Obsessively comparing my life with the past, and it's impacting my happiness

[FrozenMoon]

Hello everyone,

Two and a half years ago, I finished my studies at university. By that time, I'd had a wonderful 6~7 years studying there. The 'city' I studied at (it was barely a city, really; it consisted of the university terrain plus a few very green neighborhoods and a small city center) was much more rural, peaceful, cohesive and friendly than the big city which I grew up in. It's also on the opposite side of the country. Its location was fairly impractical to reach both by car and public transport, but I feel like it added to the feeling that it was its own little cozy bubble, away from the busy world of stress, business and people problems.

Of course, this is a partially romanticized memory of what the place was like. I spent some of the best years of my life so far there. What I've realized in hindsight, is that the university terrain was both my "first place, second place and third place", as described by sociologist Ray Oldenburg. It was my place of living, my place of "working" (studying, in this case), and my place for community life and interaction. I cycled everywhere. All my friends were within 3 minutes of cycling, and I saw them all daily; even if we didn't plan something in the evening (which was fairly rare). I had a park in my backyard. I took violin lessons in a beautiful building in the small city center, went to the grand total of five food places / restaurants that were there often with friends, took long walks in the two large arboreta that were present. I felt utterly safe walking the streets alone in total darkness at 3am.

I miss all of this.

I've made a topic before about feeling disheartened that the working place does not resemble the chummy college atmosphere, and that I miss the feeling of having any close, personal friends among my colleagues. The business world seems to collectively agree that work and personal life should be separated. While I think that works for many people, I'm starting to believe that it simply doesn't work for me. I need that kind of personal connection. It's been two to three years, and despite my efforts and the great advice from other people, I'm still disillusioned. It is simply not improving.
But it goes further than that. I don't just miss having friends at the place I spend most of my hours. I miss the atmosphere of both my university and the little city surrounding it. I miss the people. I miss my best friend. The streets, the park, the little supermarket. My violin teacher. The sunrise between the trees. The bus stop surrounded by flowers. I miss being so close to everyone and everything that made my life.

It's been two and a half years. Due to the poor housing situation in our country, I had to move back in with my parents on the other side of the country as soon as I wrapped up my studies. Although I tried to very actively keep in contact with all my university friends, I was the first who finished studying, and thus had to move away while everyone else remained.
And sadly, the consequence is that life there has moved on without me. Of course I still see my friends every now and again, but it's not easy so far away. And the spontaneous plans that happen when people encounter each other on the streets, in the supermarket, or in the university hallways now of course all happen without me, because I am not there. I see them talk in the group chats about things I know nothing about. Making jokes that I don't understand. Even though they never actively excluded me from anything, I feel incredibly left out. The person who used to be my best friend has other great friends now and she's barely someone I speak to more than once a month at this point.

Of course, I've not sat still in these two to three years. I've recently gotten myself an apartment, together with my boyfriend. I've picked up new sports. Started volunteering. Went to lots of events to meet people. Made new friends. Interacted with local places, such as game stores and the culture center. I'm building up every day, and have acquired all elements that -- as someone recently described it -- "contribute to a good, stable life". And yet, I still can't shake the feeling. My current life has all the makings of a good one, but all too often, I still get so nostalgic for my time at university. I start comparing what I have now to what I had then, and somehow, I'm unhappy.

Yesterday was especially rough. I spoke with one of my old friends from university again, and she said she had been lucky enough to win a housing draw, and she was soon to get the keys to her new home in -- you guessed it -- the city we studied in. Additionally, as it turns out, one other old friend of mine has moved in with his new girlfriend who has a house in that very same city. Two of my other friends have found work there. What I'm seeing is that slowly, bit by bit, these people are somehow finding ways to stick around the place even after their studies. And that made me feel so, so very jealous.. because I also really wanted to, but couldn't. They're continuing to live the life that I would be so happy to continue forever, but was unable to. And now, I just feel like it's too late to change things.

