my girlfriend hates my therapist

[Tinydance]

OP, how old are you and your girlfriend? How long have you been together? Personally I'm getting a bad feeling about your relationship and I agree with the others who said it might not last. 

Your girlfriend doesn’t sound emotionally mature or like she understands what therapy actually is. You said she basically forces you to tell about what you talked about in therapy like you have no other option. In my opinion that's a huge red flag. You don't have any obligations to tell her what you talked about.

You’re right that therapy is private and it's supposed to be confidential. That's why therapists don’t tell anyone at all about what you said. Unless it's a legal matter requested by court or you're at risk of hurting yourself or others. You’re supposed to feel like therapy is a private space just to talk about whatever you want. By forcing you to tell her everything you say in therapy, your girlfriend is taking that safe space away from you.

She sounds very paranoid that you're talking to your therapist about her. Firstly, it's actually normal to talk to your therapist about your partner. Even if it’s something negative, you're working things out and discussing them. If your girlfriend thought your relationship is solid then she wouldn't worry about what you tell the therapist and wouldn't care what the therapist thinks.

My ex-fiance always went to a therapist and I actually never even thought to ask him how it went. To be honest it literally didn't even enter my mind if he talked about me or not. I actually wouldn't even care if my partner talked about me in therapy. It seems to me people who are insecure or abusive in some way are scared the therapist would find out they're abusive. 

Secondly, even if you have become more withdrawn after therapy, that's YOU doing that. Your girlfriend can't blame the therapist and call her names. Your therapist isn't controlling you. Any behaviours you display are YOUR behaviours. The therapist isn't the enemy here.

 

[AliasMcnutFace]

5 hours ago, JoyfulCompany said:

Changes in what way, was she specific? Being tired or in a reflective mode for some time after a session is normal.

When you are at her place, do you happen to have separate activities or are you expected to do everything together? If you're glued together, that may need to change, yes. It needs to change eventually when you live together full-time, anyway.

So, either explain you love her but you need some downtime, maybe offer some extra activity later for "compensation". Or, as Wiseman2 suggested - go to your own home. But if you're planning to get married, the latter approach isn't sustainable in the long run.

However, I'm afraid she has some other problem/insecurity, it's not about you being tired and she's not up for compromises.

she thinks that I was being more cynical and less affectionate. I can't say that she was wrong. I do think that she was exaggerating a little bit though.
I actually enjoyed her company after my therapy sessions. it was the comfort that I needed. it was her actions that were the problem. even in our everyday life, I enjoy her company. I rarely get annoyed or agitated from us "spending too much time together "  it's actually the opposite. the time that we spend outside of the house (work, hobbies, school, etc) is usually all the time we need apart.

[AliasMcnutFace]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Exactly. 

It's awfully rich that she is trying to control your decisions here and in the same breath tells you to think for yourself. 

I can't believe you put up with this garbage.

she isn't like this all the time

[AliasMcnutFace]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

OP, how old are you and your girlfriend? How long have you been together? Personally I'm getting a bad feeling about your relationship and I agree with the others who said it might not last. 

Your girlfriend doesn’t sound emotionally mature or like she understands what therapy actually is. You said she basically forces you to tell about what you talked about in therapy like you have no other option. In my opinion that's a huge red flag. You don't have any obligations to tell her what you talked about.

You’re right that therapy is private and it's supposed to be confidential. That's why therapists don’t tell anyone at all about what you said. Unless it's a legal matter requested by court or you're at risk of hurting yourself or others. You’re supposed to feel like therapy is a private space just to talk about whatever you want. By forcing you to tell her everything you say in therapy, your girlfriend is taking that safe space away from you.

She sounds very paranoid that you're talking to your therapist about her. Firstly, it's actually normal to talk to your therapist about your partner. Even if it’s something negative, you're working things out and discussing them. If your girlfriend thought your relationship is solid then she wouldn't worry about what you tell the therapist and wouldn't care what the therapist thinks.

My ex-fiance always went to a therapist and I actually never even thought to ask him how it went. To be honest it literally didn't even enter my mind if he talked about me or not. I actually wouldn't even care if my partner talked about me in therapy. It seems to me people who are insecure or abusive in some way are scared the therapist would find out they're abusive. 

Secondly, even if you have become more withdrawn after therapy, that's YOU doing that. Your girlfriend can't blame the therapist and call her names. Your therapist isn't controlling you. Any behaviours you display are YOUR behaviours. The therapist isn't the enemy here.

