Is exclusivity overrated?

[yogacat]

Please also keep in mind that if he is turned off by women showing interest by sending him texts then that’s on him. That is his preference and if he really wants to date like-minded women then he should communicate that fact early on so he can better manage his own expectations. Sorry, I think this says more about him than it does about you. Whereas the last one sounds like he needs more of an ego boost or something.

If someone would dump me because I am making them feel desired then I rather have known that sooner before I spend time on them and before they expect same from me. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Please also keep in mind that if he is turned off by women showing interest by sending him texts then that’s on him. That is his preference and if he really wants to date like-minded women then he should communicate that fact early on so he can better manage his own expectations. Sorry, I think this says more about him than it does about you. Whereas the last one sounds like he needs more of an ego boost or something.

If someone would dump me because I am making them feel desired then I rather have known that sooner before I spend time on them and before they expect same from me. 

I think the real issue is he overshared in a tacky and thoughtless way.  I personally would next him, not text him.

[yogacat]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think the real issue is he overshared in a tacky and thoughtless way.  I personally would next him, not text him.

Well, in all fairness, she did initially too.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

He said that usually the girls he was talking to, after matching on the OLD apps were always bombarding him with texts, all day long, and that the fact that I don’t text much was triggering him (maybe in a good way idk.) At some point he was hoping or expecting more communication and this lack made him think that I wasn’t that interested in meeting him like the others were…

Sindy, this is flat out manipulation imo.   HE feels off balance and insecure because you're NOT chasing him over the rainbow like most other women, and he doesn't like it!  It makes him feel anxious and insecure.

The manipulation is him telling you that by you not chasing him, bombarding him with texts, he doesn't think you're interested.   He is guilt tripping you into communicating more so HE doesn't have to feel anxious.  

I am speculating of course, this is just my take on things.

He is needy and insecure imo and I would advise you to stay away from needy, insecure men - they tend to be controlling and guilty-trippy just like this guy appears to be.

Also, I agree with others.  Him bringing this up is extremely inappropriate just like him asking you BEFORE you even met if you were talking to other guys, and then hassling you about it, disguised as a joke, which as we know was NOT a joke at all.

Up to you if you want to continue on with him, I would not.

Remember, choose wisely from the getgo and avoid BS later.

 

 

 

[Sindy_0311]

I will next him. But I’m always upfront, I don’t like ghosting, so I will just tell him that I think we are not compatible. It was great seeing him though. He is a nice person. 

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I will next him. But I’m always upfront, I don’t like ghosting, so I will just tell him that I think we are not compatible. It was great seeing him though. He is a nice person. 

It's not ghosting -if he asks you out say no.  If he texts you simply tell him you don't have enough in common to go on a date.  No need to initiate contact to next someone you met once.  

[MrMan1983]

On 2/29/2024 at 9:54 PM, Sindy_0311 said:

He’s a Leo, and I know for sure that Leo’s are more pushy when they have interest in  someone.

Yes I'm sure almost a billion people born between July 23 - August 22 are all more pushy when they are interested in someone 😆😜

[MrMan1983]

16 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Still, there is one thing he said that I found interesting to share here. He said that usually the girls he was talking to, after matching on the OLD apps were always bombarding him with texts, all day long, and that the fact that I don’t text much was triggering him (maybe in a good way idk.) At some point he was hoping or expecting more communication and this lack made him think that I wasn’t that interested in meeting him like the others were… so I don’t really know how other women operate, but I might be a bit distant comparing to others… 

The same with the last dude I dropped two weeks ago, he accused me of never reaching out to him or never ask him out… idk if I’m doing it wrong after all… something to consider… 

Hmm yep more needy vibes
🚩 Who wants to be stuck bombarding each other with texts all day what's the purpose outside of soothing each others insecurities. Good to have a bit of communication and to schedule dates though but sounds like he's expecting more than that sort of balance.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

Yes I'm sure almost a billion people born between July 23 - August 22 are all more pushy when they are interested in someone 😆😜

lol Leo here too and actually on the cusp. It’s fun to follow that stuff despite not taking it seriously. I’ve always been spunky. Socially adventurous.

I let men do more of the asking out when I was dating as it was more effective as far as finding the type of long term relationship I wanted. I had no issue talking to anyone or starting conversations or asking men to dance or flirting. No chasing needed.

I met my future husband by crossing a crowded conference room on his first day of work to greet him. He was very shy. He asked me out about 9 months later. 

