Do relationships prevent you from "finding yourself&amp

[Caldus]

I really do honestly believe that when you're not tied down with someone that you just "grow" as an individual much faster. Growing meaning finding out what you alone want to do in life and act on it. I propose this because I see a correlation between people who have jumped from relationship to relationship and a less open perspective on life. Now we all know that correlation certainly does not mean casuation (and especially if it's a correlation observed by one person ... me). As for many things, there are special cases that we shouldn't forget. However, overall I believe that when you're not tied down with someone, you have a heck of a lot more time to learn about yourself ... and the more I have done it recently ... the more I realize that relationships aren't everything in life ... in fact I have begun to see in my own eyes that relationships are far from everything in life.

 

Thoughts?

[Empathy]

I would first actually like to thank you for posting this thought. It has been the first real light at the end of the tunnel I have seen since my recent break-up. I've never thought about this. And now that I've thought about it I totally agree with you. It's hard to focus on yourself when you're in a relationship. When you're tied down to someone it's second nature to focus strictly on them most of the time. At least that's how it is for me. I'm now going to have an easier time with viewing my break-up as a positive thing.

[Blue Skittles]

I definitely agree with you on this one. the mroe time i spend alone the more i get to know about myself. Sure its sad and lonely but in the end i'm a much better person because of it, thank you for sharing your thoughts.

[brando]

not sure about this one, relationships are great for growth. If aware and open to growth, each interaction, disagreement, agreement, fight, etc... are oportunities for growth in a relationship as well. It is when we ignore these opportunities for realizing we behaved badly, inapropiately, etc...that we stop grwing in a relationship.

 

being single, alone can be as stifling for growth as can a relationship. It has more to do with one being aware of themselves in either scenario, and wanting to grow, change and learn about ones self.

[Caldus]

not sure about this one, relationships are great for growth. If aware and open to growth, each interaction, disagreement, agreement, fight, etc... are oportunities for growth in a relationship as well. It is when we ignore these opportunities for realizing we behaved badly, inapropiately, etc...that we stop grwing in a relationship.

 

being single, alone can be as stifling for growth as can a relationship. It has more to do with one being aware of themselves in either scenario, and wanting to grow, change and learn about ones self.

 

I want to make another theory here. I think that when the relationship goes bad (i.e. the constant misbehavior and poor communication) is when the chances for the partners to grow together (or for them to grow alone) is greatly reduced. There is no more decent enough companionship for further growth as partners. And when things are messed up, you either have one (or maybe both) partner(s) trying to fix the relationship itself rather than continuing their personal growth (whether it's together or by themselves).

 

Having said that, there are obviously many relationships out there with issues (the forums here are some good evidence so far, also look around your friends' relationships, and so on...). So this is how it connects with my proposal of the correlation I made in my first post.

[sarsapolis6]

I'm taking the middle road because I've experienced the negatives of being in a relationship AND being alone. Relationships..I envy guys who were able to say the right words and act in the right ways that lead them into committed relationships with girls. The hugs, the sex, that special feeling of being next to someone who's beautiful from within and out..that is only a small part of what makes a relationship great. but the first poster is right. If you're in a relationship that is always about You and Me, without avenues to explore other things in life with other people, (platonically..lets not get any ideas!) then your life will get shallow. This fear came true. I spent so much time trying to woo this girl last year. Finally reached her plateau of interest, and we spent time together. (no sex, awhhh) Anyways, so much of my focus was on her and I that I began to lose touch with what was going on in the bigger social sphere. It's OK to do this when you're old and gray, but not when you're in your twenties. When we broke up, I vowed that I would spend more time building and maintaining friendships with as many people as possible. Naturally, I would have fun with a commitment. In any case I stuck to my word and participated in a play, something I never would've done before when I was in a relationship.

And, being single and alone isn't helpful and healthy and really, really sucks. When I broke up I didn't have a cushion of close friends and buddies to land upon..I was pretty much alone and I felt lost.

[GuiltyAsCharged]

If this is true then I sure am one jedi master level wise guru. I don't think I'll ever get a girlfriend so I'll have so major extra growing ahead of me

[imagi]

I think that relationships are important to growth because we need to learn how to interact with people on an intimate level.. it's part of life. However, I do whole heartedly agree with your theory here. I've watched so many of my friends who *have* to be in a relationship or they don't know what to do with themselves. They can't be happy unless they have that with them at all times. When they're relationships break down they fall to pieces completely because they have no idea what they're going to and their whole life revolves around having "someone". So, to add to what you've said. I think it's important for people to be alone in order to know who they are, and to be emotionally stable.

[shes2smart]

Having spent about an equal amount of time single & in relationships throughout my adult life, neither is better than the other for personal growth. They both offer unique lessons. Each can teach you plenty about yourself if you're open to what they're trying to teach you.

[Rainz]

Interesting as I've always seen things in the concept in the original post.

 

I've been in relationships and been single and independent as well. I've generally found those who have always been in relationships, or just been in one long relationship never having really done much of anything for themself or by themself, somwhat, less expanded and less evolved in some ways than those of us who have been single and have had to make our own lives without always having someone there to share the burden.

 

I know women who can't even relate to some of the dating stories and ups and downs that myself and our friends have been through, simply because they've never experienced it, they've never had to. When it comes to how to deal with exes, whereas on the forums there are many of us who have comtemplated breaking NC or somethin, I have friends who just couldn't even comprehend what that would be about! The thought of it, they just can't contemplate what it is...again because they've never had to.

