The Lost Confession (OJ Simpson)

[rainbowsandroses]

Hey guys, I realize this is old news but this is a new documentary and interview with OJ Simpson (2006 but never aired till recently) whereby he described (as a hypothetical to protect his kids) the details of the murders, how he did it, how he "must have dropped the glove at the scene" even though he's blocked that part out.  

He essentially confessed to both murders in shocking graphic detail.

Has anyone seen it?  I literally vomited at one point but felt it was important for me to watch. 

He also went into great detail as to why he verbally and physically abused/assaulted Nicole and what led up to it even after their divorce.

He owned some of it but blamed HER mostly for enraging him and causing him to become so angry. 

He is still angry at her even after all these years!  One witness at her grave described how he was literally screaming at her while at her graveside.

He blames her for enraging him into killing her!  He warned her many times he would, but she wasn't listening!   His words..

One thing he said I found interesting and would like your opinion on as my abusive mum said similar.  

"Everything I've ever done was because I loved you so much." 

His exact words. And my mom has said similar to me..

The psychologist interviewed said it's common for abusers to relate violence with love.

I recall when I was in third grade, my teacher asked the class how do we define love?

My answer at the time?  8-9 years old? 

"When your mom gets mad at you and hits you, she loves you because she would not get so angry if she didn't love you."

I remember this like it was yesterday!

I hope we can discuss this because on some level I still struggle with these feelings and hope you won't judge too harshly as I'm finally owning my **** and truly want to heal...

As always thank you! 

 

 

[yogacat]

Here's what I think of OJ, and when I heard the news he passed, I could give a rats. I feel sorry for his children but that's where it stops.

As for your question. Stop giving your Mom power to live in your head like that. Acknowledge she's not physically with you now and can no longer hurt you. Like someone once said to me, crappy things happen in childhood, but that ship has sailed.

 

[Seraphim]

EMDR helped me greatly to not think emotionally about abuse I suffered. 

[rainbowsandroses]

9 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

EMDR helped me greatly to not think emotionally about abuse I suffered. 

Thank you I will look into it.  So far it's just been talk therapy and that has helped me to essentially shove it down but not actually "deal" and "heal."

I still find myself associating anger with love which is so dangerous! 

Right now I'm focusing on my new business and taking the proper steps to changing my thought process and truly healing. 

I'm glad it helped you! 

This interview was truly eye-opening!  It was shocking and troubling (and sick), but I am glad I watched it. 

 

[Seraphim]

I have done all kinds of therapy but EMDR helped me the most . Essentially it reprocesses trauma and moves it into the past and not your every waking moment and takes it out of your processing . You know it happened but you don’t have an attachment to it . 

[rainbowsandroses]

I just read the thread "Is This Even Abuse" created by @Scarlet23.

Interesting how on some level she blamed herself for instigating the arguments that led to her husband verbally abusing her. 

I recall an excellent HBO series called "Big Little Lies" with Nicole Kidman.  

Her character Celeste was married to an abuser, Perry.  Their dynamic throughout the seven years they were married was quite compelling and she refused to identify herself as a "victim."

She owned she was a full participant in their abusive dynamic and also owned she often instigated the arguments that led to the abuse (she hit him back) when things were too calm. 

In one scene where she was intentionally pushing his buttons, Perry said "Do you want me to hit you"?

In therapy she admitted she did, as sick as that sounds!  

Me?  I just leave as I did with my drug addicted ex.  But I did stay for six years and tolerated crap I should not have and would never tolerate now.  From other boyfriends too as well as my ex-husband.

They all claimed throughout (and even after) how much they loved me. How I was IT for them.  But yet.....

Emotionally I still struggle with these thoughts sometimes...

[ShySoul]

Was the documentary done in conjunction with his book from about that time, "If I did it?" I never read the book because I didn't want to support or have anything to do with someone profitting off such a horrible event. And while I'm sure the film is well done, I find it too disturbing to get into the mind of a murderer. I don't want to say I felt happy at his death, but I certainly didn't shed any tears.

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

"When your mom gets mad at you and hits you, she loves you because she would not get so angry if she didn't love you."

