Things to consider when dating

[Lily Aldridge]

What are some important factors to consider when dating a guy, especially in terms of compatibility, communication, and shared values? How can one navigate through differences in opinions, interests, or backgrounds while maintaining a healthy relationship?

[Batya33]

I think it wholly depends on why you are dating in the first place.  And maintaining and growing a healthy relationship often requires different factors than what to consider when going on a date - again all depends on why you are dating and why you are in a relationship and why the other person is in a relationship.  For most of the 24 years I dated it was to find a husband who was the right match for me and hopefully have a family. 

When I looked to date for casual reasons which was early on as a teen and for a couple of months here and there as an adult the factors were often different. 

Navigating through differences also depends on the level of commitment, what the differences are and whether the differences are dealbreakers or not.  It's very individual. And not a science and often changes day to day especially if the couple has to navigate parenting differences, money/financial differences, etc.  And again depends on level of commitment.  I walked away from short term relationships because of a difference where if we'd been married I might not have or might have tried harder to work through the differences.  It's a very broad question you ask -too broad to give a real answer IMO.

A recent example. My friend after over 15 years of marriage discovered her husband was having an affair. Kids involved too under 13 years old.  He would like to work on the marriage/not divorce and she decided it was a dealbreaker (in part because he is still in contact with the mistress, but even if not). So they had different views on how to navigate through this serious difference.  He moved out recently.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Lily Aldridge said:

What are some important factors to consider when dating a guy, especially in terms of compatibility, communication, and shared values? How can one navigate through differences in opinions, interests, or backgrounds while maintaining a healthy relationship?

It's a personal choice. Make a list of what are red flags and deal breakers for you personally and avoid those men. Also.make a mental list of characteristics important to you.  

[smackie9]

For the long haul you need to be insync with passions/interests/moral values. If you don't, you will later meet someone who does meet all your criteria while you are stuck with someone else... you will yearn to be with that other person. That's when you will realize how important it is to have a lot in or specific things in common. Attraction/personality is what gets you/them in the door, what comes after is what will make or break the relationship. 

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

For the long haul you need to be insync with passions/interests/moral values. If you don't, you will later meet someone who does meet all your criteria while you are stuck with someone else... you will yearn to be with that other person. That's when you will realize how important it is to have a lot in or specific things in common. Attraction/personality is what gets you/them in the door, what comes after is what will make or break the relationship. 

This is a great point. I know a few people who learned this the hard way.

[Kwothe28]

16 hours ago, Lily Aldridge said:

How can one navigate through differences in opinions, interests, or backgrounds while maintaining a healthy relationship?

I think its important to separate standards and preferences. Standards are something that you shouldnt back off. They are must-haves and deal breakers. For exampled, shared values, healthy conflict management, honesty etc. While preferences are something negotiable. Something that is icing on the cake but also something that you wouldnt insist as the cake would be sweet regardless. For example height, job title, buying you a lot of gifts etc. 

My friend broke up his 8 year old relationship recently. They were living together for 3 years. The final straw was that she admitted that she is not ready to have kids even though they were trying for one. There were a lot of other issues but he swiped them under the rug because they at least were functional. Anyway, he is extreme example. But, a good reminder what happens when you ignore big stuff. 

Same with opinions and interests. Would you be with somebody who doesnt have exactly the same political opinion as you? Who cheers for different team then yours? Those are all some things to figure out. And maybe not be rigid on some. The other person shouldnt be the exact copy of us. But somebody who would have enough positive qualities to compliment our lives. So you both grow better.

[Batya33]

38 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

This is a great point. I know a few people who learned this the hard way.

I agree. I think a top thing to have in common - compatible sense of humor -how you see the world in that way and how you laugh together.  Also it doesn't hurt to be open to building common interests -I um now watch some Star Trek and became more of a baseball fan of our hometown team!