How do I put myself out there without apps?

[Alokinga]

I'm 20 and go to college. I've had 3 relationships over the past 3 years which didn't last longer than 5 months and weren't that great. Now that I'm older and most of my friends are in very healthy serious relationships, I decided that I really have to look for quality partners and that I mustn't make the same mistakes as before. However, I really don't know how to go about it without using apps... 2 of my relationships started from me sliding into dms on instagram, and one was in-person, but it was a girl who I wasn't actually attracted to and more of a rebound. About a month ago I decided to take my chance with a girl who obviously liked me, but failed since by the time I made up my mind she already got into a relationship. Last week I invited another girl with whom I was good friends since october out for coffee, but she declined. It feels like there really isn't much I can do except wait... because I really don't think dating apps are worth it, and I want a natural connection that will last. I also don't enjoy going to clubs, and I rarely go to parties. And I wouldn't want to start a hobby or activity with my goal being finding someone, because that would feel disingenuous.

[smackie9]

This is what I learned....the hard you look the harder it will be to find someone. I believe in chance happening. That's what event and parties are for. Surely there are things put on by groups at your college that are lower key. You may not like it, but it's a way to get a GF. Girls are social creatures, and like to entertain, be entertained, dance and have fun. If you are a stick in the mud...you are going to be one lonely person. 

[Coily]

Look for meet up groups, or get into hobbies you are interested in that are co-ed. If you're religious or curious about it, join a church. Don't be afraid to go out where people are in general. Since you are in college, maybe there are on campus activities that you can explore?

Find a passion that you can accidentally bump into someone and get to know.

[Alokinga]

6 minutes ago, Coily said:

Look for meet up groups, or get into hobbies you are interested in that are co-ed. If you're religious or curious about it, join a church. Don't be afraid to go out where people are in general. Since you are in college, maybe there are on campus activities that you can explore?

Find a passion that you can accidentally bump into someone and get to know.

Thanks for the feedback. 

Yeah, my situation is kind of particular since I study music which IS my passion, and everything in my life is centered around it. So my college feels like the best (only) place to meet people who understand me. 

[Coily]

9 minutes ago, Alokinga said:

Thanks for the feedback. 

Yeah, my situation is kind of particular since I study music which IS my passion, and everything in my life is centered around it. So my college feels like the best (only) place to meet people who understand me. 

Are there any musical groups that are looking for an extra? Or maybe off campus bars that you could play at? Women do tend to have a soft spot for musicians.

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Alokinga said:

 I study music which IS my passion, and everything in my life is centered around it. So my college feels like the best  place to meet people who understand me. 

University is a great place to meet people in real life. Please check with your university about groups, clubs, sports, extra classes, events and activities. 

You can broaden your social horizons and make friends and talk to women regularly. While it's great to have a focused major, you need to round yourself out.

Please discontinue just walking up to girls asking for coffee or sliding into DMs. It awkward and could be misconstrued as a little creepy. 

Please learn some social skills such as small talk. In fact getting involved in more extracurricular activities would help out with that. 

[Andrina]

18 minutes ago, Alokinga said:

And I wouldn't want to start a hobby or activity with my goal being finding someone, because that would feel disingenuous.

With this statement, you act like you believe you'll be some kind of undercover person with a dangerous ulterior motive. I've heard interviews with numerous male rock stars who decided to play guitar and be singers and created or joined a band because it was a great way to meet and attract women. So what?

Of course, you don't join a hobby or activity you really can't enjoy, but do think of joining clubs or starting hobbies you could enjoy. Reframe it as having several goals. To enjoy time with others versus being holed up in your room. It's not like you will find a mate in every social setting you attend, but you might make friends, either male or female in the process, plus enjoy the activity.

When I was in community college, I tended to make more friends because of the physical education requirement courses. I took soccer, martial arts, and snow skiing (taught on an artificial grass slope). More time for interacting with classmates versus the few minutes before and after the professor's lecture. I joined the snow ski club and went on a ski trip by hired bus, and the president of the ski club had a very memorable Halloween party at his house. Great ways to have fun with everyone plus meet large groups of people. Briefly dated a few guys whom I met through these activities.

Stop with your stifling thought processes of limiting your activities because you find it disingenuous. Many people have the goal of finding a partner and know they have to spread their nets wide to catch a keeper. And choose hobbies and interests you will stick to even when in a relationship. Don't give them up, nor ignore your friends because you want to spend every waking moment with a new love. People who have a healthy balance of time spent on various interests and time with friends, besides having a love life, are more attractive to a partner than someone who isolates themselves.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Alokinga]

27 minutes ago, Coily said:

Are there any musical groups that are looking for an extra? Or maybe off campus bars that you could play at? Women do tend to have a soft spot for musicians.

There's a little problem here: I'm a classical guitarist and as you might expect, classical music doesn't have that kind of draw power that rock or pop has lol... so yeah, playing at gigs is a bit limited

[Coily]

15 minutes ago, Alokinga said:

There's a little problem here: I'm a classical guitarist and as you might expect, classical music doesn't have that kind of draw power that rock or pop has lol... so yeah, playing at gigs is a bit limited

All depends on where you go. I have a friend who plays a bass viola da gamba in a baroque group, he gets a lot of interested women. Granted he's a bit of a goofball when it comes to women, but still it's not entirely out of the realm of possibilities.

Have you considered just playing on campus outdoors?

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Alokinga said:

There's a little problem here: I'm a classical guitarist 

That's not a problem. Do you know how many Pop and rock musicians were classically trained? 

