Total Devastation

[temperamental_taurus]

Just got back from another AlAnon meeting and this one was good too... Almost didn't go because I had a decent day... but my friend at work said the days she didn't feel like going were the days she needed to the most... those words stuck and I forced myself. Glad I did, met some more great girls... AND, ok ok... yes, I know this is BAD but DANG were there two hotties in there... and I mean HOTTIES... and the one that was the prime speciman of maleness kept eye-balling me... Now, before anyone goes jumping down my throat about that AlAnon isn't the place for that kinda thing... I got up and got out of there before he even had time to approach me... Although, they HAVE told stories where 2 people have meet, fell in love and married d/t AlAnon... figured I'd play the little disappearing girl, keep a little mystery going, ya know? (Cinderella, Cinderella....) for next time... gotta leave them wondering. But I do hope to see him again - whatever it takes to keep going back, ya know??? LOL I could see myself being cured of my ex instantaniously *poof* Um, D who???

[arwen]

HAHAHAHAHA!

 

Ok, so maybe WAIT until you are more stable in life before we go on rebound with the hotties!

 

 

 

It's good to see that you can be attracted to alpha males lol. That's the first step in recovery

 

No, seriously, I think it's great to stick to the AlAnon-- but really take it easy on the men you meet there. Meet the men you would want to date somewhere else.

 

Ilse.

[temperamental_taurus]

I'm truly planning on trying to maintain my freedom for awhile unless someone just absolutely amazes me. I'm going to date though, meeting people isn't bad. I've already been selected by 5 different men through that professionals only dating service... and I only just completed the video and profile and pics Monday afternoon... hey, what's free dinner, ya know? Didn't realize it worked so fast... I'm not looking to replace D, doubt anyone could at this moment, just wanting to get out there and enjoy life... and nice dinners with professional men, well - there could be worse things in life More later...A.

[lakergal]

Whoaaaaa...

 

Take a deep breath - you may not like what I say...

 

Be VERY careful about starting up anything with anyone just now... heal yourself...

 

And those "hotties" you saw at the meeting? You might REALLY want to know why they're there.

 

At first blush they might seem perfectly "normal" and "hot" but doesn't it kind of make you wonder what messed up situation they're coming out of and whether or not THEY'RE healthy?

 

Also, look at what you're doing with the dating services...

 

It's been 3 days since you REALLY realized what a putz your ex is, only a week since you slept with the "friend", and now you're going to date? and pay money to date?

 

Hun - honestly? You're not ready. I can understand the loneliness and wanting to have "fun" with men - trust me - hormones don't die at 40 - but... being healthy yourself will ONLY attract HEALTHY men - right now you're not going to... and my guess?

 

If you date now, you're going to fall for someone and my guess is that they'll be just as UNhealthy as your ex. Do you want that again? Do you really want to attract unhealthy men again in your life? Do you really want to go through this again and again?

 

Your friend was right about Al Anon - keep going, ESPECIALLY on the good days - it helps reinforce everything you learn about yourself. Trust me on this too - three meetings of Al Anon doesn't "cure" anything - it only just begins...

 

I think you're doing AMAZING Things right now FOR YOU! And that's where the focus should be, ON YOU! But for Heaven's sake, don't start messing around with men until you really, truly are healthier... they'll only put you back where you started from.

 

Remember how you said this other guy was truly respectful of your feelings, blah, blah, blah... and that he REALLY understood how you could only offer him friendship, blah, blah, blah... and that he REALLY wouldn't put pressure on you for anything more, blah, blah, blah... Remember telling us all that?

 

And what happened? Why? Cuz you're not healthy yet and neither is he... he was always like a lion, waiting in the tall grass for his "prey" to let it's guard down.

 

Keep up your great work on yourself - and stay away from the men for awhile - they'll still be there when you're healthy but when you are, the icky ones won't be so "hot" - the good ones will be

 

Trust me... I'm old and Yoda like (save for the green, and the messed up white hair... oh, and the wrinkles, I don't have them either... guess I'm not exactly short either... okay, maybe I'm not like Yoda at all )

[temperamental_taurus]

Thanks LG... I was talking with my sponsor last night for about a hour... and what she told me is that she can STILL be standing in a room and the one sick person in that room will find her... and that she's attracted to this type of man. I agreed with her, that's what I'm attracted to and asked if there is any hope for me Doubt I'll change my preferences - she hasn't - but continuing to go to Al-Anon will teach me how to behave differently once I'm in one of these kind of relationships. I know I shouldn't have signed up for that place, but I did it WEEKS ago and paid ALOT of money for it... it's good for a year... I'll take it slow...

