Total Devastation

[temperamental_taurus]

Well, I know I'm going to catch alot of heat for this but I tonight I am going to be intimate with J...

 

I know I'm supposed to give it time, heal etc... but I can't STAND the thought that my ex was the last one in me and I need the emotional barrier and I just plain old want to.

 

 

It'll probably make me sad, and I might end up even more messed up - but I don't think that's possible at this moment.

 

J will be a loving partner and it will definitely be more compassionate than the sex with my ex.

 

Ok, go ahead and blast me now... I know I've got it coming but be gentle about it...

[Hope75]

I'm not going to blast you too badly, but to say that you know you aren't giving yourself any time to get over the ex,

 

and you are using someone who loves you to extract revenge and satisfy your own selfish needs.

 

It's cruel, and you know it. The guy loves you, there is alot more at stake for him than for you, and I for one would not want to be used if I were him.

[temperamental_taurus]

So, it's done and it actually was pretty darn good... I was surprised, was expecting alot less... and alot more of me - like tears of closure or something - but I actually enjoyed myself...

 

He treats me very well and I could get used to that. He's expecting me to run, he knows I run away from everything - but I'm not going to... a girl could do alot worse... I'm sitting here, drunk - isn't this what I complained about to HIM? Not going to follow in his footsteps, just needing the numbness of it all... thinking I'm going to hibernate for awhile - thi new life, it feels so different than what I'm used to... a new man, a new place to live, new friends... I don't know about it all just yet... change is so difficult for me...

 

Thinkng I'm gonna go to bed, my computr's acting up and not sure how long it'll last, more tomorrow...

[Hope75]

I'm really sad for you right now, temp.

 

Maybe you are known to run from things because you don't think them through and you don't take your own needs into consideration, or the needs of the guy you basically just used.

 

Afterwards you needed to get drunk, another sign that you pushed yourself too far and weren't ready for this to happen. Emotional numbness? Don't you think if maybe you need to feel numb after sleeping with your friend that there is something wrong with being with him right now?

 

Thinking solely of your friend and not yourself, were you fair to him last night? Can you give him what he deserves in a relationship, when you are not a whole person right now yourself?

[temperamental_taurus]

Ahh, Hope... I'm sad for myself too. I don't know what the heck I'm doing half the time right now, if I was to be honest with myself. This break-up and everything that came before it really did a number on me. And I guess I don't know what to do to find relief from it. Counseling is not an option because I don't have health insurance. I can go to Al-Anon meetings but I'm thinking at this point I need alot more than that.

 

And no, I won't be able to give J what he needs right now... there's just SOMETHING that keeps me from forming any emotions towards him. To be blatantly truthful, he'll probably get hurt.

 

Typically, I'm not a selfish person, but yeah, I sure was last night. I don't know how to stop the pain. I think I'm depressed. I haven't been able to clean my house, I don't even want my cats on or around me right now and have thought about giving them up... I'm falling behind at work... It's almost like I'm mentally paralyzed. Fact is, I don't want anyone in my life but then yet, I don't want to feel isolated either...

 

It is literally killing me - how does ANYONE recover from something like this? The thoughts never stop... never. I loved him so much.

[Hope75]

Hi Temp,

 

I think that Al Anon is a good start for you. You will meet people there that you can identify with and who have been through what you have. Best of all, it's free. You can talk to others there and see if there might be some subsidized counselling that they know of where you can get more help if you need it.

 

As far as J goes, well you know what I think about that. It is easier to hide behind him than face what's really happening, and I know that, I tried to too when I left my guy....what you really need to do is come to terms with the fact that you are not at fault with anything your ex did to himself or you, and that you need to forgive yourself for staying and allowing yourself to get hurt, and that you could not save him.

 

You probably need to forgive him too, at least to yourself. Hate and anger is poison on a person's soul, and it will eat away at you if you cannot learn to let the whole thing go. That is the first step, and then you may start to realize how much you are worth to yourself and how much you deserve more.

 

Hang in there, it's tough! But people get through it, and you will too.