[MrMan1983]

15 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Sindy, this is flat out manipulation imo.   HE feels off balance and insecure because you're NOT chasing him over the rainbow like most other women, and he doesn't like it!  It makes him feel anxious and insecure.

The manipulation is him telling you that by you not chasing him, bombarding him with texts, he doesn't think you're interested.   He is guilt tripping you into communicating more so HE doesn't have to feel anxious.  

I am speculating of course, this is just my take on things.

He is needy and insecure imo and I would advise you to stay away from needy, insecure men - they tend to be controlling and guilty-trippy just like this guy appears to be.

Also, I agree with others.  Him bringing this up is extremely inappropriate just like him asking you BEFORE you even met if you were talking to other guys, and then hassling you about it, disguised as a joke, which as we know was NOT a joke at all.

Up to you if you want to continue on with him, I would not.

Remember, choose wisely from the getgo and avoid BS later.

 

 

 

Agree with all of this 👆

[ShySoul]

23 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

At some point he was hoping or expecting more communication and this lack made him think that I wasn’t that interested in meeting him like the others were… so I don’t really know how other women operate, but I might be a bit distant comparing to others… 

Think context could be useful. How did he say it? Was it aimed as an accusation? Was it a causal, off hand remark? Thinking about it from his perspective, if he is used to women being in constant contact, then it would seem weird when someone wasn't. Doesn't mean it's being manipulative, could just be natural confusion over something he isn't used to. And depending on the level of communication being given, I would be wondering if the person was really interested as well. Of course, it could also be him playing games. Hard to really say without knowing him or how the topic came up.

Regardless, focus on the big picture. Did you enjoy yourself? Did you have things in common? Was he a gentleman who treated you overall with respect? Do you want to spend more time with him? Those are the things that matter most.

As for the original topic, I don't think exclusivity is overrated. I think exclusivity is ultimately the goal. If I have feelings for someone, or even a hint that I do, I'm focused on just them. I have no interest in seeing what else is out there. Seeing other people isn't going to somehow increase my odds of finding someone. I'm not one to put myself in something often, but when I do I'm all in. 

[Cherylyn]

For me,  personally,  I prefer exclusivity.  My husband feels the same.  It's been this way ever since we started dating,  our courtship,  marriage,  all of it.  We wouldn't have it any other way.  Commitment is a beautiful thing if both people are on the same page.  ❤️

As for you,  as long as there is mutual understanding regarding what both of you want to do and communication is clear,  go for it.  👍

[Sindy_0311]

36 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Think context could be useful. How did he say it? Was it aimed as an accusation? Was it a causal, off hand remark? Thinking about it from his perspective, if he is used to women being in constant contact, then it would seem weird when someone wasn't. Doesn't mean it's being manipulative, could just be natural confusion over something he isn't used to. And depending on the level of communication being given, I would be wondering if the person was really interested as well. Of course, it could also be him playing games. Hard to really say without knowing him or how the topic came up.

Regardless, focus on the big picture. Did you enjoy yourself? Did you have things in common? Was he a gentleman who treated you overall with respect? Do you want to spend more time with him? Those are the things that matter most.

As for the original topic, I don't think exclusivity is overrated. I think exclusivity is ultimately the goal. If I have feelings for someone, or even a hint that I do, I'm focused on just them. I have no interest in seeing what else is out there. Seeing other people isn't going to somehow increase my odds of finding someone. I'm not one to put myself in something often, but when I do I'm all in. 

There is no much context as it was a first meet. He came with a flower, saying all the good things a woman wants to hear, he has been talking a lot about himself. How he is a good man with principles, etc and bla bla bla. He reached out today and I gently told him that I don’t think we are compatible. 
i had another date tonight with another man… this one was also talking a lot but asking questions and listening to what I had to say. There was no questions about other men or bringing up insecurities. He was just himself and not trying to bombard me with ready made sentences. 
I do observe a lot during first meets, and this guy tonight had his phone on the table, screen up during the whole time in case his son would text him, which he did at some point. He would even show me some photographs on his phone, letting me holding it for a while. Now this might sound futile but I think if a guy has nothing to hide, he won’t bother doing so… again, I don’t care about words, I just observe… the other guy yesterday, I couldn’t even say whether he has a cell phone, didn’t see it during the whole date, almost 4 hours… 
 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Sindy_0311 said:

There is no much context as it was a first meet. He came with a flower, saying all the good things a woman wants to hear, he has been talking a lot about himself. How he is a good man with principles, etc and bla bla bla. He reached out today and I gently told him that I don’t think we are compatible. 
i had another date tonight with another man… this one was also talking a lot but asking questions and listening to what I had to say. There was no questions about other men or bringing up insecurities. He was just himself and not trying to bombard me with ready made sentences. 
I do observe a lot during first meets, and this guy tonight had his phone on the table, screen up during the whole time in case his son would text him, which he did at some point. He would even show me some photographs on his phone, letting me holding it for a while. Now this might sound futile but I think if a guy has nothing to hide, he won’t bother doing so… again, I don’t care about words, I just observe… the other guy yesterday, I couldn’t even say whether he has a cell phone, didn’t see it during the whole date, almost 4 hours… 
 

I always have my phone away - I think unless you have to have it out it's rude to and I tell the person I'm with if I expect a call or have to leave it on for my son, work, etc.

[Sindy_0311]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I always have my phone away - I think unless you have to have it out it's rude to and I tell the person I'm with if I expect a call or have to leave it on for my son, work, etc.

He had his phone out because of his son who was staying at home with the “babysitter”. I do have my phone away because I don’t want my date to see some notifications of men texting me during that time… so i guess I’m the bad one in the story 😂

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

He had his phone out because of his son who was staying at home with the “babysitter”. I do have my phone away because I don’t want my date to see some notifications of men texting me during that time… so i guess I’m the bad one in the story 😂

I’m just saying that I think it’s polite not suspicious to have your phone put away. 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

He had his phone out because of his son who was staying at home with the “babysitter”

Perfectly normal and responsible for a single parent on a date. At least this guy seems a lot more normal than the other guy. 

[Sindy_0311]

On 2/29/2024 at 11:37 PM, yogacat said:

I'm just wondering why your 'dating rules' are so rigid. It's like, if X then Y then Z then A then B then C then D... It doesn't really allow for any spontaneity or individuality. Relationships are supposed to be about two people coming together and creating their own unique dynamic, not following a strict set of rules.

Just wanted to reply to this because I’ve been think about it today. I don’t think I’m being rigid. I want to find someone who will match my needs in terms of pace, efforts, communication, transparency, emotional connection etc… I don’t want to lose time on someone who isn’t able/willing to make it work. Because I do invest effort and time to make the other person feel wanted. I’m king, gentle, open, caring and a good listener. So I expect the same in return. I’m not rigid, it’s my standards. I do analyse a lot because I’m pragmatic, it prevents me from dealing with BS and to not get to emotional about men I barely know. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

. I want to find someone who will match my needs in terms of pace, efforts, communication, transparency, emotional connection etc. it’s my standards

Agree. Everyone has a sort of mental deal breakers and must haves list. Those are standards. It makes no sense to make it up as you go along and end up somewhere with someone you don't want.  Some people may leave things up to chance maybe because they want the romcom notion of serendipity and fate. 

[yogacat]

14 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Just wanted to reply to this because I’ve been think about it today. I don’t think I’m being rigid. I want to find someone who will match my needs in terms of pace, efforts, communication, transparency, emotional connection etc… I don’t want to lose time on someone who isn’t able/willing to make it work. Because I do invest effort and time to make the other person feel wanted. I’m king, gentle, open, caring and a good listener. So I expect the same in return. I’m not rigid, it’s my standards. I do analyse a lot because I’m pragmatic, it prevents me from dealing with BS and to not get to emotional about men I barely know. 

Oh. I am not talking about standards. Standards are healthy and important in any relationship.

[Batya33]

20 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Just wanted to reply to this because I’ve been think about it today. I don’t think I’m being rigid. I want to find someone who will match my needs in terms of pace, efforts, communication, transparency, emotional connection etc… I don’t want to lose time on someone who isn’t able/willing to make it work. Because I do invest effort and time to make the other person feel wanted. I’m king, gentle, open, caring and a good listener. So I expect the same in return. I’m not rigid, it’s my standards. I do analyse a lot because I’m pragmatic, it prevents me from dealing with BS and to not get to emotional about men I barely know. 

I think structure is good especially in early dating. Doesn’t mean it’s rigid. Also if you typically date similar type men meaning- similar age range/education level/ background then very often they’ll follow certain basic structures in terms of communication, when they go on dates, who pays etc. with some differences but more commonalities.  When I dated most men knew to call by Wednesday for a weekend date. Most men meaning in the city I dated in the age range I dated and similar backgrounds.