 

And yeah, I did think about what brought those 2 guys there, and it's fun to dream, but I'm well aware that they are as sick as I am, I'm sure. At least we'd have things in common Ok, bad joke. A little eye candy isn't a bad thing, though...

 

My only weakness at this point, is D... He's the only one that seems to have some sick hold over me... other men don't pose such an issue, I'm always able to just walk away... I'm a runner, that's what I do and I'm good at it. I promise you, LG that I won't get into ANY relationship... except with myself... I just want some form of a social life... and dinner dates are a safe thing... I don't fall for people very quickly anyways.

 

OK, I need to try and explain something to you... The problem with D, and I think I talked about this is another post on someone else's issue, is that when I met him, I wasn't even attracted to him, but he smiled at me accross a pool table and this feeling hit me in the gut... and I knew. He's the one... the feeling felt like an age old search had come to a close, the familiarity I felt with him, like I'd known him FOREVER - it was like my whole entire soul breathed a sigh of relief - and remember - I wasn't attracted to him, I didn't even KNOW him. I've learned that my instincts are pretty much dead-on and I listen to them. So, what was that feeling? I've never felt it with any other person I've ever met. I've held on to him because of that... I can still feel that feeling as sharply as when it hit me that Sunday long ago. Yes, so he's lost right now, but I suppose that doesn't mean that the likelyhood that we "re-find" each other later in life isn't there... When I'm healthier... I won't say when he is healthier because I seriously doubt he'll ever seek the help he needs... My sponsor said it is very easy, through Al-Anon, to maintain a sane relationship with an Alcoholic... maybe this is just the path he and I must take right now... I'd like some thoughts on what I've just written... A.

[Hope75]

Temp,

 

Funny, that feeling you talked about when you first met D...

 

After leaving my 5 year ex I had this friend who I was extremely attracted to, and he to me, the chemistry was totally there...

 

Very shortly after leaving the ex, this friend, we'll call him "J"...and I went to a movie. The whole movie I was tingling.... just sitting next to him. At the end of the night, he opened his arms to hug me, I stepped into them, and felt like I was home. I was so sure that he was "The One"( and I hate this phrase...) right then and there, I felt so full and happy that my search was over...

 

We dated for 2 years, I just knew we would get married, we talked about it, both wanted the same things. I had no doubts. Low and behold, he was a closet alcoholic, and very good at hiding it...his balancing act eventually got to be too much and I found out what was going on... I left him... but in my heart I felt for the longest time afterward still that he was my ONE and that I let him get away, even though I knew how bad he was for me for drinking and lying to me about it, knowing what I had been through with my first ex. I really struggled with that.

 

It took me about a year to lose that feeling for J. That was 4 years ago.

Now if I think of him, which isn't often, I hope that he is happy, wherever he is, and I know that I am happy where I am.

 

I've been dating my current bf for 2.5 years now, and when I first saw him I thought he was very cute and looked very nervous, but I didn't have any *immediate* feeling that he would be "The One"...

 

Then I got to know him and fell in love with him, and now, after all that we have been through (alot!), I continue to actively love him and he is my best friend as well as my lover, and I would go to the ends of the earth for him if called for. There is nothing more in this life that I want than to marry him and have a family with him and grow old with him.

 

My point in this long and windy post is that you can't always trust that feeling, and that sometimes "The One" surprises us in the way he/she presents.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[lakergal]

Temp,

 

I have heard and I see at my Al Anon meetings women/men who have stayed with and continued to love their alcoholic husbands/wives... so yes, it is possible.

 

The thing is: the healthier you get, the less attractive D will be to you.

 

When I met my ex I sat accross the table from him and thought, "this is the man I'm going to marry." Two years later my knee is almost healed from the thrashing I received from him and somewhere inside me is that person who so desparately wants to hang onto that feeling I had 2 years ago... it's because I have no, zero, zilch, nada self esteem. For if I did, there's no way in God's green earth that he'd be attractive to me anymore.

 

That is the reason I go to Al Anon - to restore my self esteem, to help me cope with addictive behavior, to learn tools and tricks to keep me sane if I ever deal with an addict again (which I will either through work or personal life)...

 

I go to counseling to figure out what attracts me to these "Wounded birds" as my counselor likes to call them. I go to counseling to figure out how to be healthy and attract healthy people into my life. It's IMPOSSIBLE to have healthy people in one's life if I myself am not healthy... impossible.

 

So, is this a path you and D must take right now to get healthier? I'd again focus on you. This is the path YOU must take right now to be the best "YOU" there can be...