 

I can tell you that how old she is definitely not something that she wanted my therapist to know hahaha. some people get so captious when they find out that one person in a relationship is older by a few years. it seems like you're more interested in her age due to thinking that she's immature though, so ill leave you with that. she's 24. we've been together for 4 years.
well... sometimes your intuition isn't right.
she's been my safe space and shoulder to cry on for years. there were no limits to what we talked about with each other before. so I think that it's also weird and painful for her to feel like im putting a wall between us.
okay... I will say that some of the reasons that she doesn't like my therapist are understandable. she also knows that I haven't had the best experiences with therapy when I was (younger) due to my therapists, so to me it seems like she's being a little overprotective of me also

[Batya33]

17 minutes ago, AliasMcnutFace said:

she isn't like this all the time

All the time is not the standard - it depends what the issue is and how much of the time it is an issue - there's no set in stone "well if my partner isn't nagging me not to get therapy or getting all judgey/controlling about my therapy ALL the time I'll put up with it."  I'd judge it by - is this issue outweighing the fun and good times especially since I go to therapy regularly so it's like waiting for the other shoe to drop?

I think Boltnrun's analogies to other health-affirming/health-improving activities --and the partner's reactions/support or lack thereof-  were right on point.

 

[mylolita]

2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Pole dancing and seeing a therapist are extremely different things! Of course there are things you need to change or give up if you're in a relationship. Like, you shouldn't cheat, go on dating apps, and so on. But you're allowed to have friends, hobbies, see a therapist. And you don't have to quit a job if your boss or colleagues are opposite gender.

We are talking about normal versus unacceptable things in a relationship. Most people don't find their partner seeing a therapist abnormal or inappropriate. Getting therapy is very common.

I think if your partner feels secure in themselves and in your relationship, they won't see everyone as a threat to the relationship. E.g. If my partner gets served by a female shop assistant, I don’t care. If someone is insecure, or jealous, they might be like: "You were flirting with the shop assistant" when in fact that wasn't true. Someone jealous and insecure projects their own feelings. They see others as a threat by default.

I think we are speculating about why she feels threatened - it may be more deep rooted or more malicious, who could know? 
 

Personally, I don’t think this instantly makes her the bad guy. They need to talk this through as a couple. If she can’t get around the therapy concept or changing therapists because of the gender, then the OP will have to decide what to do moving forward. 
 

I’m British - we don’t do therapy really. Stiff upper lip and all that. It’s not a cultural norm here. 
 

I see therapy as vital for things like childhood trauma, abusive situations or crisis like mental health disorders. I can understand the concept of, if you are having problems in your relationship, going to seek outside help; be it professional or not, could quicken the end, or even cause the end of a relationship, whether anyone is mentioning breaking things off or not. 
 

I think he is justified in his feelings, but so is she. I hope they can resolve it between themselves, and come to some arrangement where the OP can receive therapy if that’s what he needs but in a way that accommodates his girlfriends feelings - if it’s a relationship worth saving! 
 

Therapy isn’t always the answer to mental health issues and it isn’t the only option. You have to bear in mind that seeing a psychologist can often entail being prescribed medications - this can lead people down other paths they may not have originally gone down. Medications often have side effects and can affect couples sex lives and other aspects of their life. I think she had a smidge of a legit concern, but she’s going about it the wrong way. 
 

x

[mylolita]

33 minutes ago, AliasMcnutFace said:

I can tell you that how old she is definitely not something that she wanted my therapist to know hahaha. some people get so captious when they find out that one person in a relationship is older by a few years. it seems like you're more interested in her age due to thinking that she's immature though, so ill leave you with that. she's 24. we've been together for 4 years.
well... sometimes your intuition isn't right.
she's been my safe space and shoulder to cry on for years. there were no limits to what we talked about with each other before. so I think that it's also weird and painful for her to feel like im putting a wall between us.
okay... I will say that some of the reasons that she doesn't like my therapist are understandable. she also knows that I haven't had the best experiences with therapy when I was (younger) due to my therapists, so to me it seems like she's being a little overprotective of me also

I feel Alias this is understandable.

 

I can actually see both sides and don’t automatically think your girlfriend is “the bad guy!”

 

I’m also tainting this with personal experience as well! I had an old friend I’d grown up with and come up through school with. She struggled with an eating disorder as did I at certain points. We both never discussed anything to do with diets which, is the strange part, but because she was only 15 her Dad had her put in therapy and she was instantly heavily medicated. She walked around like a zombie for 2 years. She gained weight but lost her essence. She used to fall asleep in class.

