Young person breakup who needs support

[kye]

Hello everyone and I hope you have had a good day.

As a young person who is dealing with their first breakup, I just want some support so ik where to go with things. Last year at the start of the relationship in September I was a toxic person and a horrible person who didn't care about others. I would say horrible stuff about her mum and her family, I would just not care and only care for myself by being very controlling and very manipulative. Things did change from me to now as she was not happy in the relationship and she wanted to get out of it which I told her I would change as I always wanted to. I changed by starting wanting the relationship more and by starting to care. In person compared to online I was a different person. 

 

Fast forward to last month when she wanted things done for good when she spoke to my last talking stage and see if I was the same with her which at the time she was toxic and so was I as she made me look like a bad person however I didn't think I was until recently thinking about we was both as bad as each other. From that, it was seeing how we would go as I promised her I would change everything and I have. To now where I only want to give this woman love and support where she has told me I have changed. She brought a book so I made her a bookmark and a love note and gave her some chocolates where I posted through the mail. She told me she loved it and we started going to a happier place however she told me that she didn't love me and that is the reason why we are done. However, my thoughts and what I have been told is interesting. She told me she was going to this boy's house in her class to watch the football to see my reaction. She told me she still loves me and it's going to be hard as she knows she not in love with me anymore and she still cares for me where she didn't mean to upset me but thinks it is the best decision for us and she says if it's meant to be then we will find our ways backs. She is messaging me/ignoring me however I just want to give her the world as how we were going was the best and it was a relationship me and her would of gotten into and I just want some support on how to win her back over. 

[Batya33]

I would think it's a bad idea to try to win anyone over especially with all the drama you described. Including you choosing to treat her in a disrespecful and mean way. This was not a healthy interaction or relationship.  But it might be a good learning experience for you as to how to treat people and how to make a good first impression.  I'm sorry you're disappointed!

[kye]

in the actions of me improving it was healthy and nothing was bad i came out of a bad place where i was suicidal and not wanting to live. The drama is over and although it is there it will never come back its the way she is acting is confusing me 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, kye said:

in the actions of me improving it was healthy and nothing was bad i came out of a bad place where i was suicidal and not wanting to live. The drama is over and although it is there it will never come back its the way she is acting is confusing me 

I'm sorry you were struggling.  I'd avoid seeing this as confusing.  She doesn't want to be with you.  She might still care for  you as she said and she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.  Her throwaway comment about fate is sweet but irrelevant.  People who want to be together are together and do not need to be won over.  I'd move on.

[Cherylyn]

You're young and you have a lifetime of learning to do regarding human nature,  how to treat people with respect,  endure outcomes and harsh consequences.

You've said horrible things about her mother and family.  The problem with spewing haphazard comments to a person is you can't take it back despite your efforts to make amends,  offer apologies,  give bookmarks,  love note and chocolates. 

People never forget how you made them feel whether in the past or currently.  People never forget what you did,  what you've said or written,  how you've acted or not acted whether in the past or currently.  Usually,  people don't wish to gamble by taking risks of taking you back only to get hurt again in any capacity.  If you put them through emotional hell,  why would they want to run the risk of getting dragged through it again?  Most people fear trusting themselves and you only for history to repeat itself meaning only to feel deceived,  betrayed,  pained or hear or read more hurtful comments.  Usually people are risk adverse which is universal.

As for you,  live and learn.  In the future,  all you can do is learn from your mistakes.  Think before you speak,  write and act otherwise you could very well receive backlash or become immediately alienated and estranged.  These are all normal repercussions. 

This is not the movies nor storybooks.  This is real life.  There is no happily ever after especially if you didn't treat people honorably and their loved ones.  Never cross that line and if you do,  be prepared for negative scenarios and its brutal aftermath.  There will always be a price to pay for "mouth problems."  Trust was irrevocably broken.  ☹️ 

It doesn't necessarily have to be about a person's relative and family either.  It can be about anything and how it was said or written.  Practice being a good person. 

It's better to go your separate ways by moving on.  Don't bother her anymore.  Go permanently no contact mode.   

Even though my story is not the same as yours,  my memory is acute.  I remember very well how I was treated with all forms of disrespect,  what was said to me,  written,  how my loved ones were mistreated under the guise of "caring,"  all of it.  Sure,  I could be "the bigger person" and take them back,  pretend that all is well and resume the "friendlies" relationship but I don't want to.  Whenever a relationship went awry,  it left a bad taste in my mouth.  ☹️  Like most people,  I want to feel safe,  protected,  experience freedom from harm and live a happy butterfly  🦋 life.  I don't want stress,  angst and get tangled up with an unstable,  insecure,  odd,  weird,  strange person's life.  Been there,  done that and not worth it.  Not everyone wants to be your hero and try to save you or the relationship.  Most people are done and prefer to move on with a normal,  unfettered,  unencumbered,  peaceful life.  They prefer to associate with people who know how to treat others with respect,  grace,  kindness,  discretion and boundaries.  Any other way is a train wreck.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, kye said:

The drama is over

But the damage is already done. 