 

PS- Get a friend to come help you clean the house, you will feel better if it's clean, and hug those kitties!!

[temperamental_taurus]

OK, Hope… I hear you and I decided to do the right thing this morning… I don't want to hurt him, even though I enjoy spending time with him… And I was feeling bad. And I want to start doing the RIGHT things. I know that I'm unhealthy for him right now…. My heart and head are somewhere else. We talked about this, my need for time alone… I explained that I will end up hurting him, that I can't give him what he needs right now – if ever. That it's not fair that I hide behind him, so that I can't feel the pain. Please see attached letter I just received from him:

 

 

 

Unfortunately, he's still talking about him and I in a LTR – but this concept is inconceivable to me at this moment… I need to be completely alone, I feel the need to sleep for weeks… but he STILL wants to be there for me. God, why, WHY couldn't this have been how it was in my last relationship??? I'm not ready to be a mom for this man's autistic child, and I don't want to hurt the boy either… I'm taking time away from him… however long it takes, and it may take forever, yet scared that I'll miss him once I'm gone… More later...

[Hope75]

Hi Temp,

 

Good for you! I am proud of you, really I am! =D> =D>

 

It's a really tough decision to make, but if you start out doing the things that are right for you, it will be easier in the long run to learn to feel good about yourself.

 

And don't forget about Al Anon, I think it would be a tremendous help to you.

 

This J sounds really nice, and like a good guy, and I think you did the right thing in telling him what you did. He told you he is a big boy and so he will try to understand that you need space from him right now.

 

Don't look too deeply into the LTR he mentioned, that will be a choice both of you can make if and when you feel ready. You are under no obligation to be with him at any time.

 

Hang in!

[lakergal]

First, Al Anon does NOT support any outside groups nor during meetings does the suggestion come up

 

Even known treatment centers are not endorsed. It's in keeping with the 7th tradition.

 

Second, no GOOD Al Anon group will give advice. If you find women/men in the group giving it? RUN! They should tell their story and how it pertains to whatever topic or step/tradition you are on. If something works for you, GREAT! If not, leave it.

 

As our slogan goes, Take what you want, leave the rest. There are many things that I hear from others that don't "fit" my situation but so often I hear something that does:

 

"Anxiety means I'm not trusting God... a lack of faith."

 

So, I trust God: or in Al Anon terms, "Let go, and Let God."

 

Al Anon has done wonders for me... and so I continue to go despite there being no active addict in my life.

 

It's helped me make BETTER choices than I did before.

 

So why did I stay with an abusive, narcissistic jerk? BECAUSE I QUIT going to Al Anon... I firmly and whole heartedly believe that. HAd I kept going after I met him, I'd have been out of there much sooner with more of my self esteem intact.

 

Please consider a good Al Anon group - give yourself 6 weeks in one... then change to another one if that one doesn't work. Every one of the groups is different - I attended several til I found my "home" group - and with them... I'm home and I'm finally, safe. (I'm not talking physically but emotionally and mentally with people who understand the addictions AND the enablers.)

 

You can be too.

[temperamental_taurus]

Thanks Lakergal... I'm going to go to an Al-Anon meeting with a co-worker who goes to these meetings regularly. I need to do SOMETHING.

 

I talked with the ex today... It was good to hear his voice. He was supposed to call me back, didn't - but that's ok... I know he's busy... hoping to be able to be friends with him at some point.

 

I had a good night, went over and hung out with girlfriends - and had an enlightening moment. There was a woman there I had never met - and she asked me what was it that I liked about my ex. That's easy, I told her: I love his eyes, his hands, his feet, his laugh, his skin, his smell, his voice. Ok, she said, what else? What about how he treats you do you like. That question confused me... I love everything about him!!! I'd die for this man, I told her... But I wasn't answering her question... what about how he treats you DO YOU LIKE??? Well, I love his forehead kisses and he tucks me into bed... and? Well, I couldn't come up with a heck of alot. Nothing about the way he treats me makes me feel good or secure... that's what made me into this mess of a girl. Exactly, she said and just looked at me. And then it truly hit me... What I love about him are things that are familiar to me... nothing of substance. WOW WOW WOW... have I been a dumb blond LOL.