Amazing how what you experience in childhood sticks with you. When you grow up in an abusive environment, it becomes normal to you. You naturally love your parents. They take care of you and you look up to them thinking they know what is best. So you rationalize that their acts must be out of love, because what else could it be? Actually, it's amazing how mallable people's opinions can be. Say something enough times and most people will start to think it's true, even if it doesn't make logical sense. For some it's hearing what they want to hear. For some it's a way of coping and surviving.

What can be confusing and complicated is realizing that a person's actions reflect more on them then on you. Someone who abuses is stuck on whatever happened to them to lead them to believe this is an acceptable way of showing love. It's not about the victim. But the victim, especially a young one, often can't see that. They internalize it until they feel they deserve it. And that is a difficult habit to get out of.

Rainbow, sorry you've gone through all this. My best friend had a mother that would yell and I believe hit her as well. I see how it still affects her decades later. I'm not sure if a person ever fully gets over it. But know you are not your mother. You are strong and can do anything you set yourself to doing. Keep focusing on the business and building the life you want for yourself. You're an awesome person, keep it up.

[rainbowsandroses]

11 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Was the documentary done in conjunction with his book from about that time, "If I did it?" I never read the book because I didn't want to support or have anything to do with someone profitting off such a horrible event. And while I'm sure the film is well done, I find it too disturbing to get into the mind of a murderer. I don't want to say I felt happy at his death, but I certainly didn't shed any tears.

Amazing how what you experience in childhood sticks with you. When you grow up in an abusive environment, it becomes normal to you. You naturally love your parents. They take care of you and you look up to them thinking they know what is best. So you rationalize that their acts must be out of love, because what else could it be? Actually, it's amazing how mallable people's opinions can be. Say something enough times and most people will start to think it's true, even if it doesn't make logical sense. For some it's hearing what they want to hear. For some it's a way of coping and surviving.

What can be confusing and complicated is realizing that a person's actions reflect more on them then on you. Someone who abuses is stuck on whatever happened to them to lead them to believe this is an acceptable way of showing love. It's not about the victim. But the victim, especially a young one, often can't see that. They internalize it until they feel they deserve it. And that is a difficult habit to get out of.

Rainbow, sorry you've gone through all this. My best friend had a mother that would yell and I believe hit her as well. I see how it still affects her decades later. I'm not sure if a person ever fully gets over it. But know you are not your mother. You are strong and can do anything you set yourself to doing. Keep focusing on the business and building the life you want for yourself. You're an awesome person, keep it up.

Thank you SS, this^^ was helpful and will consider your words thoughtfully. 😀

 

[boltnrun]

It's interesting how differently people react to their upbringing. I concluded the opposite...anyone who mistreats me does NOT love me and is therefore to be avoided. I can't fathom treating my kids the way I was treated. 

[rainbowsandroses]

15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

It's interesting how differently people react to their upbringing. I concluded the opposite...anyone who mistreats me does NOT love me and is therefore to be avoided. I can't fathom treating my kids the way I was treated. 

Yeah but when your parent literally tells you she treats you the way she does because she loves you and wants what's best for you, it can be confusing for a kid.  It was for me. 

It's corporal punishment and many parents believe in it, or used to.  

The Catholic religion endorses it even.  I attended Catholic school from 1st-8th grade where the nuns sometimes slapped us. 

My mom forced me to watch a documentary about a strict Catholic boarding school where the nuns would chop off a girl's hair for what they perceived as misbehavior.

My own mom once came at me with scissors, I thought she was gonna stab me but she cut off my long blonde hair. 

It was how SHE was raised, it's all she knew.

Me?  If/when I have a child I would never!  

Anyway, yeah we all have different reactions.  I was an extremely sensitive child (HSP), still am in many ways although I manage it pretty well now.

But some things I'm not able to shake all the way.

[Kwothe28]

I dont think he blames her for anything anymore, he is dead. Probably in Hell by now. Fun fact: Movie studio wanted OJ to play The Terminator. But James Cameron ultimately thought he was "too nice to be taken seriously as a killer" lol

Its common for abusers to blame the other side. We are never the villains in our own story. So in order to do justify what we are doing, the other side needs to be a villain. "Sure, I hit her, but the W deserved it, she should never think to message another man at all". And similar justifications of abuse. Its a common thing regarding abusers. Its why lots of victims think its their fault for being abused. "If I wasnt X, then Y wouldnt happen, I deserve it". Its the whole cycle of abuse and how it works.

