Please I need help

[lonelymoon]

Hi,

I’m posting this message because I need help. I’m very desperate and I don’t know what to do or where to start to get out of it.

I’m a 35 year old woman, single, jobless and I currently live with my mother because I can’t afford a rent.

The situation I find myself in seems inextricable. 

I’ve been suffering from depression and social anxiety for decades, and I feel like I’m in a constant state of mental flight, always in-between or out of place.

I have memory problems and my mind is completely disorganised. I can’t find a job in this state and I now find myself completely incompetent (despite having a very good CV).

My communications skills are also very poor, although I don’t have such difficulties with the written word. If I don’t write down sentences, it’s hard for me to speak clearly and in an articulate way (even one sentence). This mainly because I was often left alone as a child, with no one to talk to, and also later in life. 

So I don’t have close friends, only superficial relationships. I can’t maintain a conversation… and often have nothing to say.

Living with my mother is becoming increasingly difficult. I get angry with her because she doesn't realise what I'm going through. It's an anger I feel deep down against myself. Her health is not good and she’s also a bit depressive even if she doesn’t show it.

Could you please help me?

I often think about disappearing because this is not a life.

I feel hollow, shapeless, empty, like a house full of holes with no foundations.

Thank you.

[Batya33]

I would seek out mental health services where you live and call a suicide hotline too..  Depending on income typically there are free or low cost mental health services available.  I'm sorry  you are feeling so awful but please do call a hotline now. 

[lonelymoon]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would seek out mental health services where you live and call a suicide hotline too..  Depending on income typically there are free or low cost mental health services available.  I'm sorry  you are feeling so awful but please do call a hotline now. 

Thank you for answering.

I was treated by a therapist for several years but nothing came out of it. She didn't seem to understand what I was going through. Once I came to a session in tears: I couldn't stand anymore having to write cards to try and keep up some semblance of a conversation. And she didn't react. She didn't seem to understand how much I was suffering from not being able to relate to other people, and not being able to retain anything.
Today, I can no longer afford therapy, it's far too expensive in my country.
And the waiting times for treatment in public facilities are extremely long.
I'm not thinking of suicide, but I feel I've reached a point of no return. I feel desperate: nothing seems possible.

[Batya33]

Just now, lonelymoon said:

Thank you for answering.

I was treated by a therapist for several years but nothing came out of it. She didn't seem to understand what I was going through. Once I came to a session in tears: I couldn't stand anymore having to write cards to try and keep up some semblance of a conversation. And she didn't react. She didn't seem to understand how much I was suffering from not being able to relate to other people, and not being able to retain anything.
Today, I can no longer afford therapy, it's far too expensive in my country.
And the waiting times for treatment in public facilities are extremely long.
I'm not thinking of suicide, but I feel I've reached a point of no return. I feel desperate: nothing seems possible.

I'm glad you're not thinking of suicide.  Sometimes it's hard to find the right therapist and I'm sorry yours didn't help you.  I would also reach out to services for people with disabilities since you seem to have a speech related disability.  All the best to you.

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, lonelymoon said:

Living with my mother is becoming increasingly difficult. I get angry with her because she doesn't realise what I'm going through. It's an anger I feel deep down against myself. Her health is not good and she’s also a bit depressive even if she doesn’t show it.

Please see if there is affordable or free mental health hotlines. Someone will talk to you and help you find affordable care. Mental illness can run in families.

[ShySoul]

I too often think about fading away and disappearing, wondering if it would really change or impact anything or anyone around me. I would never commit suicide though. But I knew how overwhelming the emptiness can be. And I've spoken to a fair number of people who struggle with similar thoughts. So if it's any comfort, know that you aren't alone.

Therapy is not always the go to solution that it's often made out to be. There are plenty of bad therapists who can actually make the situation worse. I'm sorry you had to encounter one like that. Know that was on her, it wasn't you. Therapy can be good for some people, but it takes the right therapist matched with the right patient at the right time and saying the right things to someone who is ready to listen. In this regard, do what is right for you. If you think you need, pursue it. Look for ways that might be more affordable. But also know that in the end the strength to get through this will not come from external sources, it's within you. You've been the strong one enduring things this whole time. You're stronger then you probably realize. And that strength can and will make things better. It's just a matter of taking things day by day and focusing on one thing at a time.

If you are having issues with your mother (something I completely understand), best course is to just avoid her. Focus on getting out. Even if that means spending hours in a park or library (two low pressure places for socializing), do it. Is there an activity you enjoy? Something that gets you out? It can be solo so to not cause you anxiety. The point is to get your mind off of what bothers you and onto something that makes you feel good.

What kind of work are you looking for? There are plenty of jobs that are geared towards written communication. Probably 80-90% of my day is either working by myself or communicating by email. 

I've also struggled with conersations, feeling like I have nothing to contribute. It's usually because I don't share much in common with those I'm around. I'd advise not thinking about it. Doing so just causes more anxiety and you'll freeze up more in a self perpetuating cycle. Instead focus on you. Is there something you are passionate about? Books, animals, plays.... anything? Dig into that. Then find someplace that you can explore that topic. I find that when it's a topic I'm passionate about and I'm with someone else passionate about the same thing, it at least helps warm the ice and makes conversation a little easier as there is a built in topic we are already excited by.

Hang in there. Every house starts shapeless and the foundation has to be laid piece by piece. You can do it. One day I'll bet you don't just see a house, you'll have built yourself a mansion.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you, and welcome to ENA. One reason for contacting some of the suicide hotlines on the Internet would be to learn whether they may refer you to helpful resources not generally known to the public. Another reason is because they are specifically trained to help comfort people who are feeling hopeless.

Another avenue might be to contact the humans services department of your local hospital to learn whether any social services may be available to you that you don't know about.

I hope you won't allow one bad therapist to harm your willingness to work with someone who may be more suitable, especially given the speech issue, which may be addressed by a specialist. One avenue to consider pursuing would be a university that offers a PhD. or PsyD program where you could obtain low or no cost services from a doctoral candidate that would be supervised by a resident level professional.

You have the Internet at your fingertips through which you can explore support that is far more tailored to your needs than we are qualified to offer. However, you are always welcome here, and please feel free to write more if it helps. You also write beautifully, and you may want to consider answering some of the questions asked by other users here.

[ShySoul]

I agree, you write beautifully. Have you considered channeling your emotions into something creative? A journal, poetry, stories... I think you'd be good at it. It's also a good way to work through the things on your mind. It's often easier to express yourself in writing through characters that aren't you but can speak with the voice you might not be comfortable using out loud.

[TeeDee]

Finding a good therapist can take time. You have to find the one that works for you. 

Are there any career centers near you?  In my state the department of unemployment runs programs to help people find jobs & the local community college often offers free skills programs.   

Best wishes.  

[Bigchief]

I am no expert, I have my own issues. 

Please look after yourself. Read history and astrophysics.

Maybe talk to a doctor and get short term medication.

Be kind to yourself and your mother.

You will be OK.