 

J wanted me to come over, I went - warned him again that this wasn't healthy for him... but he wanted to talk. Got lost on the way over there - a drive I make everyday - shows how distracted I've been. We were sitting on his patio, deep in conversation and I must have picked up my lighter, subconsciously wanting a cigarette, which were inside the house. You need a cigarette, huh? he asked. Yeah, how'd you know? I'm observant, you're holding your lighter... he said and went and got me my pack. All I could do was look at him, I'm sure with a shocked look on my face... He is AWARE of me and my wants and needs. Another WOW moment - when I get healthy I'm all over this guy...

 

Well, it past 1 AM... More later...

[lakergal]

=D>

 

AWESOME!! SO glad you are going to go to a meeting... just listen. No one needs to hear your story unless you are totally comfortable... remember that.

 

Remember that the first meetings are so very confusing! Nothing will make sense... if you can, focus on what the people are talking about - if it is a good group they will talk about how the topic or step helps them...

 

I'm so very thrilled you're taking this very first HEALTHY step for yourself... keep going back, keep listening and I promise you, you will feel better and more healthy. I've seen it again and again and again and....

[Hope75]

Lakergal,

 

I bow to your knowledge of Al Anon, I have never been, though it probably could have helped me alot during the 5 years I lived with an abusic addict/alcoholic. I think it's great that it has had such a positive effect on your life.

 

Obviously, Temp, you should listen to Lakergal about this, she knows better than I do. I'm happy that you have a friend who goes already, so you have support right there.

 

I think it was a good question that woman asked you, it's funny that we don't think about this deep stuff without a little probing.

 

You sound like you are headed in the right direction. I do question whether or not right now you should be talking to you ex. While you still feel so weak and have such strong feelings for him, do you think it's good idea, and condusive to your healing?

 

Just a thought...

[temperamental_taurus]

Funny you should say that... he called and offered to look at my computer during lunch today. I agreed. ROFLMAO - oh boy, fun stuff... Let me just fill you in on the sickness of it all...

 

He greeted me with a hug...I don't even remember how it all started, oh yeah, I asked him if he really did sleep with her, he said that he wasn't sexual with her THAT NIGHT but they got drunk and high and slept in the same bed together. He told me that he did it to hurt me and that right now he's playing with her, that she's crazy and already emotionally messed up and that "that's how I like 'em".... I sure do miss those games, let me tell ya. I then essentially told him that I didn't need any of this to happen to me. He said this is how he is, that he likes the challenge and I was just that. That after awhile he just moves on. I told him through tears that it wasn't fair to me, and if he had only been up front and honest with me that I would have never gotten into a relationship with him. That the choice should have been mine to make... that I'm destroyed, I can't think, clean, function. He then asked for anal sex (a few times)... come on, just let me... Can you believe that??? What nerve... and no, I didn't, in case you were wondering - honestly, I was so turned off by what I was hearing that I would have rather vomited on myself. He told me they're partying every night, until 4 am, late for work, etc... Can't believe I love and care about this person... I really never knew him. I do, on the other hand, believe in God... and he will lead me to a better place, away from all these sick people.

 

So, tonight I'm going to my first Al-Anon meeting, it's at 7:15 at some church in Tempe. I'm starting the road to recovery for myself... and I can't wait. How sick and twisted he is and at least I was able to tell him to his face how badly he hurt me - I know he doesn't care, but it felt good to me. Thinking I'm going to find a different computer geek to help me out when my computer goes haywire next time... can't wait to go tonight and begin to put an end to all this maddness. More later....

[Hope75]

Temp,

 

I'm sorry. That must have been awful for you.

 

Maybe this is what you needed to see to give yourself that final push towards getting away from him for good and taking of yourself for a change.

 

The less you surround yourself with these self distructive people the better off you will be and the easier it will be to recover. I do not talk to my ex... I found it too hard to stay connected in any way after all that he put me and himself through... they just don't get it.