 

If that means by your behavior and your attitudes that you and D can work things out, then maybe... but focus on you and you only. Not him and a potential "us"...

 

Keep up the GREAT work!

[temperamental_taurus]

Thanks guys, I appreciate your input on that issue… it's not like I'm waiting around FOR him to come back, I just feel that at some point in my life, whether it be 2 years from now or 20, that he and I are connected somehow. It may even be when I've married the man of my dreams… who knows, all I know is that THAT FEELING was older than me… if that makes any sense… I didn't know him, I wasn't attracted to him, and it was just something that hit me out of the blue. Anyways… only the process of life may reveal what the meaning of it all was. Maybe it was that I loved him in another life (not that I put much credit in all that) and that I had found ONE of the men whom I'd fall in love with during this lifetime… I just wanted to hear someone else's input on that.

 

At this point, I'm not sure if there are ANY truly healthy people out there, but LG, you're right – I'll just learn how to deal with them differently… And I'm going to continue to go to the meetings… I had such a peaceful sleep last night, the most peaceful in years… When I woke up, I was amazed… and that feeling lasted throughout the morning. I think it's because I'm praying right before bed… with such strength coming from just a few meetings and the peace that I felt this morning, why would I NOT continue to go – I have only seen positives.

 

I feel the need to put a disclaimer in here… since I'm still pretty messed up over everything, my thoughts and ramblings may be all over the place. One day I may be happy, making positive choices and the next day I may do something completely self-destructive and make no logical sense at all… I appreciate any and everyone's input; I just want you to realize that I'm in the process of healing and I may have bad days! I'm saying this now because I don't want anyone disappointed in the poor choices that I am so certain to make… *hugs* to all you wonderful people that are out there listening!!! I do appreciate all of your help and truly take to heart and think about all that you tell me.

[lakergal]

Hey Temp? Just take a look at my posts... talk about one day up and another one down - had one yesterday

 

Sat with tears in my eyes because of that bozo that hurt me... then I reread the posts and the anger coming from the repliers - Nap, DN, et al and realized, I'm still better off where I am now - without that moron around.

 

Satan's turds - it's all I need to read, and the tears mysteriously vanish...

 

The ups and downs are part of the healing and growing... I understand, and everyone else here does too!

 

Keep up the great work! You're going to get through this and as someone promised me (NAP - I'm holding you to it!!), in a year, you'll look at this very differently...

 

Laker

[temperamental_taurus]

Thanks Laker... I was thinking we need to exchange email addys or something, it sounds as if our stories are similiar... Let me know if this is something you'd be interested in...

 

So, I saw the ex last night... and we had a good evening together. We both were laughing and had fun together. Amazing what happens when you "Let go and let God"... I didn't feel that over-whelming feeling to save him and I was just able to relax and enjoy him. Kinda wish I had started the whole Al-Anon thing a long time ago... but like I said, hind-sight is 20/20... he asked me out on a date, to go play minature golf, I accepted and as long as we continue to be pleasant to one another, I have no problem being around him... I guess this is all a learning process... or more accurately a RE-learning process...

 

I'm going to an Al-Anon meeting tonight and then another on Friday night. I'm beginning to look forward to them. More later...

[Hope75]

Umm..

 

 

Isn't the point of Al Anon to learn how to let go of codependancy and be able to move on from your addicted ex?

 

Do you remember when that woman asked you just a week or so ago what it was about how your ex treated you that you loved, and you couldn't answer her, at least not with anything of substance?

 

Do you remember how hurt you've been over your ex and how he has treated you, like asking for a booty call the last time you saw him?

 

Hon, you have in no way shape or form given yourself nearly enough time to recover from this guy or think logically about dating him....after all he has put you through... do you really think this is a good idea???

 

If your common sense was kicking in, you would be telling him to get lost and moving on with your own life. NOT DATING HIM. Read back on your own posts on this thread, about how just weeks ago you were too depressed to clean your own house. You were so angry at how poorly this ex treated you, hurt and crying, angry....

 

What the heck are you thinking agreeing to date him???

 

He is the reason you started a thread called "Total Devestation"!

 

Is this the kind of guy you should be seeing?

 

I think you are making a grave error here, and what you should be doing is working on yourself, by yourself, as far away from the one who did this to you as possible.

 

Are you really thinking here??

[lakergal]

Umm... the point of Al Anon is to learn to focus on ourselves not the addict or the addiction.

 

Codependents have their own 12-step program... whilst Al Anon does help to some degree with addiction and codependency, it's focus is on "the family and friends of alcoholics"... nothing more.

 

I agree with the "no date" of the ex tho, Hope -yikes!?!??!

