Need help

[rob_nass]

I have never posted before but am really struggling to find answers and the right thing to do.

My wife and i have two beautiful daughters 3 and 6. An amazing house and are very lucky with what we have from the outside. Our problems are with eachother i come from a stable home and cannot fault my upbringing and family. My wifes is pretty much the opposite of this. We are very similar on a moral level and see the world in the same way and on the most part out marriage is a good one. 

We have big issues around sex. What it means, how it feels, frequency etc. This has always been an issue. Because of past experiences i think i have some kind of avoidance thing going on and PE. This isnt something i have dealt with well but am looking to resolve and have in the past without doing so. Our relationship is not conventional in that although we live in a big house it has been paid for by her father who has supported her financially very well but not imotionally on any level. Her parents went though a messy divorce and she went off the rails when younger although pulled herself through all that. (Her brothers is a different story) 

Anyway for sone reason she has quite a few insecurity/social anxiety issues...i am also prone such issues although not as often. 

Sex is important in a marriage i know that but its not everything in my opinion. We made love 2 weeks ago but she thinks i am just going through the motions and just questions my motivation all the time..."its just a box ticking excersise" We are currently having a huge row over the subject to the point where she wants to end the marriage and wants me out of the house. I dont know what to do. I dont want her to be unhappy but am so scared to face all of this. Obviously ur only getting my side of things but any advice would be helpful i am quite desperate.

Thanks

[Batya33]

Sorry if I missed this but have you tried counseling?  Are both of you happy with the arrangement with the house ?

[ShySoul]

What are you more scared of - facing this issue or possibly losing her for good?

Relationships need open, honest communication. Each person needs to feel safe to open up and say what they are really feeling inside. And each person needs to be able to listen to the other with an understanding and empathetic ear. 

If you want to keep this relationships, you need to be able to face your fear. You need to be make sure she understands that it's not her and that you do love her, but that's it's your own issues from your past that is making things difficult for you. Then you need to figure out what exactly is triggering you and find a way to address it. That could take any number of forms. Find what you think will help you the most.

On her side, I would hope she would try to understand your feelings and help you through them. I would hope she would see that you are making the effort. While I understand wanting sex, I also don't see it as so vital as to throw away what appears to be an otherwise good marriage to someone who you identify with and have two children with. I wonder if her anxiety and parent's divorce are causing her to see a larger problem then is really there and rush to a divorce as the easy answer. 

How much of your issue have you really communicated with her? And how well has she really tried to listen and understand? The first step in fixing a problem is admitting it and have a real, serious discussion about it.

[shouldhavelearned]

Find some ways to make it interesting 

 

Go back to sharing some of the wine and dining

Dates with no kids

 

Love notes

Massages

[rob_nass]

We have done a bit of counselling but didnt find it helpful. I am very much open to try and confront the issue with counselling and i am just waiting on a testosterone test kit which i thin might be a factor. 

We have had the argument/discussion many times and we tend to revert to type because we get along again...will make love every few weeks or so and all seems ok. This is what i want to change about myself because although its a diffucult subject i risk losing my wife who i think the world of. She is my everything and i have been stupid to let things get this far i guess when i see her as happy al is well so i then crack on with everything else in life...freinds, kid stuff, family, work and also my wife date night etc. (But i guess im doing things in the wrong way) 

What i would say is that for the last few years because of resentment on this subject i think she doesnt instigate sex it is all on me because she thinks i have rejected her. I havent done this deliberately but what i have done by not sorting this in invalidated her feelings. This i am truly sorry for but i fear its too late

 

Thanks for reading

[rob_nass]

Regarding the house...for the last 8 years or so i have paid %80 of the bills because she doesnt work. She stopped work through stress and never went back altough she has tried recently now the kids are a bit older. I see myself as extreamly lucky we have a house with no mortgage and although i dont really see it as mine i dont see this as an issue although i do want something i can call my own eventually....i am trying to get a point where i can run my own business but thats another story.

My wife did when younger and last year have suicidal thoughts. She is on prozac but sometimes forgets to take it. As i say she means so much to me all i want to do is make things better right now am scared of losing her.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, rob_nass said:

Regarding the house...for the last 8 years or so i have paid %80 of the bills because she doesnt work. She stopped work through stress and never went back altough she has tried recently now the kids are a bit older. I see myself as extreamly lucky we have a house with no mortgage and although i dont really see it as mine i dont see this as an issue although i do want something i can call my own eventually....i am trying to get a point where i can run my own business but thats another story.