 

I think it’s important if therapy is the route you’re going down to do your research and find a doctor you really click with. Try and maybe ask your girlfriend what would put her at ease? Would she maybe like to search for local therapists near you together? Maybe alongside your own therapy you could attend a group with her or regular date nights? So you can talk and set that time aside for each other along with your private development.

 

x

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, AliasMcnutFace said:

she isn't like this all the time

What is your point?

It's okay because it doesn't happen 24 hours a day? 

[JoyfulCompany]

I don't know, OP, to me something doesn't add up. You paint her as this person who was your safe space, who you could share anything with, sensitive, loving... that only snaps at the topic of you going to therapy? That likes brutal honesty but can't pinpoint exactly what's her problem with this topic (only changing excuses and making up issues). Strange anomaly.

I'm not talking who's good and who's bad here but I'm trying to point out behaviour/dynamic that to me would be quite concerning and I think needs to be addressed. And to make another point that your mental health is important and taking care of it shouldn't be the subject of this sudden burst of jealousy.
Makes no sense that this comes from a place of overprotection. I assume you've told her, not only us, that this time around therapy is actually helpful to you, unlike as a child before.

Wether or not you'll look for another therapist is up to you. But you know well that it isn't so easy to find someone you actually click with. Looking for a therapist for solo sessions shouldn't be in the form of "shopping together". Probably that's why it didn't work out before, because as a kid someone else used to pick the specialist for you or forced the process to you. If you were looking for couples therapy - sure, both partners should be comfortable with the therapist.

In your situation I would try to talk, talk, talk calmly every time it seems she has a problem. With specific examples, I would not let "you're being cynical"-s, "your old self wouldn't"-s and so on slip unaddressed. I would ask exactly what in my speech or which action makes me being perceived as A/B/C. I would try to understand where she's coming from and to explain where I'm coming from. I would often reassure her about my feelings and intentions. I would NOT share what was said in my sessions anymore, I would NOT change the therapist. I will invite her to be fully transparent what it is that feels threatening to her and to look together for other ways to improve/soothe it. But not at the expense of your health and well-being.

And I suggest these, only because you don't seem to have a problem with the power dynamic and claim she's an amazing partner otherwise... Good luck.

[Tinydance]

8 hours ago, mylolita said:

I feel Alias this is understandable.

 

I can actually see both sides and don’t automatically think your girlfriend is “the bad guy!”

 

I’m also tainting this with personal experience as well! I had an old friend I’d grown up with and come up through school with. She struggled with an eating disorder as did I at certain points. We both never discussed anything to do with diets which, is the strange part, but because she was only 15 her Dad had her put in therapy and she was instantly heavily medicated. She walked around like a zombie for 2 years. She gained weight but lost her essence. She used to fall asleep in class.

 

I think it’s important if therapy is the route you’re going down to do your research and find a doctor you really click with. Try and maybe ask your girlfriend what would put her at ease? Would she maybe like to search for local therapists near you together? Maybe alongside your own therapy you could attend a group with her or regular date nights? So you can talk and set that time aside for each other along with your private development.

 

x

I just get the sense that you don't like therapists either/don't think much of them. It's very common here in Australia to see a therapist or at least to be a client of some kind of social welfare service for mental health, addiction issues, and so on. The Australian government is quite generous with giving funding towards social welfare. You can actually get a mental health care plan from your doctor to see a psychologist ten times a year which is heavily subsidised by the government. There are some very good therapists our there like my last therapist who actually genuinely cared and was very kind.

In any case, the OP himself wants to see a therapist and finds it useful. In my opinion that's his choice to do what he feels is helpful to him. If his girlfriend really wants to support him then she needs to stand by what he wants to do to improve himself. I understand if she's worried he's becoming more low or stand offish after therapy sessions. But it makes no sense to blame the therapist for this and call her swear words. I'm sure the therapist isn't telling him to behave like this towards his partner. It's just not mature to put blame on the therapist when she needs to address this with him, her partner.

[Tinydance]

9 hours ago, AliasMcnutFace said:

I can tell you that how old she is definitely not something that she wanted my therapist to know hahaha. some people get so captious when they find out that one person in a relationship is older by a few years. it seems like you're more interested in her age due to thinking that she's immature though, so ill leave you with that. she's 24. we've been together for 4 years.
well... sometimes your intuition isn't right.
she's been my safe space and shoulder to cry on for years. there were no limits to what we talked about with each other before. so I think that it's also weird and painful for her to feel like im putting a wall between us.
okay... I will say that some of the reasons that she doesn't like my therapist are understandable. she also knows that I haven't had the best experiences with therapy when I was (younger) due to my therapists, so to me it seems like she's being a little overprotective of me also

What has your therapist done that warrants her not being liked? Could you provide what she has said and done specifically?