 

Temp have you seriously thought this through? You ARE NOT ready to date him - casually, seriously, nothing - NOT READY!

 

Call your sponsor, please! Give yourself some time in Al Anon to help you sort through the affects of HIS addiction and your enabling before you consider dating him.

[Hope75]

Umm... the point of Al Anon is to learn to focus on ourselves not the addict or the addiction.

 

Codependents have their own 12-step program... whilst Al Anon does help to some degree with addiction and codependency, it's focus is on "the family and friends of alcoholics"... nothing more.

 

I agree with the "no date" of the ex tho, Hope -yikes!?!??!

 

Temp have you seriously thought this through? You ARE NOT ready to date him - casually, seriously, nothing - NOT READY!

 

Call your sponsor, please! Give yourself some time in Al Anon to help you sort through the affects of HIS addiction and your enabling before you consider dating him.

 

Temp

 

I think you need to get into a 12 step program for codependancy too. I don't think you are thinking with your head here. This is a big mistake and I for one am having a hard time believing the strong woman who has been posting recently is the same woman who posted that she went on a date with her ex and then agreed to another one.

 

This is the person who made your life agony, who hurt you and deceived you , who for the longest time was unable to fulfill your needs, who you slept with a friend and destroyed that friendship to get away from.

 

Temp, where is your self respect? You surely must know this is a bad idea!

 

As Laker said, call your sponser and tell her what's going on. I have an idea if she has an inkling of the pain this man has put you through that she will advise you as Laker Gal and I have.

 

Ask yourself: What are you doing??

[temperamental_taurus]

Hope & Laker, I do hear you, I know what you are saying, I just have NO strength when it comes to him... I'm as addicted to him as he is to alcohol...and he said today he's going to end up hurting me again but right now, I'm just living in today. My sponsor is out of town for a week and i can't call her... she'd tell me what to do. I am still detached though… If he walks away tomorrow, it would be what he needs to do…All I can do is continue to go to Al-Anon in hopes that I will eventually either learn how to deal with him or leave him alone. We've had a good two days… and if that's all it amounts to, that's fine… it's just awesome that we have been able to have such a good time together, enjoying each other…

 

There will come a time, I'm sure when I no longer want to or CAN'T deal with him… Al-Anon states that it is possible to have a sane relationship with an alcoholic… - either I'm going to come out of this learning how to deal with him appropriately or learning how to deal with someone else appropriately… either way, it's a win/win situation as far as I'm concerned.

 

We have great sex together… that part in itself is undeniable and hard as heck to say no to… we like the same type of sex… we're on the same page as far as the physical stuff goes… sometimes someone can be all that you've hoped for, yet disappointing in bed. And my physical pleasure right now is something that is important to me.

 

Could this all backfire in both of our faces? Perhaps, but everyone in Al-Anon, whether or not their alcoholic is present in their lives or not… starts from somewhere… and it may just continue to be a good thing… I'm not counting on anything at this moment – just taking it day by day.

[Hope75]

We have great sex together… that part in itself is undeniable and hard as heck to say no to… we like the same type of sex… we're on the same page as far as the physical stuff goes… sometimes someone can be all that you've hoped for, yet disappointing in bed. And my physical pleasure right now is something that is important to me.

 

Oh Temp,

 

You know you have to base a solid relationship on so much more than just "good sex". I've got a girlfriend who dated a guy for years who cheated on her and used drugs in her house and didn't support himself and her excuse to hold onto him was that the sex was good.

 

Don't you feel you deserve more from a relationship than just good sex? Think about this, good sex is something that you can develop with a trusting partner over time as you get to know one another and experiment together, finding out what the other likes.

 

You also deserve someone you can trust, and know will not hurt you as this man has done. You have hit rock bottom with this man, allowing him to hurt you in ways you never would have imagined. How will you ever trust him again?

 

I feel for you, I know you are weak, but please, really think this through. You deserve more than you are settling for.

[Hope75]

Temp?

 

Just wanted to see how you were doing, and what you are up to.....

[lakergal]

Hey Temp - sorry for my absense - I got a warning lol - guess I'm too... umm... direct.

 

Drop me a PM and I'll give my email addy -

 

You are doing well - remember that. It's hard to get over the ones we love - especially when they conned us into thinking everything was our fault, everything they did at the beginning of our relationships was "really" them and not a mirage...

 

I still have wandering thoughts about my ex... and then reality of what he did, what he's about, his addiction, his lack of love for anything or anyone except for his addiction, slaps me up side the head and I say, "oh yeah" I remember why I hate him

 

Keep going to Al Anon - I'm back, and I'll post - but send me a PM.