My wife did when younger and last year have suicidal thoughts. She is on prozac but sometimes forgets to take it. As i say she means so much to me all i want to do is make things better right now am scared of losing her.

Both of you seem quite passive about putting on adult pants and facing situations.  What do you mean she's too stressed to work? Really? There's no paid work she can do that wouldn't "stress her" so -does she get disability payments if the stress is so bad? She chooses not to take the medicine -she doesn't "forget" -has she ever forgotten to do what she likes to do? 

I think both of you need to find a counselor -either couples or individual who is going to facilitate adult communication involving basic life responsibilities.  It's great you you have a goal of running a business -and - what do you do daily to move the ball forward? Is it a lucrative business or more of something you're passionate about?

The house is not your own so keep in mind if you want out or she does it's probably all hers.

[catfeeder]

I’m not clear about the issue. What is it about the last time you made love that is so upsetting to her? Were you so mechanical that she was insulted? If so, and you care so much, why would you not demonstrate more love and desire for her?

Maybe it’s the PE as opposed to ED that’s throwing me off. You can certainly enjoy enough desire with PE to show it. So what, exactly, is the problem?

[rob_nass]

She left work bacause of stress and it was a good move at the time. She obviously wants to do a job thats suited to her...she is over qualified for a lot of work and has tried hard recently but had several knockbacks. She needs something to work around the children so it narrows things quite a lot. 

I am in touch with a counsellor so hoping it will help me i just want her to do the same because im not ready to give up on our marriage

Whats upsetting is the frequency she feels like her sexual life is fading right now and i havent helped the situation.

I dont exactly know what the problem is with me but am trying to get to bottom of it i think i might have testosterone deficiency i have desire for her but we have a mismatch in frequency.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, rob_nass said:

She left work bacause of stress and it was a good move at the time. She obviously wants to do a job thats suited to her...she is over qualified for a lot of work and has tried hard recently but had several knockbacks. She needs something to work around the children so it narrows things quite a lot. 

I am in touch with a counsellor so hoping it will help me i just want her to do the same because im not ready to give up on our marriage

Whats upsetting is the frequency she feels like her sexual life is fading right now and i havent helped the situation.

I dont exactly know what the problem is with me but am trying to get to bottom of it i think i might have testosterone deficiency i have desire for her but we have a mismatch in frequency.

We all obviously want a good fit in a job. And most adults settle for less than a good fit as opposed to being completely unemployed for long periods of time. Then while they are employed they look for a better fit. It’s just adulting. People with disabilities work too - including people who have mental health disorders and if they cannot work they very often pursue and qualify for disability payments. It doesn’t sound like your wife has a disability. She simply would rather be unemployed than find the optimal work environment.  Almost all jobs have some amount of stress. That’s basically why it’s called work. Parenting involves stress too. It took me a long time to find a part time job that worked with childcare and my husband’s more than full time work and travel. But I was motivated to work (outside the home ). My work is stressful at times. So is parenting. 

My sense is that while there may be a testosterone issue the real issue is a combination of passivity on both your ends and on an arrangement where it’s obvious you rely on her parents for housing and she does as well and in your particular situation that adds to the lack of financial independence and you not wanting to rock the boat since you need her family contributions to live in the lifestyle you have.  My sense is this affects chemistry and sexual desire. 

[rob_nass]

You might be right. I would give up the house tomorrow if it meant more independence and things being more equal. Thank you

[smackie9]

I suggest you get yourself into sex therapy/counselling. The right kind of therapist for this sort of issue. 

[JoyfulCompany]

So, is the problem the PE or overall low libido? In the first case - there is a lot more that can be done - repeating after some time, other sexual acts, you could include toys, etc. and still have fun and fulfilling sex life. But if your overall mood/desire is lacking - that's another story.

Then comes the question - was it always like that - you having mismatched libidos? Did yours decrease or hers increase through the years? If yours was never particularly high, perhaps there's not so much you can do and it's a matter of incompatibility. Of course, I encourage all necessary bloodwork and a sex/marriage therapist, if she's still open to that option at all. Or at least some therapy for you but better you're both in a process. I would also wonder how close are you two emotionally. You mention the topics of housing and work, which are not directly relevant to the issue. Or are they? Do you feel inadequate that you don't own the house? Or maybe a lot of stress being the only one providing financially? Neither is an excuse but I could see they can contribute to the decreased libido.

