a turn on.

 

I need to get over myself and just be with him... I need to allow myself to be loved, I mean REALLY loved... but it feels so foreign to me... I'm not sure if I'll know what to do... I'm scared to death that'll end up being the same thing again - where I end up devastated because I once again put my faith in a man.

 

Maybe I should just let myself fall into him... it would be easy to, I just still have this remaining sense of faithfulness to my ex that my heart won't let go of... Grrr... the heck with my ex!!!!!!!!!!! I deserve respect, love, to be adored!!! I think I'm gonna do it... we were talking about our employee Christmas party today and much to my surprise I envisioned "J" going with me... and it seemed perfectly natural... and we're planning a vacation to Cali next month... hopefully nothing gets in the way of all this, I suppose there's only one thing that could... ME.

[Hope75]

Woah!

 

I think you need to sloooooooow this down a bit.

 

You are not ready to get serious, you said so yourself. It's only been 5 days since you last talked to the ex, and you are hurting a great deal from it still and looking to hide that pain in someone else is not how you recover.

 

This really sounds more like a rebound for you right now, you sound like you are trying to convince yourself that "J" is a worthy person of dating, (no doubt he is, it's just that you need and deserve time) and then after he said he loves you your first reaction was panic, because you are not ready, and then something like, "the heck with my need to recover, I'll be with him anyway."

 

It doesn't seem fair to him or to yourself, since you so clearly are still hung up on the ex, and how much do you think you can realistically give the new guy when you have so little of yourself left from your previous relationship?

 

You said the new guy would give you time, and you asked him for it before. He sounds like a great guy, but you can totally blow this if the timing is wrong, and I think it is right now, don't you?

 

Ask him for time. He knows what you have been through, and while the typical male tendency is to swoop in and "rescue" you from your heartache and "take you away from all that and make you forget", you need to heal within yourself before you can devote yourself to someone new.

 

Just my thoughts, what do YOU think?

[temperamental_taurus]

I agree 100% the timing is all wrong... I wish this could have happened after I was able to be on my own for at least 6 months... yes I'm panicking that he loves me and yes I know he wants to save me... and no I am definitely not healed yet... I suppose my worst fear at this point is that the ex will enter back into my life somehow and suck me back in... maybe I'm just using this as a safe haven so to speak. Is it a re-bound? Most definitely... but it'd be a heck of a better place than with my ex... I feel that at any point he could come back... wanting to be friends or something - which eventually could be kewl... but if I'm not ready for that and it's too soon - that will wreck me all over again.

 

This guy has been on his own for 6 months now... HE'S ready... I'm just not... and as unhealthy as it SOUNDS how bad could it be for me just to let myself be loved right now? I sure do need it...

[Hope75]

It is unfair to both you and the new guy. How much can you give him while you are still trying to get over a love for someone else?

 

This guy says he loves you, it's pretty serious. Are you anywhere near ready to give him the equal amount of commitment? I don't think so.

 

I know it seems easier to hide in another relationship to avoid facing your real feelings, but try to think about J for a minute here. He is in love with you. Is this fair to him?

 

Are you being fair to yourself?

 

Being with J just to stop yourself from going back to the ex is not a good reason to be with him, and I think you know that.

 

"Letting yourself be loved" is something you can work on in the future in a relationship, it doesn't mean you need to be with J now, and you said yourself you aren't ready.

[temperamental_taurus]

You're right - it's not fair, not much in my life has been lately. I guess I'm going to have to tell him that while I appreciate his feelings I'm still going to need that time to heal... hopefully he'll stick around... but if not, there are plenty of other men out there...

 

I'll tell you what though... I'm sure getting horny LOL Ok, ok that's no reason either, I know what you're gonna say!!!

 

I blame my ex for all of this... if he was just a decent man none of this would have ever transpired. Grrr.

[Hope75]

You can't blame your ex for bad timing on the new guy's part.

 

And you know if you sleep with him you are opening a whole other door. He is in love with you, be considerate of his feelings too.

 

Hang in there, it's a tough time, but if you give yourself time and really learn to take care of yourself then you will again have something to bring to a new relationship, and not until.

[temperamental_taurus]

Oh, I'm not blaming my ex for the bad timing - I'm blaming him for everything he was and wasn't... everything he did and didn't do... If he had even put in one small effort to get himself healthy things could have been so different. I blame his cowardness, his apathy, his weakness... we used to be happy. I blame him for the failure of this relationship and the situations I have to face right now.

 

Is it better for me? Yes, but I would have rather have not had to experience any part of it.