[AliasMcnutFace]

17 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

What is your point?

It's okay because it doesn't happen 24 hours a day? 

that it's not the craziest thing ever that I don't see her behavior as abnormal or ***ty. she's human. im not saying that all of this is okay. but I don't think that it's fair to see it as a red flag or like she's a bad girlfriend when she's an amazing girlfriend 99% of the time.

I don't expect for everything to be peachy all the time.

[AliasMcnutFace]

13 hours ago, Tinydance said:

What has your therapist done that warrants her not being liked? Could you provide what she has said and done specifically?

I liked my therapist. im not saying that she doesn't deserve to be liked because she did these things.

for one, she kept comparing me to her son. I did tell my girlfriend that it creeped me and made me kind of uncomfortable. that was in the very beginning though. as time went on it became kind of cute and endearing.  (she talked about her personal life a lot)

I also told my girlfriend that she would sigh before talking to me after I said something. it bothered me at the time because it made me feel like she was annoyed and disinterested in what I was saying. 

there were also a few times where she was late that I complained about.

then there's the way that she would look at me...it made me extremely uncomfortable and nervous. in the beginning it felt like something that she was doing on purpose. but I think that the reason I was uncomfortable with it to that extent that I was because I feel more judged when people look at me. 

 

 

[Batya33]

Have you ever said to your therapist how you feel about how she looks at you and/or why she is mentioning her son in this way?

[AliasMcnutFace]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Have you ever said to your therapist how you feel about how she looks at you and/or why she is mentioning her son in this way?

I did ask her the first few times if there was something on my face..but she didn't get the hint. then I make a joke about her "really loving eye contact" too. she stared at me less through that session after I said that, but in the following ones, she still kept looking at me the same way. I thought that it would be rude to straight up ask her to stop staring at me.

I never asked her why she kept talking about her son. I don't think that there was a reason. I can't think of a reason to why she would that often. she apparently just really loved her son..

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, AliasMcnutFace said:

I did ask her the first few times if there was something on my face..but she didn't get the hint. then I make a joke about her "really loving eye contact" too. she stared at me less through that session after I said that, but in the following ones, she still kept looking at me the same way. I thought that it would be rude to straight up ask her to stop staring at me.

I never asked her why she kept talking about her son. I don't think that there was a reason. I can't think of a reason to why she would that often. she apparently just really loved her son..

She is your therapist so if you cannot be transparent with her consider she might not be the right therapist -there is no need to joke or beat around the bush -with a therapist.

[rainbowsandroses]

49 minutes ago, AliasMcnutFace said:

I liked my therapist. im not saying that she doesn't deserve to be liked because she did these things.

for one, she kept comparing me to her son. I did tell my girlfriend that it creeped me and made me kind of uncomfortable. that was in the very beginning though. as time went on it became kind of cute and endearing.  (she talked about her personal life a lot)

I also told my girlfriend that she would sigh before talking to me after I said something. it bothered me at the time because it made me feel like she was annoyed and disinterested in what I was saying. 

there were also a few times where she was late that I complained about.

then there's the way that she would look at me...it made me extremely uncomfortable and nervous. in the beginning it felt like something that she was doing on purpose. but I think that the reason I was uncomfortable with it to that extent that I was because I feel more judged when people look at me. 

It would have been helpful if you had shared this^ with us in your very first post.  It may and probably would have changed some of the responses.

I still believe your girlfriend's approach was a bit heavy handed however I do understand why she would be bothered by this.

If me in your shoes, I would change therapists, she does sound quite unprofessional.  Comparing you to her son and sharing personal details about her own life.

That is not acceptable behavior from a therapist imo.

 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It would have been helpful if you have shared this^ with us in your very first post.  It may and probably would have changed some of the responses.

 

I was thinking the same.  And, OP I don't think someone's love for their son justifies talking about him in that way in a professional context.  I love my son to the moon and back and when I am working and interacting with colleagues I don't bring up how awesome he is or some awesome thing he said or reference how my colleague resembles him etc - I mean sure as a one off once in a blue moon in context but that's my personal life -saying personal things about my son (as opposed to - I'm taking my son to the doctor tomorrow so I'll be late or sharing what he chose to be for Halloween if that is the conversation etc).  Many many parents are over the moon about their kids and also are quite adept at restraining the gushing in professional contexts.