 

Good luck at your Al Anon meeting tonight and please let us know how it goes.

 

[lakergal]

One thing you'll LOVE about a good Al Anon group is the

 

1) anonymity - no one talks about the others, or at least they shouldn't

 

2) non-judgmental - the groups are usually VERY non judgmental which helps when recovering from such extreme behavior on the part of our ex's...

 

I applaud your willingness to view a new, healthier life...

 

Lord knows, you deserve it!

 

We all do.

[temperamental_taurus]

So tonight was my very first al-anon meeting... and boy was I sure in the right place. There were men and women there... all having gone through or are going through the very same motions as I am. Leaving, begging them to come back, leaving again, allowing themselves to be walked all over because of their mates' illnesses - swearing it'll be the last time when it never is... all perpetuating the disease. Some women have been going there 10+ years... One thing that was said is that it is OK to love an alcoholic and to stay with him. Those people are STILL going to the meetings because they are STILL with their alcoholic. Have rushed to the ER over and over because his DT's were so bad that they had to restrain him. So, I guess this is the part of Al-Anon that I'll leave there... It is not ok for me to love this man, who is so sick. Not in my mind, anyways... No matter how messed up I am over him right now, I'm still stronger than he is. My world and life were happy before him and it will be better after him. It's just that small part of me that loves him, that ISN'T so strong because this is a powerful illness. I'm planning on continuing to go to Al-Anon until I learn how to untangle myself from him. I felt empowered, I'm taking the first very necessary step to make myself stronger so that he can never treat me badly again.

 

I'm going to get through this, yup I am. I've made up my mind, I'm gonna try darn hard. In a few months time I'll be over all this - I will NOT be one of those women sitting there for 2 or more years... I REFUSE!!! He is not worth it. But I am... he told me today that it's not as if I was some angel throughout the relationship... yeah, I did and said things... this I also found out was normal yet destructive behavior... everyone does it, that I should have reacted differently when dealing with an alcoholic... opposite of the normal reaction. So, hmmm... I should have re-trained my NORMAL behaviors for abnormal ones JUST for his sake to save us? Nah - once again, not worth it. This is his illness, not mine, even though I became entangled in it. I've got a "sponsor" who will tell me the right things to do, ha ha, funny, I have a sponsor - never thought I'd have one of those. And I can call her anytime I need to be told how to retrain my brain to deal or cope with this situation... He's on his way out of my head... and boy will he be sorry once I'm gone. More tomorrow... A.

[lakergal]

YEAH!!! Congrats on attending!

 

One gentle reminder:

 

keep going even after you're through this - talk to your sponsor as often as needed...

 

the reason I gently suggest to keep going, whether it's two or 5 or 10 years from now, is to keep reminding yourself to stay healthy and what healthy behavior is...

 

There are different addictions: drug, alcohol, gaming (yes, really). The reactions from the addicts are all similar and unfortunately, I didn't think so and stayed with yet another addict... even when I knew something was "wrong"...

 

I go now even tho the addict is out of my life because I don't want to "find" another; or fall for another; or be with another...

 

I go because in going I find out more about myself, more about better ways to handle difficult situations (work, friends, family, lover)...

 

Congrats again - I'm very happy for you.... you will feel enormously better in just a few weeks!

[temperamental_taurus]

LG - Thank you for your support, I am definitely in need of it right now. I deleted all of our pictures - of EVERYTHING, off my computer. And to think I almost called and asked him if HE wanted them before I deleted them all. LMAO - like he ever cared about any of it. I'm going to clean up this house after I wake up from a nap, and throw away everything of his - even that darn shirt I love so much. I'm going to delete him permenantly from my life. I need to start healing, he never cared, he never tried and THAT he made perfectly clear yesterday. And I'm going to do the same thing. None of it mattered - not one bit of it. Let him continue on doing what he's doing, it's not my concern now. I give up, I give in. All I'm going to focus on now is feeling better. Tomorrow I bring Luna (one of my kitties) to where I got her from and then sometime this week or next weekend, find a place for Baby Kitten. Without all the chaos of animals running around, I may begin to feel at peace finally. I need my life to be the least complicated that it can be at this moment. I'm looking forward to purging all this stuff out of my life... Off to sleep, I need the rest... More later... A.