Saying that "sex is important but it's not everything" is a common excuse of people who do have a major problem with it and are not willing to face it. It sucks you ignored it and her needs for so long. That it took her wanting to separate for you to finally start doing something about it. But I do hope you two are able to recover together from that and come out on the other side with a stronger bond and a more fulfilling sex life. Don't ignore issues, as they rarely go away on their own. And good luck.

[Cherylyn]

Since you don't have a mortgage,  you can afford to seek advice and treatment from a psychologist and urologist. 

[Andrina]

I know that in my first marriage, I hated the fact my husband was only physically affectionate on the days he wanted sex. I think it's important to give regularly be affectionate on days there will be no sex. I suggest reestablishing an emotional connection with affection, such as just caressing her hair as you two talk in bed before falling asleep. You could also cuddle while watching TV and hold hands. Exchanging foot rubs and back rubs always feels good. 

She should respond in kind and make her own effort, but if she doesn't, please also voice your own needs of what you'd like from her. 

Don't pour everything on all at once, but just like a houseplant will die without regularly caring for it, so will a relationship die without effort.

You can write her a letter of everything you appreciate about her. Taking the kids out for some hours on your day off to give her alone time will also have her appreciating you. 

Time to get out of a rut by doing things you've never tried before. Good luck.

[ShySoul]

If she has been stressed to the point of thinking of suicide, then there are emotional and mental issues that take precedent over a job. If you've been lucky enough to be be able to afford things otherwise, then it's good she takes care of health first. Children themselves are a full time job and another level of stress. I can understand why she hasn't been working. Though I do think it would be good for her to try to find something if she's up for it. Even if she can't find something just right, I'd recommend starting small with what she can find. I'm sure there are places that can use part time help. Depending on the field, work from home options are now common. I have a co-worker who moved three hours away and was able to keep convert her job into almost entirely work from home. Even just try volunteering to get her doing more. I had a friend who turned her volunteer work into a contract job, so you never know what will get your foot in the door.

I sense that you really do care about and love her. You do seem to want her happiness to come first. So if you are having an issue with the physcial act of sex, make up for it in other ways. Turn up the romance. Show her each day in some small way how lucky you feel to have her beside you. Surprise her with anything from a small gift to a specially prepared meal to a romantic date night to a personalized poem. Get creative. If she feels the love from you, she may be more open to working with you as you try to figure out what is physically going on with you.

Also remember that frequency isn't nearly as important as quality. You don't have to have sex whenever she wants it. If you aren't... ahem... up for it, then don't force it. Be honest with yourself and her that it's not the right time. But when you are ready, go all out to make it the best experience possible. And if you connect on the romance level, that might just make it easier on the physical level.

 

[rob_nass]

Thanks for all this. It helping for sure. 

A lot of what is suggested i /we have done but it tends be a quick fix rather than something long term ie romance making time for eachother etc i feel like i do as much as possible to be honest but ultimately its not enough for her (or not the right thing) Which i question if she appreciates all i do etc etc

She does need to work again now be ause she needs a focus and although our lives are very busy i know she could fo more and be more challenged everyday.

We spoke last night about a few things and what i mentioned was the origins of this most recent argument. I came home friday ready for a good family weekend (nothing special) just time woth eachother and the girls. When i walked in she was lying down and sleepy i said go and get some rest upstairs so she did. Later when we spoke is where the recurring argument started. Last night when we spoke she told me on that Friday she felt ugly and horny and depressed. And that she has missed some prozac. 

I felt that we were making some progress last night when talking but she still wants us in sepatate beds

Thanks all

[TeeDee]

She didn't get enough love as a child & needs you to make up for that.  It's not fair but it's who she is & what she wants. 

Even if you can't bring yourself to have sex with her more often, ramp up the romance.  Put the kids to bed & have a candle light dinner at the table without them.  Move the couch & dance in the living room.  Have a moonlight picnic in the backyard.  Draw her a bubble bath.  Offer to put lotion on her.  Leave paper notes around the house & send her a text during the day to let her know you are thinking about her.  Every once in a while get her flowers, even a single bloom, or pick up a trinket just because.  

She's looking for reassurance in the bedroom & outside of it. 

[RuthBennett]

You are right, I agree with you.