The problem is broadening your social horizons. 

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Alokinga said:

Thanks for the feedback. 

Yeah, my situation is kind of particular since I study music which IS my passion, and everything in my life is centered around it. So my college feels like the best (only) place to meet people who understand me. 

Then get involved in volunteer work involving musical theater or music, find meetups related to music and totally fine if part of the motivation is to meet women.  I believe being desperate is a huge turn off and leaving it all to chance is a cop out or ineffective.  So be proactive and from a perspective of reasonable confidence and being motivated not by desperation or loneliness but because being in a relationship would enhance an already fun and fulfilling life. I was out there constantly -proactively -to find a husband -including through dating sites and I pushed myself out of my comfort zone a lot!

[catfeeder]

You’ll need to tame your self-saboteur before any suggestion can possibly be useful.

We see that pattern here all the time. OP asks a question as though they are open to replies only to nix every single one with excuses. Then they believe their own excuses and confirm for themselves that their position is hopeless. And they proceed to make it so.

Either you want to find ways to meet a partner, or you don’t. If you don’t, that’s perfectly okay. It just doesn’t make sense to spin your wheels to invent barriers against doing so and then tell yourself that you have no choice in the matter.

[ShySoul]

Why the rush to look for a partner at all? Relationships happen in their own time, when the right person comes along at the right time. Just because your friends are in one, doesn't mean that it will last or that now is the right time for you to be in one. Just because you are 20 doesn't mean now is the time to find someone or you'll lose your chance. Plenty of people are single at that age. When I was your age I hadn't come close to anything and knew multiple people in the same position. So you've had more experience then some. And while I get that there can be a feeling of lonliness, or the fear you're missing out, there is plenty of other things that can fill that hole in life and can be just as rewarding for you.

I actually think you have a good head on you and have the right idea. Dating apps are far from the only way to meet people, so if you don't want to do them, don't. People were meeting each other and having relationships for millenia before dating apps existed. If you don't like clubs or parties (I'm with you on that), then don't go there. And certainly don't start something just as a way to meet women. It's disingenious, and people will like see through it anyway.

So what do you do to meet someone? Don't try to meet someone. Focus on you. Learn to be happy on your own, doing what you love. Love happens when you least expect (yes, I know that's cliche, but it's true). Over and over again I've seen people worry and stress about having relationships. They try to meet people and put themselves out there. But they try too hard, causing them to mess up. Or they try doing things they aren't comfortable with, and mess up. Then they end up more stressed and depressed that nothing works out. Yet, when they stop caring and simply go about being them, their authentic self can shine, they gain more confidence, and eventually that attracts others. It happened to me. When I allowed myself to feel depressed and convinced myself I needed to be like others and have a relationship, got me more depression. When I said screw it, I'll just be me, I had multiple women being interested in me. 

So just focus on you and your music. Find avenues to perform. Have fun with it. You'll meet someone when you're suppose to.

[ShySoul]

12 hours ago, Alokinga said:

There's a little problem here: I'm a classical guitarist and as you might expect, classical music doesn't have that kind of draw power that rock or pop has lol... so yeah, playing at gigs is a bit limited

My best friend (a female) just told me a couple days ago that she loves classical guitar. I'm sure she's not alone. So this shouldn't be a handicap for you. Patience. Some girl is probably going to go wild for this skill one day. 😉

[Alokinga]

13 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Why the rush to look for a partner at all? Relationships happen in their own time, when the right person comes along at the right time. Just because your friends are in one, doesn't mean that it will last or that now is the right time for you to be in one. Just because you are 20 doesn't mean now is the time to find someone or you'll lose your chance. Plenty of people are single at that age. When I was your age I hadn't come close to anything and knew multiple people in the same position. So you've had more experience then some. And while I get that there can be a feeling of lonliness, or the fear you're missing out, there is plenty of other things that can fill that hole in life and can be just as rewarding for you.

I actually think you have a good head on you and have the right idea. Dating apps are far from the only way to meet people, so if you don't want to do them, don't. People were meeting each other and having relationships for millenia before dating apps existed. If you don't like clubs or parties (I'm with you on that), then don't go there. And certainly don't start something just as a way to meet women. It's disingenious, and people will like see through it anyway.

So what do you do to meet someone? Don't try to meet someone. Focus on you. Learn to be happy on your own, doing what you love. Love happens when you least expect (yes, I know that's cliche, but it's true). Over and over again I've seen people worry and stress about having relationships. They try to meet people and put themselves out there. But they try too hard, causing them to mess up. Or they try doing things they aren't comfortable with, and mess up. Then they end up more stressed and depressed that nothing works out. Yet, when they stop caring and simply go about being them, their authentic self can shine, they gain more confidence, and eventually that attracts others. It happened to me. When I allowed myself to feel depressed and convinced myself I needed to be like others and have a relationship, got me more depression. When I said screw it, I'll just be me, I had multiple women being interested in me. 

So just focus on you and your music. Find avenues to perform. Have fun with it. You'll meet someone when you're suppose to.

Thank you for your feedback! It really helped me clear my mind. I wrote this post after an evening out with my friends and being the only single one there, so it inevitably stung a little when they started discussing couple stuff, especially since they all got way farther in their relationships than me haha... but now my head is clearer 

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Alokinga said:

…I wrote this post after an evening out with my friends and being the only single one there, so it inevitably stung a little when they started discussing couple stuff, especially since they all got way farther in their relationships than me haha... but now my head is clearer 

Think of these couples discussions as a tutorial, and milk them for everything you can learn.