Mistreating someone leaves an emotional scar and can cause irreparable harm to a relationship (and the victim's sense of well-being) You are starting to learn from this and change, which is commendable, but you have to understand that your behaviour had consequences. It caused her to not want to be with you anymore. 

I would focus on healing, as this is not likely to work out in the end with her. She cares about you but doesn't have those feelings any longer. It's going to be healthier for you to accept that and move forward without hanging on to false hope. 

 

[Cherylyn]

Once people discover what you're capable of meaning the lengths you took to be cruel such as verbal,  written,  actions or passive actions,  it's a sting they'll  never  forget.  It's akin to physically burning or injuring yourself.  You quickly learn how to prevent reliving harm and pain at all costs.  This is how they create their 100% guarantee to never fall prey to future attacks.  It's their protection,  security and safety bubble.   I speak from experience and this is what I've heard from numerous people in my life and society. 

Someday your naivete will be no more.  Perhaps someday,  you'll comprehend this concept after it happens to YOU.  When you experience blatant disrespect,  you will realize what it feels like.  🥺

[TeeDee]

On 6/18/2024 at 12:39 PM, kye said:

 I just want some support on how to win her back over. 

You can't.   That is the most important lesson you need to learn about love & relationships:  there is no going back.  You don't get a do over. 

Young love rarely turns into forever love.  This relationship was like training wheels.  You are learning about yourself.  You are growing.  You are learning how to act as part of a couple.  Take that knowledge & in time apply it to your next relationship. 

Now I think you would benefit from no contact.  Give yourself space from her so you aren't constantly thinking about her, chasing after her & debasing yourself by trying to win her back when she's done.  

When she says she loves you but isn't in love with you that means she thinks you are a good person & she wishes you well but that spark for romance is gone.  She does not like to being a source of pain for you but she has moved on to this other boy.  Let her go.  

[Cherylyn]

One and done,  two if you're lucky.  Most people refuse to give you second chances.  It's just the way it is.  Relationships come at a dear cost once that line had been crossed and it is a heavy price to pay. 

Most people prefer to err on the side of caution.  Better safe than sorry is the typical mindset of those who've been abused badly.

I agree with @TeeDee.  You don't get to do a do over.  Consider it a harsh lesson learned for life.

[ShySoul]

On 6/18/2024 at 9:39 AM, kye said:

She told me she was going to this boy's house in her class to watch the football to see my reaction...She is messaging me/ignoring me 

Is the drama really over? If I'm reading this wrong feel free to correct me, but it sounds like she is still playing games with you. She's telling you about going to another guys house in order to see you would feel about it. She's going hot and cold, messaging you then ignoring you. Does she really know what she wants? And are you really comfortable with her actions?

You don't win someone in the first place, and you can't win them back. People either feel it or they don't. You can be the perfect gentleman, show nothing but compassion and support, truly turn yourself around... and it not work out. She may still care for you, even love you. But that love might not be the kind of love that leads to a relationship. If you love her, that means respecting her wishes and letting her choose the course she feels will make her happiest. Love is wanting the other person to be happy, even if it's not with you. 

She's also right. if it is meant to be you will find your way back eventually. It might not be today. It might not be soon. But anything can happen in the future. Don't try to force it. Let things take its natural course. Realize you've become a better person not just for her, but for you. Be proud of the changes you've made and continue to work on being the person you really want to be. Enjoy all life has to offer. Find your own happiness. When the time is right, you will find someone special, be it her or someone else.

[Cherylyn]

Some people weren't meant to be in your life.  Whenever there are personality and character differences,  all the love and care won't make a difference.  In fact,  it's a waste of your precious time and energy.  If there's an impasse,  then accept the situation for what it is and have the courage to change your life. 

Learn how to treat people with respect. 

Practice being a good judge of character.  Some people were merely meant to be acquaintances for the best rapport.  Anything more than that could risk putting yourself into the danger zone.  Get to know people better before giving your heart away.  Be cautious. 

Don't be so trusting.  Wear a more scrutinizing lens before you invest in other people and treat them how you would want to be treated.  If you sense they're not as attracted to you as you are to them,  pump the brakes and back off.  Follow people's cues.  Never set yourself up for disappointment. 

This is a very picky and choosy world we live in and it's not all on them.  You have every right to be selective as it works both ways.  One of these days,  you'll find "thee one."  In the meantime,  do some long,  hard introspection and your key takeaways will be wisdom gained. 

Relationships have gone awry.  You learn a lot about others and yourself. 

[smackie9]

it's always a knee jerk reaction to want them back...but things happen for a reason. When it's done, it's done. The only thing to feel better is to reflect, go foward...live learn grow move on.