I've created a new life near the place where I grew up (different city though) with my boyfriend. His family and connections are also from this side of the country, so my university place is very far away from them all. If we entertain the thought for a minute that I could move back there, I don't know if he would be very happy with it. I'm also very, very scared that it wouldn't be the same again. Even if I find a way to live there again, I'm not attending university anymore. I could find a job at the university, maybe. But I'll roam the hallways without the friends I once roamed them with. Some of them will still be there, but some will have moved away. Relationships have changed since I was away. Could we all reconnect? I could pick up my violin lessons again. Take the same walks through the same park. But will it be the same? Will it feel like chasing a ghost of the past, or can I actually re-establish my happy life there? And maybe most importantly, what would really be the reason for doing so; am I missing the place, the people, or simply the period in my life? The latter, I'll never be getting back no matter what I do.

I've also entertained moving elsewhere. More rural, perhaps. Maybe I'm just not a city person, and that's the problem. Or alternatively, I could try another university city, to look for a similar atmosphere. But no matter where I look, no matter how beautiful a place is, I find myself inevitably comparing it with my university city. And it never matches up, because, well.. simply because it isn't that city. It doesn't have the same street layout, the same trees, the same small city center. So it doesn't feel good enough.

I just don't really understand what is happening anymore at this point. I should be happy where I am now, but underneath the surface I still can't help but miss the life I once had. My heart still lies on the other side of the country, where it has been ever since I left. Is there an aspect in my life that is missing? Does some part of my current life make me unhappy? Is this anything I can change at all? I can't put my finger on it. I think it's one thing to feel nostalgic about a past time, but a whole other to actively feel sad about it in your day to day life. Sometimes it reaches the point where I think the happiest period of my life has already passed, and I'm never going to "truly be happy" again.

Of course, there's always a period for adjustment going from university to a working life, as well as from moving from one part of the country to another. I expect some turbulence and hiccups. People keep saying I should just "sit it out", and that "it'll pass once you've found your new place in life". But it's been going on for so long, and still feels so disproportional. I've waited for two and a half years, and built up so much, but to no avail. Surely, there must be something else I can do besides waiting. There has to be something at the base of this that I can work on.. But what? 😞

[dias]

Try a PhD at your former university and stay in academia.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, FrozenMoon said:

just don't really understand what is happening anymore at this point. I should be happy where I am now, but underneath the surface I still can't help but miss the life I once had. My heart still lies on the other side of the country, where it has been ever since I left. Is there an aspect in my life that is missing? Does some part of my current life make me unhappy? Is this anything I can change at all? I can't put my finger on it. I think it's one thing to feel nostalgic about a past time, but a whole other to actively feel sad about it in your day to day life. Sometimes it reaches the point where I think the happiest period of my life has already passed, and I'm never going to "truly be happy" again.

Of course, there's always a period for adjustment going from university to a w

Perhaps because you're not happy/fulfilled in your relationship so it's easier to focus on the idealistic notion of the past?

[TeeDee]

University is an insular little bubble.  It's why people are nostalgic for it.  Real life doesn't work the same way.  

You need to find your community & it's not where you are now.  Although I had friends after school, it was not like the friendships in school.  I found some niches over the years through various groups.  Currently I have one through a book club.   My university friends & I try to get together at least once a year in a big group where we go back to communal living for at least a long weekend.  That helps.  

[FrozenMoon]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Perhaps because you're not happy/fulfilled in your relationship so it's easier to focus on the idealistic notion of the past?

It's a good suggestion, though I feel that my relationship is definitely one of the positives I experience. I do realize that the life I once lived (where I exited my student dorm at 7:30 for university, spent the entire day with others and often didn't return home before midnight) is not realistic with a partner. Unless he'd take part in everything as well (which I doubt he'd want to do), it would mean we would rarely actually see each other anymore, so of course the presence of a relationship does mean that I would have to strike a balance somewhere. But I am more than willing to do that. My boyfriend means the world to me, and I really cherish him a lot.

I do agree that my notion of the past is highly idealistic, and that it definitely is because my current life does not fulfil me in one or multiple aspects.

2 hours ago, TeeDee said:

University is an insular little bubble.  It's why people are nostalgic for it.  Real life doesn't work the same way.  

You need to find your community & it's not where you are now.  Although I had friends after school, it was not like the friendships in school.  I found some niches over the years through various groups.  Currently I have one through a book club.   My university friends & I try to get together at least once a year in a big group where we go back to communal living for at least a long weekend.  That helps.  

That does sound lovely! Seems like a very nice way to stay in touch for sure.