[lakergal]

How many cats do you have?

 

You will be amazed at what simplicity brings to one's life...

 

I applaud you for your determination!

 

When my ex moved out he "left" things behind... and also took things of mine with him... apparently in a move designed to have an "excuse" to come back...

 

Conveniently, 5 days after he moved out, the river village I live in has a "dump your junk day" for $15/load... Conveniently, his "excuse" for coming back ceased to exist after that day. Cost me $45 but the sanity was WELL worth it.

 

When I found stuff of his afterwards... I questioned whether or not it was right for me to toss it... for about 5 seconds. The time it takes me to walk from the front door of my house to the garbage bin! 8)

 

Needless to say, I did not throw anything of extreme value... becuase if it had any, he'd have taken it - Lord knows he took enough of MY stuff with him that DID have value But that's another story...

 

GRATS again - well deserved nap!

[Hope75]

Temp,

 

Yes, a much deserved congrats! I'm so pleased that you found strength and comradship at Al Anon. It sounds like a wonderful place. I had to take my ex to the hospital once and then restrained him as well. It was awful, he was very combative and trying to assault security....

 

You are smart to rid your house and life of him.

 

Won't you miss your kitties though? I'm a big cat lover, we have two and I'd be lost without them.

[temperamental_taurus]

So tonight was fun, I had a house cleaning party - my friends came over to help me rid my life of this guy and to get my life back in order. We all went to Walmart, and I was finally able to get the things I've needed for around the house for so long. Thank God for people like this... We had a great time, drinking wine, coolers, beer, smoking cigs and music... laughing, reminising... Good times...

 

Forgot to call my sponsor though... LOL... guess I'm just not in the swing of things just yet... Well, after a bottle of wine and all this excitment, I'm done for the evening... Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day... More laterr...A.

[lakergal]

If your sponsor has said to call - please do.

 

As a sponsor, it makes helps to know the person is sincere in getting healtier after living with an addict. It helps me to know I'm not wasting my time. So often a good sponsor is overwhelmed with requests to be one... it helps to know who truly wants to get better and who doesn't.

 

So often people come to Al Anon not realizing their own selfish, self centered mannerisms and behaviors. I didn't... but then, I did.

 

Your party sounds like the one my dad, my son and I had with my ex.

 

"Oopsie, did i really throw that card table into the dump bin?... yep, I did...oh darn.." /giggle giggle

[temperamental_taurus]

LG.... Right now I have 3 cats... 2 Manx one girl, one boy and a Persian male. When I was in the 2 bedroom, 2 bath, ground level with access to outside it was fine... but now I'm in a 2nd story 1 bedroom, 1 bath with no patio and it's just too much. They are all going stir crazy and can't go outside. It's like a little whirlwind in here all the time... so, I'm doing what's best for them... besides the fact that for the past 2 weeks I haven't really been up to taking care of what I need to.

 

I need the peace, and I have to take care of ME... I will miss them but I can't think in all this chaos... Hopefully, they will be adopted out to decent homes... And I want to start school in the fall and when I'm on the computer so are they... they make pretty good computer privacy screens.

 

My plan for the future is starting school in the fall, staying out of any relationships until I finish school - just date here and there - tired of these idiots. After 2 years of schooling I'll be able to increase my salary by at least 20,000 a year and that seems more worth the effort than boys.

[temperamental_taurus]

LG - there IS something to disposing of all the remaining crap that reminds you of the ex, huh!!! I got significant satisfaction throwing a diamond necklace he bought me for Christmas in the dumpster (oops!)... Sucka!!! LOL

[Hope75]

Yowsa!

 

A diamond necklace? Time to fish that out and pawn it and use the cash to buy a book or two for school!

 

What are you going to school for?