[AliasMcnutFace]

33 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It would have been helpful if you had shared this^ with us in your very first post.  It may and probably would have changed some of the responses.

I still believe your girlfriend's approach was a bit heavy handed however I do understand why she would be bothered by this.

If me in your shoes, I would change therapists, she does sound quite unprofessional.  Comparing you to her son and sharing personal details about her own life.

That is not acceptable behavior from a therapist imo.

 

hmm. I thought that I said that some of the reasons to why she doesn't like my therapist were understandable in a previous comment.

for me it was never a reason to change therapists. some people might see it as unprofessional but it made her feel more human and helped me to understand that she has a life outside of our sessions. we still had the typical therapist - client relationship. ( when we're talking about how much she talked about her personal life)

the other things..like her staring at me and sighing before she said something, I didn't particularly enjoy. I did try to stop assuming why she did it though after realizing that she wasn't "judging" me or thinking about how much she doesn't like me.

 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, AliasMcnutFace said:

hmm. I thought that I said that some of the reasons to why she doesn't like my therapist were understandable in a previous comment.

for me it was never a reason to change therapists. some people might see it as unprofessional but it made her feel more human and helped me to understand that she has a life outside of our sessions. we still had the typical therapist - client relationship. ( when we're talking about how much she talked about her personal life)

the other things..like her staring at me and sighing before she said something, I didn't particularly enjoy. I did try to stop assuming why she did it though after realizing that she wasn't "judging" me or thinking about how much she doesn't like me.

 

Why do you care to this extent about the life she has outside of her sessions with you? You're paying her $$ to focus on you -you are the patient/client.  I will say if my husband mentioned that his female doctor/dental hygienist/optometrist shared ultra personal details of her life with him beyond the "yes sorry you couldn't get an appointment in March -we were at Disneyworld and boy was it hot!" I would wonder whether she had a crush on him and whether boundaries were being crossed. I wouldn't make demands -but I might feel uncomfortable especially if he had to see the person frequently.  Same with the people we work with - boundaries are important and often someone's partner will notice if a coworker is calling a lot after hours, calling to have ultra personal conversations, etc.  

You seem very intense about staying in this relationship, justifying her behavior, justifying your choices. I wish you luck and you seem to know and accept the downsides of being with her.  I never thought you expected all to be perfect- none of us do - I was focused on how she treats you and this particular issue.

[AliasMcnutFace]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why do you care to this extent about the life she has outside of her sessions with you? You're paying her $$ to focus on you -you are the patient/client.  I will say if my husband mentioned that his female doctor/dental hygienist/optometrist shared ultra personal details of her life with him beyond the "yes sorry you couldn't get an appointment in March -we were at Disneyworld and boy was it hot!" I would wonder whether she had a crush on him and whether boundaries were being crossed. I wouldn't make demands -but I might feel uncomfortable especially if he had to see the person frequently.  Same with the people we work with - boundaries are important and often someone's partner will notice if a coworker is calling a lot after hours, calling to have ultra personal conversations, etc.  

You seem very intense about staying in this relationship, justifying her behavior, justifying your choices. I wish you luck and you seem to know and accept the downsides of being with her.  I never thought you expected all to be perfect- none of us do - I was focused on how she treats you and this particular issue.

because I overexaggerate myself in people's lives. I over think every little thing. knowing a little bit about her really changed what and how much I thought that she thinks about me

thank you.

[boltnrun]

Sounds like you want your therapist to like you. No, not in "that way" but as a person. Which I kind of get, but it's also irrelevant.

I really like the therapist I worked with most recently because we accomplished a lot in our sessions. But my previous therapist was good and I found it important that we share the same political views, but she wasn't nearly as effective as the most recent one. 

[Batya33]

34 minutes ago, AliasMcnutFace said:

because I overexaggerate myself in people's lives. I over think every little thing. knowing a little bit about her really changed what and how much I thought that she thinks about me

thank you.

Ok good. Again you sound like you are very focused on staying in your relationship so it makes little sense for anyone here to suggest another alternative. 

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, AliasMcnutFace said:

but I don't think that it's fair to see it as a red flag or like she's a bad girlfriend when she's an amazing girlfriend 99% of the time.

 So, go and live your relationship. You don't need to convince us that she is great. If you believe that to be true, have at it. 

Good luck. 

 

[AliasMcnutFace]

13 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

 So, go and live your relationship. You don't need to convince us that she is great. If you believe that to be true, have at it. 

Good luck. 

 

thank you, I will.

you ask, I do.