I'm afraid that real life not working the same way thus far is indeed the issue I'm experiencing. I've often been told that this is true, and that people simply live more individually and independent from one another as they grow older. I just don't know if that's a reality I can ever live happily in.

It's a bit of a digression perhaps, but I feel like the 'working adult' way of living in its entirety is too individualistic and withdrawn for me to thrive in. Spending our time inside of isolated homes, requiring active steps (planning, looking for activities, etc.) to get friends and family together. No spontaneous meetings, encounters or friendly chatter beyond that with the occasional colleague or acquaintance in the supermarket. A much smaller and less tight-knit social circle as a result. 

Part of, I guess, the world at university that I find I truly miss is that the day was not chopped up into several individual bits and pieces, consisting of work 'til 5pm / dinner at 7pm / plans at 8pm / sleep at 11pm, all at different places with different people. I would just get up at 5:30am, spend my morning getting ready while the sun rose, then go to university; and the entire rest of the day, apart from the scheduled lecture hours, was forged spontaneously and naturally as we went. It was the same people -- close friends, looser friends, and other peers that I saw every day -- that would accompany me and everyone else as we went through the hours.

In this environment, I was -- as I jokingly described this to my boyfriend this morning -- a 'happy little sheep in the herd'. Now, as he jokingly described in return, I feel like an aimless individual in a mega farm, filled with sheep that all go in different directions.

I understand that we still have plenty of space to look for social activities outside of work, and that what I mentioned above is an extremely ideal and temporary image which is unrealistic and not necessarily required for a happy life. But it's a good indicative of a much bigger issue, I think. Because it's not just work. My entire life feels dislocated. Every aspect of it takes place somewhere else, with other people. The city is large, and the atmosphere does not feel like it is 'my' place, even though I've come to know so many areas and people. That 'bubble', as it turns out, was so significant to me.

Now of course, I'm making this all seem very black and white. I did truly go out of my way to create community in my new living space, and I did successfully find several groups and create some very happy memories. It's just that my overall happiness is significantly lower than it used to be, and on many days I feel very much dejected by it. After all this time, I just don't think I am capable of seeing acceptance as the solution. Real life, so far, is very different. But surely there has to be a way to forge a life where the aspects that are missing now can be found again. I don't think I can ever genuinely, and free of guilt, settle for a world where I.. well, gave up.

I find myself struggling with this especially now that I hear some of my friends found ways to live in the city of our university even beyond the study, retaining the community and part of that 'bubble' they built. I had previously told myself it was indeed impossible, and felt myself grow so jealous, and -- to be completely honest -- even slightly angry when they proved the opposite. I didn't want to accept this into the image of impossibility I've so carefully crafted for myself in the past few years, because I didn't want to doubt the new life I had poured all my emotion and energy in. Now, I'm just a bit lost on how to move forward.

[Batya33]

56 minutes ago, FrozenMoon said:

I hear some of my friends found ways to live in the city of our university even beyond the study, retaining the community and part of that 'bubble' they built.

Are they married and/or do they have children?

[TeeDee]

I got some of the university bubble back by becoming an adjunct professor.  It helped restore my connection to the ivory tower 

You may also want to consider starting a gratitude journal so you can document all the good things you do have in contrast to what you feel you lost.  

[Cherylyn]

Your life will experience different phases with friends.  During youth,  life is more carefree and there's more time and energy to be with people your own age.  There are less responsibilities especially before joining the masses with full time employment,  marriages,  family,  paying bills and the whole lot.  People move on.

Even though you have cherished memories with them,  it's not the end of the world.  Perhaps join clubs or your local church if you're faith based.  People will not come to you. You have to go to them to start and maintain friendships.

If you want to continue your education, concentrate on that.  Everything else will follow and fall into place.  If you decide to focus on work, then do that but branch out socially.

Keep in mind,  not all friends are for life.  People come and go.  To no fault of anyone,  sometimes friendships drift apart and fade away because life takes over.  There are some friends who remain for the long term whereas others do not.  It's how life unfolds.  Also,  new people will enter your life. 

In the meantime,  be your best self.  Take good care of your health,  interests,  do what you enjoy and be independent minded because it's awfully attractive.  People are drawn to independent people who are interesting and have a life of their own. 🙂