Wandering eye during a date...

[Sindy_0311]

Hello everyone, I had an interesting discussion with a friend and would like your opinion on one detail; How would you react if you are on a date, talking to a man and at one point you notice that he is looking at another woman who is passing right behind. Men stare at women, nothing wrong with that, but if he raises his eyebrows or turns away from the conversation to watch her walk by, how would you react?

This happened to me for the first time this week during a second date. It immediatly cooled me down. I pointed this out to him, he said that he has this issue and that he knew it wasn't right. he apologized. I cut the date short. (although I really enjoyed him) My friend says I'm too strict and maybe this is the reason why I'm dating so many guys, because I always find something wrong... But this is a behavior I've never experienced with my ex-husband or any guy I've dated before. I'm interested, how would you have reacted in this case? And can you cope with a guy having wandering eye?

Thanks in advance for your insights! 

[dias]

Well, we all look. It really depends on how he did it and for how long. Was it like the popular meme? Was it a couple of seconds where he turned his head? Furtive glance is ok, a second or two, it's instinctive really (how do you think car accidents happen?), it does not mean anything. If he was like the guy in the pic and yes that's disrespectful. Everyone has different boundaries, it's up to you. 

[DarkCh0c0]

I had a date once with a guy who insisted on driving me back home. I caved and he drove me to my place. While we were in the car chatting, he suddenly zoned out while I was talking, and he stared at two women walking down the street. He tilted his whole head to check them out and then proceeded to stare at them from his visor while they walked far away from us.

That type of staring is a big fat NOPE for me. I'm your date and you're supposed to leave the best impression on me, yet you choose to check out other women.

Needless to say, there was no second date. I just cut our talk short, thanked him again for the ride and walked out of the car. I can't stand womanizers.

I think your turn off is valid if he turned away from the conversation too. It was long enough that it stood out to you, right?

[yogacat]

Glancing is one thing, blatant staring is another.

Glances are going to happen subconsciously, as most men and even some women are hard-wired to be visually oriented.  

Boils down to the deliberate choices they make to show respect for the occasion, following any unconscious impulses.

If you've been together for a long time, sure, I mean, you already have that level of trust and intimacy where either you or your partner acknowledging an attractive person passing by isn't going to cause any problems, but in a new or budding relationship, that sort of thing should be kept in check.  

But early on? Nah, just expectation that they contain their stare and focus on the present, to, you know, focus on the person they're spending time with.

I would just take it as he wasn't as interested in me or the date. That's just my opinion though.

[Sindy_0311]

15 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I think your turn off is valid if he turned away from the conversation too. It was long enough that it stood out to you, right?

Yes, he turned his head during the conversation just 1 second, I thought something happened behind my back because he raised his eyebrows while looking. And when he looked back at me he immediately realized I wasn’t one of his buddies standing in front of him and apologized. 

[Sindy_0311]

1 minute ago, yogacat said:

I would just take it as he wasn't as interested in me or the date. That's just my opinion though.

That’s funny because it was our second meet. We went to a dance class and afterwards went for a drink. And it happened one hour after we exchanged our first kiss. So I guess his interest level was still low at that point. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Yes, he turned his head during the conversation just 1 second, I thought something happened behind my back because he raised his eyebrows while looking. And when he looked back at me he immediately realized I wasn’t one of his buddies standing in front of him and apologized. 

I am with Darkchoc.  Nope.  And apology is irrelevant.  Obviously exceptions - he thought she was someone famous so he did a double take, she looked like a friend of his so he was deciding whether to go over after your conversation was paused, etc.  But I'm with Darkchoc -can only go downhill from there.  

[yogacat]

2 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

That’s funny because it was our second meet. We went to a dance class and afterwards went for a drink. And it happened one hour after we exchanged our first kiss. So I guess his interest level was still low at that point. 

Was it like a quick glance or was it leering? 

Kind of like (for comparison), did a burp slip out or was it a long self-induced belch in your face?

 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

That’s funny because it was our second meet. We went to a dance class and afterwards went for a drink. And it happened one hour after we exchanged our first kiss. So I guess his interest level was still low at that point. 

