I suck at being gay :)

[pianoguy]

Hello all,

 

Lately I have come to realize that I suck at being gay and need basic advice on how to be gay. I mean this in jest of course, I don't think it's any more possible to suck at being gay than at being straight, but there are issues that I've having troubles dealing with, namely, coming out, and dating.

 

For those of you that remember my post "roommate crush" - I am 20 years old although I feel, look, and act much older. There was never a struggle to identify myself, I always knew I was gay. I was homeschooled through highschool and didn't really have to deal with the social aspects of my sexuality until college, I foolishly picked a Christian college (not because of the Christianity, because of the awesome music department). At college I fell madly in love with one of my housemates, a sweet, caring, brilliant, gentle, beautiful, and wholly innocent guy who also turned out to be extremely straight and thought homosexuality was a sin. He graduated in May, we parted with him never discovering my orientation. I think of him frequently, I am trying to limit contact with him so that I can finally get over him (this has been going on far too long- 2 years and counting) and I think I am making limited progress in this area. Thoughts of John still hinder my looking for someone else, and cause me to lose motivation when thinking about dating (I think my heart thinks he's the perfect one and won't listen to my brain). This has sent me into depression many times and this disaster is still a heavy burden that I carry.

 

Anyways, over the summer I'm involved with an acting troupe doing musical theater, which is definitely a better place to meet gay people than the college, but I'm still sucking at this. I just don't know how to approach people or when I'm being approached. There was a guy who I was positive had a crush on me, but it turned out he was joking and was straight. There was another guy who made what I thought was an anti-gay remark when we were discussing homosexuality who turned out to be gay. I'm told that people have no idea that I'm gay also, I have no mannerisms, and it always comes as a huge shock when I come out to somebody.

 

In addition, I'm a fairly reserved, quiet person. I wouldn't describe myself as shy per se, I'm not afraid of people, but I'm not really much of a people-person, I prefer practicing the piano to partying, etc. I do have a small circle of friends whom I love intensely, but our activities are mostly things like going to coffee, sitting around and talking for hours, playing board games, etc. I don't really like alcohol and the atmosphere that goes with it.

 

In my mind this conflicts with what it means to be "gay" in the traditional sense, i.e., hard-partier, bargoer, etc. To me much of this aggressive socializing is necessary when you are gay since such a tiny percentage of the population is gay, so you have to meet a ton of people before you find any gay people.

 

To me this is very depressing. I've decided that if I am to stand a snowball's chance in h*** of meeting someone I need to come out. I am not totally closeted, but the people who know are mainly my family (who are wonderful and extremely supprotive, thank God) and my close friends. Anyways, I realize I don't really know how to do this either. I can't really wear a T-shirt that says "I'm gay" and it's not really a great topic at parties- the very last thing I want to talk about in fact.

 

I talk about my orientation much the same way I talk about religion- as little as possible. To me it is a private topic that is too intense for ordinary conversation. Is this a bad attitude? Should I become more cavalier and flippant about this and mention it in passing frequently?

 

I realize I've written alot with no specific questions- I guess what I'm asking for is just advice from all the topics I've covered- how to get over John, how to detect other gay people, how to approach and be approached, how to be shy and gay, how to come out and discuss my orientation, etc. etc.

[Cadence308]

need basic advice on how to be gay

 

Well, if you've had a chance to read any past posts, wearing a rainbow belt or reading glasses would let others know that you are gay. Khakis, polo shirts, playing golf, bowling, and softball would also make you gay. Okay, I'm being stereotypical.

 

I think that you are doing the right things by just spending time with people and widening your social circle. I am in a similar position to you right now since I just moved to a new city and know absolutely no one. Keep in mind that the friends you meet will have other friends and those people will have friends so you never know who and when you might meet "him."

 

mgirl would be the one to talk to about gay bars and stuff. I've only been to the female bar once. I wasn't my thing, either.

[mgirl]

Hi Piano,

 

You shouldn't have to change yourself to fit in with the majority. If i were you, i would continue being my individual self and if you want to let certain others into your life, do something subtle like wear those gay beads around your neck or something. They are unobtrusive, kinda cool and will let similiar others know who you are.

 

Most sub-cultures have "identifiers", which are symbols or items worn which identify you as part of that culture, so you just need to find out what the dominant ones are in your area are and wear those. For example, in my area it is worn/ripped jeans, a tight t and designer sneakers.

 

There is no need to dress like everyone else, just be yourself and identify yourself somehow.

[kaboom]

I think the best way to come out of the closet is just to "slip" out of the closet. You don't need to go around with a t-shirt saying "I'm gay and i love it!" and wearing a gay flag as a cape, but you know, just don't hide it, don't shut up. If the topic comes up, mention it. I guarantee once a couple of people know, it'll spread like fire.

In this day and age, there's gonna be very little reaction from the straight community, they are used to us by now, but this dramatically increases your chances of meeting someone.

Not every gay/bi etc person is hard partying and stuff. Fine a lot us are, but i have plenty of gay friends who aren't exactly social animals. And one of them has a wonderful boyfriend.

At a certain point lots of people start getting nervous about not having a boyfriend and stuff. Chaging the way you are (ie, start going out and drinking and all the stuff u don't really like doing) to find a boyfriend is a recipe for disaster, because the person you will find won't be what u're looking for.

Just be patient, and you WILL find someone.

after all, we ARE 10% of the popultion. not that tiny a proportion.