[ShySoul]

On 4/28/2024 at 6:46 PM, rainbowsandroses said:

The Catholic religion endorses it even.  I attended Catholic school from 1st-8th grade where the nuns sometimes slapped us

I went to a Catholic school as well for K-8th and then for College. I don't recall anyone there thinking slapping was an acceptable punishment. Only one that came close was a nun that was a one time substitute and was never heard from again. If anything we were more likely to skip doing other subjects so that we could talk as a class about problems going on between various groups. Guess going to a small school in San Francisco would lead to being exposed to the more liberal side of the Catholic church.

My sister once advised me that I can either allow the negative things I experience to control me, or I can choose to live my life by the inverse of what I've seen. I try to do the latter. And I hope to pass on much more positive ways of dealing with things to those I'm around.

[Cherylyn]

OJ is currently in a very HOT place.  🔥  ☹️

I'm sorry about your upbringing.  All you can do is keep moving forward and carving out joy and happiness in your life. 

I too have a painful past.  Continue enforcing boundaries and embracing your freedom.  It is very liberating and a catharsis.

[yogacat]

I went to Catholic school too, which is funny considering my father was Muslim. I recall I came in with clear nail polish, and they shamed me and made me go home to get it off. It was a religious dress code thing, because the girls couldn’t show excessive flesh and that meant accessorizing the fingers. The nun humiliated me, called me a show off, and then basically gave a top down speech on the importance of a humble and modest girl. 

The next day, a female classmate and I were playing kickball, and she kicked me in the shin on purpose and laughed. I went home crying swearing never to go back.

The nuns seemed harsh, I know my mother when she went they would sometimes discipline them physically.

Hitting them with belts, a piece of wood, a ruler. So I can understand how this makes for a loop. “I can hit you because I love you.” How absolutely bizarre is that?

[rainbowsandroses]

10 hours ago, ShySoul said:

I went to a Catholic school as well for K-8th and then for College. I don't recall anyone there thinking slapping was an acceptable punishment.

^^Ugh.  So because you didn't experience it, that means according to you, it didn't/doesn't happen?  You didn't say that but that's the implication.  At least how I interpreted it and it's unclear why you posted it.  

Everyone has different experiences SS and every school is different and has different standards.    MY school practiced it, not as severely as below but it happened.

On 4/28/2024 at 6:46 PM, rainbowsandroses said:

My mom forced me to watch a documentary about a strict Catholic boarding school where the nuns would chop off a girl's hair for what they perceived as misbehavior.

My mom also chopped my hair off because that was what SHE was taught was an acceptable form of discipline, she attended the same type of strict Catholic boarding school. 

I do not think this type of discipline is practiced anymore as standard in Catholic schools particularly an "all girls" Catholic school at least I hope not! 

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, yogacat said:

I went to Catholic school too, which is funny considering my father was Muslim. I recall I came in with clear nail polish, and they shamed me and made me go home to get it off. It was a religious dress code thing, because the girls couldn’t show excessive flesh and that meant accessorizing the fingers. The nun humiliated me, called me a show off, and then basically gave a top down speech on the importance of a humble and modest girl. 

The next day, a female classmate and I were playing kickball, and she kicked me in the shin on purpose and laughed. I went home crying swearing never to go back.

The nuns seemed harsh, I know my mother when she went they would sometimes discipline them physically.

Hitting them with belts, a piece of wood, a ruler. So I can understand how this makes for a loop. “I can hit you because I love you.” How absolutely bizarre is that?

Thank you @yogacatfor this^ and for acknowledging that this crap does happen.

And that it CAN screw with a young impressionable girl's head.  

I have forgiven my mom.  She's gone but recently since seeing a new therapist and joining a really great progressive non-denominational Church and attending a support group there, I am beginning to let go of ALL of it, all that negativity, and even found a deep love for my mom that was probably always there but suppressed.

You will probably start hearing me speak fondly of her in my posts going forward.  I have already started to in some of my posts. 

Quoting little tidbits here and there of things she taught me that I found valuable. 

She did the best she could with the tools she was taught. 

May she RIP.  💛

[yogacat]

4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Thank you @yogacatfor this^ and for acknowledging that this crap does happen.

And that it CAN screw with a young impressionable girl's head.  