Or he has that silly immature reflex like Darkchoc mentioned -so even if he was with the woman of his dreams he gives into his impulse to check out other women blatantly.  We all "notice" our surrounding -I do -cute dogs and cats, cute guys, cute babies - but the difference is if  you're going to do more than a momentary scan it better be because you want to share what you saw with who you are with - "Oh I'm sorry to interrupt -look at that dog walking his owner/look at how gorgeous the sun looks - oh that's that dress I was telling you about" - Honestly I get annoyed if that happens too much but at least the interruption is -human -and the person wants to  share what he saw with you. (Like when I know my husband is half listening to me, half to whole watching the ball game)

[Sindy_0311]

4 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Was it like a quick glance or was it leering? 

Kind of like (for comparison), did a burp slip out or was it a long self-induced belch in your face?

 

Like I said, it was very quick, kind of like a quick burp… 1 or 2 sc max. Until he realized it was inappropriate and immediately apologized. The issue is, when we talked about what happened he said that its a reflex he is trying to get rid of… meaning that it occurs regularly and maybe already was an issue with other ladies… just another Italian guy after all 😆

[Sindy_0311]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Or he has that silly immature reflex like Darkchoc mentioned -so even if he was with the woman of his dreams he gives into his impulse to check out other women blatantly.

I think so, a silly immature reflex. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Like I said, it was very quick, kind of like a quick burp… 1 or 2 sc max. Until he realized it was inappropriate and immediately apologized. The issue is, when we talked about what happened he said that its a reflex he is trying to get rid of… meaning that it occurs regularly and maybe already was an issue with other ladies… just another Italian guy after all 😆

No it's not because of gender or his cultural background.  I have bad habits too like picking at my nails/playing with my hair and when I went on a date or interviewed or was in public at a place to make an impression I physically restrained myself from doing those things.  If he apologized he knows he was leering not scanning/noticing. 

[yogacat]

2 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Like I said, it was very quick, kind of like a quick burp… 1 or 2 sc max. Until he realized it was inappropriate and immediately apologized. The issue is, when we talked about what happened he said that its a reflex he is trying to get rid of… meaning that it occurs regularly and maybe already was an issue with other ladies… just another Italian guy after all 😆

Yeah, that part about him saying it was a reflex and he's trying to work on it definitely raises some concerns.

It's one thing to have a wandering eye, as long as it's accompanied by self-awareness and an effort to control it and not let it affect your behavior or relationship dynamics. But if he's already acknowledging it as an issue and it has been a problem with previous partners, that would definitely give me pause.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I think so, a silly immature reflex. 

Right -do you want to put up with that level of immaturity? What if he leers at a friend of yours he's meeting for the first time as she walks into the meeting place -before he knows it is she? Wouldn't you be mortified??

[DarkCh0c0]

1 minute ago, Sindy_0311 said:

The issue is, when we talked about what happened he said that its a reflex he is trying to get rid of… meaning that it occurs regularly and maybe already was an issue with other ladies… just another Italian guy after all 😆

Well, then you need to expect the same behaviour on almost every date. 

You know the saying; old habits die hard. He does it because he likes it and he must definitely knows it gets on women's nerves.

[Sindy_0311]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Right -do you want to put up with that level of immaturity?

Absolutely not. I told him that i couldn’t deal with this kind of behavior and wanted to leave it at that and asked him to go. Not planning to see him again. I was just wondering whether I was to strict as one of my friends suggested and it made me second guess for a while. Also wanted to know whether you had similar experiences as I never experienced that before. 

 

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Wouldn't you be mortified??

Completely 

[yogacat]

Sindy I was on a fourth date with someone once and we were at a lounge and there were beautiful people everywhere.

He and I were so focused on each other (sitting next to each other, eyes locked, my hand in his) that it seemed like we were the only two people in the room...I think that's what we all want...for the person we're with to make us feel special without having to ask them to not look at other people...just be naturally so interested and enthralled with each other that they barely even notice other people!

And not because were highly physically attracted but there is a scintilla of something there that in our spirit and inner being we are more than enough...I think anyway.

Look at how Dracula is fixated on his lady...

 

[Sindy_0311]

3 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

He does it because he likes it and he must definitely knows it gets on women's nerves.

