Mother leaving the country?

[Sarah Smith]

So Im a young adult, only 21, most my friends still live at home. But I lived in a different city to study and I’ll soon be done with my degree.

I am really close with my mum, and currently don’t have a family of my own. 
 

My mother suddenly one day informed me she plans on leaving the country? She just wants to live elsewhere. She informed me I can come along, but she also made it clear that shes going no matter if Im coming or not.

Am I selfish for thinking that she’s being a bad person. I feel like this is making my abandonment issues worse.

Who is in the wrong here?

[Batya33]

What if she'd asked you not to move away? I think you're overreacting -your mother -don't know her story at all just the facts that she is now an empty nester and has the flexibility to move.  Good for her!! I'm 57, our son is 15 and for the first time ever I'm not joining them on a family vacation -to Disney! -yes I checked in with my son earlier this week about my plans after all not to go.  He was good with it -taken him there twice -and the last time I was solo with him one of the days two weeks before the world locked down in 2020.  I desperately needed me time.  I don't do rides and I wasn't going to spend $$$ to get into the parks. Plus I wasn't going to do any resort related services. 

So it ended up not making sense and my husband was fine with it. So much less packing and organizing and prepping for me too - a dream.

But certain of my mom friends were judgey - I'm not doing "family time" -how many vacations till he goes to college (we're going away next month -tagging along on a business trip) - etc.  Moms get judged like this all the time -how dare we want me time, space, able to make a "selfish" decision that doesn't involve caretaking in a situation where the child is fine as you are - you don't even live there. Please try to see this from her perspective. I wrote about me because yes my decision is shorter term but "radical" given the stereotypical silly notion of Mom having to sacrifice -what do they call it these days  - "self care" for their kids. 

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, Sarah Smith said:

. My mother suddenly one day informed me she plans on leaving the country? She just wants to live elsewhere. She informed me I can come along, but she also made it clear that shes going no matter if Im coming or not.

Am I selfish for thinking that she’s being a bad person.Who is in the wrong here?

Do you know why she is leaving the country? It's not about right or wrong. Do you have other family and friends where you are?  Are you interested in living in this place with her? 

[bluecastle]

Sorry to hear about this tough moment. 

I don't think anyone is "in the wrong" here, and encourage you to turn the prism a bit to try to see it in a different light. What's happening here are two truths that are presently hard to hold alongside each other. A big part of being a grownup is dealing with such moments. 

Truth one: Your mother, for reasons she has maybe not articulated well, has a desire to live in another country. That's a big decision, and I can only imagine it's something that's been simmering for a while. Has she ever talked about this? Has she offered any explanation for her reasons?

Truth two: You are close to your mother and the idea of her living far away hurts. That's understandable. She's likely been a constant in your life, always there. Imagining it any other way fries the emotional circuits and stirs nerves.

My advice is to find a way for both of you to sit down and share these feelings. That's not one conversation, but likely many, and it's critical to be able to approach it without needing to prove that anyone is "wrong."

Your mother, in addition to being your mother, is a human being. She has urges, desires, curiosities that are hers and hers alone—and that she has likely put on the back burner in the name of raising you. Part of getting into your 20s—becoming an adult—is coming to understand this, and to make room for our parents not just being "ours." That does not make them "bad."

Do you think you can reevaluate those ideas a bit and try to understand a bit more where she's coming from? Odds are that, if you can show her that, you may get it in return and find some of the angst around all this being soothed by deeper understanding of each other's humanity.  

[Starlight925]

I get why you're hurt.

Mom moving to another country is a permanent move, and it's easy to take it as a move away from you, when I bet she has very personal reasons for wanting her own fresh start.

Something I read about parenting really struck me:

   "While I was growing up, I didn't realize that my parents were growing up too."

Have you had a heart-to-heart with your mom about this?  About the way you feel?  Not in an angry way, not in a "why are you leaving me" way, but about your feelings?  She may not realize the depth of your feelings and your desire to keep her physically close.

[catfeeder]

I wouldn't react to this yet. It's not usually simple to petition another country to allow you to become a permanent resident. Stay uninvested while you speak with her more about her plans. Maybe take a trip there with her and learn about the realities of it.

If your Mom's plan turns out to be bona fide, would you consider living there with her?

[TeeDee]

You are a 21 year old adult.  It's OK to feel abandoned but you can't stop your mother from pursuing her dream. 

There are wonderful ways to keep in touch & you can always travel to see each other.  

You may find this to be a wonderful growth opportunity for you both

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

You are a 21 year old adult.  It's OK to feel abandoned but you can't stop your mother from pursuing her dream. 

There are wonderful ways to keep in touch & you can always travel to see each other.  

You may find this to be a wonderful growth opportunity for you both

Yes I wanted to add your feelings are your feelings! I'm 57 and when I was in my 40s I couldn't stand when my mom seemed to favor my sister -again - even though we were in our 40s/early 50s and hanging out at my apartment lol.  Parent-child is complicated!

[Seraphim]

No one is “ wrong”. Here is the thing about adults they can do whatever they please. At 21 parents are no longer responsible for us and our upkeep. It is nice if they are, but no one can “ make” them look after us a day past 16-18 depending on country. 
 

Feelings are valid. Yours and hers. I would find it difficult when I was 21 if my parents left the country. I would probably feel hurt as well. She is entitled to do as she pleases though. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Sarah Smith said:

.my mother suddenly one day informed me she plans on leaving the country? 

Leaving the country is rarely a rash decision as far as jobs finances visas, where to live etc. 

Is she fleeeing from something? Or in a whirlwind romance? Where is your father and the rest of your family? 

She isn't doing this to abandon you, something is up with her you don't know about ot mention here.