 

However, the other side of the coin is that there are traits and ways that are healthy to maintaining and keeping a healthy relationship and when you're out of the loop, doing things your own way and just generally not always having to consider anyone else...you can lack some of those traits as you've not had to develop them within relationships that you have had.

 

So what I'm saying is that there are both advantages and disadvantages to both.

[hearo97]

I agree with the idea that the health of the relationship will determine the amount of personal growth. In my marriage, I spent so much time trying to either fix things or keep my ex happy that I completely lost sight of who I even was. It wasn't even a matter of growth.... it was a matter of personal autonomy being gone. It took a long time after my separation and divorce to find myself again - remembering who I was and what I wanted was a huge step on the road to recovery.

 

On the other hand, in my current relationship - my bf encourages my personal exploration and growth and I do the same for him. His previous marriage was similar to mine and we are both amazed and the difference the encouragement makes.

[Caldus]

If this is true then I sure am one jedi master level wise guru. I don't think I'll ever get a girlfriend so I'll have so major extra growing ahead of me

 

I'm not trying to say that you would become "better" in any way, shape, or form whether you jump from relationship to relationship or stay single for a long time. Just proposing that when someone is alone for a longer period of time, they just tend to find out who they are and this "finding out who they are" process allows their future relationships in general to be more healthy.

[shes2smart]

I agree with the idea that the health of the relationship will determine the amount of personal growth. In my marriage, I spent so much time trying to either fix things or keep my ex happy that I completely lost sight of who I even was. It wasn't even a matter of growth.... it was a matter of personal autonomy being gone. It took a long time after my separation and divorce to find myself again - remembering who I was and what I wanted was a huge step on the road to recovery.

 

Looked at in a certain way, though, losing sight of yourself when you were in this relationship assisted you in ultimately finding yourself. When we have something precious but take it for granted, it is when we are separated from it that we realize how important it truly is. You will be less likely to lose that sense of self in your future relationships because of your experience with this one.

 

On the other hand, in my current relationship - my bf encourages my personal exploration and growth and I do the same for him. His previous marriage was similar to mine and we are both amazed and the difference the encouragement makes.

 

That encouragement is something neither of you would understand the importance of if you hadn't had the experience of NOT having it.

 

In many ways the things we learn when we're single assist us when we're in relationships and the things we learn in relationships assist us when we're single. Both states offer unique lessons that can't be experienced in the other, but all the lessons are complimentary with each other.

[itry]

u are wise beyond ur years kiddo

[volution]

There is a quote I discovered recently that has become one of my favourites: "Love is like a mirror. When you love another you become their mirror and they become yours... And reflecting each other's love you see infinity"

 

I believe that there is only so far you can grow, being alone, and that to discover the more deeper, truer, intimate truths of life and existence, you must walk your path with another. Life becomes lonely, even though we might choose moments and times to be alone, to find ourselves and our inner truths and dreams. Life becomes lonely, when we don't have someone to share those dreams, hopes, and explore those truths with.

Being in a relationship with someone by no means means that you have to spend every single moment of your existence consumed and obsessed with them.

It is a dance between intimacy and separation. Separation in this case means spending time apart alone, in reflection, or pursuing something that perhaps your partner doesn't share the same interest in -- it is amazing how many people in relationships 'force' their partner to take part in their hobbies even if they don't like them, and vice-versa, some people feel they have to begrudgingly take part in their other half's activities lest they offend or hurt them.

 

There is a crucial difference, though, between "alone" and "loneliness".

Alone means being away from other people, usually out of choice.

Loneliness means being alone but not out of choice, and always entails feelings of unhappiness and dejection.

The words are often mis-used, and we often associate the two, and also embue them with the same meanings - alone and loneliness - both meaning unhappy and single.

We can be alone and happy. But we cannot be lonely and happy.

We can be lonely in a crowd. It hurts greatly when we are lonely, and also alone. But the worst of all is, being lonely in a relationship.

Aloneness is out of choice... Loneliness is not...

[Double J]

Hey Caldus.

 

I can identify with what you are saying. I hadn't been in a relationship until now since '03, so I definitely had a good deal of time to get to know myself better and what exactly I looked for in a relationship. In my opinion, when you're in a serious relationship (as I am now), you don't have as much time for yourself, but you should insist on having SOME time alone. I think people need time for themselves, whether to hang out with their friends, cultivate a hobby, etc. Being single definitely allows you to grow as a person, but being in a relationship allows you to do the same. You could be single and see a friend of yours in a tumultuous relationship and say "Man, I'm glad I'm not in one of those," but you could also be in one yourself, and experience something that teaches you exactly what you can and cannot tolerate in a relationship.

[Empathy]

I think where this theory applies really depends on the person. I have realized that I am not someone who is likely to grow very much while in a relationship. If I'm with someone that I really care about or love I will focus on them before I ever THINK about focusing on myself. I'm a very selfless person and most of the time it is a weakness more than it is a strength. It definitely holds me back more than it helps me.

[Caldus]

Hey Double J how have you been? Been a while since I've seen you here.

 

Yup that's how I see it. It's simply a time issue. You're spending lots more time with someone else whether you're thinking about them or spending time with them. It's not your fault that you don't "grow" as fast. It just simply happens that way in my opinion.