So I guess it’s not an uncontrollable reflex. It’s something he chooses to do…Me for instance I do look at other men even when I’m on a date, but it’s not insistant, interrupting the conversation or accompanied with eyebrow raises… which is in reality what shocked me…

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

So I guess it’s not an uncontrollable reflex. It’s something he chooses to do…Me for instance I do look at other men even when I’m on a date, but it’s not insistant, interrupting the conversation or accompanied with eyebrow raises… which is in reality what shocked me…

I would also stop that habit because all you need it letting it inadvertently last a bit too long and being noticed.  I'm personally into maintaining eye contact with the person I am with, not rehearsing what I'm going to say next- no need to lock eyes all the time or be intense but I am with that person. Whether my husband or friend or family member. Yes. I stared at Bon Jovi in an elevator my then boyfriend and I were riding.  There are exceptions!!!

 

[Sindy_0311]

2 minutes ago, yogacat said:

He and I were so focused on each other (sitting next to each other, eyes locked, my hand in his) that it seemed like we were the only two people in the room..

Exactly… this is the kind of dates we all like and enjoy. But let’s be real… sometimes it’s not that magical. And the first dates can be more of knowing each other than really dive into each other… I was attracted to him but I wasn’t that sure of my level of interest yet. And maybe by cutting guys short so fast I take the risk to exit a good guy… (I’m 40, I might never find my mister perfect at this stage if I disqualify them so fast, that’s my friends opinion…) 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Exactly… this is the kind of dates we all like and enjoy. But let’s be real… sometimes it’s not that magical. And the first dates can be more of knowing each other than really dive into each other… I was attracted to him but I wasn’t that sure of my level of interest yet. And maybe by cutting guys short so fast I take the risk to exit a good guy… (I’m 40, I might never find my mister perfect at this stage if I disqualify them so fast, that’s my friends opinion…) 

You won't find your person unless you disqualify efficiently unless you're ok with settling.  I wasn;t.  My husband and I started officially being back together a week after I turned 39.  He was 38. Married 15 years yesterday he  said my text almost made him laugh out loud at his conference he is attending (something about how I couldn't believe that a small cut on my finger from a vegetable peeler made our entrance way look like a crime scene Colombo would have a field day with -yes we're old).  OK so he was probably checking out the ladies while he texted (joking!) but obviously he's still into me at least my morbid humor. 

I didn't settle. And I also wanted a baby so badly!!!  I almost did even 6 months or so before he and I got back in touch -so so close to doing that.  That guy is happily married to his person -same year my husband and I married -it all worked out. Please don't settle for creepy/tacky behavior.

[DarkCh0c0]

16 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

(I’m 40, I might never find my mister perfect at this stage if I disqualify them so fast, that’s my friends opinion…) 

How old is he?

Your disqualifier is valid and your reaction too. He's a time waster. We should expect the same kind of decency we give to other people. You give him your full attention, and the minimum is to give it back the same way.

Heck, I've been on dates where we both knew we weren't a match, but we remained courteous and enjoyed a lovely chat. No wandering at all.

[Sindy_0311]

2 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

How old is he?

He is 48 😅

[mylolita]

23 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Exactly… this is the kind of dates we all like and enjoy. But let’s be real… sometimes it’s not that magical. And the first dates can be more of knowing each other than really dive into each other… I was attracted to him but I wasn’t that sure of my level of interest yet. And maybe by cutting guys short so fast I take the risk to exit a good guy… (I’m 40, I might never find my mister perfect at this stage if I disqualify them so fast, that’s my friends opinion…) 

You need to sift them faster than ever Sindy! 
 

I feel it’s the opposite advice! When you’re young and a teenager, you have the luxury of time to waste a little. As we get older? Not so much! 
 

Trust your gut! What do you really think about him and how did he make you feel? You only ever really need one date to make up your mind if they are someone worth getting serious about - in my opinion! 

x

[DarkCh0c0]

4 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

He is 48 😅

Oh honey, 48 and he behaves like he's 23?

🗑️ thank you, next!

You are worthy of a mature and decent man. That's the bare minimum here. You're worth it!