I have forgiven my mom.  She's gone but recently since seeing a new therapist and joining a really great progressive non-denominational Church and attending a support group there, I am beginning to let go of ALL of it, all that negativity, and even found a deep love for my mom that was probably always there but suppressed.

You will probably start hearing me speak fondly of her in my posts going forward.  I have already started to in some of my posts. 

Quoting little tidbits here and there of things she taught me that I found valuable. 

She did the best she could with the tools she was taught. 

May she RIP. 

Of course.

And I think that's a great way to honor her memory and rejoice in the positive things you inherited from her. And how wonderful that you have been able to find a supportive environment in your new church and support group.

Forgiveness and healing are such powerful things.

I was physically harmed as a child by a relative and - Shaken baby syndrome (among other things...) it took MANY years, but I found healing and a way to forgive. I still have a very clear and precise memory of the harm, and it's affected me in other areas (fear of highways, escalators...the list goes on) but I accept what has happened as something that is part of my life history.

It can never be undone.

It happened. 

My child self could never have done anything to stop the relative from harming me.

Emotionally difficult to wrap your mind around. So, I wish you nothing but continued healing!!  It's difficult when the parent is deceased, they can't make amends in the here and now and can't do the work to be present with the history of their actions. 

So, you'll have to really dig in and process.  

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

Emotionally difficult to wrap your mind around. So, I wish you nothing but continued healing!!  It's difficult when the parent is deceased, they can't make amends in the here and now and can't do the work to be present with the history of their actions. 

So, you'll have to really dig in and process.  

Thank you again @yogacatand what's interesting is that even though she's gone, forgiveness wasn't that difficult at least for me, not sure why.  It came naturally and was quite sudden actually.

My pastor encouraged me to turn my focus towards all the wonderful times we spent together (even though they were few and far between) like when I moved into my first apartment and my mom took me shopping for brand new bedding (new comforter, sheets, pillow shams and trinkets to decorate my shelves) and then took me to lunch at one of her favorite restaurants on the beach.  We really connected that day!

I recall the waitress asking if we were sisters!!  It was a funny moment and we had a laugh.  I was 18 and my mom was 52 at the time!  But yeah we really did look like sisters, she was so beautiful.  And that is how I choose to remember her now.

My pastor also encouraged me to still talk to her even though she's gone.  He wasn't 100% sure she could hear me however I think she does!

I am not sure if I told this story before, perhaps it was on another forum but whenever I am struggling with something, suddenly I will see a penny.  A penny will suddenly appear in the oddest of places like on my bathroom counter for example, it's weird!!

Right before my mom died, she told me that whenever I see a penny, that she's there with me, guiding me and giving me strength.  Not those exact words but something like.  I never paid much attention before but NOW I think it's significant.

Something else that's weird is that for years I felt quite guilty for not being a better daughter especially during her last days, and now suddenly I no longer feel that guilt!!

I recall before she passed, she was in a sort of coma (not sure if it was technically a coma but she was close to death and hospice was there), and when I was sitting on her bed and holding her hand, she suddenly became conscious (or appeared to be), she sat up from lying down, looked straight ahead (not at me even though she must have known I was there), squeezed my hand and told me that I am a beautiful caring person, to not let anyone cause me to think otherwise and that she loved me.

After which  she layed back down again and died later that day.

Sorry!!!  I think this is getting too heavy now but it feels good to talk about!  The power of forgiveness.  And how healing it is!!

My god is feels so awesome I cannot even express in words how much.

I feel like my entire life is about to change for the better because of it, I dunno just a feeling I have.   

Anyway, thank you again for your support!!!  

 

 

[yogacat]

11 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I am not sure if I told this story before, perhaps it was on another forum but whenever I am struggling with something, suddenly I will see a penny.  A penny will suddenly appear in the oddest of places like on my bathroom counter for example, it's weird!!

That happens for me with certain numbers -- I dunno when I see a certain number it kinda tells me that something is "right" and sometimes gives me a sense of something important.

It's weird, I could just be in the park or walking around and BING, I'll see a certain number and I'll know that something major is going on. It feels profound. Not sure if it's just a trick of the mind or what.

Your pastor's advice is very wise - focusing on the good memories and talking to your mother, even though she is gone, can bring you peace and comfort.